Handle With Fuckin’ Care: How to Mail Baked Goods to Your Hoes

4 Dec

It’s that time of the year again: The Fuckin’ Holidays. Time to show some hoes you care by sending them baked goods.

However, there are a lot of things to worry about when sending your hoes diabeetus:

  1. The dropping and subsequent destruction of your shitty baked goods.
  2. Spontaneous combustion.
  3. The mail-person rubbing their genitals on your box of baked goods. (You’ll know this took place when your hoes complains about a very peculiar stain and/or hole on the box.)
  4. Your package of baked goods being delivered to the wrong hoes.

How do you keep your hoes happy? Just follow the packing advice of Dis Hoe (that’s me, The Foul-Mouthed Baker), then you won’t have to worry about a mother fuckin’ thing, bitch.

1st Fuckin’ Step: Bake some shit. This time I made a fuckton of cookies: chai oatmeal raisin, the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies, spicy chocolate chip, and peanut butter blossoms.

2nd Fuckin’ Step: Put your cookies in freezer bags and seal dem bitches up tight. Hoes don’t like stale-ass cookies.

3rd Fuckin’ Step: Acquire some kind of packing material and place inside your box to cushion the bottom of your baked goods. Don’t spend a lot of money on this, since it is just for some hoes. I used plastic bags from the grocery store, which I usually use to dispose of my cats’ excrement.

Put your shit in the box.

Put your shit in the box.

4th Fuckin’ Step: Start putting the bags in the boxes. Yes, boxes. I have a lot of hoes that need their diabeetus fix.

Yo, Hoes! Look at all the shit in these boxes.

Yo, Hoes! Look at all the shit in these boxes.

TitTip: Be sure to use a Wal-Mart bag in every box. This way your hoes know you only used the finest fuckin’ ingredients.

I purchase only the finest fuckin' ingredients at the classiest establishments.

I purchase only the finest fuckin’ ingredients at the classiest establishments.

5th Fuckin’ Step: Put some more packing materials on the sides and top of the box to give the cookies some cushion because they are going to be pushed. I think I messed that line up, but the main idea is to protect your cookies from being fucked.

Looks like trash? That's because I sent it to trailer trash. Treat trash like trash. That should be a new proverb.

Looks like trash? That’s because I sent it to trailer trash. Treat trash like trash. That should be a new proverb.

BTFW: If you run out of plastic bags, or are a cheap mother fucker, you can usually find some local newspapers for free.

Crumbling up a Kansas newspaper made me feel a little better about living in Kansas.

Crumbling up a Kansas newspaper made me feel a little better about living in Kansas.

There are some shitty cookies located in the box of trash.

There are some shitty cookies located in the box of trash.

6th Fuckin’ Step: Properly label the box so it doesn’t get tousled around during transportation.

This shit is fragile, yo!

This shit is fragile, yo!

7th Fuckin’ Step: Be sure to address it to the right hoes. I wanted to make sure my package got to specific hoes: Dem Hoes.

Dem Hoes love cookies.

Dem Hoes love cookies.

FYFI: The best part of mailing this was when the lady at the post office pointed at “Dem Hoes” and asked if that was a name. She didn’t seem to understand what it meant, even after I told her it wasn’t a name. She wrote “Dem Hoes” on the tracking receipts. This was probably one of the most fucktacular moments of my life.

Look at all Dem Hoes!

Look at all Dem Hoes!

Don’t be a cunt, and send some diabeetus to your madre and padre. Titbit: Don’t address your parents as “Dem Hoes”. Some people think I don’t have a line to cross, but there it is. I won’t refer to my parents as hoes.

Respect your fuckin' parents.

Respect your fuckin’ parents.

8th Fuckin’ Step: Ward others from stealing your package by placing a warning label on it. This way no one will want to steal the shit you made for your shittacular hoes.

Watch out, Hoe! You might get contaminated.

Watch out, Hoe! You might get contaminated.

9th Fuckin’ Step: Marvel at your diabeetus and think about your soon-to-be-fat hoes.

My table collapsed under the weight of the diabeetus. RIP: Shitty table.

My table collapsed under the weight of the diabeetus. RIP: Shitty table.

Mailing small cookies is much easier than mailing a giant diabeetus cookie. Although this pussy was still pretty fuckin’ satisfied.

 __________

Check Meowt, Fuckers!

23 Oct

One time I made a cake about a bad class, but not all classes and students are bad. Sometimes all the best students join together in one class and gives the instructor hope for the future. This was for one of those fucktacular classes.

Skew you, bitches. 

Skew you, bitches.

Seriously, start putting more graphs on cakes. Next time a pie chart made of actual pie.

__________

Fuck Itself Diabetes Should

9 Oct

This was a fuckin’ simple cake I made for my father. He has diabeetus and he likes Star Wars.

Fun to make cake is. 

Fun to make cake is.

__________

Tres Leches + Tequila = Fucked Up Baking

25 Sep

Sober Background

A friend found this fucktacular recipe and we had to have it! Of course, I had to make it because my friends are lazy fuckers.

FYFI: I use only the fuckin’ finest ingredients. How do I know which ingredients are the fuckin’ finest? I taste test all the ingredients, including the tequila used in this recipe. Sometimes I taste the ingredients multiple times…

While making this cake, I thought that I would do the usual and document it with pictures. The problem is…I got drunk and don’t remember the steps (but they are in the fuckin’ recipe above). The point of this story is to suggest that more people bake drunk or get drunk while baking.

Drunken Baking

Here you can see that I mixed some shit together. Sometimes I used a whip or a spatula (I also call it a bowl-scrapey-thing), but there was always tequila involved.

Tequila + Baking = Great Idea!

Tequila + Baking = Great Idea!

At some point in this process I soaked the berries in tequila and lime juice.

Booze-y berries FTW!

Booze-y berries FTW!

After digging through all the pictures, I started to notice a pattern in my drunk baking.

  1. Some sort of baking procedure.
  2. Celebrate shittacular baking skills with a shot!
  3. Another baking procedure.
1) Pour in pan and place in oven. 2) Celebrate with shot. 3) Take out of oven.

1) Pour in pan and place in oven. 2) Celebrate with shot. 3) Take out of oven.

Did you get that last part? If not, see and read it again, but this time with more class. Please pay attention this time, fuckhead.

  1. Pour some alcohol in a glass and drink up! Don’t worry about being un-classy by drinking alone. The wine glass definitely classes up your bad decisions. (TitTip: If you would like a salted glass rim, just let your tears fall on the rim of the glass.)
  2. Then, you pour some shit into a pan, in whatever way the recipe says. I don’t fuckin’ remember what I did.
  3. Ponder how delicious your dessert will be over another homemade drink.
  4. Pour the fuckin’ milk over your cake.
  5. Have another home made cocktail while you wait for the milk to soak in. You’ve done a lot of hard work, so you totally fuckin’ deserve it.
  6. Keep waiting for that shit to soak through.
  7. Pass the soaking time with another cocktail. Seriously, I think this recipe was made for drunk baking.

FYFI: I didn’t have fancy olives, but Sweet Cherrry Fire Pickles and Peppers from Bucee’s worked better. Seriously, it’s what all the classy folks are using now-a-days.

1) Drink. 2) Put some shit in a pan. 3) Drink. 4) Pour that shit on a cake. 5) Drink. 6) Watch that shit soak into the cake. 7) Drink.

1) Drink. 2) Put some shit in a pan. 3) Drink. 4) Pour that shit on a cake. 5) Drink. 6) Watch that shit soak into the cake. 7) Drink.

You were supposed to let this stuff soak for a while, so the only thing to do was to drink some more.

The kitchen was well-lit as shit.

The kitchen was well-lit as shit.

I’m not really sure what happened, as these were the only pictures on my camera when I woke up in the morning.

Am I in the kitchen?

Am I in the kitchen?

Seriously, I’m a great photographer.

Why is this room so bright and blurry? Fuck. Give me another shot.

Why is this room so bright and blurry? Fuck. Give me another shot.

Sober Baking = Lame Baking

After you have sobered up, you can make the icing, spread it on the cake, and write a little message on it.

No more shots...

No more shots…

This was for Cinco de Mayo, which is why the writing es en español. What does it say? Go figure that shit out yourself.

El pastel es una mentira.

El pastel es una mentira.

 __________

The Mother Fuckin’ Best Maple Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies, Bitches

11 Sep

You want something that’s savory, sweet, and diabeetus-filled? Well, look no further, bitches.

This is a variation of the Best Fuckin’ Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Fuckin’ Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar (the regular white shit)
  • 1/2 cup light brown sugar
  • 1/3 butter (softened)
  • 1 egg (room temperature)
  • 1 teaspoon good vanilla extract (I use this shit)
  • 1 teaspoon maple extract or flavoring
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 2-4 fuckin’ handfuls of semi-sweet chocolate chips
  • A package of mother fuckin’ bacon (FYFI: You’ll need real fatty bacon for this. You’re already going to eat some fuckin’ cookies, so don’t get all health conscious on me now.)
  • 1/3 cup of bacon grease (Be sure to reserve your bacon grease, fatties.)

Fuckin’ Steps: 

1. Fry the shit out of your delicious bacon! Be sure to save the grease.

Don't forgot to save that grease for use in the recipe. It also makes a good, all-natural face moisturizer.

Don’t forgot to save that grease for use in the recipe. It also makes a good, all-natural face moisturizer.

2. Put the first 6 fuckin’ ingredients in a bowl along with a 1/3 cup of bacon grease and mix until that shit is mixed well.

TitTip: You’ll want your bacon grease to be room temperature or cool. If that shit is hot it will melt your other ingredients and fuck your shit up. Yes, “fuck your shit up” is the technical baking phrase.

Another TitTip: When you are searching for recipes online always read the dumbass comments. Sometimes there is a helpful comment. The bacon grease idea came from an Interwebs comment. It didn’t say how much, so I had to figure that shit out on my own.

This shit is ready to be mixed.

This shit is ready to be mixed.

3. Now mix in the flour, salt, and baking soda.

At this point you can really smell the diabeetus (bacon and maple) in your dough.

At this point you can really smell the diabeetus (bacon and maple) in your dough.

4. Your dough should look like this shit:

Go ahead and eat a few cups to try it out.

Go ahead and eat a few cups to try it out.

5. Remember you have bacon and smile.

6. Eat a few pieces of bacon.

7. Make the rest into bacon sprinkles by crumbling them.

Blurry bacon and bacon sprinkles!

Blurry bacon and bacon sprinkles!

8. Mix the bacon sprinkles and chocolate chips into your dough.

I had a heart attack when I glanced at this picture.

I had a heart attack when I glanced at this picture.

9. This is what your dough will look like when all your shit is mixed up.

All done with the dough, bitches!

All done with the dough, bitches!

10. Make 1-inch little dough balls and put some extra bacon sprinkles on top. The extra bacon sprinkles will make your cookies look like a culinary marvel. Plus, you can never have too much diabeetus.

Look at this delicious lil' fucker!

Look at this delicious lil’ fucker!

11. Spread your dough balls out a couple of inches apart on a pan.

Your diabeetus is ready to be baked.

Your diabeetus is ready to be baked.

12. Put that shit in the oven on 375 degrees for about 8-10 minutes.

The shitty lighting in this picture makes it look like I bake by candle light.

The shitty lighting in this picture makes it look like I bake by candle light.

13. Let that shit cool.

14. Marvel at your talent by eating so many you fall into a blissful diabetic coma. Nighty, night, happy fatty.

This shit is done!

This shit is done!

Fuckin’ Reviews

When I made these as a test for some friends they liked them. However, about 15 minutes later their stomach hurt. Probably too much bacon grease, so you can lower the amount of bacon grease if you can’t fuckin’ stomach it, pussy. Without the bacon grease there is little bacon flavor, as the sprinkles themselves do not add much bacon flavor.

__________

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