Put This Shit in Your Mouth: Vanilla Cake with Toasted Coconut Icing

8 Jul

Background

This cake was made for one of my most fucktacular friends. She likes cats, desserts, bragging about going to the gym, complaining about Leg Day, and makes me noms, so I made her a birthday cake.

If you want to be a good friend, you will make someone this cake too. Do it, don’t be an asshole.

Fuckin’ Ingredients

For the diabeetus cake:

  • 4 1/2 cups of flour, the vegan kind
  • 1 teaspoon vegan baking soda
  • 4 teaspoons baking powder that fuckin’ vegans use
  • 1 teaspoon vegan salt
  • 2 1/4 cups of harm-free, vegan sugar
  • 1 cup veggie oil, the vegan kind
  • 3 teaspoons vegan vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon coconut extract, it better be vegan
  • 2 tablespoons vegan white vinegar
  • 3 cups milk, make sure that shit is vegan

For the fucktacular icing:

  • 1 cup shortening (Don’t use that animal fat shit. Make sure it’s vegan.)
  • 6 cups vegan powdered sugar
  • Prepared dry soy milk (or another type of dry vegan milk)
  • 2 vanilla beans, make sure you get the vegan ones
  • 1 bag of vegan toasted coconut flakes

*Note: I have learned one thing from reading a shitton of vegan cooking/baking blogs: Reiterate “vegan” on every ingredient, lest your audience forget they are looking at a vegan recipe. 

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Cake: 

1. First, you need make the vegan buttermilk. To do this, put the milk and vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for a bit. Maybe 10 minutes or so. I sort of forgot how long I let mine sit because I didn’t set a timer. The mixture will curdle a little bit, but it is supposed to so don’t fuckin’ worry about it.

Looks like a bowl of cum... Mmmmm...

Looks like a bowl of cum… Mmmmm…

2. Once your super vegan buttermilk has set, mix it with the oil and and the two ultra vegan extracts. Be sure to recheck your ingredients to make sure they are vegan as fuck.

3. Add all the dry, vegan ingredients into bowl with your other vegan ingredients.

4. Mix the shit out of them.

5. Then, mix that shit some more.

Mix all your vegan shit. 

Mix all your vegan shit.

6. Make sure your batter is all smooth n’ shit.

7. Pour that shit you just made into two 9-inch pans that are nicely lubed up with vegan lube (AKA: an oil of your choosing).

8. Put it in the oven for about 35-45 minutes at 350 degrees, or until that shit is the lightest of browns and is slightly separating from the side of the pan.

9. When it is done, let that shit cool on a wire rack.

Fuck. You are awesome at making VEGAN cakes now.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Icing: 

1. Veganly (you know, with the least harm possible) whip up the shortening.

2. Slowly mix in some powdered sugar.

3. As you are adding in powdered sugar, add in the vegan milk, tablespoons at a time, to make the icing more or less thick (depending on your fuckin’ tastes).

4. Cut open the vanilla beans and mix that shit in too. If you want, you can add some coconut extract (a teaspoon or two) for extra vegan goodness.

Making vegans fat. 

Making vegans fat one icing at a time.

Spread that shit on the first layer and cram some toasted coconut on top. Add the next cake layer, and slather that fucktacular icing all over the cake. Then, try to put some more toasted coconut on the top and side of your cake to make that shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

TitTip: Add a border around the edge of your cakes to make them super, fuckin’ classy.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

FYFI: I’m cool with being vegan and other vegans, but sometimes other vegans bother me. One of those things is to keep saying the ingredients throughout a vegan recipe are vegan. I KNOW THEY ARE! THAT’S WHY I CHOSE THIS FUCKIN’ RECIPE!

I wanted to take anyone who reads this post through that annoying journey. You are so fuckin’ welcome! However, I promise to not be this fuckin’ annoying in the future. Once is funny. Twice makes me an asshole.

__________

Are Orgasms Vegan?

24 Jun

In the past I have made a few fucktacular vegan desserts. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a delicious, diabeetus-filled gateway to a lifestyle change into veganism.

Yes, I’m a Fuckin’ Vegan

Yes, all the shittacular desserts posted on this blog will be vegan from now on. I’m also going  to remake shit to give them a vegan tweak.

The best part about vegan desserts is you non-vegans can enjoy them as well, unless you have some fuckin’ allergies or some shit like that. Don’t worry, consumers of animal products, I will still make fun of vegans like I have in the past because I make fun of everyone. Yep, I’m a real bitch like that.

Shitty Questions About Vegan Baking

People have asked me all kinds of shit since I decided to be vegan. Here are some of the questions:

1. “How are you going to bake now?

Answer: Same way I always have. Like a fuckin’ badass cunt.

2. “You made this? It’s vegan?

Answer: Yes, everything I bake from now on will be vegan as fuck.

3. “How do you make cookies/cake/other-diabeetus-treats vegan? What is in this?” *skeptical stare*

Answer: It is incredibly easy to make anything you want vegan as long as you aren’t a lazy-ass fuck. I go to the same grocery store as you normal shitheads, but buy the shit that’s cruelty-free.

4. “I bet vegan desserts don’t taste as good as ‘the real thing’.

Answer: Vegan desserts aren’t fake ass shit. They are the real thing. It is highly likely that you have had a vegan dessert and didn’t fuckin’ realize it.

All of the vegan desserts I’ve made so far are as good if not better than their non-vegan counterparts. Maybe you should stop jumping to conclusions about things you don’t know shit about.

5. “This cookie is delicious. There’s butter in this, isn’t there? Tastes and looks like the cookies my grandma used to make.

Answer: Nope. No dairy, cruelty-filled butter. That shit is vegan.

*giggles* I have really enjoyed tricking people thus far.

6. “Vegans are lame. And boring. Will this be reflected in your baking?

Answer: You’re a judgey asshole. No cupcake for you.

7. “Are orgasms vegan?

Answer: Yes. The real question should be: Are batteries vegan?

8. “Will you still write inappropriate stuff on desserts that is fun for the whole family?

Answer: Fuck yes! Otherwise, I’d have to change the name of the blog to some lame-ass shit, like Cute Cupcake Farts for Babies or Titty Sprinkles. (As you can see I can’t even think of a fuckin’ appropriate name for a baking blog, so I’ll stick with being foul-mouthed.)

Here’s a particularly clever one I made recently for a couple of awesome co-workers. I presented it to them at a meeting we had together on Friday morning because presentation is the fuckin’ key.

Yes, this shit is vegan. Next time I need to add titty sprinkles. 

Yes, this shit is vegan. Next time I need to add titty sprinkles.

Here’s Some Shit That’s Already Vegan:


Give Her What you Can’t Tell Her: Diabeetus for Mother’s Day

7 May

Who fuckin’ hearts Cadbury creme eggs?  My mother and the bitch writing this shittacular blog post.

I wanted to make something super fuckin’ awesome for my mother for Mother’s Day, and a Cadbury creme egg cheesecake combo sounded fucktacular!

It felt weird to smash them up without the use of my mouth.

It felt weird to smash them up without the use of my mouth.

Besides improving my diabeetus-making skills, I was also able to work on my shitty self-control with desserts. Don’t judge me, fucker.

How many Cadbury eggs will you eat while you make this dessert? If you eat less Cadbury eggs than what you put into the cheesecake, go fuck yourself.

Use this handy formula to know what you should do with yourself while you make this dessert:

# of Cadbury eggs you ate < # of Cadbury eggs you didn’t eat = go fuck yourself, you cunty health nut.

Mixing diabeetus with more diabeetus because: 'Murica.

Mixing diabeetus with more diabeetus because: ‘Murica.

I felt a little stronger when I mixed the smashed up eggs with the rest of the diabeetus. It kind of felt like flushing the last pack of cigarettes down the toilet.

FYFI: I love living alone with my four pussies.

FYFI: I love living alone with my four pussies.

At first my mom thought the cake message was cute, but then she thought about it too much and asked if I was blaming my divorce on her. Oh, mother, you don’t understand my jokes. I’m not sure where my fucked-up sense of humor came from. Probably too many hours on the Interwebs.

My mother is very supportive. She tried to read this blog once, and made it through a whole entry before she decided that was enough. If my mother used “the F-word” she would probably say I’m pretty fucked-up, but, you know, in a loving way.

Dat side boob. I mean side view. This is a cake not a tit.

Dat side boob. I mean side view. This is a cake not a tit.

It didn’t really look too much like a cheesecake, but whatever everyone got to have the ‘beetus.

A lil' slice of beetus.

A lil’ slice of ‘beetus.

I thought this cheesecake would be amazing, but it was a big fuckin’ let down. It wasn’t that good of a cheesecake and it ruined my Cadbury eggs. I wouldn’t put my dick in this again. I mean, I wouldn’t put it in my mouth again.

FYFI: I put my dick (along with cat fur) in all the desserts I make.

__________

Hashtag Cake

29 Jan

Hashtags on Twitter. Hashtags on Faecbook. What’s next hashtags on cake? Too late, fuckers.

#Diabeetus

#Diabeetus

I’ve made this unicorn poop cake for the same fuckin’ friend for the last three years. Last year’s cake probably contained the worst message I’ve ever written on a cake (so far).

BTFW: Don’t look too close, assholes. You’ll see how I made an outline with a toothpick, and then didn’t follow the fuckin’ outline or smooth that shit out.

__________

Shitty Product Reviews: My Lil’ Pie Maker

15 Jan

Products Details: My Lil' Pie Maker

Perfect for Lil' Cocks

Pies Don't Fill The Fuckin' Void

A Slice of Fuckin' Heaven: Lil' Diabeetus Pies

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