A Dick Under The Heel Is Worth Two By The Balls

10 Apr

Background

A smart, beautiful friend of mine has been a fan of my fucktacular baking for some time and my blogging since the beginning. She has put a lot of my shit in her mouth, but I haven’t had the chance to make something especially for her. A few months ago a mutual friend of ours sent me a picture of some high heel cupcakes, and said they would be great for our friend. She is a fancy lady who enjoys pretty shoes, so they would be perfect for her. However, I needed to put a twist on them that my friend would enjoy and would stay true to my baking style. My idea was quite natural, since my friend is a powerful lady that steps on dicks where ever she goes.

Dicktacular Cupcake Instructions

The four dicktacular steps:

  1. Make the dicks
  2. Make the mother fuckin’ cupcakes
  3. Gather cute shit
  4. Construct the fuckin’ fancy shoes

1. Make The Dicks

This is step #1 because this is why you are here. If I didn’t put this first you would just be screaming at your screen in anger: “WHERE ARE THE FUCKIN’ COCKS, YOU ASSHOLE BLOGGER!”

Be sure to locate the most realistic penii mold possible because no one wants to put a cartoon cock in their mouth. You can use candy melts or melt dark, milk, and white chocolate for the penii. You’ll probably need to trim them a bit afterward.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

Make sure you make them all different colors, or your cupcakes will be boring, bland, and racist.

Colorful penii!

Colorful penii!

I’ll give my best fuckin’ friendship to whoever can make these cream-filled. And….GO!

2. Make The Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes

You can make this with your favorite cupcake recipe. Here are some suggestions: margarita cupcakes, mother fuckin’ cookie butter cupcakes, and potato chip and pretzel cupcakes.

Follow these easy steps, fuckhead:

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

2. Let that shit cool.

2. Let that shit cool.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Gather Cute Shit

I hope you looked at the high heel cupcakes made by others. That shit is cute, so I tried to make this shit cute too.

First, you should decide on your shank (FYFI: I discovered, with my Google-ing expertise, a shank is the part of the high heel shoe below the arch.) I made these shanks with white chocolate covered Milano cookies.

TitTip: I would suggest using something lighter than Milano cookies, like graham crackers. These cookies were too heavy, so they weighed down and fucked up some of the shoes.

Coat the shit out of these cookies.

Coat the shit out of these cookies.

Gather all the cutest decorating shit you can find.

Cute shit gathered!

Cute shit gathered!

4. Construct The Fuckin’ Shoes

These were the best instructions on how to construct the high heeled shoes that I could fuckin’ find. You’ll have to change them a bit to compensate for the cock, but who hasn’t had to do some compromising and compensate for a little bit of dick?

First, dig a spoon-sized hole in the backside of the cupcake. Be sure to eat what you dug out of the cupcake to optimize your chances of diabeetus. Next, insert your cookie in the hole at an angle. Then, get a little bit of melted chocolate, take a carefully measured and cut Pirouette cookie and put it between your shoe shank and a dick.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

Side dick view? Sure, if there is "side boob", why not side dick?

Side dick view! Sure, if there is “side boob”, why not “side dick”?

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Mother fuckin' close-ups!

Mother fuckin’ close-ups!

Get in real close. Don't be shy.

Get in real close. Don’t be shy.

The cupcakes arrived at their destination in pieces and broken. The cookies fell off the cupcakes and the heels slid off the cocks. I guess it’s safe to say these dicks had a rough ride. *winky face*

 __________

Cake Fuck-Ups: Part Dos

27 Mar

I’ve already committed several baking fuck-ups, but there is always room to learn more by fuckin’ some more shit up. Here are some recent fuck-ups:

Fuck-Up #1: Not setting the timer and burning shit.

I thought I set the timer, but then I smelled the burning. TitTip: Don’t be a shithead and always double-check to make sure you set your timer correctly.

There are many ways to burn baked goods, if that’s what you are into… I bet that’s some sort of porn I haven’t stumbled upon yet: people of all shapes and sizes rubbing burnt, still warm cookies on their genitals. I could get into that. Just imagine a cunt covered in burnt oatmeal raisin goo, or a cock dipped in an overcooked, crumbly shortbread mess. The thought of that just made me fizz all over my keyboard.

Those aren't double chocolate chip cookies on the left. I burnt the shit out of those cookies.

Those aren’t double chocolate chip cookies on the left. I burnt the shit out of those cookies.

Fuck-Up #2: Not letting a cake cool long enough and destroying your shit.

The reason you are supposed to wait a few minutes for a cake to completely cool is so it will easily slide out of a pan in one shittacular piece. I totally fucked up this cake, but it was okay, since it was for a couple of assholes.

Shit. I didn't wait for the cake to cool long enough. Fuck Sticks.

Shit. I didn’t wait for the cake to cool long enough. Fuck Sticks.

Fuck-up #3: Pushing too much icing out at once, like a fuckhead.

When you are decorating a cake, be careful to not get fuckin’ crazy and squeeze too much icing at once and cause a mess. Sometimes it is very easy to cover or clean up a mess, and other times it is not. In this case, I could not clean it up, but it didn’t matter because the people consuming the cookie cake were totally drunk.

Shit Tits! No, I literally got this shit on my tits.

Shit Tits! No, I literally got this shit on my tits.

__________

Warning: Contains Diabeetus!

13 Mar

Holy fuck! Diabeetus tastes sooooooo good! To get my sugar fix, I made peanut butter bars, but I substituted cookie butter for peanut butter and produced a diabeetus-filled treat!

There was something missing, but what the fuck was it?

There was something missing, but what the fuck was it?

So far, it didn’t look like it had the diabeetus touch. I needed to make it glaringly obvious that consumption of this shittacular treat would give the consumer instantaneous diabeetus.

Question: How does one make a dish look like instant diabeetus?

Answer: Just pile a fuckton of candy on the top and the sides, and draw a diabetic pussy on it.

You are once again super fuckin' impressed with my artistic skillz.

You are once again super fuckin’ impressed with my artistic skillz.

Join me next time when I make an HIV-filled cheesecake. Mmmm…..AIDS.

__________

A Lactose-Free Cheesecake For a Difficult Asshole

27 Feb

Dairy-Free Background

Don’t ask a lactose-intolerant, Canadian friend what kind of cake he would like because he’s going to be a dick and request a cheesecake.

“I demand a cake in which the main ingredient is not one I should consume because it acts like poison within my body. I do this because I’m a Canadian, and everyone knows Canadians are difficult assholes. ¿Eh?”

- Lactose-Intolerant Canadian

I may have paraphrased what he said and added some words, but you get the point: Canadians are dicks.

Construction of a Non-Cheese Cheesecake

The recipe I used required a graham cracker crust. (TitTip: If you don’t want to be a lazy mother fucker, make your own crust. Also, the crusts you buy in the store are not always lactose-free, and if I’m making a lactose-free cake, I’m going to do that shit right.)

I made a lactose-free crust because I'm not a lazy mother fucker.

I made a lactose-free crust because I’m not a lazy mother fucker.

I still don’t understand the existence of fake-ass cream cheese. Vegans want to talk about eating healthy, all-natural shit, but then they consume things like fake dairy products. You can’t have your non-dairy, soy-free, raw, all live, no GMOs, all natural, harm free, no trans fat, certified wheat/gluten-free, organic, free ranged, vegan cake and eat it too. Seriously, that doesn’t sound edible at all.

FYFI: The person I made this for isn’t a vegan, he’s Canadian, which might be worse. I just enjoy taking the opportunity to make fun of vegans every chance I get. *smiley face*

Fake-ass cream cheese. Is this shit FDA approved?

Fake-ass cream cheese. Is this shit FDA approved?

The packaging for the fake-ass cream cheese looked pretty normal, but the contents looked fuckin’ disgusting.

Ew. Super fuckin' gross.

Ew. Super fuckin’ gross.

It just looked shittier as I progressed in making this abomination of a cake.

Here are the fake-ass dairy products further along in the cheesecake process.

Here are the fake-ass dairy products further along in the cheesecake process.

Yep. This shit never looks anymore appetizing.

Yep. This shit never looks anymore appetizing.

Then, I put all that shit in a pan and baked it. It came out looking burnt and nasty, but the instructions claim that’s the way it is supposed to look…

Usually cheesecake awakens a deep sexual desire in my loins, but I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Usually cheesecake awakens a deep sexual desire in my loins, but I’m not sure how I feel about this.

All this fake-ass, nasty shit was worth it to put the incredibly sexy Captain Picard on the cake. (BTFW: That’s not paper. It’s thin, edible icing.)

Can't let those Canadian assholes out nice us super sweet 'Muricans.

Can’t let those Canadian assholes out nice us super sweet ‘Muricans.

This was by no means the best cheesecake I’ve ever had, but once you put some sort of topping on it (ex: strawberries, blueberries, chocolate, or maple syrup, if you’re Canadian), it tastes alright. I give this recipe three out of five maple leafs.

I will now sit and wait to receive my new Canadian fans.

_________

Valentine’s Day is for Tip Touching

13 Feb

This Valentine’s Day bake some fuckin’ cookies because diabeetus hearts everyone.

Jeebus fish approves of gay unicorn sex.

Jeebus fish approves of gay unicorn sex.

TitTip: Dicks are delicate.

A burnt unicorn broke this delicate cock.

A burnt unicorn broke this delicate cock.

Decorate The Shit Out of Some Cookies Start decorating the cookies. This shit is as easy as 1, 2, 3.

1: Outline the shitty cookies.

1: Outline the shitty cookies.

2: Flood the shitty cookies.

2: Flood the shitty cookies.

3: Write fun, appropriate words on the shitty cookies.

3: Write fun, appropriate words on the shitty cookies.

Setting The Mood Arrange the cookies up in a romantic manner.

Bitches love roses and cookies with sexy messages on them.

Bitches love roses and cookies with sexy messages on them.

If you are wondering why you haven't found true love, it's probably cause you haven't tried anal, you snooty cunt.

If you are wondering why you haven’t found true love, it’s probably cause you haven’t tried anal, you snooty cunt.

Anal fissures are usually caused by tentacles.

Anal fissures are usually caused by tentacles.

If you set the cookies up correctly, you may be lucky enough to participate in some tip touching. Titbit: Tip touching is fucktacular.

It's like Michelangelo made this shit himself.

It’s like Michelangelo made this shit himself.

If you can’t touch tips, then try some…

Probably the best of all the sexes.

Probably the best of all the sexes.

Remember this Valentine’s Day: Don’t be a dick. Eat a dick.

__________

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