The Mother Fuckin’ Best Maple Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies, Bitches

11 Sep

You want something that’s savory, sweet, and diabeetus-filled? Well, look no further, bitches.

This is a variation of the Best Fuckin’ Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Fuckin’ Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar (the regular white shit)
  • 1/2 cup light brown sugar
  • 1/3 butter (softened)
  • 1 egg (room temperature)
  • 1 teaspoon good vanilla extract (I use this shit)
  • 1 teaspoon maple extract or flavoring
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 2-4 fuckin’ handfuls of semi-sweet chocolate chips
  • A package of mother fuckin’ bacon (FYFI: You’ll need real fatty bacon for this. You’re already going to eat some fuckin’ cookies, so don’t get all health conscious on me now.)
  • 1/3 cup of bacon grease (Be sure to reserve your bacon grease, fatties.)

Fuckin’ Steps: 

1. Fry the shit out of your delicious bacon! Be sure to save the grease.

Don't forgot to save that grease for use in the recipe. It also makes a good, all-natural face moisturizer.

Don’t forgot to save that grease for use in the recipe. It also makes a good, all-natural face moisturizer.

2. Put the first 6 fuckin’ ingredients in a bowl along with a 1/3 cup of bacon grease and mix until that shit is mixed well.

TitTip: You’ll want your bacon grease to be room temperature or cool. If that shit is hot it will melt your other ingredients and fuck your shit up. Yes, “fuck your shit up” is the technical baking phrase.

Another TitTip: When you are searching for recipes online always read the dumbass comments. Sometimes there is a helpful comment. The bacon grease idea came from an Interwebs comment. It didn’t say how much, so I had to figure that shit out on my own.

This shit is ready to be mixed.

This shit is ready to be mixed.

3. Now mix in the flour, salt, and baking soda.

At this point you can really smell the diabeetus (bacon and maple) in your dough.

At this point you can really smell the diabeetus (bacon and maple) in your dough.

4. Your dough should look like this shit:

Go ahead and eat a few cups to try it out.

Go ahead and eat a few cups to try it out.

5. Remember you have bacon and smile.

6. Eat a few pieces of bacon.

7. Make the rest into bacon sprinkles by crumbling them.

Blurry bacon and bacon sprinkles!

Blurry bacon and bacon sprinkles!

8. Mix the bacon sprinkles and chocolate chips into your dough.

I had a heart attack when I glanced at this picture.

I had a heart attack when I glanced at this picture.

9. This is what your dough will look like when all your shit is mixed up.

All done with the dough, bitches!

All done with the dough, bitches!

10. Make 1-inch little dough balls and put some extra bacon sprinkles on top. The extra bacon sprinkles will make your cookies look like a culinary marvel. Plus, you can never have too much diabeetus.

Look at this delicious lil' fucker!

Look at this delicious lil’ fucker!

11. Spread your dough balls out a couple of inches apart on a pan.

Your diabeetus is ready to be baked.

Your diabeetus is ready to be baked.

12. Put that shit in the oven on 375 degrees for about 8-10 minutes.

The shitty lighting in this picture makes it look like I bake by candle light.

The shitty lighting in this picture makes it look like I bake by candle light.

13. Let that shit cool.

14. Marvel at your talent by eating so many you fall into a blissful diabetic coma. Nighty, night, happy fatty.

This shit is done!

This shit is done!

Fuckin’ Reviews

When I made these as a test for some friends they liked them. However, about 15 minutes later their stomach hurt. Probably too much bacon grease, so you can lower the amount of bacon grease if you can’t fuckin’ stomach it, pussy. Without the bacon grease there is little bacon flavor, as the sprinkles themselves do not add much bacon flavor.

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The Most Fucktacular Search Terms

28 Aug

FYFI: WordPress allows bloggers to see what search terms people have used to stumble upon their blog.

And the #1 Search Termfor this blog: pussy cupcakes

People have used some pretty fucktacular terms to find this blog. I have categorized the search terms into six categories: Baking, Foul-Mouthed Baking, Nasty Baking (Possibly Porn), Porn, Fucked-Up Porn, and Random Shit From The Interwebs.

I have some real examples of the terms that fit into the categories below for your fuckin’ convenience. If you are too fuckin’ lazy to read through some funny terms, then here is a word cloud to show you the most used words to find this site.

FuckinWordCloud

Pussy is only #2 to cake.

Baking

The people who used these terms were just searching for everyday baking help on the Interwebs. Then, BAM! This blog slapped them in the face with a hard dick. Here are  some innocent terms:

  • sriracha cream cheese frosting
  • how to make a cake shaped like a five
  • lactose free gluten free chocolate chip crust cheesecake
  • best icing
  • vegan flooding icing recipe
  • potato chip cupcakes

Foul-Mouthed Baking

These people knew what they were getting into:

  • messages to write on a dick cake
  • how to make a penis from icing
  • funny fudge recipe with all the foul language
  • diabeetus cake
  • you look fucktacular
  • lil diabeetus snacks

Nasty Baking (Possibly Porn or Both)

These are pretty fuckin’ nasty, you sick fucks. These people may have been looking for porn.

  • cake cream in pussy images
  • can you rub jello on your clit
  • filling asshole with ice cream
  • can you masturbate with buttercream icing

Porn

These people were just looking for porn, but got diabeetus instead.

  • horse cock  in pussy close up pic original animal
  • cum covered butte
  • put chocolate in her ass
  • www. fresh fucking chocolate pussy.com
  • german baker fucks two men

Fucked-Up Porn

These are a little more than just regular porn.

Random Shit From The Interwebs

So you don’t leave this post with a bad taste in your mouth… These are completely random terms, so I’m sure no one was expecting to land on this site.

  • can cats have cookie butter
  • why does tequila make your penis soft
  • fuck korean tea
  • gay german boys kissing
  • vagina mold hamster
  • green tea and fuck
  • dick shaped shoes

A Learning Experience

I have learned a lot from compiling this list, but I have more questions. So here’s another shittastic list with all the new stuff I learned and questions I have:

  1. People like porn
  2. People can’t spell
  3. How many of my baking ingredients can I masturbate with?
  4. I would like to develop some “lil diabeetus snacks”.
  5. People are full of questions. Seriously, can cats have cookie butter?
  6. Also, fuck Korean tea.

__________

The fucktacular word cloud generator I used

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Mother Fuckin’ Confidence: How To Be An Expert Baker

14 Aug

Fuckin’ Background

For a class project my fellow students and I had to interview each other on our area of expertise. The other students insisted someone interview me for my baking skills, even though I insisted I wasn’t a fuckin’ expert. Eventually, all this talk gave me the confidence I needed to pretend I was an expert, so  I said “Fuck it,” and pretended to be an expert.

How Did This Shit Happen?

Everything went well while I made the shittacular cake. The small fuck-up happened after the cake was completely finished. I put the cake in a container and put it in the fridge, but when I took it out I peeled the layer of icing off the top. Shit.

Shit. The container was a wee bit too small for the diabeetus cake. 

Shit. The container was a wee bit too small for the diabeetus cake.

Holy shit! It looked pretty bad. Not only was there a big hunk of icing missing, there was also a big crack in the icing that looked pretty shitty.

Look at that shit!

Look at that shit!

I didn’t have anymore of the chocolate buttercream icing that I originally used for the cake, but I did have a small amount of strawberry icing in my freezer. I spread some of the strawberry icing on the cake, and no one noticed at all. Can you tell the difference? I sure as fuck can’t.

Best cover up or bestest cover up?

Best cover up or bestest cover up?

Just so no one would question the integrity of the cake, I put a special message on it.

No one questioned this shit. This is one legit-ass cake.

No one questioned this shit. This is one legit-ass cake.

FYFI: The only thing you need to be an expert baker is mother fuckin’ confidence. Everyone who ate the cake said, “This shit is so good! You have so much fuckin’ talent! And you are so pretty and fit!” Yes, that is a direct quote.

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Yes, Even Cake is Bigger and Fuckin’ Better in Texas

31 Jul

I’ve been back in the best country in the world this summer: Texas. I thought I should share a Tejas (Spanish for ‘Texas’, dumbass) cake I made for a friend, since my summer in Texas is almost at an end.

Bigger and Fuckin’ Better Ingredients

  • A fuckton of white cake batter
  • Mother fuckin’ food coloring
  • Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • Tejas and Pistol paper print-outs, unless you are the biggest badass in The West and can free hand that shit.
  • Bigass heart-shaped pan

Bigger and Fuckin’ Better Cake Construction

  1. After the  white cake batter has been made, separate it into three bowls and mix in some red and blue food coloring. Then, pour a bit into the heart-shaped pan and swirl that shit about. (TitTip: Don’t swirl it too much or it will be purple, cock-nuts.)
  2. Bake that fuckin’ shit.
  3. Let that shit cool, and put it in the appropriate place on the cake canvas (for me a ‘cake canvas’ is a cheap metal pan).
  4. Mix some pink dye into some Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze and spread that shit on the cake.
Have a fuckin' heart!

Have a fuckin’ heart!

  1. Repeat step one from the heart-shaped cake, except now you are using square pans.
  2. Then, fuckin’ bake that shit.
  3. After you have let that shit cool, place your Texas stencil on the cake.
  4. Take a bigass knife and go around the edges of the stencil to cut out a Texas-shaped cake.
  5. Align the perfect state on your heart.
  6. Ice that shit in some white icing.
Here's how you make a cake of the best fuckin' state!

Here’s how you make a cake of the best fuckin’ state!

The pistols work like the Texas cut out, expect that you can use the fuckin’ left over cake from the Texas cut out to make the pistols.

Pew! Pew, mother fucker!

Pew! Pew, mother fucker!

Now, to put the whole mother fuckin’ masterpiece together.

Lay that shit out on a cake canvas (AKA: cheap metal pan).

Lay that shit out on a cake canvas (AKA: cheap metal pan).

I made some stars for bullets because bullets are dangerous, but stars are pretty n’ shit.

Todo es mas grande en Tejas! <br /> Everything is bigger in Texas!

Todo es mas grande en Tejas!
Everything is bigger in Texas!

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I Can Fly Twice As High: Dick-Shaped Hot Air Balloon Cookies

17 Jul

Dicktacular Baking Inspiration

The day someone shared penispans.com with me my life was forever changed for the better. From that moment forward I wanted to create something fucktacular a with a phallic baking accessory that would be perceived as something more than just a dick.

I found out friends of mine were having a birthday party for their bad-ass one-year-old, and the theme was hot air balloons. “Holy fuck!” I shouted, as I grabbed my novelty penis cookie cutter and set myself to sketching out a sweet, dick-shaped hot air balloon.

Dicktacular Plans! Yes, this type of thing is just laying around in my apartment all the time. 

Dicktacular Plans! Yes, this type of thing is just laying around in my apartment all the time.

BTFW: If you are thinking: “Hey, this isn’t appropriate for a one-year old’s birthday party! What the fuck is wrong with this bitch?” That is a perfectly normal thing to think. However, please keep in mind:

  1. The kid is one, so she’ll have no idea these are dicks.
  2. Any other kids who see these would have no idea they are chewing on some nommy cocks.
  3. I made other non-dick shaped cookies, so if my friends didn’t want these special cookies out for their kiddo’s party they didn’t have to put them out. When I sent these to my friends, I even threw in some of the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies because I’m thoughtful as fuck.
  4. You’re boring! Don’t be such a prude, fucker.

Cookie Cock Construction

I had to do all the regular cookie making shit: mix an assload of dough, cut out a fuckton of shapes (ex: dicks, rainbows, etc.), and then bake that shit.

Some baked dicks.

Some baked dicks.

Now comes the part that only a master cookie decorator could complete: making the dicks resemble hot air balloons.

Just fuckin’ with you! It’s not hard. Even a fuckhead could do it, so give it a try, fuckhead.

This is how you make dicks look like hot air balloons

This is how you make dicks look like hot air balloons

Be Fuckin’ Careful!

Be careful with this shit! These dicks are soft and break easily.

Story of my life: dick breaking.

Story of my life: dick breaking.

I never cry over a broken dick; I repurpose it.

Building something out of a broken dick.

Building something out of a broken dick.

Hot Air Balloon Dick Cookies

Here are the fucktacular products of my labors.

This shit is colorful.

This shit is colorful.

What a lovely day for a ride in a hot air balloon that's shaped like a dick.

What a lovely day for a ride in a hot air balloon that’s shaped like a dick.

Check out all these hot dicks.

Check out all these hot dicks.

Cookie Cock Comic

I made a horrible comic with a broken dick.

Shitty Dick Comic: Part I

Shitty Dick Comic: Part I

Why Would I Buy a Cock Cookie Cutter?

Why wouldn’t everyone buy a fuckin’ cookie cutter that allows them to make dick-shaped cookies? The possibilities with this cookie cutter are mother fuckin’ endless! I’ve made Christmas Cock Cookies and some Valentine’s Day cock cookies with this cookie cutter.

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