Check Meowt, Fuckers!

23 Oct

One time I made a cake about a bad class, but not all classes and students are bad. Sometimes all the best students join together in one class and gives the instructor hope for the future. This was for one of those fucktacular classes.

Skew you, bitches. 

Skew you, bitches.

Seriously, start putting more graphs on cakes. Next time a pie chart made of actual pie.

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Fuck Itself Diabetes Should

9 Oct

This was a fuckin’ simple cake I made for my father. He has diabeetus and he likes Star Wars.

Fun to make cake is. 

Fun to make cake is.

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Tres Leches + Tequila = Fucked Up Baking

25 Sep

Sober Background

A friend found this fucktacular recipe and we had to have it! Of course, I had to make it because my friends are lazy fuckers.

FYFI: I use only the fuckin’ finest ingredients. How do I know which ingredients are the fuckin’ finest? I taste test all the ingredients, including the tequila used in this recipe. Sometimes I taste the ingredients multiple times…

While making this cake, I thought that I would do the usual and document it with pictures. The problem is…I got drunk and don’t remember the steps (but they are in the fuckin’ recipe above). The point of this story is to suggest that more people bake drunk or get drunk while baking.

Drunken Baking

Here you can see that I mixed some shit together. Sometimes I used a whip or a spatula (I also call it a bowl-scrapey-thing), but there was always tequila involved.

Tequila + Baking = Great Idea!

Tequila + Baking = Great Idea!

At some point in this process I soaked the berries in tequila and lime juice.

Booze-y berries FTW!

Booze-y berries FTW!

After digging through all the pictures, I started to notice a pattern in my drunk baking.

  1. Some sort of baking procedure.
  2. Celebrate shittacular baking skills with a shot!
  3. Another baking procedure.
1) Pour in pan and place in oven. 2) Celebrate with shot. 3) Take out of oven.

1) Pour in pan and place in oven. 2) Celebrate with shot. 3) Take out of oven.

Did you get that last part? If not, see and read it again, but this time with more class. Please pay attention this time, fuckhead.

  1. Pour some alcohol in a glass and drink up! Don’t worry about being un-classy by drinking alone. The wine glass definitely classes up your bad decisions. (TitTip: If you would like a salted glass rim, just let your tears fall on the rim of the glass.)
  2. Then, you pour some shit into a pan, in whatever way the recipe says. I don’t fuckin’ remember what I did.
  3. Ponder how delicious your dessert will be over another homemade drink.
  4. Pour the fuckin’ milk over your cake.
  5. Have another home made cocktail while you wait for the milk to soak in. You’ve done a lot of hard work, so you totally fuckin’ deserve it.
  6. Keep waiting for that shit to soak through.
  7. Pass the soaking time with another cocktail. Seriously, I think this recipe was made for drunk baking.

FYFI: I didn’t have fancy olives, but Sweet Cherrry Fire Pickles and Peppers from Bucee’s worked better. Seriously, it’s what all the classy folks are using now-a-days.

1) Drink. 2) Put some shit in a pan. 3) Drink. 4) Pour that shit on a cake. 5) Drink. 6) Watch that shit soak into the cake. 7) Drink.

1) Drink. 2) Put some shit in a pan. 3) Drink. 4) Pour that shit on a cake. 5) Drink. 6) Watch that shit soak into the cake. 7) Drink.

You were supposed to let this stuff soak for a while, so the only thing to do was to drink some more.

The kitchen was well-lit as shit.

The kitchen was well-lit as shit.

I’m not really sure what happened, as these were the only pictures on my camera when I woke up in the morning.

Am I in the kitchen?

Am I in the kitchen?

Seriously, I’m a great photographer.

Why is this room so bright and blurry? Fuck. Give me another shot.

Why is this room so bright and blurry? Fuck. Give me another shot.

Sober Baking = Lame Baking

After you have sobered up, you can make the icing, spread it on the cake, and write a little message on it.

No more shots...

No more shots…

This was for Cinco de Mayo, which is why the writing es en español. What does it say? Go figure that shit out yourself.

El pastel es una mentira.

El pastel es una mentira.

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The Mother Fuckin’ Best Maple Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies, Bitches

11 Sep

You want something that’s savory, sweet, and diabeetus-filled? Well, look no further, bitches.

This is a variation of the Best Fuckin’ Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Fuckin’ Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar (the regular white shit)
  • 1/2 cup light brown sugar
  • 1/3 butter (softened)
  • 1 egg (room temperature)
  • 1 teaspoon good vanilla extract (I use this shit)
  • 1 teaspoon maple extract or flavoring
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 2-4 fuckin’ handfuls of semi-sweet chocolate chips
  • A package of mother fuckin’ bacon (FYFI: You’ll need real fatty bacon for this. You’re already going to eat some fuckin’ cookies, so don’t get all health conscious on me now.)
  • 1/3 cup of bacon grease (Be sure to reserve your bacon grease, fatties.)

Fuckin’ Steps: 

1. Fry the shit out of your delicious bacon! Be sure to save the grease.

Don't forgot to save that grease for use in the recipe. It also makes a good, all-natural face moisturizer.

Don’t forgot to save that grease for use in the recipe. It also makes a good, all-natural face moisturizer.

2. Put the first 6 fuckin’ ingredients in a bowl along with a 1/3 cup of bacon grease and mix until that shit is mixed well.

TitTip: You’ll want your bacon grease to be room temperature or cool. If that shit is hot it will melt your other ingredients and fuck your shit up. Yes, “fuck your shit up” is the technical baking phrase.

Another TitTip: When you are searching for recipes online always read the dumbass comments. Sometimes there is a helpful comment. The bacon grease idea came from an Interwebs comment. It didn’t say how much, so I had to figure that shit out on my own.

This shit is ready to be mixed.

This shit is ready to be mixed.

3. Now mix in the flour, salt, and baking soda.

At this point you can really smell the diabeetus (bacon and maple) in your dough.

At this point you can really smell the diabeetus (bacon and maple) in your dough.

4. Your dough should look like this shit:

Go ahead and eat a few cups to try it out.

Go ahead and eat a few cups to try it out.

5. Remember you have bacon and smile.

6. Eat a few pieces of bacon.

7. Make the rest into bacon sprinkles by crumbling them.

Blurry bacon and bacon sprinkles!

Blurry bacon and bacon sprinkles!

8. Mix the bacon sprinkles and chocolate chips into your dough.

I had a heart attack when I glanced at this picture.

I had a heart attack when I glanced at this picture.

9. This is what your dough will look like when all your shit is mixed up.

All done with the dough, bitches!

All done with the dough, bitches!

10. Make 1-inch little dough balls and put some extra bacon sprinkles on top. The extra bacon sprinkles will make your cookies look like a culinary marvel. Plus, you can never have too much diabeetus.

Look at this delicious lil' fucker!

Look at this delicious lil’ fucker!

11. Spread your dough balls out a couple of inches apart on a pan.

Your diabeetus is ready to be baked.

Your diabeetus is ready to be baked.

12. Put that shit in the oven on 375 degrees for about 8-10 minutes.

The shitty lighting in this picture makes it look like I bake by candle light.

The shitty lighting in this picture makes it look like I bake by candle light.

13. Let that shit cool.

14. Marvel at your talent by eating so many you fall into a blissful diabetic coma. Nighty, night, happy fatty.

This shit is done!

This shit is done!

Fuckin’ Reviews

When I made these as a test for some friends they liked them. However, about 15 minutes later their stomach hurt. Probably too much bacon grease, so you can lower the amount of bacon grease if you can’t fuckin’ stomach it, pussy. Without the bacon grease there is little bacon flavor, as the sprinkles themselves do not add much bacon flavor.

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The Most Fucktacular Search Terms

28 Aug

FYFI: WordPress allows bloggers to see what search terms people have used to stumble upon their blog.

And the #1 Search Termfor this blog: pussy cupcakes

People have used some pretty fucktacular terms to find this blog. I have categorized the search terms into six categories: Baking, Foul-Mouthed Baking, Nasty Baking (Possibly Porn), Porn, Fucked-Up Porn, and Random Shit From The Interwebs.

I have some real examples of the terms that fit into the categories below for your fuckin’ convenience. If you are too fuckin’ lazy to read through some funny terms, then here is a word cloud to show you the most used words to find this site.

FuckinWordCloud

Pussy is only #2 to cake.

Baking

The people who used these terms were just searching for everyday baking help on the Interwebs. Then, BAM! This blog slapped them in the face with a hard dick. Here are  some innocent terms:

  • sriracha cream cheese frosting
  • how to make a cake shaped like a five
  • lactose free gluten free chocolate chip crust cheesecake
  • best icing
  • vegan flooding icing recipe
  • potato chip cupcakes

Foul-Mouthed Baking

These people knew what they were getting into:

  • messages to write on a dick cake
  • how to make a penis from icing
  • funny fudge recipe with all the foul language
  • diabeetus cake
  • you look fucktacular
  • lil diabeetus snacks

Nasty Baking (Possibly Porn or Both)

These are pretty fuckin’ nasty, you sick fucks. These people may have been looking for porn.

  • cake cream in pussy images
  • can you rub jello on your clit
  • filling asshole with ice cream
  • can you masturbate with buttercream icing

Porn

These people were just looking for porn, but got diabeetus instead.

  • horse cock  in pussy close up pic original animal
  • cum covered butte
  • put chocolate in her ass
  • www. fresh fucking chocolate pussy.com
  • german baker fucks two men

Fucked-Up Porn

These are a little more than just regular porn.

Random Shit From The Interwebs

So you don’t leave this post with a bad taste in your mouth… These are completely random terms, so I’m sure no one was expecting to land on this site.

  • can cats have cookie butter
  • why does tequila make your penis soft
  • fuck korean tea
  • gay german boys kissing
  • vagina mold hamster
  • green tea and fuck
  • dick shaped shoes

A Learning Experience

I have learned a lot from compiling this list, but I have more questions. So here’s another shittastic list with all the new stuff I learned and questions I have:

  1. People like porn
  2. People can’t spell
  3. How many of my baking ingredients can I masturbate with?
  4. I would like to develop some “lil diabeetus snacks”.
  5. People are full of questions. Seriously, can cats have cookie butter?
  6. Also, fuck Korean tea.

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The fucktacular word cloud generator I used

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