Don’t ask a lactose-intolerant, Canadian friend what kind of cake he would like because he’s going to be a dick and request a cheesecake.
“I demand a cake in which the main ingredient is not one I should consume because it acts like poison within my body. I do this because I’m a Canadian, and everyone knows Canadians are difficult assholes. ¿Eh?”
- Lactose-Intolerant Canadian
I may have paraphrased what he said and added some words, but you get the point: Canadians are dicks.
Construction of a Non-Cheese Cheesecake
The recipe I used required a graham cracker crust. (TitTip: If you don’t want to be a lazy mother fucker, make your own crust. Also, the crusts you buy in the store are not always lactose-free, and if I’m making a lactose-free cake, I’m going to do that shit right.)
I still don’t understand the existence of fake-ass cream cheese. Vegans want to talk about eating healthy, all-natural shit, but then they consume things like fake dairy products. You can’t have your non-dairy, soy-free, raw, all live, no GMOs, all natural, harm free, no trans fat, certified wheat/gluten-free, organic, free ranged, vegan cake and eat it too. Seriously, that doesn’t sound edible at all.
The packaging for the fake-ass cream cheese looked pretty normal, but the contents looked fuckin’ disgusting.
It just looked shittier as I progressed in making this abomination of a cake.
Then, I put all that shit in a pan and baked it. It came out looking burnt and nasty, but the instructions claim that’s the way it is supposed to look…
All this fake-ass, nasty shit was worth it to put the incredibly sexy Captain Picard on the cake. (BTFW: That’s not paper. It’s thin, edible icing.)
This was by no means the best cheesecake I’ve ever had, but once you put some sort of topping on it (ex: strawberries, blueberries, chocolate, or maple syrup, if you’re Canadian), it tastes alright. I give this recipe three out of five maple leafs.
I will now sit and wait to receive my new Canadian fans.