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Check Meowt, Fuckers!

23 Oct

One time I made a cake about a bad class, but not all classes and students are bad. Sometimes all the best students join together in one class and gives the instructor hope for the future. This was for one of those fucktacular classes.

Skew you, bitches. 

Skew you, bitches.

Seriously, start putting more graphs on cakes. Next time a pie chart made of actual pie.

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Fuck Itself Diabetes Should

9 Oct

This was a fuckin’ simple cake I made for my father. He has diabeetus and he likes Star Wars.

Fun to make cake is. 

Fun to make cake is.

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Tres Leches + Tequila = Fucked Up Baking

25 Sep

Sober Background

A friend found this fucktacular recipe and we had to have it! Of course, I had to make it because my friends are lazy fuckers.

FYFI: I use only the fuckin’ finest ingredients. How do I know which ingredients are the fuckin’ finest? I taste test all the ingredients, including the tequila used in this recipe. Sometimes I taste the ingredients multiple times…

While making this cake, I thought that I would do the usual and document it with pictures. The problem is…I got drunk and don’t remember the steps (but they are in the fuckin’ recipe above). The point of this story is to suggest that more people bake drunk or get drunk while baking.

Drunken Baking

Here you can see that I mixed some shit together. Sometimes I used a whip or a spatula (I also call it a bowl-scrapey-thing), but there was always tequila involved.

Tequila + Baking = Great Idea!

Tequila + Baking = Great Idea!

At some point in this process I soaked the berries in tequila and lime juice.

Booze-y berries FTW!

Booze-y berries FTW!

After digging through all the pictures, I started to notice a pattern in my drunk baking.

  1. Some sort of baking procedure.
  2. Celebrate shittacular baking skills with a shot!
  3. Another baking procedure.
1) Pour in pan and place in oven. 2) Celebrate with shot. 3) Take out of oven.

1) Pour in pan and place in oven. 2) Celebrate with shot. 3) Take out of oven.

Did you get that last part? If not, see and read it again, but this time with more class. Please pay attention this time, fuckhead.

  1. Pour some alcohol in a glass and drink up! Don’t worry about being un-classy by drinking alone. The wine glass definitely classes up your bad decisions. (TitTip: If you would like a salted glass rim, just let your tears fall on the rim of the glass.)
  2. Then, you pour some shit into a pan, in whatever way the recipe says. I don’t fuckin’ remember what I did.
  3. Ponder how delicious your dessert will be over another homemade drink.
  4. Pour the fuckin’ milk over your cake.
  5. Have another home made cocktail while you wait for the milk to soak in. You’ve done a lot of hard work, so you totally fuckin’ deserve it.
  6. Keep waiting for that shit to soak through.
  7. Pass the soaking time with another cocktail. Seriously, I think this recipe was made for drunk baking.

FYFI: I didn’t have fancy olives, but Sweet Cherrry Fire Pickles and Peppers from Bucee’s worked better. Seriously, it’s what all the classy folks are using now-a-days.

1) Drink. 2) Put some shit in a pan. 3) Drink. 4) Pour that shit on a cake. 5) Drink. 6) Watch that shit soak into the cake. 7) Drink.

1) Drink. 2) Put some shit in a pan. 3) Drink. 4) Pour that shit on a cake. 5) Drink. 6) Watch that shit soak into the cake. 7) Drink.

You were supposed to let this stuff soak for a while, so the only thing to do was to drink some more.

The kitchen was well-lit as shit.

The kitchen was well-lit as shit.

I’m not really sure what happened, as these were the only pictures on my camera when I woke up in the morning.

Am I in the kitchen?

Am I in the kitchen?

Seriously, I’m a great photographer.

Why is this room so bright and blurry? Fuck. Give me another shot.

Why is this room so bright and blurry? Fuck. Give me another shot.

Sober Baking = Lame Baking

After you have sobered up, you can make the icing, spread it on the cake, and write a little message on it.

No more shots...

No more shots…

This was for Cinco de Mayo, which is why the writing es en español. What does it say? Go figure that shit out yourself.

El pastel es una mentira.

El pastel es una mentira.

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Yes, Even Cake is Bigger and Fuckin’ Better in Texas

31 Jul

I’ve been back in the best country in the world this summer: Texas. I thought I should share a Tejas (Spanish for ‘Texas’, dumbass) cake I made for a friend, since my summer in Texas is almost at an end.

Bigger and Fuckin’ Better Ingredients

  • A fuckton of white cake batter
  • Mother fuckin’ food coloring
  • Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • Tejas and Pistol paper print-outs, unless you are the biggest badass in The West and can free hand that shit.
  • Bigass heart-shaped pan

Bigger and Fuckin’ Better Cake Construction

  1. After the  white cake batter has been made, separate it into three bowls and mix in some red and blue food coloring. Then, pour a bit into the heart-shaped pan and swirl that shit about. (TitTip: Don’t swirl it too much or it will be purple, cock-nuts.)
  2. Bake that fuckin’ shit.
  3. Let that shit cool, and put it in the appropriate place on the cake canvas (for me a ‘cake canvas’ is a cheap metal pan).
  4. Mix some pink dye into some Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze and spread that shit on the cake.
Have a fuckin' heart!

Have a fuckin’ heart!

  1. Repeat step one from the heart-shaped cake, except now you are using square pans.
  2. Then, fuckin’ bake that shit.
  3. After you have let that shit cool, place your Texas stencil on the cake.
  4. Take a bigass knife and go around the edges of the stencil to cut out a Texas-shaped cake.
  5. Align the perfect state on your heart.
  6. Ice that shit in some white icing.
Here's how you make a cake of the best fuckin' state!

Here’s how you make a cake of the best fuckin’ state!

The pistols work like the Texas cut out, expect that you can use the fuckin’ left over cake from the Texas cut out to make the pistols.

Pew! Pew, mother fucker!

Pew! Pew, mother fucker!

Now, to put the whole mother fuckin’ masterpiece together.

Lay that shit out on a cake canvas (AKA: cheap metal pan).

Lay that shit out on a cake canvas (AKA: cheap metal pan).

I made some stars for bullets because bullets are dangerous, but stars are pretty n’ shit.

Todo es mas grande en Tejas! <br /> Everything is bigger in Texas!

Todo es mas grande en Tejas!
Everything is bigger in Texas!

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Da Butt

3 Jul

Why Da Butt Cake?

A professor wrote “Is that da-butt” on a biological psychology quiz in reference to a perfect rendition of a brain I drew. Obviously, he is obsessed with ass, so I knew the only way to make him pay attention to a cake was to form it into the perfect tush and make it asstastic!

Probably the best picture of a brain you've ever seen. Yes, I allow people to use this image for free, but for educational purposes only.

Probably the best picture of a brain you’ve ever seen. Yes, I allow people to use this image for free, but for educational purposes only.

Constructing Da Butt

Making da butt cake was fuckin’ easy!

This cake is a tribute to Dr. Seuss: 1 Cheek, 2 Cheeks, Iced Cheeks, Diabeetus Cheeks.

This cake is a tribute to Dr. Seuss: 1 Cheek, 2 Cheeks, Iced Cheeks, Diabeetus Cheeks.

However, the ass cheeks just weren’t round enough. I used the top part of another cake to make nice, rounded ass cheeks.

Ain't no one want no flat ass cake.

Ain’t no one want no flat ass cake.

Then, all that is left is to ice the perfect ass cake.

Don't you just want to smack it with an open palm and then pinch it a bit?

Don’t you just want to smack it with an open palm and then pinch it a bit?

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