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Yes, Even Cake is Bigger and Fuckin’ Better in Texas

31 Jul

I’ve been back in the best country in the world this summer: Texas. I thought I should share a Tejas (Spanish for ‘Texas’, dumbass) cake I made for a friend, since my summer in Texas is almost at an end.

Bigger and Fuckin’ Better Ingredients

  • A fuckton of white cake batter
  • Mother fuckin’ food coloring
  • Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • Tejas and Pistol paper print-outs, unless you are the biggest badass in The West and can free hand that shit.
  • Bigass heart-shaped pan

Bigger and Fuckin’ Better Cake Construction

  1. After the  white cake batter has been made, separate it into three bowls and mix in some red and blue food coloring. Then, pour a bit into the heart-shaped pan and swirl that shit about. (TitTip: Don’t swirl it too much or it will be purple, cock-nuts.)
  2. Bake that fuckin’ shit.
  3. Let that shit cool, and put it in the appropriate place on the cake canvas (for me a ‘cake canvas’ is a cheap metal pan).
  4. Mix some pink dye into some Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze and spread that shit on the cake.
Have a fuckin' heart!

Have a fuckin’ heart!

  1. Repeat step one from the heart-shaped cake, except now you are using square pans.
  2. Then, fuckin’ bake that shit.
  3. After you have let that shit cool, place your Texas stencil on the cake.
  4. Take a bigass knife and go around the edges of the stencil to cut out a Texas-shaped cake.
  5. Align the perfect state on your heart.
  6. Ice that shit in some white icing.
Here's how you make a cake of the best fuckin' state!

Here’s how you make a cake of the best fuckin’ state!

The pistols work like the Texas cut out, expect that you can use the fuckin’ left over cake from the Texas cut out to make the pistols.

Pew! Pew, mother fucker!

Pew! Pew, mother fucker!

Now, to put the whole mother fuckin’ masterpiece together.

Lay that shit out on a cake canvas (AKA: cheap metal pan).

Lay that shit out on a cake canvas (AKA: cheap metal pan).

I made some stars for bullets because bullets are dangerous, but stars are pretty n’ shit.

Todo es mas grande en Tejas! <br /> Everything is bigger in Texas!

Todo es mas grande en Tejas!
Everything is bigger in Texas!

__________

Da Butt

3 Jul

Why Da Butt Cake?

A professor wrote “Is that da-butt” on a biological psychology quiz in reference to a perfect rendition of a brain I drew. Obviously, he is obsessed with ass, so I knew the only way to make him pay attention to a cake was to form it into the perfect tush and make it asstastic!

Probably the best picture of a brain you've ever seen. Yes, I allow people to use this image for free, but for educational purposes only.

Probably the best picture of a brain you’ve ever seen. Yes, I allow people to use this image for free, but for educational purposes only.

Constructing Da Butt

Making da butt cake was fuckin’ easy!

This cake is a tribute to Dr. Seuss: 1 Cheek, 2 Cheeks, Iced Cheeks, Diabeetus Cheeks.

This cake is a tribute to Dr. Seuss: 1 Cheek, 2 Cheeks, Iced Cheeks, Diabeetus Cheeks.

However, the ass cheeks just weren’t round enough. I used the top part of another cake to make nice, rounded ass cheeks.

Ain't no one want no flat ass cake.

Ain’t no one want no flat ass cake.

Then, all that is left is to ice the perfect ass cake.

Don't you just want to smack it with an open palm and then pinch it a bit?

Don’t you just want to smack it with an open palm and then pinch it a bit?

__________

Your Best Life Decision Now In Cake-Form

19 Jun

Ever do something you fuckin’ regretted the shit out of at a party in front of a bunch of assholes? Well, that was fuckin’ stupid of you. This cake summarizes what may have been the best moment of two dudes’ lives.

German chocolate cake is the cake of lovers. 

German chocolate cake is the cake of lovers.

I lied. There were actually three dudes involved. They all took turns tongue-kissing each other to to horror or enjoyment of the crowd.

If you think this is strange, please keep in mind, the most-fucked up cake I’ve ever created was for for one dude involved in this fun life event.

_________

 

OctoVag > OctoPussy

5 Jun

Last year I made a friend my first foul-mouthed cake. Everyone thought it was pretty fuckin’ inappropriate at the time, but I decided to outdo myself with a shit-ton of mother fuckin’ inappropriateness on her most recent birthday cake. How could I outdo myself? With OctoVag!

All vaginas have a beauty all of their own. I call this work of vaginal art OctoVag.

All vaginas have a beauty all of their own. I call this work of vaginal art OctoVag.

I bought this octopus mold a couple of months prior to the making of this cake knowing that I would use it for my friend, but, at the time, I had no precise plans for it. As with all great artists, the fucktacular idea hit me one day when I was ever-so furiously masturbating.

This octopus resembles a bunch of droopy labia and one extra pointy clitoris. Go ahead. Rub your fuckin' nose in that clit!

This octopus resembles a bunch of droopy labia and one extra pointy clitoris. Go ahead. Rub your fuckin’ nose in that clit!

Dear Foul-Mouthed Baker,

Are you still friends with this person? I don’t see how you can be, since you are obviously a MEGA cunt. Also, I bet your cakes taste like shit and your face is stupid.

Best,
Concerned About Your Social Life

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Howdy Concerned About Your Social Life,

We are still MEGA best forever friends. My friends heart diabeetus and jokes, but especially diabeetus.

Go Fuck Yourself,
The Foul-Mouthed Baker

_________

This Mother’s Day Remember to Recognize the Struggles of the Vagina

8 May

A dear friend of mine had a baby less than a month before Mother’s Day, so when her special day of recognition came her bits were still a little fucked up. Rather than say, “Yo shit is fucked up!”, I decided to wish her pussy a speedy recovery.

That shit was fucked up, but the vagina was happy for the kind words of encouragement.

That shit was fucked up, but the vagina was happy for the kind words of encouragement.

__________

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