The Foul-Mouthed Baker

Today is Chocolate Day! Time to celebrate Chocolate Day with chocolate balls of bliss. (A friend of mine described these chocolate truffles as “balls of bliss”, and said she felt dirty eating them.)

Also, chocolate balls of bliss are the key ingredient in attracting Penisaurus Rex.

Ingredients

• Chocolate Buttercream icing
• Vegan Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips
• Crisco (or a less shameful shortening)
• Wax paper

Assembling Blissful Balls 

Put a bunch of chocolate chips in a microwavable bowl in the microwave with a little bit of Criso and let it spin until that shit is melted (a couple of minutes). I like my chocolate balls soft, so I use more Crisco. If you like tough, hard balls, then use less Crisco.

There is way too much Crisco in this picture. Oops.

If you used the buttercream icing I indicated, you can freeze it and then roll it into balls.

I fizz the whole time I make these balls.

Once you roll the buttercream into balls, you can drop the balls into the melted chocolate, pull the balls out with a utensil, and put the balls on some waxed paper.

TitTip: Use a fork to pull the balls out of the melted chocolate. I used a spoon, which is why there are giant puddles of chocolate under all my balls. Nothing wrong with the extra chocolate, but if you are one of those snooty confectionists you’ll probably want your balls to look pretty. I never go for pretty balls. I go for delicious balls. Delicious = Diabeetus.

Chocolate balls belong in your mouth.

Once you have covered all the balls in chocolate, put the balls in the fridge. In about a hour, the chocolate balls should be firm and then you can devour those fuckin’ balls.

Making Your Own Balls of Bliss

You can do a lot with this recipe and make these balls your own balls. I’ve added peanut butter to the chocolate buttercream recipe and used that to make peanut butter truffles. You can also try adding some other flavors, nuts, or fruits to the buttercream.

If you don’t like dark chocolate, you can go fuck yourself.  I mean, you can use milk chocolate chips or white chocolate chips.

I have some top secret ideas that I might share one day. When? When I fuckin’ feel like it. Don’t rush my creativity.

Attracting Penisaurus Rex

The main reason to make chocolate balls of bliss is to attract Penisaurus Rex. Penisaurus Rex fuckin’ loves chocolate balls of bliss. If you leave a plate of them outside your door over night, he will eat them all. Don’t try and stay up and look for him. Penisaurus Rex can’t perform under that kind of pressure, so he will only come if you aren’t watching.

I saw him one time, but I had to use a series of mirrors to catch a glimpse of him. Also, I was drunk, so no one believes that I saw him.

Legend has it, one cannot look at him directly, like Medusa. Unlike Medusa, if you look directly at Penisaurus Rex, instead of turning to stone, he will just jizz on your face. The jizz tastes like chocolate truffles, so the jizz is nice and refreshing. Or so I’ve been told…

My artistic rendition of how a kindergartner would depict Penisaurus Rex eating chocolate balls.

Coming Soon…

The elusive VaginaRaptor.

Sometimes she’s a slippery girl.

__________

Tags: balls, Bliss, Buttercream, Chocolate, chocolate balls, Chocolate Butter Cream Icing, Chocolate chip, chocolate Day, Chocolate truffle, Confectionery, Crisco, Dessert, Food, Medusa, Peanut butter, Penisaurus Rex, Sugar, truffle, truffles, Types of chocolate, VaginaRaptor, Vegan, vegan truffles, veganize, veganized, Wax paper