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Archive | January, 2017

Inauguration Day 2017: Grab Some Pussy

19 Jan

Several (million) US citizens have been feeling powerless over our next president, but I suggest grabbing your power back by grabbing some pussy in a very dissimilar way to what our soon-to-be-president advises. How can you grab your power back? By making pussy cookies and grabbing them, of course! Devouring the Trump cat cookies will give you magical pussy grabbing abilities.

Use these easy to follow steps to construct your Trump pussy cookies:

  1. Follow the best damn sugar cookies recipe, which is vegan, gluten-free, and sturdy as fuck.
  2. Arrange your pussy cookie cutters for no other reason than to incite jealousy in one of your faithful feline companions.
Neglecting a cat to make cat cookies. He's probably going to kill me in my fuckin' sleeping, while purring the entire time.

Neglecting a cat to make cat cookies. He’s probably going to kill me in my fuckin’ sleeping, while purring the entire time.

3. Roll out that dough on some waxed paper and cut out some pussies.

Making pussy, so I can grab it!

Making pussy, so I can grab it!

4. Grab those pussies shapes up and slap them down on a pan with parchment paper. Bonus Pussy Grabbing Points: elicit disapproving stares from another feline companion.

Bonus Pussy Grabbing Points: elicit disapproving stares from another feline companion.

Bonus Pussy Grabbing Points: elicit disapproving stares from another feline companion.

5. Bake the pussy cookies, and let that shit cool.

6. Make your favorite pussy colors in incing form.

A rainbow of pussy colors!

A rainbow of pussy colors!

7. Decorate your pussies. I even gave mine horrible Trump wigs.

These cats are very shiny and bright, which is the exact opposite of the future of the USA.

These cats are very shiny and bright, which is the exact opposite of the future of the USA.

8. If you made way too much icing, like I always do, put that shit in your compost. Or you can eat it, fatty.

Delicious, diabetes-filled compost.

Delicious, diabetes-filled compost.

9. Let the pussies dry for a few hours to overnight. The icing will harden and get less shiny.

Imagine these pussies climbing a giant border wall.

Imagine these pussies climbing a giant border wall.

Originally, I wanted to make all different color cats: brown tabbies, black cats, grey cats. However, I made the orange tabbies, and they seem fuckin’ purrfect for Trump cats. They are orange and look like they used some splotchy spray tan, just like the president-elect.

Pussy cookie or US president?

Pussy cookie or US president?

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Semi-Healthy Mini Chocolate Tarts

5 Jan

Why are these tarts are only “semi-healthy” and not super, mega healthy? Because they are still a dessert, but as far as desserts go these tarts aren’t horrible for you. They are the leafy greens of the dessert world. There are even some tips throughout the recipe and at the end to help make these tarts even more sorta, kinda healthy-ish. However, they will never reach kale status, so do not use them as a leafy green replacement.

This recipe is based on a recipe that is based on Hail Merry tarts, so this is a knock-off of a knock-off. It tastes fuckin’ good and isn’t horribly unhealthy, so I have no shame when I make them and shove them in my pie hole.

Ingredients: 

Shit needed for the crust:

  • 1 1/2 cups of almond flour or meal
  • 6 tablespoons of cacao powder
  • 3 tablespoons of delicious syrup (maple syrup or VitaFiber works pretty fuckin’ good)
  • 3 tablespoons of coconut oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon of salt

Shit needed for the filling:

  • 1 1/2 cups of dark cacao powder
  • 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons of delicious syrup
  • 2 tablespoons of coconut oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon of salt
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Making the crust: 

  1. Put all the crust ingredients in a bowl and mix them until they are blended. The shit will be lumpy like in the picture below, but that is what you want to see.
  2. Press the crust mixture into the bottoms of a mini cupcake pan. About a tablespoon of the mixture for each mini crust.
This is what the crust looks like in bad lighting.

This is what the crust looks like in bad lighting.

Makin’ the filling: 

  1. Place all the filling ingredients in a bowl or food processor, and blend that shit until it is smooth as fuck.
  2. Once all the ingredients are well blended, fill each of the little crusts with filling.
  3. Put the tarts in the fridge for about 2 to 4 hours.
  4. Take them out once they are solid and keep that shit covered. They are good for a few days. Once or twice I kept them for a couple of weeks.
  5. *Optional: If you used VitaFiber or some other less sweet syrup, sprinkle a little bit of coconut sugar on top of each tart. You can also sprinkle some extra sugar on top if you used extra sugary syrup, if you want perfect thighs and waistline.
Blurry filling mixture at the top. Overly glared filling mixture at the bottom.

Blurry filling mixture at the top. Overly glared filling mixture at the bottom.

I ate one and then remembered I needed to take a picture. As you can tell, I'm a very professional blogger.

I ate one and then remembered I needed to take a picture. As you can tell, I’m a very professional blogger.

Notes and substitutions for the fucktacular baker (That’s you. You’re fucktacular!):

  • Syrup Substitution: When I first made these, I used maple syrup, but recently I’ve been using VitaFiber. VitaFiber is sugar-free and low calorie, but doesn’t have a shitty aftertaste like other sweeteners. (I’ve also used FiberYum because I have no brand loyalty.) Both of these are a little less sweet than sugar or syrups, so to make the tarts less bitter I sprinkle coconut sugar on top of the tarts when they come out of the fridge. They taste sugar-filled, but they aren’t.
  • Flavor Challenge: Don’t be lame and experiment with other flavors. I added a teaspoon of peppermint extract to the filling for some minty tarts. I’ve also added about half a teaspoon of cinnamon, cardamom, and ginger to make chai flavored tarts.
  • Oil Replacement: The oil in the filling can be replaced with an avocado. I used a whole one once, and that was probably too much as the filling was super, fuckin’ thick (but still tasted fucktacular). I think half or a fourth of an avocado would work much better. Or you can stick with the coconut oil and eat the avocado. God damn, avocadoes are amazing!

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