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Tag Archives: Vanilla

Are Orgasms Vegan?

24 Jun

In the past I have made a few fucktacular vegan desserts. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a delicious, diabeetus-filled gateway to a lifestyle change into veganism.

Yes, I’m a Fuckin’ Vegan

Yes, all the shittacular desserts posted on this blog will be vegan from now on. I’m also going  to remake shit to give them a vegan tweak. (**Update: I finally remade and tweaked the recipes. It only took me a year and a half. Look for “Veganize this shit”, as it will give tips on how to make linked recipes vegan.)

The best part about vegan desserts is you non-vegans can enjoy them as well, unless you have some fuckin’ allergies or some shit like that. However, I’m too nice, so I will probably try to make stuff gluten and nut free.

Shitty Questions About Vegan Baking

People have asked me all kinds of shit since I decided to be vegan. Here are some of the questions:

1. “How are you going to bake now?

Answer: Same way I always have. Like a fuckin’ badass cunt.

2. “You made this? It’s vegan?

Answer: Yes, everything I bake from now on will be vegan as fuck.

3. “How do you make cookies/cake/other-diabeetus-treats vegan? What is in this?” *skeptical stare*

Answer: It is incredibly easy to make anything you want vegan as long as you aren’t a lazy-ass fuck. I go to the same grocery store as you normal shitheads, but buy the shit that’s cruelty-free.

4. “I bet vegan desserts don’t taste as good as ‘the real thing’.

Answer: Vegan desserts aren’t fake ass shit. They are the real thing. It is highly likely that you have had a vegan dessert and didn’t fuckin’ realize it.

All of the vegan desserts I’ve made so far are as good if not better than their non-vegan counterparts. Maybe you should stop jumping to conclusions about things you don’t know shit about.

5. “This cookie is delicious. There’s butter in this, isn’t there? Tastes and looks like the cookies my grandma used to make.

Answer: Nope. No dairy, cruelty-filled butter. That shit is vegan.

*giggles* I have really enjoyed tricking people thus far.

6. “Vegans are lame. And boring. Will this be reflected in your baking?

Answer: You’re a judgey asshole. No cupcake for you.

7. “Are orgasms vegan?

Answer: Yes. The real question should be: Are batteries vegan?

8. “Will you still write inappropriate stuff on desserts that is fun for the whole family?

Answer: Fuck yes! Otherwise, I’d have to change the name of the blog to some lame-ass shit, like Cute Cupcake Farts for Babies or Titty Sprinkles. (As you can see I can’t even think of a fuckin’ appropriate name for a baking blog, so I’ll stick with being foul-mouthed.)

Here’s a particularly clever one I made recently for a couple of awesome co-workers. I presented it to them at a meeting we had together on Friday morning because presentation is the fuckin’ key.

Yes, this shit is vegan. Next time I need to add titty sprinkles. 

Yes, this shit is vegan. Next time I need to add titty sprinkles.

Here’s Some Shit That’s Vegan:


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Fizzing in Everything: Versatile Chocolate Buttercream Icing

20 Jun

This shit is amazing and it makes me fizz just thinking about it! I use it with a lot of different cakes and other recipes. Also, it can be eaten by itself  because: DIABEETUS!

Ingredients

  • Crisco, the regular shit (1/2 cup)
  • Butter flavored Crisco (1/2 cup)
  • Powdered sugar, approximately 1 asston (4 – 5 cups)
  • Cocoa powder (1/3 cup)
  • Vanilla (at least 1 teaspoon)
  • Vegan dry milk, put some water in it so it isn’t fuckin’ dry anymore, (2 tablespoons)

NOTE: If you are not willing to commit to making as much icing as I do (probably because you are a penis), then the measurements needed to ice the fuck out of one regular-sized cake are in parentheses above. I suggest that you make a lot because icing brings all the bitches to your yard. Chocolate buttercream brings the classy bitches.

More chocolate buttercream  = more classy bitches. Someone should turn that idea into a pop song, make millions, and generously split those millions with me, the creative mastermind.

Instructions

Beat the two criscos (sp? Criscoes? Criscii?) together until they are fluffy as shit. You will want equal amounts of both fatty-fat-fats depending on how much icing you want (or use the amounts above).

Now, add in the coco powder. The amount of cocoa powder depends on how chocolaty you want your icing. I usually like it pretty fuckin’ chocolaty, so I add in a shitton of cocoa powder (an amount equaling the amount of Criso already in the mixing bowl). Also, if you like dark chocolate, I suggest using the dark chocolate cocoa powder. Fuckin’ delicious.

COCO!

This shit is healthy?

Now you can start adding in the powdered sugar, vanilla, and milk. I like my icing really thick, so I only add milk if my mixer won’t move anymore (or if the motor in the mixer breaks, and I have to go buy a new one). I wish I could fins a mixer that could handle my thick icing.

Icing

This shit is thick!

As always, I get super carried away with icing, as only the most amazing bitches do. The picture below is of a 6-gallon container filled with this buttercream icing to about the 5-gallon mark. I’m not ridiculous. YOU’RE FUCKIN’ RIDICULOUS.

Fuck! So much icing

Fuck! So much icing.

You can use this icing on almost everything. This is the icing I used on a meat cake, cupcakes, and I’ve used it for the center of truffles. Something shittacular you can put this on is an ice cream cake. This stuff is soft enough to cut after you’ve frozen it, while other buttercreams might get hard as a fuckin’ brick after you freeze it.

I really want to try it on a giant cookie cake one day. That day will be the single greatest day of my life.

Make Your Shit Your Own

Another great thing you can do with this icing is add your own flavors. In the past, I’ve used concentrated instant hazelnut coffee to add a hazelnut flavor. I’ve also added peanut butter (in the first step, along with the Criscii) to have a peanut butter chocolate buttercream.

Use your mother fuckin’ brain, be creative, and try different flavors! If your are going to get diabeetus, then you might as well enjoy the ride.

Sorry, I was just thinking about putting strawberries in this and fizzed all over my office chair.

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Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze

31 May

Background

Of all the recipes I have, this is the oldest fucker. The first thing I was ever allowed to use the mixer for when I was a wee one.

Recipe

The biggest problem with this recipe is that I never measure anything for it. But if you are smart, you can probably figure this shit out on a trial and error basis.

– Aquafaba (the leftover liquid shit from a can of chickpeas)
– Shortening (only all-veggie, since that animal fat shit is fuckin’ disgusting)
– Fuckton of powdered sugar (at least 6 fucktons)
– Vanilla extract (I’m really fuckin’ picky about my vanilla, and you should be too)
– Dry vegan milk* (make that shit up like it says on the package)

Directions

First, you fluff the shit out of the aquafaba with the whip attachment. Whip it until you get what other bakers call “stiff peaks”. This could take some fuckin’ time.

If anyone knows what you can do with just the yolk, please let me know. I’ve felt guilty for wasting the yolks for years.

Here’s some egg whites with the shit fluffed out of them.

Here’s some aquafaba with the shit fluffed out of it.

Then, you add in some Criso or all-veggie shortening. The amount I put in is usually equals the same as the aquafaba that just had the shit fluffed out of them. You should mix the Criso until it is a bit fluffy. It will look like the picture I’ve provided for you, cause I’m fuckin’ thoughtful.

The egg whites plus Crisco. Give it a taste. I swear it tastes good. *Giggle*

The aquafaba plus Crisco. Give it a taste. I swear it tastes good.
*Giggle*

Now you can start adding in the fuckton of powered sugar. I think for every ounce of aquafaba, I use about 4 fucktons of powered sugar, but this recipe is all to your own taste.

As you are mixing in the powered sugar you can add in the vanilla and prepared dry milk. I fuckin’ love vanilla, so I always add a shitload of vanilla. You add in the liquidy shit to the consistency you want the icing to be. I usually like mine a bit thick, but, as always, do whatever you fuckin’ want.

Mix in multiple fucktons of powered sugar. The DIABEETUS gods will thank you.

Mix in multiple fucktons of powered sugar. The DIABEETUS gods will thank you.

This time I made a lot of icing, so I had to separate it because my feeble hand mixer couldn’t handle this shit.

I made so much fuckin’ icing this time that I had to separate it into another bowl. Go big, or go the fuck home!

I made so much fuckin’ icing this time that I had to separate it into another bowl. Go big, or go the fuck home!

Uses and TitTips

I use this icing as my fail-safe for every cake and to decorate most my cakes. It’s white (if you haven’t been paying attention), so it is really easy to add any color you want to it.

TitTip: When making dark colors, you can add coco powder. This helps in conserving food color, makes the color dark, and get rids of or minimizes the aftertaste that most food colors have.

If you are a dude, who weights half a ton, like myself, you can also just eat this shit. I eat it like mother fuckin’ candy! Seriously, I eat it all the time. Quite often I push the cake to the side and only eat this icing. My favorite thing to do is to mix shredded coconut into an undisclosed amount of icing, and then call it “dinner”. Sometimes I like to pair it with cookie dough.

Best fuckin’ dinner around! What? It has coconut in it. Coconut is healthy.

Best fuckin’ dinner around! What? It has coconut in it. Coconut is healthy.

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*Vegan Dry Milk Recommendations:

The go-to dry milk is rice milk powder. It doesn’t have a strong flavor on it’s own, so it won’t give your icing a flavor you are not intending.

Soy milk powder is comparable to rice milk, but soy milk is not my fuckin’ favorite.

Vegan coconut milk powder is great, if you are making a cake that would benefit from a little coconut flavor.

Vegan TitTip: Be sure to really read through the dry milk ingredients, especially if it isn’t fuckin’ labeled “vegan”. I read a lot of reviews for different dried milk powders, especially coconut, and there were lots of complaints on some brands adding some sort of dairy into the product.

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