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Tag Archives: Asshole

Are Orgasms Vegan?

24 Jun

In the past I have made a few fucktacular vegan desserts. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a delicious, diabeetus-filled gateway to a lifestyle change into veganism.

Yes, I’m a Fuckin’ Vegan

Yes, all the shittacular desserts posted on this blog will be vegan from now on. I’m also going  to remake shit to give them a vegan tweak. (**Update: I finally remade and tweaked the recipes. It only took me a year and a half. Look for “Veganize this shit”, as it will give tips on how to make linked recipes vegan.)

The best part about vegan desserts is you non-vegans can enjoy them as well, unless you have some fuckin’ allergies or some shit like that. However, I’m too nice, so I will probably try to make stuff gluten and nut free.

Shitty Questions About Vegan Baking

People have asked me all kinds of shit since I decided to be vegan. Here are some of the questions:

1. “How are you going to bake now?

Answer: Same way I always have. Like a fuckin’ badass cunt.

2. “You made this? It’s vegan?

Answer: Yes, everything I bake from now on will be vegan as fuck.

3. “How do you make cookies/cake/other-diabeetus-treats vegan? What is in this?” *skeptical stare*

Answer: It is incredibly easy to make anything you want vegan as long as you aren’t a lazy-ass fuck. I go to the same grocery store as you normal shitheads, but buy the shit that’s cruelty-free.

4. “I bet vegan desserts don’t taste as good as ‘the real thing’.

Answer: Vegan desserts aren’t fake ass shit. They are the real thing. It is highly likely that you have had a vegan dessert and didn’t fuckin’ realize it.

All of the vegan desserts I’ve made so far are as good if not better than their non-vegan counterparts. Maybe you should stop jumping to conclusions about things you don’t know shit about.

5. “This cookie is delicious. There’s butter in this, isn’t there? Tastes and looks like the cookies my grandma used to make.

Answer: Nope. No dairy, cruelty-filled butter. That shit is vegan.

*giggles* I have really enjoyed tricking people thus far.

6. “Vegans are lame. And boring. Will this be reflected in your baking?

Answer: You’re a judgey asshole. No cupcake for you.

7. “Are orgasms vegan?

Answer: Yes. The real question should be: Are batteries vegan?

8. “Will you still write inappropriate stuff on desserts that is fun for the whole family?

Answer: Fuck yes! Otherwise, I’d have to change the name of the blog to some lame-ass shit, like Cute Cupcake Farts for Babies or Titty Sprinkles. (As you can see I can’t even think of a fuckin’ appropriate name for a baking blog, so I’ll stick with being foul-mouthed.)

Here’s a particularly clever one I made recently for a couple of awesome co-workers. I presented it to them at a meeting we had together on Friday morning because presentation is the fuckin’ key.

Yes, this shit is vegan. Next time I need to add titty sprinkles. 

Yes, this shit is vegan. Next time I need to add titty sprinkles.

Here’s Some Shit That’s Vegan:


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A Dick Under The Heel Is Worth Two By The Balls

10 Apr

Background

A smart, beautiful friend of mine has been a fan of my fucktacular baking for some time and my blogging since the beginning. She has put a lot of my shit in her mouth, but I haven’t had the chance to make something especially for her. A few months ago a mutual friend of ours sent me a picture of some high heel cupcakes, and said they would be great for our friend. She is a fancy lady who enjoys pretty shoes, so they would be perfect for her. However, I needed to put a twist on them that my friend would enjoy and would stay true to my baking style. My idea was quite natural, since my friend is a powerful lady that steps on dicks where ever she goes.

Dicktacular Cupcake Instructions

The four dicktacular steps:

  1. Make the dicks
  2. Make the mother fuckin’ cupcakes
  3. Gather cute shit
  4. Construct the fuckin’ fancy shoes

1. Make The Dicks

This is step #1 because this is why you are here. If I didn’t put this first you would just be screaming at your screen in anger: “WHERE ARE THE FUCKIN’ COCKS, YOU ASSHOLE BLOGGER!”

Be sure to locate the most realistic penii mold possible because no one wants to put a cartoon cock in their mouth. You can use melt dark, milk, and white chocolate for the penii. You’ll probably need to trim them a bit afterward.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

Make sure you make them all different colors, or your cupcakes will be boring, bland, and racist.

Colorful penii!

Colorful penii!

I’ll give my best fuckin’ friendship to whoever can make these cream-filled. And….GO!

2. Make The Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes

You can make this with your favorite cupcake recipe. Here are some suggestions: margarita cupcakes, mother fuckin’ cookie butter cupcakes, and potato chip and pretzel cupcakes.

Follow these easy steps, fuckhead:

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

2. Let that shit cool.

2. Let that shit cool.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Gather Cute Shit

I hope you looked at the high heel cupcakes made by others. That shit is cute, so I tried to make this shit cute too.

First, you should decide on your shank (FYFI: I discovered, with my Google-ing expertise, a shank is the part of the high heel shoe below the arch.) I made these shanks with white chocolate covered oval-shaped cookies.

TitTip: I would suggest using something graham crackers. Graham crackers would be light enough to hold ingredients, but not so heavy as to weigh down and fuck up some of the shoes.

Gather all the cutest decorating shit you can find. Sprinkles, candies, colored sugar, and maybe more dicks. Dicks can be cute, right?

4. Construct The Fuckin’ Shoes

These were the best instructions on how to construct the high heeled shoes that I could fuckin’ find. You’ll have to change them a bit to compensate for the cock, but who hasn’t had to do some compromising and compensate for a little bit of dick?

First, dig a spoon-sized hole in the backside of the cupcake. Be sure to eat what you dug out of the cupcake to optimize your chances of diabeetus. Next, insert your cookie in the hole at an angle. Then, get a little bit of melted chocolate, take a carefully measured and cut thick pretzels and put it between your shoe shank and a dick.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

Side dick view? Sure, if there is "side boob", why not side dick?

Side dick view! Sure, if there is “side boob”, why not “side dick”?

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Mother fuckin' close-ups!

Mother fuckin’ close-ups!

Get in real close. Don't be shy.

Get in real close. Don’t be shy.

The cupcakes arrived at their destination in pieces and broken. The cookies fell off the cupcakes and the heels slid off the cocks. I guess it’s safe to say these dicks had a rough ride. *winky face*

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U.S.S. Douche Canoe of Friendship

12 Sep

Today is Kansas governor Sam Brownback’s birthday! Happy birthday, Brownback! Let us celebrate Sammy’s special day with the story of last year’s celebration he had with a friend of mine.

Best Birthday Ever

My friend was about to depart on a trip around the world with three of his best and most open-minded friends (pictured below) for Sammy’s birthday. These four bros call themselves The Fuckin’ Fabulous Foursome! After every meeting, they huddle together and exclaim “FUCKIN’ FABULOUS FOURSOME!” I’ve seen it happen, and that shit is adorable.

It’s common knowledge that a strong foursome is held together by the unique talents of its members:

  1. My friend is the captain and the brains behind the Fuckin’ Fabulous Foursome. He chose his crew wisely one night when he was really drunk.
  2. Chief Navigator, Pat Robertson, has constant contact with Jeebus, which is all he needs to navigate the douche canoe through turbulent waters and to steer clear of rainbows.
  3. Obviously, Rush Limbaugh is the canoe’s diplomat, since he is a smooth talker, and possesses all of the Foursome’s sex appeal. He has bailed the Foursome out of many tight spots by cramming as many dicks as he can in his mouth to impress people. How many dicks can he fit in his mouth, you ask? The answer: a shitton.
  4. Originally, this was supposed to be The Twattastic Trio, but Private Sammy just happened to be around and the Trio couldn’t figure out how to get rid of him.  Sometimes Sammy brings coffee and donuts. Everyone says he’s “a nice guy,” but that’s not really a talent.

I can’t tell you anymore about the story because the rest has been copyrighted by Disney. This adventure will be represented by the newest Disneyland attraction: U.S.S. Douche Canoe of Friendship (COMING SUMMER 2016).

Cake Construction

This yellow cake recipe was nommy, and I paired it with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze.

Veganize that shit: Yellow birthday cake usually calls for lots of eggs and this cake was no different, but substituting VeganEgg 1:1 is the key to a great vegan cake. You can exchange Earth Balance or another vegan butter for the cow butter, and then make your own vegan buttermilk. For this recipe, put two cups of your favorite vegan milk and 1 and a half tablespoons of white distilled vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.

I used sugar sheets for the first time on this cake (see the shiny water). Check out the fucktacular stick figure and douche canoe art. I am a motherfuckin’ artist!

Look at that fuckin' sun! That shit is shiny and friendly!

Look at that fuckin’ sun! That shit is shiny and friendly!

I fucked up the writing on the douche canoe, so I had to scrape it off and write it again in white.

TitTip: If you ever fuck up writing or drawing on a cake, it is super easy to scrape that shit off with a flat knife and try again. Your non-cake decorating friends won’t notice.

I definitely can’t draw faces, so I ordered their faces printed on thin sheets of icing through some store on Etsy.

Rush always wins at "How Many Dicks Can You Fit in Your Mouth". No one else is usually playing.

Rush always wins at “How Many Dicks Can You Fit in Your Mouth”. No one else is usually playing.

Then, I peeled the heads off and stuck them on the cake.

The U.S.S. Douche Canoe setting off into the sun!

The U.S.S. Douche Canoe setting off into the sun!

Look at Limbaugh! That guy totally needs a few dicks in his mouth. He’s like a dick zombie.

Real Cake Background

This cake was a farewell cake for a dear friend of mine who was leaving the great Midwest to a wonderful job at Google on the west coast. While I was quite jealous of him being able to leave this place, I still wanted to wish that asshole well with a cake. I like to get at my friends’ personalities when I make them a cake, so keep in mind my friend would (1) complain about crazy conservatives and the bullshit they support or say and (2) was really into saying “douche canoe” at the time. Also, another friend of mine had been wanting to see “you are dead to us now” on a cake to this friend for months.

If you are checking this cake out, Sammy, it is not for you. However, I did just make a cookie jar full of cookies for you. They are waiting for you at the state fair.

__________

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For DIABEETUS!

29 Aug

Don’t let the fact that ice cream cake is the leading cause of diabeetus stop you from making one. There is an upside: the maker of the ice cream cake has a 90% chance of getting laid. FYFI: The previous claim is still in the experimental phase. The ice cream cakes I’ve made haven’t gotten me laid, but I know it has to work. *crosses fingers*

Is taking advantage of someone in a diabetic coma similar to taking advantage of a drunk person? No. This needs no further ethical consideration.

Ice cream cakes are fuckin’ easy to make. Try it yourself with these 8 easy steps.

Ice Cream Cake Construction

  1. Bake your cake of choice and let that shit cool completely.
  2. Wrap that shit up tight and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours.
  3. Take out your ice cream (Coconut based ice creams are fuckin’ fantastic!) and let it melt at room temperature, for about 30 minutes. You don’t want it to be liquid, just a bit squishy.
  4. Put some waxed paper in the same pan you used to make the cake. Then, press the ice cream all around to fill the pan.
  5. Cover your ice cream and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours. No less than 8 hours, or you’ll fuck this shit up!
  6. Then, take your cake and ice cream out of the freezer and layer it how you want.
  7. Use Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze around the edges and between the layers, and you probably have a mess to clean up later.
  8. Now think of something very sentimental to write on your shittastic cake.
cakes

Ice cream cake is fucktacular!

I made this cake for a couple of friends, who were having a combined birthday party. One friend requested an ice cream cake and the other requested Funfetti. Ugh, I hate Funfetti! I decided to make a Funfetti ice cream cake for them, so they were each getting half a cake.

Veganize that shit: Funfetti isn’t vegan, but you can choose your favorite white vegan cake recipe and add about a cup of sprinkles and have a much better end product. Unless you fuck that shit up.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends. Possibly get laid?

The cake and ice cream combinations of ice cream cakes are endless. I’ve made triple chocolate, green tea, and a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. Take my well-founded advice: Don’t be a pussy and try something new!

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The Horse Says “Neigh, Mother Fucker!”

8 Aug

Background

Sometimes I make cakes that make outsiders say, “Wut da fuk? Do you even cake, bro?” Yes, I can cake the cake out of cakes. Also, I think about cakes A LOT, and sometimes I start planning them months in advance. This cake was developed from an office prank, which happened months before the cake as made.

One particular friend, who enjoys the ERMAHGERD language and ponies (actually, he likes to wear a horse head mask, but close enough), said there wasn’t enough pranking happening in our department. Then, he left for three months on an internship, which gave me plenty of time to wrap up his office space.

I wrapped the shit out of everything in his office space: cords, books, chair, and a trash can.

I wrapped the shit out of everything in his office space: cords, books, chair, and a trash can.

This friend was defending his dissertation a few months after he came back from his internship, so I decided to make him relive this wonderful moment in his life in cake-form.

Ingredients

  • Shittastic cake recipe (don’t use a boxed cake, asshole) (TitTip: White cakes are the easiest to color)
  • Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • Food coloring (I had pink and an aqua green color to match the prank)
  • A pan that matches your friend’s personality (Hopefully, your friend doesn’t have a neigh-ative personality.)
  • Cake decorations (candy flowers made this shit festive)
  • Non-Cake decorations (I used the plastic ponies from the first prank. They aren’t edible, but they gave the cake a certain majesty.)

Recipe

First, mix your cake. If you want to color the cake, you can divide up the batter and mix in the food coloring. Then, you swirl that shit about in your pan(s) of choice.

Look at all the thoughtful, fuckin' work I did.

Look at all the thoughtful, fuckin’ work I did.

As you can see, I fucked up the pony head by ripping its face off, not just once, but twice. Sometimes fuckin’ shit up is okay. I used my first mistake as a text bubble for the pony.

TitTip: If you don’t want to rip the face off the pony, just let that shit cool completely. I am very impatient and I ain’t got time to wait for cakes to cool.

Then, it was time to decorate the shit out of the cake!

1, 2, 3, I am fuckin' talented! Don't worry, folks, no self-esteem problems here.

1, 2, 3, I am fuckin’ talented!
Don’t worry, folks, no self-esteem problems here.

Look at my pony! I’m am a mother fuckin’, self-taught, cake decorating expert!

Finally, I had to think of something good to put in the speech bubble. This was for my friend’s dissertation defense, and I wouldn’t know if he passed or not, until after I made the cake. I didn’t want to look silly by saying “Congratulations!” and he fail. Also, pass or fail, he tried really hard. (Ask anyone who has a PhD if trying on your dissertation means anything. It doesn’t. You either passed and got your PhD or you didn’t.)

Another titbit, in the original office prank, there was a picture frame containing a picture of me and a couple of other fucktacular people on his desk that said “Forever Friends”. From that moment in time to forever we were solidified as “Forever friends”.

Done, bitches.

ERMAHGERD! CERK!

A few people complained and said they didn’t understand the message. Well, the message wasn’t for you, assholes. Next time I make a pony, it will just say “Neigh, Mother Fucker!” Then, everyone can tell me how clever I am.

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