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How to Make Carrots Unhealthy: Carrot Cupcakes

15 Jun

A cake made of carrots must be healthy as fuck, right? Wrong, asshole!

The Shit You Will Need:

  • 4 flax eggs (4 tablespoons of ground flaxseed and 1/2 cup of water)
  • 1 pound of carrots (get the colorful ones for shits n’ giggles)
  • 2 1/2 cup of flour (gluten-free flour works too)
  • 1 teaspoon each of baking powder and soda
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1 tablespoon of ground cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon each of ground nutmeg, cloves, and ginger
  • 1 cup of granulated sugar
  • 1 cup of light brown sugar
  • 3/4 cup of coconut oil, melted
  • 1 cup of chopped pecans or walnuts

How To Make This Shit:

  1. Make the flax eggs by mixing the flaxseed and water. Place in a fridge for a few minutes, and then mix again. Once it is thick, that shit is ready to go.
  2. Peel and shred the fuck out of the carrots.
Get the colorful carrots for shits n' giggles.

Get the colorful carrots for shits n’ giggles.

3. Combine the flour, baking soda and powder, salt, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and nutmeg.

4. Add the carrots you shredded the fuck out of to the flour.

Colorful shit here.

Colorful shit here.

5. In a food processor, or with a mixer, mix the sugars and flax eggs until that shit is light n’ frothy as fuck.

6. Slowly add the oil to the mixture, until it is combined.

7. Mix this shit in with the carrot-flour mixture, until combined.

8. Add the nuts (*giggles about nuts*), but only if you fuckin’ feel like it.

9. Fill cupcake tins about 3/4 full.

10. Bake for about 15-20 minutes (or 30-40 minutes for a 9-inch cake) at 350 degrees Fahrenheit. A toothpick should come out clean as fuck when inserted in the middle and they should be a lil’ brown.

This batter is fuckin' thick!

This batter is fuckin’ thick!

Mmmm...nuts.

Mmmm…nuts.

11. Add some vegan cream cheese icing. Tittip: For extra flavor you can add some ground cinnamon and ginger to the icing.

Pretend you know how to decorate cupcakes!

Pretend you know how to decorate cupcakes!

Mother Fuckin’ Memories:

One of the first cakes I made was a carrot cake:

This cake looks like shit, but it came from a good place: my fuckin' heart.

This cake looks like shit, but it came from a good place: my fuckin’ heart.

Now I have a better grasp of color contrast.

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How to Make a Cake for a Shithead

2 Mar

Have you tried to decorate a cake before, but fucked it up?

Afraid you will fuck up your next cake decorating attempt?

Feeling like a hopeless fuck-up?

Then this is the cake for you to make to win back your undeserved self-esteem! It doesn’t matter how well you make this cake or how much you fuck it up; it will still look like shit and that’s the goal!

The Shit You’ll Need:

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Measure, cut, and stack up your shitty cake. Ensure this shit is stable.
Stack your blurry shit.

Stack your blurry shit.

2. Ice the first layer with some of that fuckin’ amazing buttercream icing.

Ice the first shitty layer.

Ice the first shitty layer.

3. Ice the next shitty layers. Don’t worry about smoothing it out too much. Remember: it is supposed to look like shit.

Ice the other shitty layers.

Ice the other shitty layers.

4. Ice the top shitty layer.

Don't forget to ice the top shitty layer.

Don’t forget to ice the top shitty layer.

5. Add some extra pieces of cake on the side, so you can make a ramp for your shit-like icing.

Add some leftover shit cake pieces to the side. This is a shitty cake and shouldn't look perfect.

Add some leftover shit cake pieces to the side. This is a shitty cake and shouldn’t look perfect.

6. Ice the shit ramps.

Ice the extra shit you stuck to the side.

Ice the extra shit you stuck to the side.

7. Pipe out the butter cream icing. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to look too nice. The shittier it looks the better!

Pipe out some icing to make your cake look more shit-like.

Pipe out some icing to make your cake look more shit-like.

8. Try to write something clever as legible as possible.

Don't forget to write the message on your shit, so the shithead you are giving it to knows it is for them.

Don’t forget to write the message on your shit, so the shithead you are giving it to knows it is for them.

Extra bonus step: make lil’ pooplets with the leftover cupcakes or pieces of cake.

Make bonus lil' pooplets for the other people in your life. They are probably shitty too, but not a total shithead.

Make bonus lil’ pooplets for the other people in your life. They are probably shitty too, but not a total shithead.

Give this to the shithead in your life and make him (or her) super fuckin’ happy!

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Put This Shit in Your Mouth: Vanilla Cake with Toasted Coconut Icing

8 Jul

Background

This cake was made for one of my most fucktacular friends. She likes cats, desserts, bragging about going to the gym, complaining about Leg Day, and makes me noms, so I made her a birthday cake.

If you want to be a good friend, you will make someone this cake too. Do it, don’t be an asshole.

Fuckin’ Ingredients

For the diabeetus cake:

  • 4 1/2 cups of flour, the vegan kind
  • 1 teaspoon vegan baking soda
  • 4 teaspoons baking powder that fuckin’ vegans use
  • 1 teaspoon vegan salt
  • 2 1/4 cups of harm-free, vegan sugar
  • 1 cup veggie oil, the vegan kind
  • 3 teaspoons vegan vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon coconut extract, it better be vegan
  • 2 tablespoons vegan white vinegar
  • 3 cups milk, make sure that shit is vegan

For the fucktacular icing:

  • 1 cup shortening (Don’t use that animal fat shit. Make sure it’s vegan.)
  • 6 cups vegan powdered sugar
  • Prepared dry soy milk (or another type of dry vegan milk)
  • 2 vanilla beans, make sure you get the vegan ones
  • 1 bag of vegan toasted coconut flakes

*Note: I have learned one thing from reading a shitton of vegan cooking/baking blogs: Reiterate “vegan” on every ingredient, lest your audience forget they are looking at a vegan recipe. 

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Cake: 

1. First, you need make the vegan buttermilk. To do this, put the milk and vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for a bit. Maybe 10 minutes or so. I sort of forgot how long I let mine sit because I didn’t set a timer. The mixture will curdle a little bit, but it is supposed to so don’t fuckin’ worry about it.

Looks like a bowl of cum... Mmmmm...

Looks like a bowl of cum… Mmmmm…

2. Once your super vegan buttermilk has set, mix it with the oil and and the two ultra vegan extracts. Be sure to recheck your ingredients to make sure they are vegan as fuck.

3. Add all the dry, vegan ingredients into bowl with your other vegan ingredients.

4. Mix the shit out of them.

5. Then, mix that shit some more.

Mix all your vegan shit. 

Mix all your vegan shit.

6. Make sure your batter is all smooth n’ shit.

7. Pour that shit you just made into two 9-inch pans that are nicely lubed up with vegan lube (AKA: an oil of your choosing).

8. Put it in the oven for about 35-45 minutes at 350 degrees, or until that shit is the lightest of browns and is slightly separating from the side of the pan.

9. When it is done, let that shit cool on a wire rack.

Fuck. You are awesome at making VEGAN cakes now.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Icing: 

1. Veganly (you know, with the least harm possible) whip up the shortening.

2. Slowly mix in some powdered sugar.

3. As you are adding in powdered sugar, add in the vegan milk, tablespoons at a time, to make the icing more or less thick (depending on your fuckin’ tastes).

4. Cut open the vanilla beans and mix that shit in too. If you want, you can add some coconut extract (a teaspoon or two) for extra vegan goodness.

Making vegans fat. 

Making vegans fat one icing at a time.

Spread that shit on the first layer and cram some toasted coconut on top. Add the next cake layer, and slather that fucktacular icing all over the cake. Then, try to put some more toasted coconut on the top and side of your cake to make that shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

TitTip: Add a border around the edge of your cakes to make them super, fuckin’ classy.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

FYFI: I’m cool with being vegan and other vegans; however, anyone can be annoying, including beautiful vegans. One of those things is to keep saying the ingredients throughout a vegan recipe are vegan. I KNOW THEY ARE! THAT’S WHY I CHOSE THIS FUCKIN’ RECIPE!

I wanted to take anyone who reads this post through that annoying journey. You are so fuckin’ welcome! However, I promise to not be this fuckin’ annoying in the future. Once is funny. Twice makes me an asshole.

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Give Her What you Can’t Tell Her: Diabeetus for Mother’s Day

7 May

I wanted to make something super fuckin’ awesome for my mother for Mother’s Day, and a delicious creamy pie with a sentimental message sounded fucktacular!

FYFI: I love living alone with my four pussies.

FYFI: I love living alone with my four pussies.

At first my mom thought the cake message was cute, but then she thought about it too much and asked if I was blaming my divorce on her. Oh, mother, you don’t understand my jokes. I’m not sure where my fucked-up sense of humor came from. Probably too many hours on the Interwebs.

My mother is very supportive. She tried to read this blog once, and made it through a whole entry before she decided that was enough. If my mother used “the F-word” she would probably say I’m pretty fucked-up, but, you know, in a loving way.

Dat side boob. I mean side view. This is a cake not a tit.

Dat side boob. I mean side view. This is a cake not a tit.

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Hashtag Cake

29 Jan

Hashtags on Twitter. Hashtags on Faecbook. What’s next hashtags on cake? Too late, fuckers.

#Diabeetus

#Diabeetus

I’ve made this unicorn poop cake for the same fuckin’ friend for the last three years. Last year’s cake probably contained the worst message I’ve ever written on a cake (so far).

BTFW: Don’t look too close, assholes. You’ll see how I made an outline with a toothpick, and then didn’t follow the fuckin’ outline or smooth that shit out.

__________

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