Archive | September, 2013

The Best Icing in the God-Damned World

26 Sep

A friend of mine introduced me to the world of matcha, and my life was forever changed. If you haven’t tried matcha green tea candy, cake, or some other dessert you should take a step back and seriously examine your life. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?!?!

I thought matcha would pair nicely with ginger, and it did. I’m a fuckin’ genius! I’m also super fuckin’ nice, so I will share my Matcha-Ginger Cream Cheese Icing recipe with you.


  • 1 fuckin’ package of vegan cream cheese (8oz package)
  • 1 stick o’ Lardy McChunkyBuns Butter (1 stick, any vegan stick will do)
  • Matcha green tea powder (2+ tablespoons)
  • Ground Ginger (2+ tablespoons)
  • 4 fucktons of powdered sugar (4 cups)


Make sure the cream cheese and butter is softened and then mix that shit together until it is smooth.

If you are unaware of the wonders of green tea, this probably looks unappetizing and shitty. Just the color of the matcha powder makes my mouth water.

If you are unaware of the wonders of matcha, this probably looks unappetizing and shitty. Just the color of the matcha powder makes my mouth water.

Then, mix in the ginger and matcha green tea powder. Finally, mix in a fuckton of powdered sugar. I’ve heard from expert sources (e.g., Asians) that you can’t have too much green tea flavoring. So I put a lot more matcha powder in there than stated in the ingredients, but do whatever the fuck you want.

Put That Shit On A Cake

I put this god-damned icing on a green tea cake, but I think it would work on a vanilla cake too.

This is making my mouth fuckin' water.

This is making my mouth fuckin’ water.

Check This Shit Out

My friend was going off on an internship several states away for a few months. Several states away? Might as well be another country. We wanted her to come back, so I made the place she was going to seem pretty lame.

'Merica: Land of Cake and DIABEETUS!

‘Merica: Land of Cake and DIABEETUS!

She’s back, so, obviously, the cake worked.


Re: Kansas State Fair

24 Sep

Here’s a recap of what went down with my entries at the Kansas State Fair, for those paying attention.

Entry Submission

Submission was  uneventful, despite a group of friends claiming “shit was going to go down,” or they would have to bail me out of “state fair jail”.

The old-lady-state-fair-volunteer-workers who took my entries said my items were so “colorful”, and they seemed enthusiastic about my rainbow equality cookies. Perhaps the pride was lost on them because of Kansas’ relationship with The Wizard of OZ? This would only happen in the Midwest, since rainbows are banned in the Deep South.


I got some mother fuckin’ ribbons! And one wasn’t just a “thanks for playing” ribbon.



I wasn’t expecting to win, but one of my cakes got third place in a beginner cake decorator competition.

FYFI: A friend asked me about the stargates on my cakes. It was supposed to be a ferris wheel, but you can see the resemblance. I have an entire year to get better at making ferris wheels. However, I would prefer to keep the stargates and have a sci-fi theme, Kansas State Fair. *cough**nudge*cough*

This is what people who came to the Kansas State Fair saw. You can see my loser cake in the background.

This is what people who came to the Kansas State Fair saw. You can see my loser cake in the background.

My other cake got a fabulous participation ribbon. To my dismay, I discovered that I accidentally switched my cake entries and went over the size restrictions of the other category by one inch. I totally fucked myself, and not in the fun, masturbatory way.

The disparity between the judges’ scores on my nearly identical cakes was lolworthy. One cake (3rd place cake) got a score of 55 and the other got a score of 38 (both out of a total of 80). I noticed that the pair of judges for each cake was different. A difference of opinion? Maybe? I feel like there was something a little more going on there. The judges that gave me 3rd place gave me constructive feedback to help improve my decorating techniques, but the other judges basically said “Y U NO FOLLOW RULES!”.

My scores from the judges. I very subtly scribbled names out.

My scores from the judges. I very subtly scribbled names out.

How to Make an Old Midwestern Lady Cry

Generally, most of the baked goods judging takes place before the fair is open to the public. However, they were still judging entries when I came to check out the competition, and got to see the judges judgingly judge my governor’s cookie jar. The judging took place in a crowded building and the judges are behind an area that is closed off to the public. Guests can only see the judges and not hear what they are saying.

A judge pulled my jar out of the display and all the judges seemed a little amused and smiled at each other a bit. Soon other state fair worker bees (not judges, but fair volunteers) were summoned over to the table.  When there were about six old ladies standing around my jar one of them spotted the pride flag and fanned it out to get a good look at it. At this moment one old lady burst into a fit of laughter and the other ladies were at least smiling or chuckling. After about half a minute of laughter, one old lady reached up towards her eye, pulled her glasses up, and wiped a finger near the edge of her tear duct. I made an old lady cry! From laughter!

The judges repaid the favor with a comment on my cookie jar evaluation sheet: “Jar is a little over decorated – less is better”. My jar was fuckin’ fabulous! If you can’t handle it, then my advice is to “suck it”.

This mission was a success.

Now, I await the announcement of next year’s theme, so I can think of the best way to make more old ladies cry.

My fingers still crossed for a sci-fi theme and more stargates!


Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho! T’ Bakin’ Life Fer Me!

19 Sep

A’hoy, me hearties! Me day as a baker be long ‘n harrrd, but always ends in a vast treasure ‘o desserts. T’ bakin’ day begins wit’ me on a supply quest at a behemoth warehouse store.

What t' shit-barnacles, matey! That be a muckton o' bakin' supplies. Seven pounds o' sugar and Cris'o!

What t’ shit-barnacles, matey! That be a muckton o’ bakin’ supplies. Seven pounds o’ sugar and Cris’o!

Once I return to me home port, I search through me current supplies ‘n spy wit’ me one jolly ol’ eye what gunna be of use to me.

Side Tale: I lost t’ other eye in a sword fight wit’ a rival baker! That picaroon  tried to hornswaggle me out ‘o t’ best chocolate chips ‘o t’ seven seas, n’ thar be a huge bounty on that wench’s head. T’ sea wench be tough, but I only lost t’ eye n’ she went below wit’ her boat n’ crew to Davy Jones’ locker! I be no swashbuckler, but I be knowin’ me way ’round a sword. I salute that sea wench ‘n me right eye by pourin’ me some spiced grog ‘n drinkin’ five tankards every year on t’ anniversary ‘o t’ event.

Me freezer be filled wit’ icin’, dough, ‘n cakes. Thar always be rum ‘n spirits in t’ freezer. I drink a few tankards ‘o t’ spiced rum before I start me bakin’. I love spiced grog!

Drinkin' spiced grog be harrrd work, but that be t' bakin' pirate's scurvy life.

Drinkin’ spiced grog be harrrd work, but that be t’ bakin’ pirate’s scurvy life.

At t’ end ‘o me bakin’ day, I fill a chest wit’ baked goods. No doubloons in ’tis chest! Some would consider t’ cookies a more lovely booty, since doubloons be not a real currency now ‘o days.

Look at t' amazin' booty! No, sea hag gunna have any 'o 'tis.

Look at t’ amazin’ booty! No, sea hag gunna have any ‘o ’tis.

On most days, a wild strumpet be comin’ around me treasure ‘n asked to take a look, but me ‘n me friend, Ol’ Peg-Leg McGee , along wit’ his trusty parrot came ‘n made that harlot eat shit-barnacles. (FYFI: Shit-barnacles no be tastin’ jolly, but be a cure fer hangovers.)

Be Needin’ Help ‘n Shoutin’ Like a Scurvy Pirate? 

I used a couple ‘o different scurvy pirate translators ‘n pages to help me shout like a pirate n’ not a sea hag or a wee lass! Check ’em out:

  1. Post Like a Pirate:  I had a jolly hour wit’ this translator. It be tryin’ to change “cat” to “sea monster”, “cunt” to “lady part”, ‘n “bitch” to “scallywag”. Harrharr!
  2. A Pirate’s Glossary of Terms: It lists a bounty ‘o wonderful scurvy pirate terms.
  3. Talk Like a Pirate Day: News fer Speak Like a Scurvy Pirate Day.
  4. Causin’ a Ruckas: Other people causin’ a ruckas wit’ ’tis fine day.
  5. Awilda: A scurvy lady pirate, ‘n me favorite wench. Cap’n Rusted Hook ain’t got nothin’ on ’tis lass. T’ more ye be knowin’!


Peanut Butter Bar For Peanut Day

13 Sep

Today is Peanut Day! Celebrate the day with peanut butter bars to help progress you and your friends’ diabeetus.


I was going to make up some really cool story about a near-death experience that would have involved dragons, dick zombiesPenisaurus RexVagina Raptor, a unicorn, and a couple of lolcats, but that may have caused the Interwebs to throw up in its mouth.

The only car accident I’ve ever been in happened earlier this year. I hit some slippery ice, spun around in the middle of the Kansas turnpike, hit the middle concrete-divider-thing, and lightly landed just off the side of the road. My friend and I weren’t hurt, and somehow there was just a slight dent in her car. She’s still my friend and doesn’t try to make me feel like a bad person for crashing her car. Also, neither one of us shit our pants, so in my book that’s a win.

Risk you life and receive a dessert. Worth it!

Risk you life and receive a dessert. Worth it!

My friend had been wanting a peanut butter bar for nostalgia purposes for a little while, so I thought she deserved it after almost killing her. Life is short, eat peanut butter bars, and die a slow death by diabeetus.

FYFI: I used my own fucktacular recipe. I decorated with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze.


U.S.S. Douche Canoe of Friendship

12 Sep

Today is Kansas governor Sam Brownback’s birthday! Happy birthday, Brownback! Let us celebrate Sammy’s special day with the story of last year’s celebration he had with a friend of mine.

Best Birthday Ever

My friend was about to depart on a trip around the world with three of his best and most open-minded friends (pictured below) for Sammy’s birthday. These four bros call themselves The Fuckin’ Fabulous Foursome! After every meeting, they huddle together and exclaim “FUCKIN’ FABULOUS FOURSOME!” I’ve seen it happen, and that shit is adorable.

It’s common knowledge that a strong foursome is held together by the unique talents of its members:

  1. My friend is the captain and the brains behind the Fuckin’ Fabulous Foursome. He chose his crew wisely one night when he was really drunk.
  2. Chief Navigator, Pat Robertson, has constant contact with Jeebus, which is all he needs to navigate the douche canoe through turbulent waters and to steer clear of rainbows.
  3. Obviously, Rush Limbaugh is the canoe’s diplomat, since he is a smooth talker, and possesses all of the Foursome’s sex appeal. He has bailed the Foursome out of many tight spots by cramming as many dicks as he can in his mouth to impress people. How many dicks can he fit in his mouth, you ask? The answer: a shitton.
  4. Originally, this was supposed to be The Twattastic Trio, but Private Sammy just happened to be around and the Trio couldn’t figure out how to get rid of him.  Sometimes Sammy brings coffee and donuts. Everyone says he’s “a nice guy,” but that’s not really a talent.

I can’t tell you anymore about the story because the rest has been copyrighted by Disney. This adventure will be represented by the newest Disneyland attraction: U.S.S. Douche Canoe of Friendship (COMING SUMMER 2016).

Cake Construction

This yellow cake recipe was nommy, and I paired it with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze.

Veganize that shit: Yellow birthday cake usually calls for lots of eggs and this cake was no different, but substituting VeganEgg 1:1 is the key to a great vegan cake. You can exchange Earth Balance or another vegan butter for the cow butter, and then make your own vegan buttermilk. For this recipe, put two cups of your favorite vegan milk and 1 and a half tablespoons of white distilled vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.

I used sugar sheets for the first time on this cake (see the shiny water). Check out the fucktacular stick figure and douche canoe art. I am a motherfuckin’ artist!

Look at that fuckin' sun! That shit is shiny and friendly!

Look at that fuckin’ sun! That shit is shiny and friendly!

I fucked up the writing on the douche canoe, so I had to scrape it off and write it again in white.

TitTip: If you ever fuck up writing or drawing on a cake, it is super easy to scrape that shit off with a flat knife and try again. Your non-cake decorating friends won’t notice.

I definitely can’t draw faces, so I ordered their faces printed on thin sheets of icing through some store on Etsy.

Rush always wins at "How Many Dicks Can You Fit in Your Mouth". No one else is usually playing.

Rush always wins at “How Many Dicks Can You Fit in Your Mouth”. No one else is usually playing.

Then, I peeled the heads off and stuck them on the cake.

The U.S.S. Douche Canoe setting off into the sun!

The U.S.S. Douche Canoe setting off into the sun!

Look at Limbaugh! That guy totally needs a few dicks in his mouth. He’s like a dick zombie.

Real Cake Background

This cake was a farewell cake for a dear friend of mine who was leaving the great Midwest to a wonderful job at Google on the west coast. While I was quite jealous of him being able to leave this place, I still wanted to wish that asshole well with a cake. I like to get at my friends’ personalities when I make them a cake, so keep in mind my friend would (1) complain about crazy conservatives and the bullshit they support or say and (2) was really into saying “douche canoe” at the time. Also, another friend of mine had been wanting to see “you are dead to us now” on a cake to this friend for months.

If you are checking this cake out, Sammy, it is not for you. However, I did just make a cookie jar full of cookies for you. They are waiting for you at the state fair.