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Tag Archives: United States

From North Korea, With <3

17 Oct

White people have a certain talent for mis-guessing the nationalities of other people, especially Asians. I have a cracker friend who tried to argue the nationality of our mutual Vietnamese friend, Mikki, and insisted she was Korean. Good thing for him, our friend has a good sense of humor and thought it was funny. The joke lingered for a while and friends decided she was North Korean, since North Korea is bestest Korea.

Mikki is crazy about green tea flavored shit, so I decided to make her a green tea cake with a special message from most supreme leader, Kim Jong Un.

Veganize that shit: The green tea cake recipe is very easy to make vegan. Replace the eggs with VeganEgg, and the milk, cream cheese, and yogurt with your favorite non-dairy versions.

For the 250th intelligence report comrades receive a gold watch and a free subscription to People Magazine: North Korean Edition.

For the 250th intelligence report comrades receive a gold watch and a free subscription to People Magazine: North Korean Edition.

I’ve had my eye on the Most Fucktacular Baker title in North Korea for a while now, so I really hope Kimmy sees this and recognizes my talent.

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Pro-Cake

18 Jul

Whenever someone asks me about my stance on abortion, I confidently respond that I have a moral obligation as an American to be pro-cake. I don’t care if you are pro-choice or otherwise, as long as the discussion, decision, debate, abortion, filibuster, and /or rally ends with a sweet slice of cake.

To celebrate my friend’s decision to remain pregnant and shit out a beautiful, baby covered in her vagina particles, I made her a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing.

Veganize that shit: Replace the eggs with VeganEgg, and the cream cheese and butter with your favorite vegan alternative. I am not aware of any vegan buttermilk that is commercially available, but making your own is so fuckin’ simple. To do this, put a cup of your favorite vegan milk and 3/4 tablespoon of vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.

Holy Shit! A baby! But more importantly? A cake.

Holy Shit! A baby! But more importantly? A cake.

Cake Decorations

I can’t draw, so I bought some creepy, plastic babies to decorate the cake from a craft store that only had the choice of white or black babies. I know, some of you are thinking, “That’s racist!” But it isn’t, and I will tell you why. There are the only two types of newborn babies: black and white. All human babies are born either white or black, but some of them grow into other types of babies (ex: Asian, Hispanic, Canadian, etc). This is not common knowledge among people who haven’t given birth to a baby that didn’t turn out white or black. I always learn so much from my visits to ultra-conservative craft stores.

Here's a close up of the creepy cracker babies. DAT ASS!

Here’s a close up of the creepy cracker babies.
DAT ASS!

Original Idea

My original idea for this cake was to write “Don’t forget to eat the placenta!”, and put a gruesome pile of afterbirth in the middle of the cake. Eventually, I decided that this might be too gruesome and people would be afraid to eat a cake made in the image of afterbirth.

Lawmakers should threaten poor women with this idea. It would go like this:

Conservative, law-making dude: Poor women of child-bearing potential, especially minorities, we know sex is great, but if you get pregnant we are going to force feed you a cake with afterbirth drawn on it.

Poor women of child-bearing potential: Ew. We don’t want to eat that, so we will abstain from sex.

Sounds like a pretty fuckin’ effective birth control method to me. It’s at least as effective as abstinence-only education.

You’re welcome, ‘Murrica.

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Happy Birthday ‘Murica!

4 Jul

Today is the birthday of the greatest nation on Earth: ‘Murica!

I made a cookie big enough to fuck up Lady Liberty’s blood glucose levels.

Ingredients

  • 2 giant cookies
  • 1 dash of fuckin’ justice
  • 4 1/2 teaspoons of misogyny
  • 3 asstons of Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • 1 cup of liberty
  • 2 tablespoons of ethnocentrism
  • All the pride you can muster (which should be a fuckton, unless you are a foreigner)

Add all the ingredients together and you have the best fuckin’ birthday cake this nation, or any other nation, has ever laid eyes upon.

'Murica! Fuck Yeah!

‘Murica! Fuck Yeah!

I contemplated deep-frying the whole thing. Or topping it in deep-fried butter. Or both.

Instead, I just drew some butter and a Big Gulp in the eagle’s talons. Drawing the butter was easier than deep-frying butter or the whole cookie. I am an ‘Murican, therefore I am lazy.

Have some butter to wash down that giant soda.

Have some butter to wash down that giant soda.

Happy fuckin’ birthday, Murrica!

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Sportsball World Tri-Series-Athon 2013

30 May

Background

I am a HUGE sportsball fan! Okay, you got me. I haven’t watched sportsball in years and don’t keep up with any teams or players. However, I used to play basketball in high school and my father owned a sports card and paraphernalia shop for many years, so I do know a decent amount about sports and many give me no credit for my knowledge in the area. In their defense, I make fun of sportsball almost every chance I get.

I was invited to a Super Bowl party earlier this year, since that’s when the Super Bowl takes place. I hardily laughed at the Facebook invite, but before I could make a comment mocking everyone about the Super Bowl, someone announced that they were bringing something fuckin’ delicious and wrapped in bacon (AKA: heaven). “Holy fuck!” I thought. I almost forgot that Sportsball is usually accompanied with delicious, unhealthy food. I changed my mind and decided to go. What would I bring to a Sportsball showdown? Brownies seemed like the kind of desserst appropriate for sportsball.

Construction

I got this recipe from my old lady cook book, so if you want it you should go buy a cook book from an old lady. Be sure to tell the old lady that you are going to veganize all the recipes in the cookbook. This will make her think you are cool as fuck, and she will probably want to adopt you.

I doubled the recipe because I thought it was too small. However, after I added the icing this shit was super rich, like fudge, so you may only need to make one. I don’t ever regret making too much, especially since I needed an extra large canvas for my art.

Check out the big ass brownie!

Check out the big ass brownie!

After letting this shit cool, you should add some fuckin’ shiny icing! This is the icing recipe I used. This can easily be made vegan by using a non-cow (or non-other animal milk), vegan butter, and vegan chocolate chips.

This icing was like motherfuckin’ fudge, which means it was amazing. However, many people complain about stuff being too sweet. To them I say, “Shut the fuck up! Also, you might try a lighter glaze or no icing at all.”

Look at all that beautiful fuckin' icing.

Look at all that beautiful fuckin’ icing.

After applying the icing, you need to let it sit for a bit. Then, you can ponder what you want to write on it. I knew I was going to say something about it being the Super Bowl, without actually saying Super Bowl. That’s when I decided I could cram together a bunch of different championship-type sportsball events. That is how “Sportsball World Tri-Series-Athon 2013!” was born.

The words didn’t really cover jackshit on the brownie, so I needed more. I really wanted to get a field goal on the true nature of sportsball. (Field goal was the right sportsball term, right?) I pondered on the true essence of sportsball for some time, like a couple of minutes, or something.

I had a shittacular idea! I would cram as many of the sportsballs on this brownie that I possibly could. I hope you can fuckin’ see because I don’t feel like telling you how I fucked up all the different sportsballs.

TitTip: Stick figures are really versatile and get to the point.

I am a motherfuckin' artist!

I am a motherfuckin’ artist!

Afterward

I posted the finished product on Facebook to share with my friends, and the people who attended my friend’s Sportsball World Tri-Series-Athon got to see and taste this.

The brownie  ended up being interpretative art. The big dick-like thing in the stick figure’s hand was meant to be a baseball bat, but I fucked up the colors and most people thought it was a sword. I was fine with this interpretation, since sportsball would be, not only bearable, but awesome with swords. Dragons too.

I thought it would be fun to make up a sportsball of my very own, which is what in the other hand of the figure. Many thought it was a fried egg, which would also make sportsball more interesting for me. Quick! Someone invent this new sportsball! I think everyone involved in this new sportsball would be a winner.

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