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Archive | May, 2017

Vegan Cream Cheese Icing 2 Ways

25 May

Are you sad because cream cheese icing isn’t vegan? Well, unfuck yourself and get happy because vegan cream cheese icing is not only possible but totally tits.

There are two ways to make this vegan shit. Each way is based on your level of laziness:

  1. For the Lazy Fuckers: There are less ingredients this way.
  2. For the Slightly Less Lazy Fuckers: Requires more ingredients and measuring, but it’s still pretty fuckin’ easy.
Use vegan cream cheese icing to write inspirational shit in perfect handwriting.

Use vegan cream cheese icing to write inspirational shit in perfect handwriting.

Way 1 – The Shit the Lazy Fuckers Will Need: 

  • 1/2 cup vegan butter, softened
  • 8 oz of vegan cream cheese, softened
  • 3-4 cups of powdered sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Way 2 – The Shit the Slightly Less Lazy Fuckers Will Need: 

  • 1 cup of vegan butter, softened
  • 3-4 cups of powdered sugar
  • 1-3 tablespoons of vegan milk
  • 1/2 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon of lemon juice
  • 1/4 teaspoon of salt

Making This Shit (Both Type of Fuckers):

  1. Cream the cream cheese and butter (or just butter, if you are a slightly less lazy fucker).
  2. Put the remaining ingredients in the fuckin’ bowl and mix that shit until it is smooth.

TitTips:

  • For both recipes, slowly add the powdered sugar to get the icing consistency you want. More powdered sugar = thicker icing.
  • For both recipes, add more milk if you make it too fuckin’ thick. You shouldn’t need milk if you are a lazy fucker, but just in case you fuck this shit up and somehow make it too thick…
I use Kite Hill, which is way better than any cream cheese shit made from milk meant for a baby cow.

I use Kite Hill, which is way better than any cream cheese shit made from milk meant for a baby cow.

Mix that shit.

Mix that shit.

So fuckin' smooth.

So fuckin’ smooth.

Put that shit on carrot cupcakes. Or a spoon. Or your finger.

Put that shit on carrot cupcakes. Or a spoon. Or your finger.

Watch and take pictures as your cat rudely steals your icing. No reason to stop him...

Watch and take pictures as your cat rudely steals your icing. No reason to stop him…

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Peanut Butter Bars In 6 Easy-As-Fuck Steps

11 May

<Insert long-ass story about these peanut butter bars curing my cockatoo’s cancer AND my grandfather’s erectile dysfunction.>

You are going to want to eat this fucktacular shit everyday damn day!

The Shit Needed:

  • 1 16oz jar of peanut butter (no added sugar or oil)
  • 1/4 cup liquid sweetener (maple syrup, agave, or I use VitaFiber)
  • 1/2 cup coconut flour
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 cup vegan chocolate chips (OR 1 cup of baking chocolate and 1/3 cup of sweetener to make this shit sugar-free)

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Mix 1 cup of peanut butter, the sweetener, vanilla, and the coconut flour until thoroughly combined.
  2. Press that shit in an 8×8 inch pan, preferably with some waxed paper so it comes out easy.
  3. Then put that shit in the fridge.
Bear is displeased with this pitiful offering.

Bear is displeased with this pitiful offering.

4. Now melt the chocolate chips, or baking chocolate and sweetener (I use xylitol) with the remaining peanut butter (about half a cup) until that shit is smooth.

Melt that shit!

Melt that shit!

Keep melting that shit!

Keep melting that shit!

You're not done yet, fucker!

You’re not done yet, fucker!

This shit still isn't smooth.

This shit still isn’t smooth.

It could be a little fuckin' smoother.

It could be a little fuckin’ smoother.

Not yet, shithead.

Not yet, shithead.

Now it's finally melted and smooth as fuck.

Now it’s finally melted and smooth as fuck.

5. Pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

Artfully pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

Artfully pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

6. Put that shit in the fridge for a couple of hours until it is set, and then cut that shit into squares.

A mother fuckin' tower of peanut butter bars!

A mother fuckin’ tower of peanut butter bars!

Tower of peanut butter bars to offer the sleeping cat.

Tower of peanut butter bars to offer the sleeping cat.

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