Advertisements
Tag Archives: Baked Goods

This Thanksgiving I’m Thankful for Dick (Cookies)

23 Nov

I’ve been making all sorts of new dishes, but it has been a while since I’ve decorated anything. The holiday season makes me feel all kinds of creative, especially with dick-shaped items.

The cookie blueprints are always the first step, as the ideas come to life when I draw them like a first-grader on paper.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

After you have baked and cooled your cocks you can start decorating them.

If you need some help with baking and forming the penis cookies, see a few tips from previous posts:

As you can see, the holidays are a great time to make and distribute some fucktacular cockies (cock + cookies = cockies).

Decorating one cockie at a time is hard, so I usually do one color across all the cockies at once.

One shitty color at a time.

One shitty color at a time.

Then, add a couple more colors.

This shit is almost done!

This shit is almost done!

The fuckin’ guests have arrived!

All the mother fuckin' guests have arrived.

All the mother fuckin’ guests have arrived.

Here’s the artist’s (that’s me!) interpretation of the first Thanksgiving. Yes, I do imagine everyone as a dick. Yes, even you.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin' hearts.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin’ hearts.

There’s No Turkey On The Table. What The Fuck? 

For a long time I suffered like most ‘Muricans and ate turkey every Thanksgiving. I say “suffered” because I thought turkey tasted like shit, but I had to eat some or I couldn’t have any cookies. When I became an adult, I ate turkey because (1) everyone else did, (2) I didn’t want to hurt the cook’s feelings, and (3) I didn’t think much about the food I was putting in my mouth and where it came from. I rewarded myself with cookies before and after completion of this fowl task. (Get it? Fowl = foul! Yes, I hate myself a lil’ bit for that pun, and even more for explaining that shit.)

I gave up eating animals when I went vegan, but I honestly still did not care about birds like I do mammals. It is hard to shake a fuckin’ unfounded hatred of birds (or anything) when you’ve had it most of your life.

To try and break from my speciesist ways, I watch Interweb videos of animals I don’t like too much being cute as fuck. I found the following video of a woman who rescues a couple of turkeys every Thanksgiving.

I’m glad my HOA doesn’t allow for farm animals or I’d be two turkeys away from crazy town.

Well, I do have four cats, so I’m already in crazy town.

Fuck.

__________

Advertisements

Christmas Cock Cookies

19 Dec

This year I thought it would be fucktacular to make festive Christmas cock cookies.

I mean, who doesn’t love The Cock?

Cock Cookie Construction

Pick a standard sugar cookie recipe and start cutting some dicks out of that dough. Remember: Tis’ the season, so make that shit festive. I made mine festive by giving the dongs lil’ Santa hats, but you can try something else by using your god-dammed imagination.

I gave these dicks lil' hats. Dicks love hats.

I gave these dicks lil’ hats. Dicks love hats.

Surprisingly, these dicks were very delicate. I thought dicks were supposed to be hard, but, I guess, they are acting hard because they are big softies and trying to hide this trait.

This dick was soft.

This dick was soft.

Finishing off Fun Sticks: Explosive Fun

After baking and letting the wangs fuckin’ cool, you can decorate the shit out of the life size flesh towers.

Don't forget the pubes!

Don’t forget the pubes!

After breaking a bunch of the trouser snakes, I managed to have 13 finished peckers with lil’ warm heads.

On the 13th day of Jeebus' birthday, my baker gave to me: 13 cock cookies wearing lil' Santa hats on their heads.

On the 13th day of Jeebus’ birthday, my baker gave to me: 13 cock cookies wearing lil’ Santa hats on their heads.

TitTip: Use the smallest schlong cookie cutter you can find, if you can find smaller dick cookie cutters. The smaller, sturdier schmeckels may be less likely to break than these long, big dicks. From the tip of the hat to the bottom of the balls, these dicks were about 10 inches, which makes for a pretty fuckin’ big cock cookie. After decorating them, most of the heavily iced balls would break off, unless I was very gentle with the wangs. (FYFI: I am not gentle with wangs.)

Merry fuckin’ Jeebus Day!

_________

Cake Doesn’t Give a Shit

11 Jun

He said unto the angel, “Thou should taste of this cake because it is fuckin’ delicious and gives no shits.”

The angel ate of the cake’s sweetness, and decreed the cake magnificent.

–  Justin 20:13

Background

Facebook is shittacular fun, right? I don’t have problems with Facebook, since it allows me to keep in contact with a lot of friends. However, I know a lot of people, who hate themselves, and keep “friends” on Facebook. Notice the quotes around friends. If I were speaking, those quotes would be air quotes.

Anywho, a good friend of mine asked me to make a sign that reads “Nobody gives a shit”, so he can hold it up to some bitch, who he believes posts extra annoying status updates on Facebook. I informed him that this is the year I express feelings with cakes, and ways to make this idea even more horrible immediately began to flow.

Idea Formation

From this idea, I found out I am a big fan of juxtaposition. (Please don’t ask me to pronounce that word. That is why I posted a link to a site that does the pronunciation for you, asshole.) I decided that rainbows paired with shit were as opposite as opposites gets, and developed this artwork in Microsoft Paint. All the greatest artists of our time use MS Paint.

It all begins with a simple idea that escalates to something fucktacular.

It all began with a simple idea that escalated to something fucktacular.
This will be on the wall of a museum one day.

I bet you didn’t think I knew how to art, but I can art the shit out of art.

This was my my first truly epic cake. However, I developed an unnatural fear with this cake: the fear of never being able to make a better cake than this cake. I instantly discounted this fear as twat-like and cowardly. I am like a fine, fuckin’ wine, and only get better with time.

Boxed Cakes: For the Fucktards of the Baking World

As a baker, box cakes are the bane of my existence. I’ve been asking people what their favorite kind of cake is, and a frequent answer is “Funfetti”. OMJesus! Could y’all be more uncreative? I have laid the world of desserts at your feet and you have chosen a simple, boxed cake that any asshole can make. Ugh.

With that being said, Funfetti was the perfect kind of cake to go with the rainbow-nobody-gives-a-shit-theme, since I didn’t give a shit about how tasty it would be. (FYI: I do weddings.)

Ingredients

  • 2 boxes of vegan cake mix, plus sprinkles
  • 1 Cute, friend, who draws the cutest shit on Earth
  • FuckTon of Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze (I will never use canned icing. That crap is disgusting.)
  • Food Colors of your choice (The perfect shit brown color is my special secret.)
  • Jelly Roll Pans
  • Parchment Paper (easier to get the cake out of the fuckin’ pans)
  • Powdered sugar (keeps your shitty cake less sticky)
  • Kitchen towels

Cake Development

First, you make the cake batter as indicated on the stupid box. Then, you can separate the batter into lots of different bowls and add some food coloring. I made six different colors, but do what you fuckin’ please.

So fuckin’ colorful!

Look at all the fuckin’ colors!

Next, start pouring the shitty batter into the parchment paper-lined jelly roll pans. If you are using the jelly roll pans, you don’t need to bake the cakes as long as indicated on the box. I think, I did about 10 minutes per mini layer.

Then, you can pull the baked layer out of the pan by the parchment paper, and flip that shit on a kitchen towel that you’ve pre-dusted with powdered sugar.

TitTip: Sometimes the layers may look funny (see picture below). That’s okay because you are going to cover it with icing and no one needs to know you fucked up.

Oops….looks like someone stuck their dick in there. TitTip: Don’t stick you dick in hot cake. Wait for it to cool.

Oops….looks like someone stuck their dick in there.
TitTip: Don’t stick you dick in hot cake, since that will burn your dick. Wait for it to cool and be a nice, warm cake.

Two mini layers of cake are about equal to one normal cake layer, so for every two mini layers of cake there’s one layer of icing. As always, do as you fuckin’ please. However, I’d respect you if you made six or more layers, or if you put icing between each mini layer. That would be a lot of god-damned icing, but I am a fan of icing and diabeetus.

Two layers of thin cake for every two layers of cake.

Holy shit! This must be what unicorns eat for breakfast.

You’ll need a lot of icing colors for this cake, so you can make a proper rainbow complete with shit. Add the icing and food coloring (separate bowl for each color), and then stir the shit out of it until the icing is the color you desire.

Fuckin’ colors!

Check out all the fuckin’ colors!

Then, decorate that shitty cake. Be sure to have your cute, shit-drawing friend handy. If you don’t have a shitty, cute friend, you probably won’t have cute shit. You’ll have nasty shit, and people will just vomit when they see your cake. I guess, vomiting cake-consumers are cool, if that’s what you are going for.

Beautiful fuckin’ art!

Beautiful fuckin’ art!

Eat That Shit

Now that you have properly documented your beautiful art, it is time to consume your art. There are a lot of layers, so be sure to do this shit properly.

Look at the colorful layers!

Look at all the fizzworthy layers!

Because we don’t give a shit, we ate this cake outdoors with our hands in our animal masks. Yes, there are a group of strange graduate students in the ‘Murrican Midwest that own life-like, latex animal masks. We don’t get many photo ops, but this seemed like the perfect opportunity for us to all wear our masks and devour a cake.

Ready to eat cake!

Best family portrait ever? Or bestest family portrait ever?

It turns out that boxed cake is an aphrodisiac. Who knew? Pair boxed cakes with creepy animal masks, and you have a new, unique porn. You are very welcome, World.

Eating cake inspires love and lots of sex. Mostly sex. Not a lot of love.

Eating cake inspires love and lots of sex. Mostly sex.
Also, this may the best collage in the history of the Interwebs.

Horses usually don’t give a shit. Therefore, a dude who wears a horse mask is a badass mother fucker who definitely doesn’t give a shit. Horse deserves his special place in the history of the Interwebs.

Badass motherfuckin’ Horse doesn’t give a shit. Too busy being a mother fuckin’ badass.

This badass mother fucker didn’t let the lack of plates stop him from getting to the cake. I guess, he’s too busy being a mother fuckin’ badass to give a shit.

Yo, badass mother fucker, you got a little something there…

Yo, badass mother fucker, you got a little something there…
Nevermind, keep wearing that shit with pride.

We couldn’t eat the cake with our masks on, so we had to take them off. Some of us couldn’t calm the fuck down, and starting jizzing and fizzing cake all over others’ faces. You would think this would be inappropriate behavior in a public place, but people were pretty cool with it, or just too scared to correct crazy people in animal masks.

We got a little crazy with the cake.

We ate the cake with our hands and got that shit all over our faces. We are fuckin’ classy like that.

In the end, no one wanted to eat the cute shit. However, there was a friend, who claimed she would show up to the Cake Eating Extravaganza, but didn’t. I cut the cute shit out of the cake for her and saved it. When I delivered it to her, I said, “I saved this shit for you, since you are a shitty friend.”

And we haven’t spoken since.

Not even crazy, fucked up people in animal masks wanted to eat shit.

Not even crazy, fucked up people in animal masks wanted to eat shit.

__________