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How to Make Carrots Unhealthy: Carrot Cupcakes

15 Jun

A cake made of carrots must be healthy as fuck, right? Wrong, asshole!

The Shit You Will Need:

  • 4 flax eggs (4 tablespoons of ground flaxseed and 1/2 cup of water)
  • 1 pound of carrots (get the colorful ones for shits n’ giggles)
  • 2 1/2 cup of flour (gluten-free flour works too)
  • 1 teaspoon each of baking powder and soda
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1 tablespoon of ground cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon each of ground nutmeg, cloves, and ginger
  • 1 cup of granulated sugar
  • 1 cup of light brown sugar
  • 3/4 cup of coconut oil, melted
  • 1 cup of chopped pecans or walnuts

How To Make This Shit:

  1. Make the flax eggs by mixing the flaxseed and water. Place in a fridge for a few minutes, and then mix again. Once it is thick, that shit is ready to go.
  2. Peel and shred the fuck out of the carrots.
Get the colorful carrots for shits n' giggles.

Get the colorful carrots for shits n’ giggles.

3. Combine the flour, baking soda and powder, salt, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and nutmeg.

4. Add the carrots you shredded the fuck out of to the flour.

Colorful shit here.

Colorful shit here.

5. In a food processor, or with a mixer, mix the sugars and flax eggs until that shit is light n’ frothy as fuck.

6. Slowly add the oil to the mixture, until it is combined.

7. Mix this shit in with the carrot-flour mixture, until combined.

8. Add the nuts (*giggles about nuts*), but only if you fuckin’ feel like it.

9. Fill cupcake tins about 3/4 full.

10. Bake for about 15-20 minutes. (Or 30-40 minutes for a 9-inch cake.) A toothpick should come out clean as fuck when inserted in the middle and they should be a lil’ brown.

This batter is fuckin' thick!

This batter is fuckin’ thick!

Mmmm...nuts.

Mmmm…nuts.

11. Add some vegan cream cheese icing. Tittip: For extra flavor you can add some ground cinnamon and ginger to the icing.

Pretend you know how to decorate cupcakes!

Pretend you know how to decorate cupcakes!

Mother Fuckin’ Memories:

One of the first cakes I made was a carrot cake:

This cake looks like shit, but it came from a good place: my fuckin' heart.

This cake looks like shit, but it came from a good place: my fuckin’ heart.

Now I have a better grasp of color contrast.

__________

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A Dick Under The Heel Is Worth Two By The Balls

10 Apr

Background

A smart, beautiful friend of mine has been a fan of my fucktacular baking for some time and my blogging since the beginning. She has put a lot of my shit in her mouth, but I haven’t had the chance to make something especially for her. A few months ago a mutual friend of ours sent me a picture of some high heel cupcakes, and said they would be great for our friend. She is a fancy lady who enjoys pretty shoes, so they would be perfect for her. However, I needed to put a twist on them that my friend would enjoy and would stay true to my baking style. My idea was quite natural, since my friend is a powerful lady that steps on dicks where ever she goes.

Dicktacular Cupcake Instructions

The four dicktacular steps:

  1. Make the dicks
  2. Make the mother fuckin’ cupcakes
  3. Gather cute shit
  4. Construct the fuckin’ fancy shoes

1. Make The Dicks

This is step #1 because this is why you are here. If I didn’t put this first you would just be screaming at your screen in anger: “WHERE ARE THE FUCKIN’ COCKS, YOU ASSHOLE BLOGGER!”

Be sure to locate the most realistic penii mold possible because no one wants to put a cartoon cock in their mouth. You can use melt dark, milk, and white chocolate for the penii. You’ll probably need to trim them a bit afterward.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

Make sure you make them all different colors, or your cupcakes will be boring, bland, and racist.

Colorful penii!

Colorful penii!

I’ll give my best fuckin’ friendship to whoever can make these cream-filled. And….GO!

2. Make The Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes

You can make this with your favorite cupcake recipe. Here are some suggestions: margarita cupcakes, mother fuckin’ cookie butter cupcakes, and potato chip and pretzel cupcakes.

Follow these easy steps, fuckhead:

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

2. Let that shit cool.

2. Let that shit cool.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Gather Cute Shit

I hope you looked at the high heel cupcakes made by others. That shit is cute, so I tried to make this shit cute too.

First, you should decide on your shank (FYFI: I discovered, with my Google-ing expertise, a shank is the part of the high heel shoe below the arch.) I made these shanks with white chocolate covered oval-shaped cookies.

TitTip: I would suggest using something graham crackers. Graham crackers would be light enough to hold ingredients, but not so heavy as to weigh down and fuck up some of the shoes.

Gather all the cutest decorating shit you can find. Sprinkles, candies, colored sugar, and maybe more dicks. Dicks can be cute, right?

4. Construct The Fuckin’ Shoes

These were the best instructions on how to construct the high heeled shoes that I could fuckin’ find. You’ll have to change them a bit to compensate for the cock, but who hasn’t had to do some compromising and compensate for a little bit of dick?

First, dig a spoon-sized hole in the backside of the cupcake. Be sure to eat what you dug out of the cupcake to optimize your chances of diabeetus. Next, insert your cookie in the hole at an angle. Then, get a little bit of melted chocolate, take a carefully measured and cut thick pretzels and put it between your shoe shank and a dick.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

Side dick view? Sure, if there is "side boob", why not side dick?

Side dick view! Sure, if there is “side boob”, why not “side dick”?

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Mother fuckin' close-ups!

Mother fuckin’ close-ups!

Get in real close. Don't be shy.

Get in real close. Don’t be shy.

The cupcakes arrived at their destination in pieces and broken. The cookies fell off the cupcakes and the heels slid off the cocks. I guess it’s safe to say these dicks had a rough ride. *winky face*

 __________

For Magnificent Cunts: Potato Chip and Pretzel Cupcakes

5 Dec

In a previous, shittacular post, I shared the recipe for Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing. Now, because I’m so fuckin’ nice, I’ll share a recipe for potato chip and pretzel cupcakes that pair well with that rooster sauce icing.

Ingredients:

  • 1 3/4 cup of flour (the all-purpose shit)
  • 1/2 cup of sugar
  • 1/2 cup of unsweetened coca powder
  • 1 teaspoon of baking soda
  • 1 cup vegan mayonnaise (no shitty Miracle Whip)
  • 3 large-ass flax eggs* (see note at the end of this shit)
  • 1 fuckin’ hot cup of water
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 1 bitchy teaspoon of vinegar
  • 1 or 2 cups of fucked-up pretzels and/or potato chips

How to Make This Shit

Mix the first four ingredients. Add everything else, except for the pretzels and potato chips, and mix that shit until it is pretty smooth. Add in the pretzel and/or chip crumbs and pieces.

Now you can have diabeetus AND high blood pressure! Huzzah!

Now you can have diabeetus AND high blood pressure! Huzzah!

Now this is where you have to make a mother fuckin’ decision: pretzels and/or potato chips?

FYFI: I tried both, separately. The handful of people who tried both types agreed the potato chip cupcakes were far superior. Some thought the pretzel cupcakes were fuckin’ disgusting. Other liked the pretzel cupcakes, but still preferred the potato chip cupcakes.

Once you have made a god-dammed decision, add in enough pretzels/potato chips to make the batter pretty lumpy. Use the fuckin’ picture I’ve provided for you above (top right corner) to determine if your’s is lumpy enough.

They look very similar, but the cupcakes on the left were delicious, while some accused the right of tasting like shit.

They look very similar, but the cupcakes on the left were delicious, while some accused the right of tasting like shit.

Grease your cupcake pans and bake that shit at 350 degree for about 15 minutes (mini-cupcakes) or 25 minutes (regular cupcakes), or until a toothpick inserted the middle comes out without any shit on it.

Once these little cunts cool off, you can top them with Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing and sprinkle some potato chips or pretzel crumbs on top.

Check out these little cunts!

Check out these little cunts!

TitTip: These cupcakes are not for the faint of heart, or lame of taste buds. Only try this shit if you are a magnificent cunt.

__________

*How to Make a Flax Egg:

  1. Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
  2. Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
  3. If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.

 __________

All Vaginas Are Created Equal, But Some Taste Better

26 Aug

Women’s Equality Day deserves pro-lady cupcakes! Where there are pro-lady vagina cupcakes there will most certainly be a Vagina Raptor to fizz all over the place.

A Salute to Lower Lady Bits

This special day made me realize I often put dicks on desserts and use a lot of words for male-parts when speaking or writing, which may make it seem like I like dude junk more than chick junk. Therefore, I would like to take a moment to salute great words for lower lady bits:

  • Beef Curtains
  • Pussy (my personal favorite)
  • Cunt (favorite Shakespearean word)
  • Snapper
  • Panty hamster
  • Flappers
  • VaJayJay
  • Hatchet wound (Ted Bundy would enjoy the violent imagery)
  • Baby shoot
  • Bearded oyster

I bet you had a great time reading these words, since I had a shittacular time making that list. If you aren’t familiar with one or more of the words try adding them to your vocabulary for this special day, the next week, or, if you want to be fucktacular, the rest of your life.

Pro-Pussy and Pro-Tit Cupcakes

Here is a sample of some of my pro-pussy work. Not only can ladies vote, but now they can have cupcakes made in the likeness of their fun bits.

Look at all the cunts!

Look at all the cunts!

Here are some close-ups. Yes, the bottom left is a pussy with teeth. The bottom right looks like a Beholder.

Here are some close-ups. Yes, the bottom left is a pussy with teeth. The bottom right looks like a Beholder.

Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about the titties.

Tits! Boobies! Fun Bags! Breasts!

Tits! Boobies! Fun Bags! Breasts!

If you take nothing else away from this post about this special day, please remember:

Cunts are people too, or rather, cunts are attached to fucktacular people.

Cunts are people too, or rather, cunts are attached to fucktacular people.

Vagina Raptor: A Mythy Legend 

You may have heard “Vagina Raptor” being used as a euphemism for a chick on her rag, but the origin of this euphemism comes from an actual creature with the body of a raptor and a head shaped like a vulva. If you ran into a Vagina Raptor, and she wasn’t munching on some vagina cupcakes, she was probably pretty fuckin’ pissed. Vagina cupcakes aren’t available everywhere, which is why she gets a bad reputation as a bitch.

Once a Vagina Raptor eats a pussy cupcake, she covers herself in this slippery substance and happily slips away.

A happy Vagina Raptor about to enjoy a vagina cupcake. This shit is about to get slippery.

A happy Vagina Raptor about to enjoy a vagina cupcake. This shit is about to get slippery.

There are some people who would insist that Vagina Raptor needs to shave her face or at least give it a little trim, but she is beautiful just the way Jeebus made her.

__________

Margarita Cupcakes: Just Add Viagra

1 Aug

A dear, sweet friend of mine requested margarita cupcakes for his birthday, and I’m all about delivering requested shit.

Recipe

I got the recipe from some baking blog that has the cutest, fuckin’ shit ever.

Veganize that shit: The recipe said to use a box cake. Ugh. Box cake? Fuck that shit. I used my own white cake recipe, which is vegan, duh. The lime frosting is easy to make vegan by substituting your favorite vegan cream cheese and butter.

I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.

I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.

What’s the best part about making margarita cupcakes?

Step 1: Make a meme Step 2: Take a shot!

Step 1: Make a meme
Step 2: Take a shot!

Pre-made margarita mix in the cupcakes and tequila in the glaze and lime cream cheese icing, so I knew this was my kind of recipe.

It's a well-known fact that you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.

It’s a well-known fact that while baking you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.

I usually don’t care to make my baked goods look cute, but I kept looking at this blog, and… in my moment of weakness… I gave into the cute propaganda. I didn’t do as good as the blog with the super cute shit, but these were a step-up from my normal cupcakes, which look fuckin’ shitty.

This shit is fuckin' cute.

This shit is fuckin’ cute.

TitTip: If there were one big thing I would change about this recipe it would be to NOT add the lime cream cheese icing. It wasn’t that great, but the lime-tequila glaze was AMAZING! The recipe suggests skipping the tequila in the glaze and just add water: MISTAKE!!! Do NOT do that! I skipped the water and added more tequila, which was a fucktacular choice.

Mmmm....taste the Viagra.

Mmmm….taste the Viagra.

Why Soft D?

“Soft D” is the nickname of the friend who requested these cupcakes. He didn’t get that nickname because he has erectile dysfunction. His real name is “Duy”, which is pronounced “Yee” (as in “Yee-Haw, Cunt!”). You don’t pronounce the “D” because the D is soft. Get it? *nudge, nudge*

Even though, his nickname isn’t about his dick……dicks are shittacular funny. I drew little Viagra pills and sad limp dicks on some of the cupcakes, which I felt added a certain level of class to the cupcakes.

Cram that soft D in your mouth. 

Cram that soft D in your mouth.

Penisaurus Rex showed up to the classy party for Soft D, and it was the bestest birthday party ever.

__________