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Tag Archives: baker

Mother Fuckin’ Confidence: How To Be An Expert Baker

14 Aug

Fuckin’ Background

For a class project my fellow students and I had to interview each other on our area of expertise. The other students insisted someone interview me for my baking skills, even though I insisted I wasn’t a fuckin’ expert. Eventually, all this talk gave me the confidence I needed to pretend I was an expert, so  I said “Fuck it,” and pretended to be an expert.

How Did This Shit Happen?

Everything went well while I made the shittacular cake. The small fuck-up happened after the cake was completely finished. I put the cake in a container and put it in the fridge, but when I took it out I peeled the layer of icing off the top. Shit.

Shit. The container was a wee bit too small for the diabeetus cake. 

Shit. The container was a wee bit too small for the diabeetus cake.

Holy shit! It looked pretty bad. Not only was there a big hunk of icing missing, there was also a big crack in the icing that looked pretty shitty.

Look at that shit!

Look at that shit!

I didn’t have anymore of the chocolate buttercream icing that I originally used for the cake, but I did have a small amount of strawberry icing in my freezer. I spread some of the strawberry icing on the cake, and no one noticed at all. Can you tell the difference? I sure as fuck can’t.

Best cover up or bestest cover up?

Best cover up or bestest cover up?

Just so no one would question the integrity of the cake, I put a special message on it.

No one questioned this shit. This is one legit-ass cake.

No one questioned this shit. This is one legit-ass cake.

FYFI: The only thing you need to be an expert baker is mother fuckin’ confidence. Everyone who ate the cake said, “This shit is so good! You have so much fuckin’ talent! And you are so pretty and fit!” Yes, that is a direct quote.

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A Dick Under The Heel Is Worth Two By The Balls

10 Apr

Background

A smart, beautiful friend of mine has been a fan of my fucktacular baking for some time and my blogging since the beginning. She has put a lot of my shit in her mouth, but I haven’t had the chance to make something especially for her. A few months ago a mutual friend of ours sent me a picture of some high heel cupcakes, and said they would be great for our friend. She is a fancy lady who enjoys pretty shoes, so they would be perfect for her. However, I needed to put a twist on them that my friend would enjoy and would stay true to my baking style. My idea was quite natural, since my friend is a powerful lady that steps on dicks where ever she goes.

Dicktacular Cupcake Instructions

The four dicktacular steps:

  1. Make the dicks
  2. Make the mother fuckin’ cupcakes
  3. Gather cute shit
  4. Construct the fuckin’ fancy shoes

1. Make The Dicks

This is step #1 because this is why you are here. If I didn’t put this first you would just be screaming at your screen in anger: “WHERE ARE THE FUCKIN’ COCKS, YOU ASSHOLE BLOGGER!”

Be sure to locate the most realistic penii mold possible because no one wants to put a cartoon cock in their mouth. You can use melt dark, milk, and white chocolate for the penii. You’ll probably need to trim them a bit afterward.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

Make sure you make them all different colors, or your cupcakes will be boring, bland, and racist.

Colorful penii!

Colorful penii!

I’ll give my best fuckin’ friendship to whoever can make these cream-filled. And….GO!

2. Make The Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes

You can make this with your favorite cupcake recipe. Here are some suggestions: margarita cupcakes, mother fuckin’ cookie butter cupcakes, and potato chip and pretzel cupcakes.

Follow these easy steps, fuckhead:

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

2. Let that shit cool.

2. Let that shit cool.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Gather Cute Shit

I hope you looked at the high heel cupcakes made by others. That shit is cute, so I tried to make this shit cute too.

First, you should decide on your shank (FYFI: I discovered, with my Google-ing expertise, a shank is the part of the high heel shoe below the arch.) I made these shanks with white chocolate covered oval-shaped cookies.

TitTip: I would suggest using something graham crackers. Graham crackers would be light enough to hold ingredients, but not so heavy as to weigh down and fuck up some of the shoes.

Gather all the cutest decorating shit you can find. Sprinkles, candies, colored sugar, and maybe more dicks. Dicks can be cute, right?

4. Construct The Fuckin’ Shoes

These were the best instructions on how to construct the high heeled shoes that I could fuckin’ find. You’ll have to change them a bit to compensate for the cock, but who hasn’t had to do some compromising and compensate for a little bit of dick?

First, dig a spoon-sized hole in the backside of the cupcake. Be sure to eat what you dug out of the cupcake to optimize your chances of diabeetus. Next, insert your cookie in the hole at an angle. Then, get a little bit of melted chocolate, take a carefully measured and cut thick pretzels and put it between your shoe shank and a dick.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

Side dick view? Sure, if there is "side boob", why not side dick?

Side dick view! Sure, if there is “side boob”, why not “side dick”?

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Mother fuckin' close-ups!

Mother fuckin’ close-ups!

Get in real close. Don't be shy.

Get in real close. Don’t be shy.

The cupcakes arrived at their destination in pieces and broken. The cookies fell off the cupcakes and the heels slid off the cocks. I guess it’s safe to say these dicks had a rough ride. *winky face*

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Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho! T’ Bakin’ Life Fer Me!

19 Sep

A’hoy, me hearties! Me day as a baker be long ‘n harrrd, but always ends in a vast treasure ‘o desserts. T’ bakin’ day begins wit’ me on a supply quest at a behemoth warehouse store.

What t' shit-barnacles, matey! That be a muckton o' bakin' supplies. Seven pounds o' sugar and Cris'o!

What t’ shit-barnacles, matey! That be a muckton o’ bakin’ supplies. Seven pounds o’ sugar and Cris’o!

Once I return to me home port, I search through me current supplies ‘n spy wit’ me one jolly ol’ eye what gunna be of use to me.

Side Tale: I lost t’ other eye in a sword fight wit’ a rival baker! That picaroon  tried to hornswaggle me out ‘o t’ best chocolate chips ‘o t’ seven seas, n’ thar be a huge bounty on that wench’s head. T’ sea wench be tough, but I only lost t’ eye n’ she went below wit’ her boat n’ crew to Davy Jones’ locker! I be no swashbuckler, but I be knowin’ me way ’round a sword. I salute that sea wench ‘n me right eye by pourin’ me some spiced grog ‘n drinkin’ five tankards every year on t’ anniversary ‘o t’ event.

Me freezer be filled wit’ icin’, dough, ‘n cakes. Thar always be rum ‘n spirits in t’ freezer. I drink a few tankards ‘o t’ spiced rum before I start me bakin’. I love spiced grog!

Drinkin' spiced grog be harrrd work, but that be t' bakin' pirate's scurvy life.

Drinkin’ spiced grog be harrrd work, but that be t’ bakin’ pirate’s scurvy life.

At t’ end ‘o me bakin’ day, I fill a chest wit’ baked goods. No doubloons in ’tis chest! Some would consider t’ cookies a more lovely booty, since doubloons be not a real currency now ‘o days.

Look at t' amazin' booty! No, sea hag gunna have any 'o 'tis.

Look at t’ amazin’ booty! No, sea hag gunna have any ‘o ’tis.

On most days, a wild strumpet be comin’ around me treasure ‘n asked to take a look, but me ‘n me friend, Ol’ Peg-Leg McGee , along wit’ his trusty parrot came ‘n made that harlot eat shit-barnacles. (FYFI: Shit-barnacles no be tastin’ jolly, but be a cure fer hangovers.)

Be Needin’ Help ‘n Shoutin’ Like a Scurvy Pirate? 

I used a couple ‘o different scurvy pirate translators ‘n pages to help me shout like a pirate n’ not a sea hag or a wee lass! Check ’em out:

  1. Post Like a Pirate:  I had a jolly hour wit’ this translator. It be tryin’ to change “cat” to “sea monster”, “cunt” to “lady part”, ‘n “bitch” to “scallywag”. Harrharr!
  2. A Pirate’s Glossary of Terms: It lists a bounty ‘o wonderful scurvy pirate terms.
  3. Talk Like a Pirate Day: News fer Speak Like a Scurvy Pirate Day.
  4. Causin’ a Ruckas: Other people causin’ a ruckas wit’ ’tis fine day.
  5. Awilda: A scurvy lady pirate, ‘n me favorite wench. Cap’n Rusted Hook ain’t got nothin’ on ’tis lass. T’ more ye be knowin’!

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Pussy and Cakes: My Badass Life as a Baker

11 Jul

The Interwebs already loves cats and diabeetus. I happen to be in a great position to satisfy the needs of the Interwebs, since I enjoy baking and I have a few cats.

Here are a few things I’ve noticed about cats and baking:

1. Cats don’t give a flying fuck about baking. 

Unless you are making a cake composed of yarn, cat nip, and ribbons, cats couldn’t give any less fucks about baking.

This is Stinky, and she doesn't give a fuck about mini cupcakes.

This is Stinky, and she doesn’t give a fuck about mini cupcakes.

2. Cats are great at passing judgement on a horrible confection.

I tried to make some diabeetus-free fudge for my father, but it turned out to be super disgusting. It may have been the worst thing I’ve ever made. The cats were sure to let me know with disapproving stares, turned backs, and gazes that scream “WTF”.

All the cats came out to tell me that I'm a failure as a baker. I'm glad I always have their support.

All the cats came out to tell me I’m a failure as a baker. I’m glad I always have their support.

3. Cats will want your undying attention while you are baking.

Of course, as soon as you give them your attention they will immediately run off and take a nap. Cats are cunty like that.

Bear was trying to get my attention while I was making an ice cream cake, I told her to fuck off, and she retaliated.

Bear was trying to get my attention while I was making an ice cream cake, I told her to fuck off, and she retaliated.

4. Even through all their cuntiness, cats are inspirations to baking.

All that cunty behavior gets me in the mood to bake something fucktacularly creative.

Seriously, there is cat fur in everything I make.

Seriously, there is cat fur in everything I make.

5. Cats provide the secret ingredient willingly.

Everyone had a good laugh at the previous cake’s message, but there’s always a bit of truth in every good joke.

Too much fur in your cupcakes and everyone would catch on to their game. Cats are sly lil' fuckers. 

Too much fur in the cupcake and people would catch on to their game. Cats are sly, lil’ fuckers.

Side Note: I can very easily tell which cat’s fur I’ve  just pulled from my mouth. After I find the culprit, I walk over to the cat, present the fur to them, we knowingly smile at each other, and part ways.

Take Away Message for Fellow Bakers

If you are a baker, you better have a cat or four. If you don’t have a cat, your baking probably sucks.

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