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Tag Archives: New Year’s Eve

Keep a Fuckin’ Resolution in 2014

2 Jan

Similar to a lot of people, I drank a lot last year on New Year’s Eve, which resulted in events on this cake. This year I resolved that the same thing would not happen, so I wrote it on a cookie cake and brought it with me to my party destination.

I was really hoping the party would be filled with familiar faces, so I could have puked in front of people I knew.

I was really hoping the party would be filled with familiar faces, so I could have puked in front of people I knew.

My favorite part of this cookie cake: The shittily overdone decorations.

FYFI: I started off trying to make this look genuinely fucktacular, but failed, obviously. The lesson: If you start decorating a cake without a plan your cake will probably look like a clumsy penisaurus rex decorated it. <INSERT JOKE ABOUT THE TIP. Because cake decorating involves tips and a cock has a tip. Get it?>

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Hey, cunts, check out some more cookie cakes I’ve made:

  1. Instructions to construct a dicktacular cookie cake that will give your friends diabeetus.
  2. Make a cookie cake for ‘MURICA!
  3. Divorced? Celebrate with a cookie cake.

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Carrot Cake for the Drunken Hearted

31 May

Background

So there I was, drunk off my ass at a friend’s house on New Year’s Eve, when suddenly, I had to puke. Someone was in the bathroom, and it was way too fuckin’ cold outside to even consider puking in the dark away from judgmental eyes. I puked in the only place that made any God-damned sense: the kitchen sink in front of a bunch of strangers. After that I was carried to an empty bedroom where I promptly puked in a trashcan handed to me by the owner of this lovely cake.

I don’t make a habit out of this super classy behavior, but I did think this friend was super cool about my awesome behavior. Although, in his defense, he was totally wasted too. I’m not really sure if that is defending him or not.

Always Thoughtful

This friend said he didn’t like cake. Who the fuck doesn’t like delicious cake? The answer: a soulless jackoff. I picked carrot cake for him, since he likes to walk around our workplace eating giant fuckin’ carrots. I know, only someone as fuckin’ thoughtful as me could come up with this shit.

The Cake

Look at that carrot fortress guarding that carrot cake of motherfuckin’ solitude!

Look at that carrot fortress guarding that carrot cake of motherfuckin’ solitude!

Here’s the completed product. Pretty fuckin’ amazing, right?

Here’s the completed product. Pretty fuckin’ amazing, right?

Note: Yes, I know this shit is hard to read. This was my first month of trying to write fuckin’ messages on cakes, so the green was a little too light. I don’t see you apologizing to people about your cunty behavior with a delicious, thoughtful dessert. You should be fuckin’ ashamed of your judgy self. Go die in a fire!

Recipe and Construction

Some people said this was the best carrot cake they ever had. How fuckin’ flattering. Check out the recipe.

I hand shredded all the fuckin’ carrots in this recipe by myself. That was probably over ambitious of me, but I think that helped in making it fuckin’ amazing and super moist.

The recipe didn’t call for a fortress of carrots, so you can figure out how many of those fuckers you need to put around the cake yourself. Seriously, don’t worry about leftover carrots. If you have leftover carrots you should probably eat them, Fatty.

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