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Archive | August, 2013

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For DIABEETUS!

29 Aug

Don’t let the fact that ice cream cake is the leading cause of diabeetus stop you from making one. There is an upside: the maker of the ice cream cake has a 90% chance of getting laid. FYFI: The previous claim is still in the experimental phase. The ice cream cakes I’ve made haven’t gotten me laid, but I know it has to work. *crosses fingers*

Is taking advantage of someone in a diabetic coma similar to taking advantage of a drunk person? No. This needs no further ethical consideration.

Ice cream cakes are fuckin’ easy to make. Try it yourself with these 8 easy steps.

Ice Cream Cake Construction

  1. Bake your cake of choice and let that shit cool completely.
  2. Wrap that shit up tight and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours.
  3. Take out your ice cream (Coconut based ice creams are fuckin’ fantastic!) and let it melt at room temperature, for about 30 minutes. You don’t want it to be liquid, just a bit squishy.
  4. Put some waxed paper in the same pan you used to make the cake. Then, press the ice cream all around to fill the pan.
  5. Cover your ice cream and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours. No less than 8 hours, or you’ll fuck this shit up!
  6. Then, take your cake and ice cream out of the freezer and layer it how you want.
  7. Use Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze around the edges and between the layers, and you probably have a mess to clean up later.
  8. Now think of something very sentimental to write on your shittastic cake.
cakes

Ice cream cake is fucktacular!

I made this cake for a couple of friends, who were having a combined birthday party. One friend requested an ice cream cake and the other requested Funfetti. Ugh, I hate Funfetti! I decided to make a Funfetti ice cream cake for them, so they were each getting half a cake.

Veganize that shit: Funfetti isn’t vegan, but you can choose your favorite white vegan cake recipe and add about a cup of sprinkles and have a much better end product. Unless you fuck that shit up.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends. Possibly get laid?

The cake and ice cream combinations of ice cream cakes are endless. I’ve made triple chocolate, green tea, and a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. Take my well-founded advice: Don’t be a pussy and try something new!

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All Vaginas Are Created Equal, But Some Taste Better

26 Aug

Women’s Equality Day deserves pro-lady cupcakes! Where there are pro-lady vagina cupcakes there will most certainly be a Vagina Raptor to fizz all over the place.

A Salute to Lower Lady Bits

This special day made me realize I often put dicks on desserts and use a lot of words for male-parts when speaking or writing, which may make it seem like I like dude junk more than chick junk. Therefore, I would like to take a moment to salute great words for lower lady bits:

  • Beef Curtains
  • Pussy (my personal favorite)
  • Cunt (favorite Shakespearean word)
  • Snapper
  • Panty hamster
  • Flappers
  • VaJayJay
  • Hatchet wound (Ted Bundy would enjoy the violent imagery)
  • Baby shoot
  • Bearded oyster

I bet you had a great time reading these words, since I had a shittacular time making that list. If you aren’t familiar with one or more of the words try adding them to your vocabulary for this special day, the next week, or, if you want to be fucktacular, the rest of your life.

Pro-Pussy and Pro-Tit Cupcakes

Here is a sample of some of my pro-pussy work. Not only can ladies vote, but now they can have cupcakes made in the likeness of their fun bits.

Look at all the cunts!

Look at all the cunts!

Here are some close-ups. Yes, the bottom left is a pussy with teeth. The bottom right looks like a Beholder.

Here are some close-ups. Yes, the bottom left is a pussy with teeth. The bottom right looks like a Beholder.

Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about the titties.

Tits! Boobies! Fun Bags! Breasts!

Tits! Boobies! Fun Bags! Breasts!

If you take nothing else away from this post about this special day, please remember:

Cunts are people too, or rather, cunts are attached to fucktacular people.

Cunts are people too, or rather, cunts are attached to fucktacular people.

Vagina Raptor: A Mythy Legend 

You may have heard “Vagina Raptor” being used as a euphemism for a chick on her rag, but the origin of this euphemism comes from an actual creature with the body of a raptor and a head shaped like a vulva. If you ran into a Vagina Raptor, and she wasn’t munching on some vagina cupcakes, she was probably pretty fuckin’ pissed. Vagina cupcakes aren’t available everywhere, which is why she gets a bad reputation as a bitch.

Once a Vagina Raptor eats a pussy cupcake, she covers herself in this slippery substance and happily slips away.

A happy Vagina Raptor about to enjoy a vagina cupcake. This shit is about to get slippery.

A happy Vagina Raptor about to enjoy a vagina cupcake. This shit is about to get slippery.

There are some people who would insist that Vagina Raptor needs to shave her face or at least give it a little trim, but she is beautiful just the way Jeebus made her.

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Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing: Fuckin’ Mouth Heaven

22 Aug

Do you heart Sriracha Sauce? Are you always looking for new uses or recipes for your Rooster Sauce? Well, look no further! You too can use this shittastic sauce to make a unique cream cheese icing.

Ingredients

  • 1 8oz package of vegan cream cheese, softened, like a non-erect penis
  • 1 stick o’ vegan butter, softened, like a non-erect penis (Obviously, I don’t have many good baking descriptions in my repertoire.)
  • Fuckton of powdered sugar (4 cups)
  • Sriracha Sauce, to your own fuckin’ distinguished taste

Recipe

First, mix the first two ingredients until that shit is fluffy.

Fluff that shit.

Fluff that shit.

Then, mix in the powdered sugar and the Sriracha Sauce. You can see this in the pictures I have so kindly provided for you, cocksucker.

Check out the food porn.

Check out the food porn.

Add powdered sugar and Rooster Sauce until you have your desired consistency and spice. Only add a couple of teaspoons of the Rooster Sauce, if you’re a pussy. If you aren’t a pussy, try a few tablespoons.

You can't add "too much" Sriracha Sauce in this, so go fuckin' crazy.

You can’t add “too much” Sriracha Sauce in this, so go fuckin’ crazy.

What Do I Put This Shittastic Icing On?

Some people think Sriracha sauce goes on everything, which is true. However, the Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing doesn’t go with everything.

A lot of people mix Sriracha into dishes with lime juice (ex: various Asian dishes like pho), so I thought it would be good on some lime cupcakes. MISTAKE! That shit was nasty.

Someone suggested a chocolate cake, which was pretty good, but the best pairing was with some chocolate potato chip cupcakes I made. (I might post that recipe one day.) The key is picking a dessert that isn’t too sweet.

Sriracha cream cheese icing on a chocolate potato chip cupcake, bitches.

Sriracha cream cheese icing on a chocolate potato chip cupcake, bitches.

Or you can just eat the icing by itself, since my motto for good icings is “put that shit in your mouth”.

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Cake Violence: The Most Delicious Violence

15 Aug

Background

A friend took care of my cats while I was away for a week, so I decided to make him a special cake. Somehow writing “Thanks for taking care of my pussies!” just didn’t seem like enough.

I remembered that my friend likes birds and ….well. The rest of the story doesn’t make sense, but this shit is fuckin’ art, so it doesn’t have to make sense.

Cake Formation

I had these cute animal pans that I thought would be perfect for this cake. I filled them up with generic cake batter and baked the little fuckers.

TitTip: If you wrap foil on the bottom of uneven pans, it won’t tip over and you’ll have even cake animals. LFMF.

If I threw away the animals before decorating them, would it be called an abortion?

If I threw away the animals before decorating them, would it be called an abortion?

After I baked the lil’ fuckers, it was time to decorate them so they would resemble their real-world animal counterparts.

Fuckers. Every last one of them. Especially, you, Butterfly!

Fuckers. Every last one of them. Especially, you, Butterfly!

I decided to develop a fight scene. I wanted the chicken to win due to my friend’s affinity of birds. (FYI: I hate birds. They are cunty and The Devil.)

After spending a lot of time making this shit look nice, I had to cut it up because chickens are violent assholes. The chicken could have just made all the animals bleed a little, but that douche nozzle took it too far. To demonstrate what chickens (and all birds) are capable of, I cut off whole body parts and threw them around in the cake pan.

I made some red glaze and let it puddle around the biggest injuries. Originally, that was going to be the end, but it didn’t feel right.

Pretty good, but it could use more gore.

Pretty good, but it could use more gore.

I wanted the carnage to look more life-like, so I rolled little bits of cake around in the red food coloring, which made it look like guts and dried blood. Then, I haphazardly threw and smeared the bits around in the pan. It was fun. I bet that’s what it feels like to be a serial killer.

A beautifully violent masterpiece!

A beautifully violent masterpiece!

Look at Chicken. He looks like a smug dick. Chicken says, “I don’t just win, I fuckin’ massacre me some bitches.”

I’m pretty fuckin’ proud of this cake, so I have some close-ups to share.

Looks like an episode of CSI, except better because CSI is lame.

Looks like an episode of CSI, except better because CSI is lame.

Enough to make r/gore proud.

Enough to make r/gore proud.

I discovered a new type of violence: cake violence. It’s not as vicious as real-life violence, but tastier than cartoon violence. Cake violence is the best kind of violence.

My kitchen looked like a delicious crime scene.

Blood tastes so sweet. I mean, cake. Cake and blood-like decorations taste so sweet.

Blood tastes so sweet. I mean, cake. Cake and blood-like decorations taste so sweet.

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The Horse Says “Neigh, Mother Fucker!”

8 Aug

Background

Sometimes I make cakes that make outsiders say, “Wut da fuk? Do you even cake, bro?” Yes, I can cake the cake out of cakes. Also, I think about cakes A LOT, and sometimes I start planning them months in advance. This cake was developed from an office prank, which happened months before the cake as made.

One particular friend, who enjoys the ERMAHGERD language and ponies (actually, he likes to wear a horse head mask, but close enough), said there wasn’t enough pranking happening in our department. Then, he left for three months on an internship, which gave me plenty of time to wrap up his office space.

I wrapped the shit out of everything in his office space: cords, books, chair, and a trash can.

I wrapped the shit out of everything in his office space: cords, books, chair, and a trash can.

This friend was defending his dissertation a few months after he came back from his internship, so I decided to make him relive this wonderful moment in his life in cake-form.

Ingredients

  • Shittastic cake recipe (don’t use a boxed cake, asshole) (TitTip: White cakes are the easiest to color)
  • Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • Food coloring (I had pink and an aqua green color to match the prank)
  • A pan that matches your friend’s personality (Hopefully, your friend doesn’t have a neigh-ative personality.)
  • Cake decorations (candy flowers made this shit festive)
  • Non-Cake decorations (I used the plastic ponies from the first prank. They aren’t edible, but they gave the cake a certain majesty.)

Recipe

First, mix your cake. If you want to color the cake, you can divide up the batter and mix in the food coloring. Then, you swirl that shit about in your pan(s) of choice.

Look at all the thoughtful, fuckin' work I did.

Look at all the thoughtful, fuckin’ work I did.

As you can see, I fucked up the pony head by ripping its face off, not just once, but twice. Sometimes fuckin’ shit up is okay. I used my first mistake as a text bubble for the pony.

TitTip: If you don’t want to rip the face off the pony, just let that shit cool completely. I am very impatient and I ain’t got time to wait for cakes to cool.

Then, it was time to decorate the shit out of the cake!

1, 2, 3, I am fuckin' talented! Don't worry, folks, no self-esteem problems here.

1, 2, 3, I am fuckin’ talented!
Don’t worry, folks, no self-esteem problems here.

Look at my pony! I’m am a mother fuckin’, self-taught, cake decorating expert!

Finally, I had to think of something good to put in the speech bubble. This was for my friend’s dissertation defense, and I wouldn’t know if he passed or not, until after I made the cake. I didn’t want to look silly by saying “Congratulations!” and he fail. Also, pass or fail, he tried really hard. (Ask anyone who has a PhD if trying on your dissertation means anything. It doesn’t. You either passed and got your PhD or you didn’t.)

Another titbit, in the original office prank, there was a picture frame containing a picture of me and a couple of other fucktacular people on his desk that said “Forever Friends”. From that moment in time to forever we were solidified as “Forever friends”.

Done, bitches.

ERMAHGERD! CERK!

A few people complained and said they didn’t understand the message. Well, the message wasn’t for you, assholes. Next time I make a pony, it will just say “Neigh, Mother Fucker!” Then, everyone can tell me how clever I am.

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