Advertisements
Tag Archives: Sugar Cookies

Inauguration Day 2017: Grab Some Pussy

19 Jan

Several (million) US citizens have been feeling powerless over our next president, but I suggest grabbing your power back by grabbing some pussy in a very dissimilar way to what our soon-to-be-president advises. How can you grab your power back? By making pussy cookies and grabbing them, of course! Devouring the Trump cat cookies will give you magical pussy grabbing abilities.

Use these easy to follow steps to construct your Trump pussy cookies:

  1. Follow the best damn sugar cookies recipe, which is vegan, gluten-free, and sturdy as fuck.
  2. Arrange your pussy cookie cutters for no other reason than to incite jealousy in one of your faithful feline companions.
Neglecting a cat to make cat cookies. He's probably going to kill me in my fuckin' sleeping, while purring the entire time.

Neglecting a cat to make cat cookies. He’s probably going to kill me in my fuckin’ sleeping, while purring the entire time.

3. Roll out that dough on some waxed paper and cut out some pussies.

Making pussy, so I can grab it!

Making pussy, so I can grab it!

4. Grab those pussies shapes up and slap them down on a pan with parchment paper. Bonus Pussy Grabbing Points: elicit disapproving stares from another feline companion.

Bonus Pussy Grabbing Points: elicit disapproving stares from another feline companion.

Bonus Pussy Grabbing Points: elicit disapproving stares from another feline companion.

5. Bake the pussy cookies, and let that shit cool.

6. Make your favorite pussy colors in incing form.

A rainbow of pussy colors!

A rainbow of pussy colors!

7. Decorate your pussies. I even gave mine horrible Trump wigs.

These cats are very shiny and bright, which is the exact opposite of the future of the USA.

These cats are very shiny and bright, which is the exact opposite of the future of the USA.

8. If you made way too much icing, like I always do, put that shit in your compost. Or you can eat it, fatty.

Delicious, diabetes-filled compost.

Delicious, diabetes-filled compost.

9. Let the pussies dry for a few hours to overnight. The icing will harden and get less shiny.

Imagine these pussies climbing a giant border wall.

Imagine these pussies climbing a giant border wall.

Originally, I wanted to make all different color cats: brown tabbies, black cats, grey cats. However, I made the orange tabbies, and they seem fuckin’ purrfect for Trump cats. They are orange and look like they used some splotchy spray tan, just like the president-elect.

Pussy cookie or US president?

Pussy cookie or US president?

Advertisements

The Best Damn Sugar Cookies: Sturdy, Vegan, and Gluten-Free

22 Dec

I have made a fuckton of cookies of different shapes and sizes. The most common shape and size are large dicks, but don’t take my word for it. Here they are for your viewing pleasure:

All these wonderful cookies were made from a random recipe I found on the Interwebs. I have made the recipe even more fucktacular over the years, and I will now share it with you because you deserve a tasty cookie full of diabetes.

__________

The shit you’ll need for the cookie:

  • 1 cup of vegan butter (I use soy-free Earth Balance.)
  • 1 cup of organic granulated sugar
  • 2 flax eggs* or Vegan Eggs
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla
  • 3 cups of gluten-free flour blend (I use mother fuckin’ Pamela’s.)
  • 3/4 teaspoon of Xanthan Gum
  • 2 teaspoons of baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon of salt

The shit you’ll need for the icing:

  • 1 cup of organic powdered sugar
  • 2 teaspoons of water
  • 2 teaspoons of clear syrup (I use this shit.)
  • 1/4 teaspoon of almond extract
  • Food coloring of your choice

Make some fuckin’ cookies:

    1. In a large mixing bowl, cream the fuck out of the butter and sugar.
    2. Make the vegan or flax eggs. If using the Vegan Eggs, prepare it according to the package. Use the following instructions to make flax eggs:
      • Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
      • Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
      • If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.
      • This make 1 egg equivalent, so you’ll need twice this much for this recipe.
    3. Beat in the vegan (or flax) eggs and vanilla.
    4. Mix in the xanthan gum, baking powder, and salt.
    5. Then, slowly mix in the flour. If you mix more than a cup at a time that shit will go all over your kitchen.
    6. Chill that shit in the fridge, overnight. (Plan ahead, bitch.)
    7. When ready to bake, preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
    8. Roll out the dough and cut into your desired shapes. I prefer dicks, but you can pick whatever lame shape you want. Probably hearts or some other dumb shit.
    9. Place the shapes on the pan about an inch or two apart and bake for 10-15 minutes or until they are lightly golden.
    10. Be sure this shit is completely cool before you try to apply the fuckin’ icing.
Vegan eggs on the left and flax eggs on the right. This shit looks pretty gross, but tastes pretty fuckin' good.

Vegan eggs on the left and flax eggs on the right. This shit looks pretty gross, but tastes pretty fuckin’ good.

The dough labeled "Fuck" is with flax eggs and the dough that is not labeled "Fuck" is with vegan eggs.

The dough labeled “Fuck” is with flax eggs and the dough that is not labeled “Fuck” is with vegan eggs.

Here's a fuckton of cookies I've made.

Here’s a fuckton of cookies I’ve made.

How to make the icing:

      1. Stir the powdered sugar and water together until it is smooth as fuck.
      2. Add your clear syrup and almond extract. Mix until it is glossy. If the icing is too thick add more syrup.
      3. Divide your icing into bowls and mix in the food coloring. You can dip the cookies or write on them.
      4. This shit will dry out quickly, so use it fast or cover with a moist cloth to keep from drying out.
Here's some shit I've decorated. Yes, I even made cookies that weren't penis shaped for a 2 year old's Paw Patrol birthday party. I still don't know what the shit "Paw Patrol" is.

Here’s some shit I’ve decorated. Yes, I even made cookies that weren’t penis shaped for a 2 year old’s Paw Patrol birthday party. I still don’t know what the shit “Paw Patrol” is.

__________

This Thanksgiving I’m Thankful for Dick (Cookies)

23 Nov

I’ve been making all sorts of new dishes, but it has been a while since I’ve decorated anything. The holiday season makes me feel all kinds of creative, especially with dick-shaped items.

The cookie blueprints are always the first step, as the ideas come to life when I draw them like a first-grader on paper.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

After you have baked and cooled your cocks you can start decorating them.

If you need some help with baking and forming the penis cookies, see a few tips from previous posts:

As you can see, the holidays are a great time to make and distribute some fucktacular cockies (cock + cookies = cockies).

Decorating one cockie at a time is hard, so I usually do one color across all the cockies at once.

One shitty color at a time.

One shitty color at a time.

Then, add a couple more colors.

This shit is almost done!

This shit is almost done!

The fuckin’ guests have arrived!

All the mother fuckin' guests have arrived.

All the mother fuckin’ guests have arrived.

Here’s the artist’s (that’s me!) interpretation of the first Thanksgiving. Yes, I do imagine everyone as a dick. Yes, even you.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin' hearts.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin’ hearts.

There’s No Turkey On The Table. What The Fuck? 

For a long time I suffered like most ‘Muricans and ate turkey every Thanksgiving. I say “suffered” because I thought turkey tasted like shit, but I had to eat some or I couldn’t have any cookies. When I became an adult, I ate turkey because (1) everyone else did, (2) I didn’t want to hurt the cook’s feelings, and (3) I didn’t think much about the food I was putting in my mouth and where it came from. I rewarded myself with cookies before and after completion of this fowl task. (Get it? Fowl = foul! Yes, I hate myself a lil’ bit for that pun, and even more for explaining that shit.)

I gave up eating animals when I went vegan, but I honestly still did not care about birds like I do mammals. It is hard to shake a fuckin’ unfounded hatred of birds (or anything) when you’ve had it most of your life.

To try and break from my speciesist ways, I watch Interweb videos of animals I don’t like too much being cute as fuck. I found the following video of a woman who rescues a couple of turkeys every Thanksgiving.

I’m glad my HOA doesn’t allow for farm animals or I’d be two turkeys away from crazy town.

Well, I do have four cats, so I’m already in crazy town.

Fuck.

__________

Dicktacular Holiday Cock Cookies

23 Dec

Last Jeebus Day my friends and family enjoyed festive Christmas Cock Cookies. I can’t do the same thing every year, but dicks are always in demand.

Erect Your Own Cock Cookies

It’s fuckin’ important to sketch out your ideas first. The best way is to grab and firmly grasp your phallic cookie cutter and trace a shitload of peckers on some paper.

If you are a creative bitch, like me, you will ejaculate ideas on the paper.

Check out Santa's Oh face.

Check out Santa’s Oh face.

I was pretty fuckin’ impressed with myself, so I went ahead and baked up some boomsticks and started decorating that shit.

Happy lil' fuck sticks.

Happy lil’ fuck sticks.

The icing I used dries up pretty quickly, so it’s best to do one color at a time.

The antlers make the balls look pretty tasty.

The antlers make the balls look pretty tasty.

I am so Jeebus-damned talented.

Here's Frosty keeping his balls nice and toasty.

Here’s Frosty keeping his balls nice and toasty.

I’m pretty happy with how these lil’ cocks turned out. The last couple of times I’ve made wang-shaped cookies they fell apart, but these dicks stayed hard.

These cum guns are fully loaded.

These cum guns are fully loaded.

What other designs could you come up with? Dick-shaped elves?

Oh, Christmas Dick tree. Oh, Christmas Dick tree. How lovely are your balls!

Oh, Christmas Dick tree. Oh, Christmas Dick tree. How lovely are your balls!

A bell with two balls? Maybe you could just make a penis and tie a festive bow around it?

Here's Rudolph the red-nosed reindick.

Here’s Rudolph the red-nosed reindick.

An awkwardly shaped dreidel? You could cover the tip of the penis with a nicely wrapped box and have dick in the box cookies!

This cock is totally circumcised.

This cock is totally circumcised.

The fucktacular possibilities are endless!

__________

Christmas Cock Cookies

19 Dec

This year I thought it would be fucktacular to make festive Christmas cock cookies.

I mean, who doesn’t love The Cock?

Cock Cookie Construction

Pick a standard sugar cookie recipe and start cutting some dicks out of that dough. Remember: Tis’ the season, so make that shit festive. I made mine festive by giving the dongs lil’ Santa hats, but you can try something else by using your god-dammed imagination.

I gave these dicks lil' hats. Dicks love hats.

I gave these dicks lil’ hats. Dicks love hats.

Surprisingly, these dicks were very delicate. I thought dicks were supposed to be hard, but, I guess, they are acting hard because they are big softies and trying to hide this trait.

This dick was soft.

This dick was soft.

Finishing off Fun Sticks: Explosive Fun

After baking and letting the wangs fuckin’ cool, you can decorate the shit out of the life size flesh towers.

Don't forget the pubes!

Don’t forget the pubes!

After breaking a bunch of the trouser snakes, I managed to have 13 finished peckers with lil’ warm heads.

On the 13th day of Jeebus' birthday, my baker gave to me: 13 cock cookies wearing lil' Santa hats on their heads.

On the 13th day of Jeebus’ birthday, my baker gave to me: 13 cock cookies wearing lil’ Santa hats on their heads.

TitTip: Use the smallest schlong cookie cutter you can find, if you can find smaller dick cookie cutters. The smaller, sturdier schmeckels may be less likely to break than these long, big dicks. From the tip of the hat to the bottom of the balls, these dicks were about 10 inches, which makes for a pretty fuckin’ big cock cookie. After decorating them, most of the heavily iced balls would break off, unless I was very gentle with the wangs. (FYFI: I am not gentle with wangs.)

Merry fuckin’ Jeebus Day!

_________