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Tag Archives: Penis

How to be the Life of the Garden Party: Make Fancy Dicks

3 May

Recently I was invited to my first garden party. I was shocked and fuckin’ flattered. The only thing I knew about garden parties was that people wear fancy hats.

What would I make for such a classy event? Thinking back to the fancy hats my mind naturally drifted to dick-shaped cookies with fancy hats.

Instructions:

Step 1: Be sure to sketch out a few ideas on paper before you commit it to a cookie someone is going to put in their mouth. Most people don’t like putting any ol’ dick in their mouth.

One piece of advice I can offer is to not sketch this out in the notebook you use at your place of employment. A loose leaf sheet of paper kept in the privacy of your home will suffice.

It all starts with inappropriate sketches.

It all starts with inappropriate sketches.

Step 2: Make the best fuckin’ cookie dough. Then flatten the dough and cut out a dick with a fancy hat. I started with a dick cookie cutter and then used a sharp knife to carve the hat out around the heads.

You could also draw out a dick with a fancy hat on cardstock, cut the dick out, and then use it as a stencil with a sharp knife to make your dicks uniform.

Hats off to you, fancy dick!

Hats off to you, fancy dick!

Step 3: Decorate your fancy dicks. It’s always best to decorate piecemeal, so each piece can dry before you start on the next.

Decorate your dicks extra fancy!

Decorate your dicks extra fancy!

Step 4: Take fucktacular pictures of your fancy dicks. I’m glad I made these fancy dicks just in time for bluebonnet season. These fancy dicks are truely Texans.

A fancy couple in a small field of bluebonnets.

A fancy couple in a small field of bluebonnets.

 

Nice enough for an eHarmony profile picture.

Nice enough for an eHarmony profile picture. I’d date this dick.

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Dicks aren’t just for the bedroom and garden parties! Here are a few neat dicks you can make for several occasions:

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Dicks for Grads!

27 Apr

Do you have friends or family that are graduating soon? Wondering what to get that cocky grad? A dick!

Here are a couple of fucktacular recipes you should use to make your grad cocks:

The shit you’ll need for the grad decorations:

  • Vegan white chocolate chips
  • Vegan semi-sweet chocolate chips
  • Graduation candy molds
  • Coconut oil (or other oil of your choosing)
  • Food colors of your choosing

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Make your dicks from the recipes above, or use your own sturdy cookie recipe. (Remember, your dicks will need to be hard to hold the candy decorations you’ll be putting on them. Hard dicks only.)
  2. Don’t forget to have a bit of cheeky fun while making your dick cookies.
Get creative.

Get creative.

3. Make a giant pile of dicks because making a giant pile of dicks is more impressive than making a small pile of dicks.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

4. Clean off the grad molds.

We both know your friend isn't the #1 grad, but they'll feel like it with some dick (cookies) in their mouth.

We both know your friend isn’t the #1 grad, but they’ll feel like it with some dick (cookies) in their mouth.

5. Melt some white chocolate with a little bit of oil, and mix in a few drops of the food coloring of your choice.

6. Start with your first color. Let that first color harden. TitTip: It hardens faster in the fridge.

I did this with my cock. 

I did this with my cock.

7. Add on your next color to fill the mold, and let that shit harden.

8. Make a fuckton of these little candies because you have a lot of grad cocks.

I'm pretty shitty at lighting and taking pictures. The right is a pile of grad hats on a black plate. 

I’m pretty shitty at lighting and taking pictures. The right is a pile of grad hats on a black plate.

9. Use a bit of melty chocolate as glue to keep the candies on the cocks.

Now your lil' cock looks successful. 

Now your lil’ cock looks successful.

10. Put all of your cookies in a giant container and marvel at all the cocks you created.

So many dicks! How many can you fit in your mouth at once?!

So many dicks! How many can you fit in your mouth at once?!

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This Thanksgiving I’m Thankful for Dick (Cookies)

23 Nov

I’ve been making all sorts of new dishes, but it has been a while since I’ve decorated anything. The holiday season makes me feel all kinds of creative, especially with dick-shaped items.

The cookie blueprints are always the first step, as the ideas come to life when I draw them like a first-grader on paper.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

After you have baked and cooled your cocks you can start decorating them.

If you need some help with baking and forming the penis cookies, see a few tips from previous posts:

As you can see, the holidays are a great time to make and distribute some fucktacular cockies (cock + cookies = cockies).

Decorating one cockie at a time is hard, so I usually do one color across all the cockies at once.

One shitty color at a time.

One shitty color at a time.

Then, add a couple more colors.

This shit is almost done!

This shit is almost done!

The fuckin’ guests have arrived!

All the mother fuckin' guests have arrived.

All the mother fuckin’ guests have arrived.

Here’s the artist’s (that’s me!) interpretation of the first Thanksgiving. Yes, I do imagine everyone as a dick. Yes, even you.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin' hearts.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin’ hearts.

There’s No Turkey On The Table. What The Fuck? 

For a long time I suffered like most ‘Muricans and ate turkey every Thanksgiving. I say “suffered” because I thought turkey tasted like shit, but I had to eat some or I couldn’t have any cookies. When I became an adult, I ate turkey because (1) everyone else did, (2) I didn’t want to hurt the cook’s feelings, and (3) I didn’t think much about the food I was putting in my mouth and where it came from. I rewarded myself with cookies before and after completion of this fowl task. (Get it? Fowl = foul! Yes, I hate myself a lil’ bit for that pun, and even more for explaining that shit.)

I gave up eating animals when I went vegan, but I honestly still did not care about birds like I do mammals. It is hard to shake a fuckin’ unfounded hatred of birds (or anything) when you’ve had it most of your life.

To try and break from my speciesist ways, I watch Interweb videos of animals I don’t like too much being cute as fuck. I found the following video of a woman who rescues a couple of turkeys every Thanksgiving.

I’m glad my HOA doesn’t allow for farm animals or I’d be two turkeys away from crazy town.

Well, I do have four cats, so I’m already in crazy town.

Fuck.

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Dicktacular Holiday Cock Cookies

23 Dec

Last Jeebus Day my friends and family enjoyed festive Christmas Cock Cookies. I can’t do the same thing every year, but dicks are always in demand.

Erect Your Own Cock Cookies

It’s fuckin’ important to sketch out your ideas first. The best way is to grab and firmly grasp your phallic cookie cutter and trace a shitload of peckers on some paper.

If you are a creative bitch, like me, you will ejaculate ideas on the paper.

Check out Santa's Oh face.

Check out Santa’s Oh face.

I was pretty fuckin’ impressed with myself, so I went ahead and baked up some boomsticks and started decorating that shit.

Happy lil' fuck sticks.

Happy lil’ fuck sticks.

The icing I used dries up pretty quickly, so it’s best to do one color at a time.

The antlers make the balls look pretty tasty.

The antlers make the balls look pretty tasty.

I am so Jeebus-damned talented.

Here's Frosty keeping his balls nice and toasty.

Here’s Frosty keeping his balls nice and toasty.

I’m pretty happy with how these lil’ cocks turned out. The last couple of times I’ve made wang-shaped cookies they fell apart, but these dicks stayed hard.

These cum guns are fully loaded.

These cum guns are fully loaded.

What other designs could you come up with? Dick-shaped elves?

Oh, Christmas Dick tree. Oh, Christmas Dick tree. How lovely are your balls!

Oh, Christmas Dick tree. Oh, Christmas Dick tree. How lovely are your balls!

A bell with two balls? Maybe you could just make a penis and tie a festive bow around it?

Here's Rudolph the red-nosed reindick.

Here’s Rudolph the red-nosed reindick.

An awkwardly shaped dreidel? You could cover the tip of the penis with a nicely wrapped box and have dick in the box cookies!

This cock is totally circumcised.

This cock is totally circumcised.

The fucktacular possibilities are endless!

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The Most Fucktacular Search Terms

28 Aug

FYFI: WordPress allows bloggers to see what search terms people have used to stumble upon their blog.

And the #1 Search Termfor this blog: pussy cupcakes

People have used some pretty fucktacular terms to find this blog. I have categorized the search terms into six categories: Baking, Foul-Mouthed Baking, Nasty Baking (Possibly Porn), Porn, Fucked-Up Porn, and Random Shit From The Interwebs.

I have some real examples of the terms that fit into the categories below for your fuckin’ convenience. If you are too fuckin’ lazy to read through some funny terms, then here is a word cloud to show you the most used words to find this site.

FuckinWordCloud

Pussy is only #2 to cake.

Baking

The people who used these terms were just searching for everyday baking help on the Interwebs. Then, BAM! This blog slapped them in the face with a hard dick. Here are  some innocent terms:

Foul-Mouthed Baking

These people knew what they were getting into:

  • messages to write on a dick cake
  • how to make a penis from icing
  • funny fudge recipe with all the foul language
  • diabeetus cake
  • you look fucktacular
  • lil diabeetus snacks

Nasty Baking (Possibly Porn or Both)

These are pretty fuckin’ nasty, you sick fucks. These people may have been looking for porn.

  • cake cream in pussy images
  • can you rub jello on your clit
  • filling asshole with ice cream
  • can you masturbate with buttercream icing

Porn

These people were just looking for porn, but got diabeetus instead.

  • horse cock  in pussy close up pic original animal
  • cum covered butte
  • put chocolate in her ass
  • www. fresh fucking chocolate pussy.com
  • german baker fucks two men

Fucked-Up Porn

These are a little more than just regular porn.

Random Shit From The Interwebs

So you don’t leave this post with a bad taste in your mouth… These are completely random terms, so I’m sure no one was expecting to land on this site.

  • can cats have cookie butter
  • why does tequila make your penis soft
  • fuck korean tea
  • gay german boys kissing
  • vagina mold hamster
  • green tea and fuck
  • dick shaped shoes

A Learning Experience

I have learned a lot from compiling this list, but I have more questions. So here’s another shittastic list with all the new stuff I learned and questions I have:

  1. People like porn
  2. People can’t spell
  3. How many of my baking ingredients can I masturbate with?
  4. I would like to develop some “lil diabeetus snacks”.
  5. People are full of questions. Seriously, can cats have cookie butter?
  6. Also, fuck Korean tea.

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The fucktacular word cloud generator I used

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