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Archive | November, 2013

Be Thankful Your Dreams Aren’t Fucked Up

28 Nov

To make a really long story short: (1) a friend dreamed about a T-Rex using the back of a wolf to get himself off, (2) someone suggested I make this very appropriate dream into a reality, and (3) I make fuckin’ dreams come true.

T-Rex's frustration is rising.

T-Rex’s frustration is rising.

I had the T-Rex cake pan, so I only needed to make the wolf and a giant T-Rex dick.

TitTip: Making cake shapes is pretty fuckin’ easy, so there’s not a necessity for a shaped pan. For the wolf, I had to find a wolf picture with a nice, straight, firm back, print it, and then cut it out. Next, I put the wolf picture on the top of a cake and cut around the edges. That’s it! One cake wolf all ready to facilitate in the satisfaction of T-Rex. You can repeat these steps to make the giant T-Rex dick.

10 steps to T-Rex satisfaction.

10 steps to T-Rex satisfaction.

When I presented the cake to my friend I said, “I made your dream cum true.”

The finished product…

Probably the most artsy and beautiful cake I've made to date. I'm available for weddings and birthdays.

This is the most artsy and beautiful cake I’ve made to date. I’m available for weddings and birthdays.

I’m Fuckin’ Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving, and I am very proud and thankful for how far along my cake decorating skills have come. Please enjoy these close-ups.

Here you can see T-Rex enjoying himself.

Here you can see T-Rex enjoying himself.

The friend I made this for, ever so slowly cut out the giant T-Rex dick, crammed it in his mouth, and ate the whole thing.

I am very detailed-oriented, so I did not forget the penis veins. I wonder if I should put that on a resume?

I am very detailed-oriented, so I did not forget the penis veins. I wonder if I should put that on a resume?

I pointed out that the T-Rex had a rape eye. While people seemed to agree, one person decided he needed to eat the eye. As soon as he got a chance, he cut out the T-Rex eye and ate it. He then proceeded to eat the wolf’s eye. No one knows why he wanted to eat those eyes so bad. Maybe the eyes gave him strange sexual powers?

No one gives the rape eye like a T-Rex.

No one gives the rape eye like a T-Rex.

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Place Cupcakes on Cookie to Improve Chances of Diabeetus

14 Nov

Remember when the Invalid Argument meme was big? This is the product of trying to make that meme into dessert form.

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If I could have place all this shit inside a pie my life would have been complete.

TitTip: See the yellow paper in the top left corner? That’s right, I write everything out on paper first to make sure I don’t fuck that shit up on my fucktacular desserts.

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Cake Fuck-Ups: Part 1

7 Nov

I am not a professional cake decorator or baker, so I make a lot of mistakes. Because my professional reputation is not on the line, but mostly because I don’t give a shit, I feel no embarrassment in sharing my fails with people. If you pay attention, you might fuckin’ learn something.

Fail #1: Not paying attention to recommended temperatures.

I thought I had this baking shit down, but not too long ago I burnt a cake while teaching a friend how to bake. It taught her the valuable lesson of not having the temperature a 100 degrees over what’s recommended.

Don't let recommended temperatures tell you what to do! Unless, you don't want to burn your cake.

Don’t let recommended temperatures tell you what to do! Unless, you don’t want to burn your cake.

Fail #2: Scraping a wonderfully decorated cake against the side of a pan, like a fuckhead.

The first time I decorated a cake all fancy n’ shit, I scrapped it against the side of the pan, which fucked it up a bit. I should probably be more careful with this shit.

Oh well, your friends probably aren't professional cake decorators, so those fuckers will never notice, unless you put it up on the Interwebs and circle it in red. 

Oh well, your friends probably aren’t professional cake decorators, so those fuckers will never notice, unless you put it up on the Interwebs and circle it in red.

Fail #3: KILL ALL THE FRUIT FLIES!

Trying to bake in an apartment filled with fruit flies is pretty fuckin’ ridiculous. Those flying assholes are attracted to anything sweet, so they will fly right ontowhatever I’m mixing or baking. I’ve lost many good cookies and cakes to fruit flies, or rather pieces of cookies and cakes. I didn’t throw away the whole batch. I’m not fuckin’ wasteful, and, you know, starving kids in Africa and some junk.

Nommy! A fuckin' smashed fruit fly!

Nommy! A fuckin’ smashed fruit fly!

Cat fur in my baked goods is a whole different story, and a more frequent occurrence.

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Dear Vegans, Thanks for Being Fuckin’ Picky Eaters

1 Nov

Today is World Vegan Day! In honor of this day, I will share all the fucktacular stuff I have learned from baking for my vegan friends.

1. The best chocolate cake recipe ever is vegan. I was fuckin’ shocked at how good a cake could be without butter and eggs. I feel like meat and animal products have let me down.

2. Exchanging butter for butter-flavored shortening doesn’t change the taste of icing. My favorite icing is now my own chocolate buttercream icing, which I make vegan. Again, animal products are letting me down. WHAT THE FUCK, ANIMALS?!?! If I can’t use you in baking, you will soon be rendered useless to me, which would allow you to live a longer, happier life.

3. Food fur thought: Can vegans eat the cat fur that will probably be in my baked goods? Keeping cat fur out of my baked goods is mission fuckin’ impossible. (It is also impossible to keep cat fur off my clothes, couch, bartender, tits, floor, vagina, friends, and right eye). I wondered how vegans felt about cat fur in their food. Well, when in doubt, ask a vegan! (That should be a weekly video blog: Ask a Vegan!) I queried a vegan friend and she said since the “cats gave up their fur willingly” it was okay for her to eat a cake with cat fur in it. Since all vegans are the same, I’m pretty sure I don’t need to confirm this with anymore vegans. That fuckin’ mystery is solved!

Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!

Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!

I’ve learned so much this fuckin’ year, and I owe some of that to vegans and their strange, self-inflicted dietary restrictions. Thanks for being so fuckin’ picky, vegans!

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