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Archive | January, 2014

2 Assholes, 1 Ugly-Ass Cake

30 Jan

Background

Sometimes you make a bunch of cakes, and then your asshole friends start expecting a cake for their birthday. Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned, store-bought cakes?

This cake was for two people, who shared the same birthday week. Why not two cakes? Because (1) I’m too lazy to make two god-damned cakes, and (2) I didn’t like these people enough to make two separate cakes.

One of the assholes requested a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. He said he would “shit a brick” if I made one. FYFI: I have yet to lay my eyes upon the promised shit brick, which makes him an asshole and a liar (or a hoarder of shit bricks).

Ugly-Ass Cake Ingredients

Don’t forget to grab a fuckton of minty shit:

  • Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies
  • Andes Mints (This is a fucktacular recipe to make a vegan version of Andes Mints, as Andes Mints are not vegan.)
  • Peppermint extract
  • Mint Chocolate Chip Nice Cream (My favorite is Nada Moo.)

Ugly-Ass Cake Construction 

A couple of people insisted that the best ice cream cakes have this crispy layer of chocolate, and that this separates regular ice cream cakes from fucktacular ice cream cakes. Not, I’ve never tried one of these fabled cakes myself, but I thought it would be a good idea to try and produce a crispy layer without any taste-testing or instruction.

  1. Open up a sleeve of Thin Mints. Then, eat the entire sleeve and open up another sleeve. (There are two sleeves per box for a reason. That reason: DIABEETUS.) Continue opening up sleeves of Thin Mints until you manage to get them in a big measuring cup or bowl without eating them all, you fat fuck.
  2. Stab those fuckers with a blunt object to break them up a bit.
  3. Put those shitty pieces in a blender.
  4. Blend the shit out of the pieces.
  5. Melt a couple of tablespoons of vegan butter and mix it with your ground up Thin Mints.
  6. Press this delicious shit into a pan.
NSFL: These images are disturbing. They depict real Girl Scout cookies being smashed into shitty bits. Don't worry, Fatty, you can still eat them later.

NSFL: These images are disturbing. They depict real Girl Scout cookies being smashed into shitty bits. Don’t worry, Fatty, you can still eat them later.

To make the icing, (1) grab your homemade Andes mints (or buy some mint chocolate bars), (2) fuck them up a bit, and (3) mix into Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze with a couple drops of peppermint extract.

Dick snot with a hint of mint.

Dick snot with a hint of mint.

Why did I use a number 1 cake pan? When I saw this in the craft store, I couldn’t help but think about how I could turn it into something unsuitable for one-year old’s birthday.

Now to bake the mother fuckin’ cake!

  1. Spray the pan. This should be a “No Shit” step, since almost all cakes have to have the pan sprayed.
  2. Pour cake batter into the pan.
  3. Bake that shit.
  4. Be an impatient asshole and flip the cake onto a wire rack too soon.
  5. Repeat steps 1-3, but try to skip 4. When you manage to skip 4, you can use a cake leveler to make the top of the cake flat.
  6. Flip that shit over into a container you can put in the freezer. Titbit: You’ll soon realize that you flipped the cake too many fuckin’ time and it is now backwards. DON’T PANIC, FUCK-HEAD! Just flip it once more.
Learn from my fuckin' fails! Or repeat them for lolz.

Learn from my fuckin’ fails! Or repeat them for lolz.

Follow the ice cream cake construction steps here. I’m not retyping that shit in this post for you.

This shit is starting to look super fuckin' ugly.

This shit is starting to look super fuckin’ ugly.

Remember the 2 girls one cup craze? I’m not going to post a link to the video, so if you were living ass-deep in a dick-hole a few years ago, I’ll leave it up to you to Google that shit yourself. Titbit: If I don’t go ahead and supply the link for something, then it’s probably pretty disgusting and very NSFFW.

These two assholes had never seen an uglier cake, or had that much dick snot in their mouths at once. Trying new things is fun!

These two assholes had never seen an uglier cake, or had that much dick snot in their mouths at once. Trying new things is fun!

It turns out I’m horrible at drawing assholes. I decided to go with the emoticons for butts that included an anus.

I was pretty excited that I finally got to use the piping tip that always reminds me of an anus as an actual anus. Look at the picture below. Totally an anus. The people who make the piping tips have a sick sense of humor. I applaud them for this trait.

That's right. Get a little closer. Rub your nose in the asshole.

That’s right. Get a little closer. Rub your nose in the asshole.

My Friends Are Dicks

I sent a picture of this cake to a couple of friends, and because I have wonderfully supportive friends, one of them immediately replied with this:

My wonderfully supportive friends thought I made an ugly-ass cake, but found the most eloquent way to tell me.

My wonderfully supportive friends thought I made an ugly-ass cake, but found the most eloquent way to tell me.

Like ugly people, ugly cakes have a right to live and shouldn’t want to commit suicide. Remember: It’s what’s inside that counts, and this cake tasted as good as the dick mucus it was covered in.

__________

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Badass Princess Here to Save Her Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

16 Jan

Mother Fuckin’ Background

Recently, I was tasked with making a princess castle cake for a friend’s little girl’s fifth birthday. I’m not a fan of girly shit, but I was excited by this request.

I disclosed that I had been wanting to make a princess castle cake complete with a princess slaying a dragon to protect her kingdom. (We need an equal showing of chicks and dudes saving kingdoms, and princesses don’t need princes to take care of them; they can handle their own shit.) My friend said the idea sounded perfect because her little girl “doesn’t take shit from anyone”.

Plan The Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

This project allowed me to channel my inner-Girl Scout. When I was a Girl Scout, I learned to:

Always be fuckin’ prepared as shit.” – Girl Scout Promise

Those are important words, and I live my life by them.

Decide how big you want your cake, put its foundation together, and draw shitty blueprints.

My blueprint complete with shitty dragon drawing!

My blueprint complete with shitty dragon drawing!

TitTip: An idea and goals are very fuckin’ important for a cake project of this size. I had several goals and requests to honor.

FYFI: The little girl this cake was for wanted a (1) purple castle, (2) surrounded by a moat, and (3) the Rice Krispie Treats needed to be M&M’s-filled. I didn’t understand the M&M’s request, but I discovered that children are easily impressed. Five-year-olds think that to put M&M’s in Rice Krispie Treats you need to be a shittacular wizard.

My goals were to make (1) all parts edible, (2) form non-phallic turrets, and (3) construct recognizable items and creatures. (Recognizable meaning the dragon looks like a dragon without people pointing and asking, “What the fuck is that?”)

Ingredients For The Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

  • Cake layers (If you are a lazy fuckhead, use a shitty boxed cake. Titbit: Children heart funfetti, but that mix isn’t vegan. However, it is very easy to make a white cake and add vegan sprinkles. Trust me when I say, “You don’t need a fuckin’ boxed cake mix!”)
  • Rice Krispie Treats with M&M’s (Veganize that shit: Dandies are vegan marshmallows and dark chocolate M&M’s are vegan)
  • A variety of food colors and vegan white, dark, and milk chocolate (If you are like me, you’ll need extra cause you’ll fuck shit up.)
  • Shitload of waxed paper (Most of the ingredients are sticky as fuck.)
  • Shape-N-Amaze (This shit is expensive and accidentally vegan!)
  • Mother fuckin’ sprinkles!
  • Ice cream cones (Titbit: The pointed-bottom cones will make you less likely to make dick-like turrets.)
  • Approximately one metric fuckton of Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • Your god-dammed imagination

BTFW: Even though I wanted to make everything edible on this cake, I didn’t fuckin’ concern myself with how most of it tasted, with the exception of the actual cake part and the icing.

Assembling The Shit For The Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

If you look at my castle blueprint, I wanted to have a brick road in my landscape. Use the following instructions and pictures to develop your own brick road:

  1. Cut a small hole in one corner of a sandwich bag, put some melted white chocolate in there, and shit tiny bricks out on wax paper.
  2. Draw your road on to the wax paper.
  3. Once your Candy Melt bricks have hardened, you should trim and arrange them on the road you drew. Then, use another color to cement those fuckin’ bricks together.
  4. Now, you’ll realize that you should have flipped your waxed paper over, but you already cut all your bricks to fit the flip side of the road! So you’ll get fuckin’ pissed you wasted so much time trying to make perfect, lil’ fuckin’ bricks.
  5. Then, say “Fuck it!”, and smash your fuckin’ bricks into haphazard, lil’ pieces. (OMJeebus this is cathartic.)
  6. Get color of melted chocolate stuff, pour it all over your cunty road, and quickly throw your broken bricks, which are now fuckin’ sweet cobblestones, all over the melted candy before that shit dries.
I'm a genius for figuring out how to turn my mistakes into something shittacular!

I’m a genius for figuring out how to turn my mistakes into something shittacular!

This is how you can make dragon, who just got fuckin’ defeated by a badass princess.

  1. Get some green Shape-N-Amaze, roll out a really thin layer, and put it over some cake or something else that you would put in your mouth (no dicks, please).
  2. Make some tiny dragon feet. Ain’t that shit cute, yo?
  3. Then, make a couple of cold, dead dragon hands and a neck.
  4. Give that fucker a head!
  5. Don’t forget the long-ass tail!
  6. Put little spiky bits on the dragon. I made mine from coloring my melted white chocolate, but do whatever you fuckin’ want.
  7. Make your dragon look as dead as your grandmother. (Ouch. Sometimes I take things too far. Oh well.) I think the tongue sticking out and x eyes indicates this asshole is dead.
  8. Take a good look at what you just created. You’re a fuckin’ confection wizard!
This mother fucker is dead!

This mother fucker is dead!

Now, do similar things to create other decorations and your badass princess. I gave this princess a unicorn because unicorns are fucktacular.

Badass princess riding a fuckin' unicorn!

Badass princess riding a fuckin’ unicorn!

Building The Fuckin’ Magical Castle

  1. Cut the corners off of the Crisp Rice Krispie Treats.
  2. Be sure to put some icing between each layer of this castle.
  3. Cut the cake to fit the blueprint. I made the blueprint for a fuckin’ reason.
  4. Put another layer on that bitch.
  5. Ice the shit out of those top layers.
  6. Get a lollipop stick and shove that shit down into the cardboard where the turrets should go. (This will keep your turrets from collapsing and making a fuckin’ mess.)
  7. Find a cookie cutter or something circular and cut a shitton of circles out of the Rice Krispie Treats.
  8. Poke holes in the circular Rice Krispie Treats, and cram that shit on the lollipop poll until reaching the desired height.
  9. Make sure you put some icing between each layer of your non-cock-like turrets.
  10. Ice the whole fuckin’ castle. It should look like a dick sneezed all over this shit. Well, like several dicks sneezed all over it.
  11. COLORFUL SPRINKLES EVERYWHERE!
  12. Pipe some purple icing on the castle to make it look like a castle. You know, make bricks n’ shit.
  13. Get some ice cream cones and cover them in white Candy Melts. Be very careful to make sure it doesn’t look like a dick. This shit is for children, not a twisted, penii-worshiping bachelorette party, pervert.
  14. Put your cones on top of the turrets, and flags on top of the cones. This shit is starting to look royal.
Building a mother fuckin' magical castle.

Building a mother fuckin’ magical castle.

Landscaping This Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

You can see the pictures below. I don’t think I need to hold your hand and walk you through the steps, like a fuckin’ child.

Landscaping the mother fuckin' kingdom!

Landscaping the mother fuckin’ kingdom!

Admire Your Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

You just did a shitload of work for something small children and a few adults will devour quickly. Take a few minutes to think about how fucktacular you are.

This shit is done, bitches.

This shit is done, bitches.

In my excitement, I forgot to give the dragon a wound. I took the princess’s sword and stabbed the shit out of that asshole dragon.

I stabbed that fucker!

I stabbed that fucker!

The badass princess slayed the dragon! Next time you give a little girl a cake with a princess on it, consider making it badass, since princesses can do more than look pretty. Princesses can ride unicorns, drink with the common folk, slay dragons, have a couple of fuck buddy princes on the side, and SCIENCE.

Badass princess here to handle all your asshole dragon woes.

Badass princess here to handle all your asshole dragon woes.

Can’t wait to make a princess castle cake for an adult, so I can cover it in penii turrets.

__________

Keep a Fuckin’ Resolution in 2014

2 Jan

Similar to a lot of people, I drank a lot last year on New Year’s Eve, which resulted in events on this cake. This year I resolved that the same thing would not happen, so I wrote it on a cookie cake and brought it with me to my party destination.

I was really hoping the party would be filled with familiar faces, so I could have puked in front of people I knew.

I was really hoping the party would be filled with familiar faces, so I could have puked in front of people I knew.

My favorite part of this cookie cake: The shittily overdone decorations.

FYFI: I started off trying to make this look genuinely fucktacular, but failed, obviously. The lesson: If you start decorating a cake without a plan your cake will probably look like a clumsy penisaurus rex decorated it. <INSERT JOKE ABOUT THE TIP. Because cake decorating involves tips and a cock has a tip. Get it?>

__________

Hey, cunts, check out some more cookie cakes I’ve made:

  1. Instructions to construct a dicktacular cookie cake that will give your friends diabeetus.
  2. Make a cookie cake for ‘MURICA!
  3. Divorced? Celebrate with a cookie cake.

__________