Hashtags on Twitter. Hashtags on Faecbook. What’s next hashtags on cake? Too late, fuckers.
#Diabeetus
I’ve made this unicorn poop cake for the same fuckin’ friend for the last three years. Last year’s cake probably contained the worst message I’ve ever written on a cake (so far).
BTFW: Don’t look too close, assholes. You’ll see how I made an outline with a toothpick, and then didn’t follow the fuckin’ outline or smooth that shit out.
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Ever do something you fuckin’ regretted the shit out of at a party in front of a bunch of assholes? Well, that was fuckin’ stupid of you. This cake summarizes what may have been the best moment of two dudes’ lives.
German chocolate cake is the cake of lovers.
I lied. There were actually three dudes involved. They all took turns tongue-kissing each other to to horror or enjoyment of the crowd.
If you think this is strange, please keep in mind, the most-fucked up cake I’ve ever created was for for one dude involved in this fun life event.
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Today is World Vegan Day! In honor of this day, I will share all the fucktacular stuff I have learned from baking for my vegan friends.
1. The best chocolate cake recipe ever is vegan. I was fuckin’ shocked at how good a cake could be without butter and eggs. I feel like meat and animal products have let me down.
2. Exchanging butter for butter-flavored shortening doesn’t change the taste of icing. My favorite icing is now my own chocolate buttercream icing, which I make vegan. Again, animal products are letting me down. WHAT THE FUCK, ANIMALS?!?! If I can’t use you in baking, you will soon be rendered useless to me, which would allow you to live a longer, happier life.
3. Food fur thought: Can vegans eat the cat fur that will probably be in my baked goods? Keeping cat fur out of my baked goods is mission fuckin’ impossible. (It is also impossible to keep cat fur off my clothes, couch, bartender, tits, floor, vagina, friends, and right eye). I wondered how vegans felt about cat fur in their food. Well, when in doubt, ask a vegan! (That should be a weekly video blog: Ask a Vegan!) I queried a vegan friend and she said since the “cats gave up their fur willingly” it was okay for her to eat a cake with cat fur in it. Since all vegans are the same, I’m pretty sure I don’t need to confirm this with anymore vegans. That fuckin’ mystery is solved!
Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!
I’ve learned so much this fuckin’ year, and I owe some of that to vegans and their strange, self-inflicted dietary restrictions. Thanks for being so fuckin’ picky, vegans!
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The Foul-Mouthed Baker 