Tag Archives: Crisco

Chocolate Balls of Bliss

7 Jul

Today is Chocolate Day! Time to celebrate Chocolate Day with chocolate balls of bliss. (A friend of mine described these chocolate truffles as “balls of bliss”, and said she felt dirty eating them.)

Also, chocolate balls of bliss are the key ingredient in attracting Penisaurus Rex.

Ingredients

Assembling Blissful Balls 

Put a bunch of chocolate chips in a microwavable bowl in the microwave with a little bit of Criso and let it spin until that shit is melted (a couple of minutes). I like my chocolate balls soft, so I use more Crisco. If you like tough, hard balls, then use less Crisco.

There is way too much Crisco in this picture. Oops.

There is way too much Crisco in this picture. Oops.

If you used the buttercream icing I indicated, you can freeze it and then roll it into balls.

I fizz the whole time I make these balls.

I fizz the whole time I make these balls.

Once you roll the buttercream into balls, you can drop the balls into the melted chocolate, pull the balls out with a utensil, and put the balls on some waxed paper.

TitTip: Use a fork to pull the balls out of the melted chocolate. I used a spoon, which is why there are giant puddles of chocolate under all my balls. Nothing wrong with the extra chocolate, but if you are one of those snooty confectionists you’ll probably want your balls to look pretty. I never go for pretty balls. I go for delicious balls. Delicious = Diabeetus.

Chocolate balls belong in your mouth.

Chocolate balls belong in your mouth.

Once you have covered all the balls in chocolate, put the balls in the fridge. In about a hour, the chocolate balls should be firm and then you can devour those fuckin’ balls.

Making Your Own Balls of Bliss

You can do a lot with this recipe and make these balls your own balls. I’ve added peanut butter to the chocolate buttercream recipe and used that to make peanut butter truffles. You can also try adding some other flavors, nuts, or fruits to the buttercream.

If you don’t like dark chocolate, you can go fuck yourself.  I mean, you can use milk chocolate chips or white chocolate chips.

I have some top secret ideas that I might share one day. When? When I fuckin’ feel like it. Don’t rush my creativity.

Attracting Penisaurus Rex

The main reason to make chocolate balls of bliss is to attract Penisaurus Rex. Penisaurus Rex fuckin’ loves chocolate balls of bliss. If you leave a plate of them outside your door over night, he will eat them all. Don’t try and stay up and look for him. Penisaurus Rex can’t perform under that kind of pressure, so he will only come if you aren’t watching.

I saw him one time, but I had to use a series of mirrors to catch a glimpse of him. Also, I was drunk, so no one believes that I saw him.

Legend has it, one cannot look at him directly, like Medusa. Unlike Medusa, if you look directly at Penisaurus Rex, instead of turning to stone, he will just jizz on your face. The jizz tastes like chocolate truffles, so the jizz is nice and refreshing. Or so I’ve been told…

My artistic rendition of how a kindergartner would depict Penisaurus Rex eating chocolate balls.

My artistic rendition of how a kindergartner would depict Penisaurus Rex eating chocolate balls.

Coming Soon…

The elusive VaginaRaptor.

Sometimes she’s a slippery girl.

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Fizzing in Everything: Versatile Chocolate Buttercream Icing

20 Jun

This shit is amazing and it makes me fizz just thinking about it! I use it with a lot of different cakes and other recipes. Also, it can be eaten by itself  because: DIABEETUS!

Ingredients

  • Crisco, the regular shit (1/2 cup)
  • Butter flavored Crisco (1/2 cup)
  • Powdered sugar, approximately 1 asston (4 – 5 cups)
  • Cocoa powder (1/3 cup)
  • Vanilla (at least 1 teaspoon)
  • Vegan dry milk, put some water in it so it isn’t fuckin’ dry anymore, (2 tablespoons)

NOTE: If you are not willing to commit to making as much icing as I do (probably because you are a penis), then the measurements needed to ice the fuck out of one regular-sized cake are in parentheses above. I suggest that you make a lot because icing brings all the bitches to your yard. Chocolate buttercream brings the classy bitches.

More chocolate buttercream  = more classy bitches. Someone should turn that idea into a pop song, make millions, and generously split those millions with me, the creative mastermind.

Instructions

Beat the two criscos (sp? Criscoes? Criscii?) together until they are fluffy as shit. You will want equal amounts of both fatty-fat-fats depending on how much icing you want (or use the amounts above).

Now, add in the coco powder. The amount of cocoa powder depends on how chocolaty you want your icing. I usually like it pretty fuckin’ chocolaty, so I add in a shitton of cocoa powder (an amount equaling the amount of Criso already in the mixing bowl). Also, if you like dark chocolate, I suggest using the dark chocolate cocoa powder. Fuckin’ delicious.

COCO!

This shit is healthy?

Now you can start adding in the powdered sugar, vanilla, and milk. I like my icing really thick, so I only add milk if my mixer won’t move anymore (or if the motor in the mixer breaks, and I have to go buy a new one). I wish I could fins a mixer that could handle my thick icing.

Icing

This shit is thick!

As always, I get super carried away with icing, as only the most amazing bitches do. The picture below is of a 6-gallon container filled with this buttercream icing to about the 5-gallon mark. I’m not ridiculous. YOU’RE FUCKIN’ RIDICULOUS.

Fuck! So much icing

Fuck! So much icing.

You can use this icing on almost everything. This is the icing I used on a meat cake, cupcakes, and I’ve used it for the center of truffles. Something shittacular you can put this on is an ice cream cake. This stuff is soft enough to cut after you’ve frozen it, while other buttercreams might get hard as a fuckin’ brick after you freeze it.

I really want to try it on a giant cookie cake one day. That day will be the single greatest day of my life.

Make Your Shit Your Own

Another great thing you can do with this icing is add your own flavors. In the past, I’ve used concentrated instant hazelnut coffee to add a hazelnut flavor. I’ve also added peanut butter (in the first step, along with the Criscii) to have a peanut butter chocolate buttercream.

Use your mother fuckin’ brain, be creative, and try different flavors! If your are going to get diabeetus, then you might as well enjoy the ride.

Sorry, I was just thinking about putting strawberries in this and fizzed all over my office chair.

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Is it Bacon or a Penis?

31 May

***Update: I wrote this before I went vegan, and while re-reading it hurts me deep inside my bleeding fuckin’ vegan heart…I decided to leave this post in its entirety while revamping this blog to make everything vegan. It’s interesting to see how much my views have changed in just a couple of years.

And now for a look back into a non-vegan’s inner-most, deep-down thoughts. Spoiler alert: My thoughts weren’t that deep or clever.***

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I know what you are thinking: “Does it matter if it is bacon or a penis? These are both spectacular things!” You are right, sir or madam.

Background

A friend of mine was defending her dissertation, and I wanted to make her a congratulatory cake to celebrate the occasion. She’s vegan, so I needed to make a vegan cake. Did you know vegans don’t eat meat or any product made from an animal? That includes, to my surprise, butter, milk, and eggs. Way to be difficult and cunty, vegans.

Cake

I looked up chocolate vegan cake recipes on the Interwebs, and decided on this one.

This was the best chocolate cake ever, seriously. I have traded my old stand-by chocolate cake recipe for this one. I know, smug vegans everywhere are fuckin’ celebrating, but I’m okay with that because they have delicious cake. People who have delicious treats can do whatever they want as far as I’m fuckin’ concerned. With that, I retract my previous comment on vegans being cunty. My bad, you have your delicious reasons.

Now, after making the cake I needed to shape it like bacon because vegans love bacon, right? I studied bacon for hours to get the shape just right. I looked at pictures of bacon. I went to the store and looked at all the different types of bacon: smoked applewood bacon, turkey bacon, thick cut bacon, think cut bacon, low sodium bacon, etc. I cooked up multiples types of bacon and tried them all. However, I threw away the excess bacon, since I was making a vegan cake. Vegans don’t like to eat meat, so I thought it would be disrespectful to eat too much bacon.

Already looks like bacon.

Already looks like bacon.

Next, I needed to ice the cake, but I didn’t use the icing recipe that came with the cake recipe above. I made my own vegan chocolate butter cream icing because butter cream icing is way better than shitty glaze icing any fuckin’ day.  (I might share the butter cream icing recipe one day.)

TitTip: Butter-flavored Crisco is an excellent substitute for butter. That’s how you can make vegan butter cream icing.

Here's the bacon cake with the fuckin' delicious butter cream icing. I added bumps on the cake it make it look like wrinkly bacon.

Here’s the bacon cake with the fuckin’ delicious butter cream icing. I added bumps on the cake it make it look like wrinkly bacon.

Then, I needed to color this cake like bacon. I used some vegan flood icing and added in some food coloring.

I decided on pink and light brown icing and dumped it in between some thicker icing. The thicker, white icing acts as a wall that says, “Stop, asshole! You can’t go any further!” When a wall talks, you better fuckin’ listen.

Bacon or penis? Sounds like "Win-win" to me.

Bacon or penis? Sounds like “Win-win” to me.

At this point I sent a picture of the cake to a couple of friends, and both of them agreed that it looked like a dick. Well, one of them said it looked like Batman, but that asshole is kinda fucked up. I just agreed it needed to be changed in order to make it look more bacon-like.

One friend suggested it needed more white, you know, like the fat deposits found on bacon (Mmmmmm…..fat deposits). I said, “What a great fuckin’ idea!”, and immediately set off to add more icing to recover this cake mess.

Cum-covered bacon is probably the best kind of bacon. It's all-natural and organic.

Cum-covered bacon is probably the best kind of bacon. It’s all-natural and organic.

So after adding the white, I not only had an accidental dick cake, but an accidental cum-covered dick cake. There’s a premature ejaculation joke there, but I’ll let you figure it out.

I was a little mad and wanted to start over, but then I shrugged. My vegan friend likes bacon, and she also LOVES the cock. So it is probably better that the cake turned out this way.

Meat cake is the best cake.

Meat cake is the best cake.

This cake wouldn’t have been complete without the congratulatory message. Writing on this cake was hard….like a penis. Also, becoming a Dr. is hard….like a penis. Okay, not all penii are hard, but the best ones are.

Aftermath

I wrote the message on this cake in the morning and didn’t look at it again until my friend unveiled it at her party. To my surprise, and everyone else’s amusement, some of my text flooded off the side of the cake. Fuck you, Vegan flood icing, you ruined my goddamned cake!

This was my first sad cake. What the fuck is a sad cake? Check this shit out.

The good thing about making delicious cakes is that even when you mess it up people don’t care. Probably because they are stuffing their face with the best diabeetus around.

Sad cake is sad.

Sad cake is sad.

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Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze

31 May

Background

Of all the recipes I have, this is the oldest fucker. The first thing I was ever allowed to use the mixer for when I was a wee one.

Recipe

The biggest problem with this recipe is that I never measure anything for it. But if you are smart, you can probably figure this shit out on a trial and error basis.

– Aquafaba (the leftover liquid shit from a can of chickpeas)
– Shortening (only all-veggie, since that animal fat shit is fuckin’ disgusting)
– Fuckton of powdered sugar (at least 6 fucktons)
– Vanilla extract (I’m really fuckin’ picky about my vanilla, and you should be too)
– Dry vegan milk* (make that shit up like it says on the package)

Directions

First, you fluff the shit out of the aquafaba with the whip attachment. Whip it until you get what other bakers call “stiff peaks”. This could take some fuckin’ time.

If anyone knows what you can do with just the yolk, please let me know. I’ve felt guilty for wasting the yolks for years.

Here’s some egg whites with the shit fluffed out of them.

Here’s some aquafaba with the shit fluffed out of it.

Then, you add in some Criso or all-veggie shortening. The amount I put in is usually equals the same as the aquafaba that just had the shit fluffed out of them. You should mix the Criso until it is a bit fluffy. It will look like the picture I’ve provided for you, cause I’m fuckin’ thoughtful.

The egg whites plus Crisco. Give it a taste. I swear it tastes good. *Giggle*

The aquafaba plus Crisco. Give it a taste. I swear it tastes good.
*Giggle*

Now you can start adding in the fuckton of powered sugar. I think for every ounce of aquafaba, I use about 4 fucktons of powered sugar, but this recipe is all to your own taste.

As you are mixing in the powered sugar you can add in the vanilla and prepared dry milk. I fuckin’ love vanilla, so I always add a shitload of vanilla. You add in the liquidy shit to the consistency you want the icing to be. I usually like mine a bit thick, but, as always, do whatever you fuckin’ want.

Mix in multiple fucktons of powered sugar. The DIABEETUS gods will thank you.

Mix in multiple fucktons of powered sugar. The DIABEETUS gods will thank you.

This time I made a lot of icing, so I had to separate it because my feeble hand mixer couldn’t handle this shit.

I made so much fuckin’ icing this time that I had to separate it into another bowl. Go big, or go the fuck home!

I made so much fuckin’ icing this time that I had to separate it into another bowl. Go big, or go the fuck home!

Uses and TitTips

I use this icing as my fail-safe for every cake and to decorate most my cakes. It’s white (if you haven’t been paying attention), so it is really easy to add any color you want to it.

TitTip: When making dark colors, you can add coco powder. This helps in conserving food color, makes the color dark, and get rids of or minimizes the aftertaste that most food colors have.

If you are a dude, who weights half a ton, like myself, you can also just eat this shit. I eat it like mother fuckin’ candy! Seriously, I eat it all the time. Quite often I push the cake to the side and only eat this icing. My favorite thing to do is to mix shredded coconut into an undisclosed amount of icing, and then call it “dinner”. Sometimes I like to pair it with cookie dough.

Best fuckin’ dinner around! What? It has coconut in it. Coconut is healthy.

Best fuckin’ dinner around! What? It has coconut in it. Coconut is healthy.

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*Vegan Dry Milk Recommendations:

The go-to dry milk is rice milk powder. It doesn’t have a strong flavor on it’s own, so it won’t give your icing a flavor you are not intending.

Soy milk powder is comparable to rice milk, but soy milk is not my fuckin’ favorite.

Vegan coconut milk powder is great, if you are making a cake that would benefit from a little coconut flavor.

Vegan TitTip: Be sure to really read through the dry milk ingredients, especially if it isn’t fuckin’ labeled “vegan”. I read a lot of reviews for different dried milk powders, especially coconut, and there were lots of complaints on some brands adding some sort of dairy into the product.

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