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Tag Archives: cunt

Are Orgasms Vegan?

24 Jun

In the past I have made a few fucktacular vegan desserts. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a delicious, diabeetus-filled gateway to a lifestyle change into veganism.

Yes, I’m a Fuckin’ Vegan

Yes, all the shittacular desserts posted on this blog will be vegan from now on. I’m also going  to remake shit to give them a vegan tweak. (**Update: I finally remade and tweaked the recipes. It only took me a year and a half. Look for “Veganize this shit”, as it will give tips on how to make linked recipes vegan.)

The best part about vegan desserts is you non-vegans can enjoy them as well, unless you have some fuckin’ allergies or some shit like that. However, I’m too nice, so I will probably try to make stuff gluten and nut free.

Shitty Questions About Vegan Baking

People have asked me all kinds of shit since I decided to be vegan. Here are some of the questions:

1. “How are you going to bake now?

Answer: Same way I always have. Like a fuckin’ badass cunt.

2. “You made this? It’s vegan?

Answer: Yes, everything I bake from now on will be vegan as fuck.

3. “How do you make cookies/cake/other-diabeetus-treats vegan? What is in this?” *skeptical stare*

Answer: It is incredibly easy to make anything you want vegan as long as you aren’t a lazy-ass fuck. I go to the same grocery store as you normal shitheads, but buy the shit that’s cruelty-free.

4. “I bet vegan desserts don’t taste as good as ‘the real thing’.

Answer: Vegan desserts aren’t fake ass shit. They are the real thing. It is highly likely that you have had a vegan dessert and didn’t fuckin’ realize it.

All of the vegan desserts I’ve made so far are as good if not better than their non-vegan counterparts. Maybe you should stop jumping to conclusions about things you don’t know shit about.

5. “This cookie is delicious. There’s butter in this, isn’t there? Tastes and looks like the cookies my grandma used to make.

Answer: Nope. No dairy, cruelty-filled butter. That shit is vegan.

*giggles* I have really enjoyed tricking people thus far.

6. “Vegans are lame. And boring. Will this be reflected in your baking?

Answer: You’re a judgey asshole. No cupcake for you.

7. “Are orgasms vegan?

Answer: Yes. The real question should be: Are batteries vegan?

8. “Will you still write inappropriate stuff on desserts that is fun for the whole family?

Answer: Fuck yes! Otherwise, I’d have to change the name of the blog to some lame-ass shit, like Cute Cupcake Farts for Babies or Titty Sprinkles. (As you can see I can’t even think of a fuckin’ appropriate name for a baking blog, so I’ll stick with being foul-mouthed.)

Here’s a particularly clever one I made recently for a couple of awesome co-workers. I presented it to them at a meeting we had together on Friday morning because presentation is the fuckin’ key.

Yes, this shit is vegan. Next time I need to add titty sprinkles. 

Yes, this shit is vegan. Next time I need to add titty sprinkles.

Here’s Some Shit That’s Vegan:


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Da Butt

3 Jul

Why Da Butt Cake?

A professor wrote “Is that da-butt” on a biological psychology quiz in reference to a perfect rendition of a brain I drew. Obviously, he is obsessed with ass, so I knew the only way to make him pay attention to a cake was to form it into the perfect tush and make it asstastic!

Probably the best picture of a brain you've ever seen. Yes, I allow people to use this image for free, but for educational purposes only.

Probably the best picture of a brain you’ve ever seen. Yes, I allow people to use this image for free, but for educational purposes only.

Constructing Da Butt

Making da butt cake was fuckin’ easy!

This cake is a tribute to Dr. Seuss: 1 Cheek, 2 Cheeks, Iced Cheeks, Diabeetus Cheeks.

This cake is a tribute to Dr. Seuss: 1 Cheek, 2 Cheeks, Iced Cheeks, Diabeetus Cheeks.

However, the ass cheeks just weren’t round enough. I used the top part of another cake to make nice, rounded ass cheeks.

Ain't no one want no flat ass cake.

Ain’t no one want no flat ass cake.

Then, all that is left is to ice the perfect ass cake.

Don't you just want to smack it with an open palm and then pinch it a bit?

Don’t you just want to smack it with an open palm and then pinch it a bit?

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OctoVag > OctoPussy

5 Jun

Last year I made a friend my first foul-mouthed cake. Everyone thought it was pretty fuckin’ inappropriate at the time, but I decided to outdo myself with a shit-ton of mother fuckin’ inappropriateness on her most recent birthday cake. How could I outdo myself? With OctoVag!

All vaginas have a beauty all of their own. I call this work of vaginal art OctoVag.

All vaginas have a beauty all of their own. I call this work of vaginal art OctoVag.

I bought this octopus mold a couple of months prior to the making of this cake knowing that I would use it for my friend, but, at the time, I had no precise plans for it. As with all great artists, the fucktacular idea hit me one day when I was ever-so furiously masturbating.

This octopus resembles a bunch of droopy labia and one extra pointy clitoris. Go ahead. Rub your fuckin' nose in that clit!

This octopus resembles a bunch of droopy labia and one extra pointy clitoris. Go ahead. Rub your fuckin’ nose in that clit!

Dear Foul-Mouthed Baker,

Are you still friends with this person? I don’t see how you can be, since you are obviously a MEGA cunt. Also, I bet your cakes taste like shit and your face is stupid.

Best,
Concerned About Your Social Life

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Howdy Concerned About Your Social Life,

We are still MEGA best forever friends. My friends heart diabeetus and jokes, but especially diabeetus.

Go Fuck Yourself,
The Foul-Mouthed Baker

_________

Cake Fuck-Ups: Part Dos

27 Mar

I’ve already committed several baking fuck-ups, but there is always room to learn more by fuckin’ some more shit up. Here are some recent fuck-ups:

Fuck-Up #1: Not setting the timer and burning shit.

I thought I set the timer, but then I smelled the burning. TitTip: Don’t be a shithead and always double-check to make sure you set your timer correctly.

There are many ways to burn baked goods, if that’s what you are into… I bet that’s some sort of porn I haven’t stumbled upon yet: people of all shapes and sizes rubbing burnt, still warm cookies on their genitals. I could get into that. Just imagine a cunt covered in burnt oatmeal raisin goo, or a cock dipped in an overcooked, crumbly shortbread mess. The thought of that just made me fizz all over my keyboard.

Those aren't double chocolate chip cookies on the left. I burnt the shit out of those cookies.

Those aren’t double chocolate chip cookies on the left. I burnt the shit out of those cookies.

Fuck-Up #2: Not letting a cake cool long enough and destroying your shit.

The reason you are supposed to wait a few minutes for a cake to completely cool is so it will easily slide out of a pan in one shittacular piece. I totally fucked up this cake, but it was okay, since it was for a couple of assholes.

Shit. I didn't wait for the cake to cool long enough. Fuck Sticks.

Shit. I didn’t wait for the cake to cool long enough. Fuck Sticks.

Fuck-up #3: Pushing too much icing out at once, like a fuckhead.

When you are decorating a cake, be careful to not get fuckin’ crazy and squeeze too much icing at once and cause a mess. Sometimes it is very easy to cover or clean up a mess, and other times it is not. In this case, I could not clean it up, but it didn’t matter because the people consuming the cookie cake were totally drunk.

Shit Tits! No, I literally got this shit on my tits.

Shit Tits! No, I literally got this shit on my tits.

__________

Cakes Are Best Served Poison-Free

26 Dec

It’s the day after Jeebus Day! Did you get everything you wanted? Show your loved ones you aren’t a bitter lil’ cunt about the thoughtless gifts they gave you by making them a shitily decorated cake.

Okay. You caught me. There's a little bit of poison in it, but, I swear, it is just for added flavor and won't kill you.

Okay. You caught me. There’s a little bit of poison in it, but, I swear, it is just for added flavor and won’t kill you.

I made this cake about half a year ago, but I found a cake with a similar message yesterday. This person doesn’t put the messages on the cake on their own, but I feel like we could join forces and make something fucktacular together.

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