Advertisements
Archive | Appetizers, Dips, n’ Shit RSS feed for this section

Matcha Chai Latte

16 Feb

Background:

I fuckin’ love chai! But that concentrate stuff that you can buy at the store or at coffee places already made is full of sugar, and sometimes there aren’t any vegan milk options. However, if you make your own, you can use in your own sweetener and make it healthier.

I also fuckin’ love matcha! I went a little crazy and combined the two, and I think it turned out well.

The Shit You’ll Need:

  • 2 cups dry vegan milk powder (I’ve used Better Than Milk rice milk and Healthworks coconut milk with great success)
  • 2 tablespoons Matcha powder
  • 1/2 cup of powdered sweetener of your choice (Swerve works well)
  • 1/2 cup of granulated sweetener of your choice
  • 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
  • 2 teaspoons ground ginger
  • 1 teaspoon ground cardamom
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
  • 1 teaspoon ground turmeric (this shit is optional)
  • 2 teaspoons powdered or ground vanilla (this shit is optional)
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground pepper (this shit is optional)
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground all-spice (this shit is optional)
Here's the shit I used.

Here’s the shit I used.

How to make this shit:

  1. Neatly place all the ingredients in a bowl.
Well, I fucked this picture up. Let me try again...

Well, I fucked this picture up. Let me try again…

2. I said NEATLY place all the ingredients in the bowl. Once you have neatly placed the ingredients in the bowl, you can mix them up.

Here are all the ingredients laid out for your to see in case you don't know what they look like. Now this is picture-fuckin'-sque.

Here are all the ingredients laid out for you to see in case you don’t know what they look like. Now this is picture-fuckin’-sque.

3. To really grind up the ingredients, place them, a cup at a time, in a blender.

This powder is green as shit.

This powder is green as shit.

4. Take it out of a blender and put it in a container.

FAQs

Q: What do I did with this powder shit?

A: Mix about 2 tablespoons of the powder in 8 ounces of hot water.

Q: How do I make this shit creamier?

A: Only mix the powder in 4 ounces of hot water, and then add 4 ounces of delicious milk. (Tit Tip: Coconut and flax milk are tastiest.)

Q: How do I make this shit super MEGA creamy?

A: Mix the powder in half hot water and milk, and add a spoonful or two of coconut cream. It is sure to make you wonderfully fat.

Awww yisss... Look at that creamy swirl. LOOK AT THE FUCKIN' CREAMY SWIRL!

Awww yisss… Look at that creamy swirl. LOOK AT THE FUCKIN’ CREAMY SWIRL!

__________

Advertisements

Quick & Easy Vegan Queso Dip: For the Lazy Fuckers

2 Feb

I’m not sure how the rest of the stupid world works, but in Texas cheese dip with some salsa in it is referred to as “queso”. This always seemed strange to me, since queso translates to cheese. I think white people just want to pretend they know Spanish and understand the plights of peoples of color and immigrants by demonstrating the one non-English word they know.

I worked at a shitty Tex-Mex restaurant for about four and a half years, so I basically have a bachelor’s degree in white people being proud of themselves for (mis)pronouncing one Spanish word at dinner. As you can tell, I am not at all bitter about spending many of my younger years waiting tables for cheap, white assholes.

Anyways, this queso (or cheese dip) is better than any Tex-Mex queso I’ve ever had, and because it is vegan you don’t have to feel bad about stealing milk from a baby cow. (I needed to get one vegan guilt trip in this post, right? Otherwise, what kind of vegan would I be? Answer: a shitty one.)

The shit you’ll need:

  • 1/2 cup of brown rice flour
  • 1/2 cup of nutritional yeast (nooch!)
  • 1 teaspoon of garlic salt (or powder)
  • 2 teaspoons of salt
  • 2 teaspoons of smoked paprika
  • 2-4 tablespoons of regular ol’ yellow mustard
  • 4 tablespoons of vegan butter
  • 2 cups of non-dairy milk of your choice
  • 2 cups of salsa of your choice

How to make this shit:

  1. Mix the brown rice flour, nooch, garlic, salt, and paprika in a large-ish pot or deep pan.
Labeled it in case you don't know what this shit is supposed to look like.

Labeled it in case you don’t know what this shit is supposed to look like.

2. Add the milk and stir with a whisk on low heat.

Mmmmm...looks appetizing...?

Mmmmm…looks appetizing…?

3. Not done yet. Keep whisking away. It will be ready when all the lil’ fuckin’ lumps are gone and this shit is smooth.

Not done yet, you lazy fucker.

Not done yet, you lazy fucker.

4. Now this shit looks smooth.

Smooth as fuck.

Smooth as fuck.

5. Add in the vegan butter and continue mixing until it is all melted. You’ll notice that the dip gets thicker as the butter melts.

If you want to be less fat, you can add in half the butter and get the same delicious sauce.

If you want to be less fat, you can add in half the butter and get the same delicious sauce.

6. Now add some salsa.

Dump in the best damn salsa you can find!

Dump in the best damn salsa you can find!

7. This is where you can add the mustard to give it a tangy taste.

This is supposed to be where you can see the mustard...but...you can't. Meh, you know what mustard looks like.

This is supposed to be where you can see the mustard…but…you can’t. Meh, you know what mustard looks like.

8. Place a tortilla chip in the finished product to taste test. Be sure to move the chip around like a shark. Then feel guilty about eating the chip that you have anthropomorphized into a shark.

A lonely tortilla chip in a sea of delicious vegan cheese dip.

A lonely tortilla chip in a sea of delicious vegan cheese dip.

Use this as a dip for chips, crackers, or veggies. It also works on tacos, tamales, black beans, cats, and for an interesting mac n’ cheese sauce. It’ll probably last in your fridge for a while, but I’ve never been able to keep around longer than a week.

Put it on some shit! Or beans. Beans will most likely taste better. 

Put it on some shit! Or beans. Beans will most likely taste better.

TitTips – Make This Shit Even Better:

  • Put some dried mushrooms in a blender and blend that shit into a fine powder. About half a cup of dried mushroom powder will give this dip an extra layer of wonderful flavor. Mix it in after you mix in the salsa.
  • Ferment it! This is actually very easy. Mix in some (a few tablespoons to half a cup) fermented salsa, kimchi juice, or some other tasty fermented brine. Then, put in an airtight container, and leave it in a closet or something for 3 to 5 days. You’ll know it worked if the shit you made starts to bubble.
  • Get less fat by using half the amount of butter. I just tried it this way and it still tastes fucktacular.
  • Make it with no added, unnecessary fat by omitting the butter and adding 1/4 a teaspoon of xantham gum and and extra half a cup of non-dairy milk.

__________