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How to be the Life of the Garden Party: Make Fancy Dicks

3 May

Recently I was invited to my first garden party. I was shocked and fuckin’ flattered. The only thing I knew about garden parties was that people wear fancy hats.

What would I make for such a classy event? Thinking back to the fancy hats my mind naturally drifted to dick-shaped cookies with fancy hats.

Instructions:

Step 1: Be sure to sketch out a few ideas on paper before you commit it to a cookie someone is going to put in their mouth. Most people don’t like putting any ol’ dick in their mouth.

One piece of advice I can offer is to not sketch this out in the notebook you use at your place of employment. A loose leaf sheet of paper kept in the privacy of your home will suffice.

It all starts with inappropriate sketches.

It all starts with inappropriate sketches.

Step 2: Make the best fuckin’ cookie dough. Then flatten the dough and cut out a dick with a fancy hat. I started with a dick cookie cutter and then used a sharp knife to carve the hat out around the heads.

You could also draw out a dick with a fancy hat on cardstock, cut the dick out, and then use it as a stencil with a sharp knife to make your dicks uniform.

Hats off to you, fancy dick!

Hats off to you, fancy dick!

Step 3: Decorate your fancy dicks. It’s always best to decorate piecemeal, so each piece can dry before you start on the next.

Decorate your dicks extra fancy!

Decorate your dicks extra fancy!

Step 4: Take fucktacular pictures of your fancy dicks. I’m glad I made these fancy dicks just in time for bluebonnet season. These fancy dicks are truely Texans.

A fancy couple in a small field of bluebonnets.

A fancy couple in a small field of bluebonnets.

 

Nice enough for an eHarmony profile picture.

Nice enough for an eHarmony profile picture. I’d date this dick.

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Dicks aren’t just for the bedroom and garden parties! Here are a few neat dicks you can make for several occasions:

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Dicks for Grads!

27 Apr

Do you have friends or family that are graduating soon? Wondering what to get that cocky grad? A dick!

Here are a couple of fucktacular recipes you should use to make your grad cocks:

The shit you’ll need for the grad decorations:

  • Vegan white chocolate chips
  • Vegan semi-sweet chocolate chips
  • Graduation candy molds
  • Coconut oil (or other oil of your choosing)
  • Food colors of your choosing

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Make your dicks from the recipes above, or use your own sturdy cookie recipe. (Remember, your dicks will need to be hard to hold the candy decorations you’ll be putting on them. Hard dicks only.)
  2. Don’t forget to have a bit of cheeky fun while making your dick cookies.
Get creative.

Get creative.

3. Make a giant pile of dicks because making a giant pile of dicks is more impressive than making a small pile of dicks.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

4. Clean off the grad molds.

We both know your friend isn't the #1 grad, but they'll feel like it with some dick (cookies) in their mouth.

We both know your friend isn’t the #1 grad, but they’ll feel like it with some dick (cookies) in their mouth.

5. Melt some white chocolate with a little bit of oil, and mix in a few drops of the food coloring of your choice.

6. Start with your first color. Let that first color harden. TitTip: It hardens faster in the fridge.

I did this with my cock. 

I did this with my cock.

7. Add on your next color to fill the mold, and let that shit harden.

8. Make a fuckton of these little candies because you have a lot of grad cocks.

I'm pretty shitty at lighting and taking pictures. The right is a pile of grad hats on a black plate. 

I’m pretty shitty at lighting and taking pictures. The right is a pile of grad hats on a black plate.

9. Use a bit of melty chocolate as glue to keep the candies on the cocks.

Now your lil' cock looks successful. 

Now your lil’ cock looks successful.

10. Put all of your cookies in a giant container and marvel at all the cocks you created.

So many dicks! How many can you fit in your mouth at once?!

So many dicks! How many can you fit in your mouth at once?!

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Spicy Chocolate Cocks: Cram it in Your Cock Hole!

13 Apr

FYFI: If you don’t want to make these cookies shaped like cocks, you don’t have to. You can also make them shaped like a vagnia, butt, or breasts. Or like a star or snowflake or something lame like that.

The Shit You’ll Need:

  • 2 flax eggs or Vegan Eggs (because eating chicken eggs is fucked up)
  • 1 cup of vegan butter, softened (I use soy-free Earth Balance.)
  • 3/4 cup of organic granulated sugar
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla
  • 1 cup of cocoa powder
  • 3 cups of gluten-free flour blend (I use mother fuckin’ Pamela’s.)
  • 3/4 teaspoon of Xanthan Gum
  • 2 teaspoons of baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 4 tablespoons of chili flakes (If you are a little bitch, and can’t take heat you can leave this out.)
  • 4 teaspoons of ground cinnamon
  • 2 teaspoons of ground ginger
  • * for extra spicy cocks add 2 teaspoons of cayenne pepper

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Make the flax eggs or the Vegan Eggs, as directed. To make the flax eggs, mix two tablespoons of ground flaxseed and four tablespoons of water and let that shit sit for 5 to 10 minutes in a fridge. This makes two flax eggs. Set this shit to the side.
  2. Beat the sugar and softened butter Until that shit is creamed.
  3. Then, add in the flax eggs (or Vegan Eggs) and vanilla.
  4. Slowly add in the cocoa powder. If you do it too fast, that powder will get all over the fuckin’ place. Don’t be a messy fucker.
  5. Mix the flour, xanthan gum, baking powder, and salt, and slowly add this to the rest of the mixture.
  6. Cover and pack this shit up and put it in the fridge for at least an hour, or overnight.
  7. Roll out the dough to about 1/4 inch thickness and cut out some dicks.
These soft, unbaked cocks are about to get hard!

These soft, unbaked cocks are about to get hard!

8. Put the dicks in the oven for about 10-15 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

Firm dicks are the best dicks.

Firm dicks are the best dicks.

9. When your dicks are hard, you’ll know they are done.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

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So many dicks:

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Inauguration Day 2017: Grab Some Pussy

19 Jan

Several (million) US citizens have been feeling powerless over our next president, but I suggest grabbing your power back by grabbing some pussy in a very dissimilar way to what our soon-to-be-president advises. How can you grab your power back? By making pussy cookies and grabbing them, of course! Devouring the Trump cat cookies will give you magical pussy grabbing abilities.

Use these easy to follow steps to construct your Trump pussy cookies:

  1. Follow the best damn sugar cookies recipe, which is vegan, gluten-free, and sturdy as fuck.
  2. Arrange your pussy cookie cutters for no other reason than to incite jealousy in one of your faithful feline companions.
Neglecting a cat to make cat cookies. He's probably going to kill me in my fuckin' sleeping, while purring the entire time.

Neglecting a cat to make cat cookies. He’s probably going to kill me in my fuckin’ sleeping, while purring the entire time.

3. Roll out that dough on some waxed paper and cut out some pussies.

Making pussy, so I can grab it!

Making pussy, so I can grab it!

4. Grab those pussies shapes up and slap them down on a pan with parchment paper. Bonus Pussy Grabbing Points: elicit disapproving stares from another feline companion.

Bonus Pussy Grabbing Points: elicit disapproving stares from another feline companion.

Bonus Pussy Grabbing Points: elicit disapproving stares from another feline companion.

5. Bake the pussy cookies, and let that shit cool.

6. Make your favorite pussy colors in incing form.

A rainbow of pussy colors!

A rainbow of pussy colors!

7. Decorate your pussies. I even gave mine horrible Trump wigs.

These cats are very shiny and bright, which is the exact opposite of the future of the USA.

These cats are very shiny and bright, which is the exact opposite of the future of the USA.

8. If you made way too much icing, like I always do, put that shit in your compost. Or you can eat it, fatty.

Delicious, diabetes-filled compost.

Delicious, diabetes-filled compost.

9. Let the pussies dry for a few hours to overnight. The icing will harden and get less shiny.

Imagine these pussies climbing a giant border wall.

Imagine these pussies climbing a giant border wall.

Originally, I wanted to make all different color cats: brown tabbies, black cats, grey cats. However, I made the orange tabbies, and they seem fuckin’ purrfect for Trump cats. They are orange and look like they used some splotchy spray tan, just like the president-elect.

Pussy cookie or US president?

Pussy cookie or US president?

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The Best Damn Sugar Cookies: Sturdy, Vegan, and Gluten-Free

22 Dec

I have made a fuckton of cookies of different shapes and sizes. The most common shape and size are large dicks, but don’t take my word for it. Here they are for your viewing pleasure:

All these wonderful cookies were made from a random recipe I found on the Interwebs. I have made the recipe even more fucktacular over the years, and I will now share it with you because you deserve a tasty cookie full of diabetes.

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The shit you’ll need for the cookie:

  • 1 cup of vegan butter (I use soy-free Earth Balance.)
  • 1 cup of organic granulated sugar
  • 2 flax eggs* or Vegan Eggs
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla
  • 3 cups of gluten-free flour blend (I use mother fuckin’ Pamela’s.)
  • 3/4 teaspoon of Xanthan Gum
  • 2 teaspoons of baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon of salt

The shit you’ll need for the icing:

  • 1 cup of organic powdered sugar
  • 2 teaspoons of water
  • 2 teaspoons of clear syrup (I use this shit.)
  • 1/4 teaspoon of almond extract
  • Food coloring of your choice

Make some fuckin’ cookies:

    1. In a large mixing bowl, cream the fuck out of the butter and sugar.
    2. Make the vegan or flax eggs. If using the Vegan Eggs, prepare it according to the package. Use the following instructions to make flax eggs:
      • Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
      • Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
      • If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.
      • This make 1 egg equivalent, so you’ll need twice this much for this recipe.
    3. Beat in the vegan (or flax) eggs and vanilla.
    4. Mix in the xanthan gum, baking powder, and salt.
    5. Then, slowly mix in the flour. If you mix more than a cup at a time that shit will go all over your kitchen.
    6. Chill that shit in the fridge, overnight. (Plan ahead, bitch.)
    7. When ready to bake, preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
    8. Roll out the dough and cut into your desired shapes. I prefer dicks, but you can pick whatever lame shape you want. Probably hearts or some other dumb shit.
    9. Place the shapes on the pan about an inch or two apart and bake for 10-15 minutes or until they are lightly golden.
    10. Be sure this shit is completely cool before you try to apply the fuckin’ icing.
Vegan eggs on the left and flax eggs on the right. This shit looks pretty gross, but tastes pretty fuckin' good.

Vegan eggs on the left and flax eggs on the right. This shit looks pretty gross, but tastes pretty fuckin’ good.

The dough labeled "Fuck" is with flax eggs and the dough that is not labeled "Fuck" is with vegan eggs.

The dough labeled “Fuck” is with flax eggs and the dough that is not labeled “Fuck” is with vegan eggs.

Here's a fuckton of cookies I've made.

Here’s a fuckton of cookies I’ve made.

How to make the icing:

      1. Stir the powdered sugar and water together until it is smooth as fuck.
      2. Add your clear syrup and almond extract. Mix until it is glossy. If the icing is too thick add more syrup.
      3. Divide your icing into bowls and mix in the food coloring. You can dip the cookies or write on them.
      4. This shit will dry out quickly, so use it fast or cover with a moist cloth to keep from drying out.
Here's some shit I've decorated. Yes, I even made cookies that weren't penis shaped for a 2 year old's Paw Patrol birthday party. I still don't know what the shit "Paw Patrol" is.

Here’s some shit I’ve decorated. Yes, I even made cookies that weren’t penis shaped for a 2 year old’s Paw Patrol birthday party. I still don’t know what the shit “Paw Patrol” is.

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