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Tag Archives: Vegan

How to Make Carrots Unhealthy: Carrot Cupcakes

15 Jun

A cake made of carrots must be healthy as fuck, right? Wrong, asshole!

The Shit You Will Need:

  • 4 flax eggs (4 tablespoons of ground flaxseed and 1/2 cup of water)
  • 1 pound of carrots (get the colorful ones for shits n’ giggles)
  • 2 1/2 cup of flour (gluten-free flour works too)
  • 1 teaspoon each of baking powder and soda
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1 tablespoon of ground cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon each of ground nutmeg, cloves, and ginger
  • 1 cup of granulated sugar
  • 1 cup of light brown sugar
  • 3/4 cup of coconut oil, melted
  • 1 cup of chopped pecans or walnuts

How To Make This Shit:

  1. Make the flax eggs by mixing the flaxseed and water. Place in a fridge for a few minutes, and then mix again. Once it is thick, that shit is ready to go.
  2. Peel and shred the fuck out of the carrots.
Get the colorful carrots for shits n' giggles.

Get the colorful carrots for shits n’ giggles.

3. Combine the flour, baking soda and powder, salt, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and nutmeg.

4. Add the carrots you shredded the fuck out of to the flour.

Colorful shit here.

Colorful shit here.

5. In a food processor, or with a mixer, mix the sugars and flax eggs until that shit is light n’ frothy as fuck.

6. Slowly add the oil to the mixture, until it is combined.

7. Mix this shit in with the carrot-flour mixture, until combined.

8. Add the nuts (*giggles about nuts*), but only if you fuckin’ feel like it.

9. Fill cupcake tins about 3/4 full.

10. Bake for about 15-20 minutes. (Or 30-40 minutes for a 9-inch cake.) A toothpick should come out clean as fuck when inserted in the middle and they should be a lil’ brown.

This batter is fuckin' thick!

This batter is fuckin’ thick!

Mmmm...nuts.

Mmmm…nuts.

11. Add some vegan cream cheese icing. Tittip: For extra flavor you can add some ground cinnamon and ginger to the icing.

Pretend you know how to decorate cupcakes!

Pretend you know how to decorate cupcakes!

Mother Fuckin’ Memories:

One of the first cakes I made was a carrot cake:

This cake looks like shit, but it came from a good place: my fuckin' heart.

This cake looks like shit, but it came from a good place: my fuckin’ heart.

Now I have a better grasp of color contrast.

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Vegan Cream Cheese Icing 2 Ways

25 May

Are you sad because cream cheese icing isn’t vegan? Well, unfuck yourself and get happy because vegan cream cheese icing is not only possible but totally tits.

There are two ways to make this vegan shit. Each way is based on your level of laziness:

  1. For the Lazy Fuckers: There are less ingredients this way.
  2. For the Slightly Less Lazy Fuckers: Requires more ingredients and measuring, but it’s still pretty fuckin’ easy.
Use vegan cream cheese icing to write inspirational shit in perfect handwriting.

Use vegan cream cheese icing to write inspirational shit in perfect handwriting.

Way 1 – The Shit the Lazy Fuckers Will Need: 

  • 1/2 cup vegan butter, softened
  • 8 oz of vegan cream cheese, softened
  • 3-4 cups of powdered sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Way 2 – The Shit the Slightly Less Lazy Fuckers Will Need: 

  • 1 cup of vegan butter, softened
  • 3-4 cups of powdered sugar
  • 1-3 tablespoons of vegan milk
  • 1/2 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon of lemon juice
  • 1/4 teaspoon of salt

Making This Shit (Both Type of Fuckers):

  1. Cream the cream cheese and butter (or just butter, if you are a slightly less lazy fucker).
  2. Put the remaining ingredients in the fuckin’ bowl and mix that shit until it is smooth.

TitTips:

  • For both recipes, slowly add the powdered sugar to get the icing consistency you want. More powdered sugar = thicker icing.
  • For both recipes, add more milk if you make it too fuckin’ thick. You shouldn’t need milk if you are a lazy fucker, but just in case you fuck this shit up and somehow make it too thick…
I use Kite Hill, which is way better than any cream cheese shit made from milk meant for a baby cow.

I use Kite Hill, which is way better than any cream cheese shit made from milk meant for a baby cow.

Mix that shit.

Mix that shit.

So fuckin' smooth.

So fuckin’ smooth.

Put that shit on carrot cupcakes. Or a spoon. Or your finger.

Put that shit on carrot cupcakes. Or a spoon. Or your finger.

Watch and take pictures as your cat rudely steals your icing. No reason to stop him...

Watch and take pictures as your cat rudely steals your icing. No reason to stop him…

__________

Peanut Butter Bars In 6 Easy-As-Fuck Steps

11 May

<Insert long-ass story about these peanut butter bars curing my cockatoo’s cancer AND my grandfather’s erectile dysfunction.>

You are going to want to eat this fucktacular shit everyday damn day!

The Shit Needed:

  • 1 16oz jar of peanut butter (no added sugar or oil)
  • 1/4 cup liquid sweetener (maple syrup, agave, or I use VitaFiber)
  • 1/2 cup coconut flour
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 cup vegan chocolate chips (OR 1 cup of baking chocolate and 1/3 cup of sweetener to make this shit sugar-free)

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Mix 1 cup of peanut butter, the sweetener, vanilla, and the coconut flour until thoroughly combined.
  2. Press that shit in an 8×8 inch pan, preferably with some waxed paper so it comes out easy.
  3. Then put that shit in the fridge.
Bear is displeased with this pitiful offering.

Bear is displeased with this pitiful offering.

4. Now melt the chocolate chips, or baking chocolate and sweetener (I use xylitol) with the remaining peanut butter (about half a cup) until that shit is smooth.

Melt that shit!

Melt that shit!

Keep melting that shit!

Keep melting that shit!

You're not done yet, fucker!

You’re not done yet, fucker!

This shit still isn't smooth.

This shit still isn’t smooth.

It could be a little fuckin' smoother.

It could be a little fuckin’ smoother.

Not yet, shithead.

Not yet, shithead.

Now it's finally melted and smooth as fuck.

Now it’s finally melted and smooth as fuck.

5. Pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

Artfully pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

Artfully pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

6. Put that shit in the fridge for a couple of hours until it is set, and then cut that shit into squares.

A mother fuckin' tower of peanut butter bars!

A mother fuckin’ tower of peanut butter bars!

Tower of peanut butter bars to offer the sleeping cat.

Tower of peanut butter bars to offer the sleeping cat.

__________

Dicks for Grads!

27 Apr

Do you have friends or family that are graduating soon? Wondering what to get that cocky grad? A dick!

Here are a couple of fucktacular recipes you should use to make your grad cocks:

The shit you’ll need for the grad decorations:

  • Vegan white chocolate chips
  • Vegan semi-sweet chocolate chips
  • Graduation candy molds
  • Coconut oil (or other oil of your choosing)
  • Food colors of your choosing

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Make your dicks from the recipes above, or use your own sturdy cookie recipe. (Remember, your dicks will need to be hard to hold the candy decorations you’ll be putting on them. Hard dicks only.)
  2. Don’t forget to have a bit of cheeky fun while making your dick cookies.
Get creative.

Get creative.

3. Make a giant pile of dicks because making a giant pile of dicks is more impressive than making a small pile of dicks.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

4. Clean off the grad molds.

We both know your friend isn't the #1 grad, but they'll feel like it with some dick (cookies) in their mouth.

We both know your friend isn’t the #1 grad, but they’ll feel like it with some dick (cookies) in their mouth.

5. Melt some white chocolate with a little bit of oil, and mix in a few drops of the food coloring of your choice.

6. Start with your first color. Let that first color harden. TitTip: It hardens faster in the fridge.

I did this with my cock. 

I did this with my cock.

7. Add on your next color to fill the mold, and let that shit harden.

8. Make a fuckton of these little candies because you have a lot of grad cocks.

I'm pretty shitty at lighting and taking pictures. The right is a pile of grad hats on a black plate. 

I’m pretty shitty at lighting and taking pictures. The right is a pile of grad hats on a black plate.

9. Use a bit of melty chocolate as glue to keep the candies on the cocks.

Now your lil' cock looks successful. 

Now your lil’ cock looks successful.

10. Put all of your cookies in a giant container and marvel at all the cocks you created.

So many dicks! How many can you fit in your mouth at once?!

So many dicks! How many can you fit in your mouth at once?!

__________

Spicy Chocolate Cocks: Cram it in Your Cock Hole!

13 Apr

FYFI: If you don’t want to make these cookies shaped like cocks, you don’t have to. You can also make them shaped like a vagnia, butt, or breasts. Or like a star or snowflake or something lame like that.

The Shit You’ll Need:

  • 2 flax eggs or Vegan Eggs (because eating chicken eggs is fucked up)
  • 1 cup of vegan butter, softened (I use soy-free Earth Balance.)
  • 3/4 cup of organic granulated sugar
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla
  • 1 cup of cocoa powder
  • 3 cups of gluten-free flour blend (I use mother fuckin’ Pamela’s.)
  • 3/4 teaspoon of Xanthan Gum
  • 2 teaspoons of baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 4 tablespoons of chili flakes (If you are a little bitch, and can’t take heat you can leave this out.)
  • 4 teaspoons of ground cinnamon
  • 2 teaspoons of ground ginger
  • * for extra spicy cocks add 2 teaspoons of cayenne pepper

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Make the flax eggs or the Vegan Eggs, as directed. To make the flax eggs, mix two tablespoons of ground flaxseed and four tablespoons of water and let that shit sit for 5 to 10 minutes in a fridge. This makes two flax eggs. Set this shit to the side.
  2. Beat the sugar and softened butter Until that shit is creamed.
  3. Then, add in the flax eggs (or Vegan Eggs) and vanilla.
  4. Slowly add in the cocoa powder. If you do it too fast, that powder will get all over the fuckin’ place. Don’t be a messy fucker.
  5. Mix the flour, xanthan gum, baking powder, and salt, and slowly add this to the rest of the mixture.
  6. Cover and pack this shit up and put it in the fridge for at least an hour, or overnight.
  7. Roll out the dough to about 1/4 inch thickness and cut out some dicks.
These soft, unbaked cocks are about to get hard!

These soft, unbaked cocks are about to get hard!

8. Put the dicks in the oven for about 10-15 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

Firm dicks are the best dicks.

Firm dicks are the best dicks.

9. When your dicks are hard, you’ll know they are done.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

__________

So many dicks:

__________