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Tag Archives: Cookie Cake

The Best Fuckin’ Chocolate Chip Cookies

24 Apr

You asked for the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies recipe, and now I’m finally giving it to you. This is a recipe I’ve modified from an old lady cookbook (Crocker, 1978) that I’ve been using since I was a tiny, lil’ fucker.

The Best Fuckin’ Ingredients

  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
  • 1/3 cup of vegan butter, softened
  • 1/3 cup of shortening (That’s right: More fat for the diabeetus lovers out there.)
  • 1 flax egg* (See the note at the end of this shit.)
  • 1 teaspoon of awesome vanilla extract (Don’t use the shitty store brand.)
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 2-4 fuckin’ handfuls of semi-sweet chocolate chips (I use this brand because it pleases most of the shitheads with dietary restrictions, and still tastes fucktacular.)

Mix This Shit Up

Throw the first 6 fuckin’ ingredients into a bowl.

TipTip: Don’t put the vegan butter in the microwave to soften it, like a fuckhead. Just let it sit on the counter for few minutes to get it to room temperature. Have some mother fuckin’ foresight, asshole. Your diabeetus can wait a few extra minutes.

Then, mix the shit out of your ingredients (for a minute or two), until it looks like the picture below. Scrape the bowl down at least once during this process to make sure all the fuckin’ ingredients are nicely mixed.

I can already taste the diabeetus.

I can already taste the diabeetus.

Now, mix in the salt and baking soda. Then, slowly mix in the flour. Don’t throw a fuckton of flour in the bowl at once. You’ll make a huge mess, dickhead. Remember to constantly  scrape the side of the bowl to fully mix all the ingredients, which should take about 5 minutes.

When you have mixed all the ingredients, add in your chocolate chips. I always stock up on chocolate chips, so I never measure the amount of chocolate chips I put in this recipe. I think this assists in maximizing the probability of diabeetus.

Mix in the fuckin' chocolate chips!

Mix in the fuckin’ chocolate chips!

Check out the picture! That is what your dough should fuckin’ look like. Now put that shit into the fridge for at least an hour before you start baking. You can also leave it in the fridge for a couple of days and nom on it before baking.

BTFW: When using the flax egg, you can eat as much as the dough as you want, since you don’t have to worry about getting the shits from eating raw chicken eggs. I heart eating the nommy dough.

Look at this delicious shit!

Look at this delicious shit!

Bake The Fuck Out of These Cookies

  1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees F.
  2. Put parchment paper down on some fuckin’ baking trays.
  3. Grab your dough from the fridge, and throw that shit down on the pan in masses that are about an inch big and a couple of inches apart.
Throw this shit down on your pan. 

Throw this shit down on your pan.

4. Let it bake in the oven for about 5-8 minutes, or until you see a little bit of brown on the outside. Too much brown and that shit will be crunchy. If you are saying to yourself, “But I like crunchy chocolate chip cookies…” Why would you want crunchy chocolate chip cookies? You might as well just buy some nasty Chips Ahoy.

Cookies fresh out of the fuckin' oven. This shit needs to cool down. 

Cookies fresh out of the fuckin’ oven. This shit needs to cool down.

5. Now let that shit cool before you stick it in your mouth, Fatty.

Finished cookies, bitches.

Finished cookies, bitches.

Make A Big Ass Cookie

First, acquire a pizza pan with the holes in the bottom. Then, take out a bunch of dough and try to make the most symmetrical circle possible. Make sure the dough is even throughout (if you have big lumps of dough it won’t bake fully). Also, make sure there are a few inches to spare from the side of the pan, otherwise that shit will spread over the edge.

A big ass circle of dough.

A big ass circle of dough.

You’ll have to watch it, but I bake my giant cookies for about 15 minutes. It may look a little bit underdone in the middle, but that’s okay. If you let it stay in too long, it will get all burnt and taste shitty.

Fully baked big ass cookie!

Fully baked big ass cookie!

Then, get some Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze and decorate your cookie. Maybe you could just drip pieces of the big ass cookie into the icing. Or do whatever you fuckin’ want.

Write something clever on your big ass cookie. Or at least write something...

Write something clever on your big ass cookie. Or at least write something…

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*How to Make a Flax Egg:

  1. Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
  2. Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
  3. If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.

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Cake Fuck-Ups: Part Dos

27 Mar

I’ve already committed several baking fuck-ups, but there is always room to learn more by fuckin’ some more shit up. Here are some recent fuck-ups:

Fuck-Up #1: Not setting the timer and burning shit.

I thought I set the timer, but then I smelled the burning. TitTip: Don’t be a shithead and always double-check to make sure you set your timer correctly.

There are many ways to burn baked goods, if that’s what you are into… I bet that’s some sort of porn I haven’t stumbled upon yet: people of all shapes and sizes rubbing burnt, still warm cookies on their genitals. I could get into that. Just imagine a cunt covered in burnt oatmeal raisin goo, or a cock dipped in an overcooked, crumbly shortbread mess. The thought of that just made me fizz all over my keyboard.

Those aren't double chocolate chip cookies on the left. I burnt the shit out of those cookies.

Those aren’t double chocolate chip cookies on the left. I burnt the shit out of those cookies.

Fuck-Up #2: Not letting a cake cool long enough and destroying your shit.

The reason you are supposed to wait a few minutes for a cake to completely cool is so it will easily slide out of a pan in one shittacular piece. I totally fucked up this cake, but it was okay, since it was for a couple of assholes.

Shit. I didn't wait for the cake to cool long enough. Fuck Sticks.

Shit. I didn’t wait for the cake to cool long enough. Fuck Sticks.

Fuck-up #3: Pushing too much icing out at once, like a fuckhead.

When you are decorating a cake, be careful to not get fuckin’ crazy and squeeze too much icing at once and cause a mess. Sometimes it is very easy to cover or clean up a mess, and other times it is not. In this case, I could not clean it up, but it didn’t matter because the people consuming the cookie cake were totally drunk.

Shit Tits! No, I literally got this shit on my tits.

Shit Tits! No, I literally got this shit on my tits.

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Keep a Fuckin’ Resolution in 2014

2 Jan

Similar to a lot of people, I drank a lot last year on New Year’s Eve, which resulted in events on this cake. This year I resolved that the same thing would not happen, so I wrote it on a cookie cake and brought it with me to my party destination.

I was really hoping the party would be filled with familiar faces, so I could have puked in front of people I knew.

I was really hoping the party would be filled with familiar faces, so I could have puked in front of people I knew.

My favorite part of this cookie cake: The shittily overdone decorations.

FYFI: I started off trying to make this look genuinely fucktacular, but failed, obviously. The lesson: If you start decorating a cake without a plan your cake will probably look like a clumsy penisaurus rex decorated it. <INSERT JOKE ABOUT THE TIP. Because cake decorating involves tips and a cock has a tip. Get it?>

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Hey, cunts, check out some more cookie cakes I’ve made:

  1. Instructions to construct a dicktacular cookie cake that will give your friends diabeetus.
  2. Make a cookie cake for ‘MURICA!
  3. Divorced? Celebrate with a cookie cake.

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Place Cupcakes on Cookie to Improve Chances of Diabeetus

14 Nov

Remember when the Invalid Argument meme was big? This is the product of trying to make that meme into dessert form.

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If I could have place all this shit inside a pie my life would have been complete.

TitTip: See the yellow paper in the top left corner? That’s right, I write everything out on paper first to make sure I don’t fuck that shit up on my fucktacular desserts.

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Cookies and Broken Homes

25 Jul

I had to move out of my two-bedroom apartment and into a one-bedroom apartment when I got the Big D. (In this case, Big D means divorce, not huge dick. I wish there were a huge dick involved. By huge dick I mean penis, not someone who is acting like a big cock.)

I had a few fucktacular friends who helped me move all my stuff, so I made this cookie cake for them.

Cookie cakes make divorce so worth it. 

Cookie cakes make divorce so worth it.

I put a smiley face on it, so everyone knew we were having a good time.

Contact me for Divorce Party catering.

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