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Tag Archives: rainbows

I Can Fly Twice As High: Dick-Shaped Hot Air Balloon Cookies

17 Jul

Dicktacular Baking Inspiration

The day someone shared penispans.com with me my life was forever changed for the better. From that moment forward I wanted to create something fucktacular a with a phallic baking accessory that would be perceived as something more than just a dick.

I found out friends of mine were having a birthday party for their bad-ass one-year-old, and the theme was hot air balloons. “Holy fuck!” I shouted, as I grabbed my novelty penis cookie cutter and set myself to sketching out a sweet, dick-shaped hot air balloon.

Dicktacular Plans! Yes, this type of thing is just laying around in my apartment all the time. 

Dicktacular Plans! Yes, this type of thing is just laying around in my apartment all the time.

BTFW: If you are thinking: “Hey, this isn’t appropriate for a one-year old’s birthday party! What the fuck is wrong with this bitch?” That is a perfectly normal thing to think. However, please keep in mind:

  1. The kid is one, so she’ll have no idea these are dicks.
  2. Any other kids who see these would have no idea they are chewing on some nommy cocks.
  3. I made other non-dick shaped cookies, so if my friends didn’t want these special cookies out for their kiddo’s party they didn’t have to put them out. When I sent these to my friends, I even threw in some of the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies because I’m thoughtful as fuck.
  4. You’re boring! Don’t be such a prude, fucker.

Cookie Cock Construction

I had to do all the regular cookie making shit: mix an assload of dough, cut out a fuckton of shapes (ex: dicks, rainbows, etc.), and then bake that shit.

Some baked dicks.

Some baked dicks.

Now comes the part that only a master cookie decorator could complete: making the dicks resemble hot air balloons.

Just fuckin’ with you! It’s not hard. Even a fuckhead could do it, so give it a try, fuckhead.

This is how you make dicks look like hot air balloons

This is how you make dicks look like hot air balloons

Be Fuckin’ Careful!

Be careful with this shit! These dicks are soft and break easily.

Story of my life: dick breaking.

Story of my life: dick breaking.

I never cry over a broken dick; I repurpose it.

Building something out of a broken dick.

Building something out of a broken dick.

Hot Air Balloon Dick Cookies

Here are the fucktacular products of my labors.

This shit is colorful.

This shit is colorful.

What a lovely day for a ride in a hot air balloon that's shaped like a dick.

What a lovely day for a ride in a hot air balloon that’s shaped like a dick.

Check out all these hot dicks.

Check out all these hot dicks.

Cookie Cock Comic

I made a horrible comic with a broken dick.

Shitty Dick Comic: Part I

Shitty Dick Comic: Part I

Why Would I Buy a Cock Cookie Cutter?

Why wouldn’t everyone buy a fuckin’ cookie cutter that allows them to make dick-shaped cookies? The possibilities with this cookie cutter are mother fuckin’ endless! I’ve made Christmas Cock Cookies and some Valentine’s Day cock cookies with this cookie cutter.

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Valentine’s Day is for Tip Touching

13 Feb

This Valentine’s Day bake some fuckin’ cookies because diabeetus hearts everyone.

Jeebus fish approves of gay unicorn sex.

Jeebus fish approves of gay unicorn sex.

TitTip: Dicks are delicate.

A burnt unicorn broke this delicate cock.

A burnt unicorn broke this delicate cock.

Decorate The Shit Out of Some Cookies Start decorating the cookies. This shit is as easy as 1, 2, 3.

1: Outline the shitty cookies.

1: Outline the shitty cookies.

2: Flood the shitty cookies.

2: Flood the shitty cookies.

3: Write fun, appropriate words on the shitty cookies.

3: Write fun, appropriate words on the shitty cookies.

Setting The Mood Arrange the cookies up in a romantic manner.

Bitches love roses and cookies with sexy messages on them.

Bitches love roses and cookies with sexy messages on them.

If you are wondering why you haven't found true love, it's probably cause you haven't tried anal, you snooty cunt.

If you are wondering why you haven’t found true love, it’s probably cause you haven’t tried anal, you snooty cunt.

Anal fissures are usually caused by tentacles.

Anal fissures are usually caused by tentacles.

If you set the cookies up correctly, you may be lucky enough to participate in some tip touching. Titbit: Tip touching is fucktacular.

It's like Michelangelo made this shit himself.

It’s like Michelangelo made this shit himself.

If you can’t touch tips, then try some…

Probably the best of all the sexes.

Probably the best of all the sexes.

Remember this Valentine’s Day: Don’t be a dick. Eat a dick.

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Re: Kansas State Fair

24 Sep

Here’s a recap of what went down with my entries at the Kansas State Fair, for those paying attention.

Entry Submission

Submission was  uneventful, despite a group of friends claiming “shit was going to go down,” or they would have to bail me out of “state fair jail”.

The old-lady-state-fair-volunteer-workers who took my entries said my items were so “colorful”, and they seemed enthusiastic about my rainbow equality cookies. Perhaps the pride was lost on them because of Kansas’ relationship with The Wizard of OZ? This would only happen in the Midwest, since rainbows are banned in the Deep South.

Judgement

I got some mother fuckin’ ribbons! And one wasn’t just a “thanks for playing” ribbon.

OMJESUS! MOTHER FUCKIN' RIBBONS!

OMJESUS! MOTHER FUCKIN’ RIBBONS!

I wasn’t expecting to win, but one of my cakes got third place in a beginner cake decorator competition.

FYFI: A friend asked me about the stargates on my cakes. It was supposed to be a ferris wheel, but you can see the resemblance. I have an entire year to get better at making ferris wheels. However, I would prefer to keep the stargates and have a sci-fi theme, Kansas State Fair. *cough**nudge*cough*

This is what people who came to the Kansas State Fair saw. You can see my loser cake in the background.

This is what people who came to the Kansas State Fair saw. You can see my loser cake in the background.

My other cake got a fabulous participation ribbon. To my dismay, I discovered that I accidentally switched my cake entries and went over the size restrictions of the other category by one inch. I totally fucked myself, and not in the fun, masturbatory way.

The disparity between the judges’ scores on my nearly identical cakes was lolworthy. One cake (3rd place cake) got a score of 55 and the other got a score of 38 (both out of a total of 80). I noticed that the pair of judges for each cake was different. A difference of opinion? Maybe? I feel like there was something a little more going on there. The judges that gave me 3rd place gave me constructive feedback to help improve my decorating techniques, but the other judges basically said “Y U NO FOLLOW RULES!”.

My scores from the judges. I very subtly scribbled names out.

My scores from the judges. I very subtly scribbled names out.

How to Make an Old Midwestern Lady Cry

Generally, most of the baked goods judging takes place before the fair is open to the public. However, they were still judging entries when I came to check out the competition, and got to see the judges judgingly judge my governor’s cookie jar. The judging took place in a crowded building and the judges are behind an area that is closed off to the public. Guests can only see the judges and not hear what they are saying.

A judge pulled my jar out of the display and all the judges seemed a little amused and smiled at each other a bit. Soon other state fair worker bees (not judges, but fair volunteers) were summoned over to the table.  When there were about six old ladies standing around my jar one of them spotted the pride flag and fanned it out to get a good look at it. At this moment one old lady burst into a fit of laughter and the other ladies were at least smiling or chuckling. After about half a minute of laughter, one old lady reached up towards her eye, pulled her glasses up, and wiped a finger near the edge of her tear duct. I made an old lady cry! From laughter!

The judges repaid the favor with a comment on my cookie jar evaluation sheet: “Jar is a little over decorated – less is better”. My jar was fuckin’ fabulous! If you can’t handle it, then my advice is to “suck it”.

This mission was a success.

Now, I await the announcement of next year’s theme, so I can think of the best way to make more old ladies cry.

My fingers still crossed for a sci-fi theme and more stargates!

__________

Happy Birthday, Kansas State Fair! 100 Fabulous Years!

6 Sep

The Kansas State Fair has baking competitions that invite non-professional bakers to compete for (small) cash prizes and the sweet glory of being a domestic goddess/god. Last year I entered a couple of the cookie baking competitions, and had a lot of fun being a loser.

From last year’s experience I learned: all baking entries are on display in the Domestic Arts building for the entirety of the state fair, which is about two weeks. Even if you lose everyone can see your baked goods on display. This gave me a shittacular idea for this year.

2013 Kansas State Fair Entries

Besides entering in a few cookie and chocolate cake competitions, I entered in two cake decorating competitions, and a special category called “The Governor’s Cookie Jar”.

Both of the cake decorating competitions had a theme of “Happy 100th Birthday, Kansas State Fair”. I didn’t want to break the rules, so I used the theme but twisted that shit a bit.

FYFI: Kansas is a conservative state with an ultra conservative governor, Sam Brownback. (Brownback has backwards views on gay marriage). I stuck with the theme, but picked social issues that: (1) are unresolved in Kansas, and (2) I thought I could depict in cake form.

Here are my two cakes. I used some fondant for the first time for the rainbows.

All families love the shit out of one another.

All families love the shit out of one another.

I’ve only been decorating cakes for less than a year. Act now and you could be making these amazing stick figures in no time!

This cake kept with the birthday-rainbow theme, but was also facing some recent religious inequality of the state, as well.

Wish I had a bigger cake, so I could have put all the religious symbols on the cake.

Wish I had a bigger cake, so I could have put all the religious symbols on the cake.

The other competition called “The Governor’s Cookie Jar”, was much more complicated. I had to have at least 9 varieties of cookies with 5 different types of cookies. If you are counting, that’s a fuckton of cookies! For this competition, you also have a 15 inched cubed area to decorate with the same theme: “Happy 100th Birthday, Kansas State Fair”. I haven’t been this crafty since I was in Girl Scouts, so that’s why it looks like a middle school girl made it.

The fun thing about this competition is that the winner gets to give their jar to the governor. I won’t win, but I have a lot of fun imaging Brownback’s face as I hand it to him. After I hand him the jar, we make a couple of jokes and share an equality cookie.

This is the Governor's Cookie Jar I made because Brownback has a lot of pride in rainbows!

This is the Governor’s Cookie Jar I made because Brownback has a lot of pride in rainbows!

I tried to stick with the rainbow-birthday theme with the ten different kinds of cookies I made for this jar.

So. Much. Fuckin'. Pride.

So. Much. Fuckin’. Pride.

My favorite jar decoration is this Kansas Pride flag I made. I was in San Francisco about a month ago, saw lots of California pride flags, and thought Kansas could use a colorful upgrade.

Make your own Kansas Pride flag! It's so easy a woman with the arts and crafts skills of a middle school girl can do it!

Make your own Kansas Pride flag! It’s so easy a woman with the arts and crafts skills of a middle school girl can do it!

Now I am off to drive about an hour from where I live in Kansas to drop off my creations to be judged by some old people. I think this will be uneventful, but a friend of mine said she is ready to bail me out of “state fair jail” if I get in trouble for the flag.

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