Tag Archives: fabulous

Pussy and Cakes: Part II

22 May

My cats like to nap in the sunlight and eat mother fuckin’ tuna all day until I bring out the mixer and start baking. In Part I, you learned that cats are assholes. In Part II, you’ll learn much of the same shit.

1. Cats don’t give a shit about what recipe you choose.

Why would they fuckin’ care? Can they eat what you are making? Probably, but do they fuckin’ want to eat it? Hell no!

Stop what you are doing, human, and pet the shit out of me!

Stop what you are doing, human, and pet the shit out of me!

2. Cats couldn’t care fuckin’ less about your god-damned ingredients.

“Are you bringing out more cat toys? Catnip? Stinky-ass fish? No. Then, what the fuck is all this noise, cunt. I’m trying to get my 18+ hours of sleep, and I’ve barely gotten 14 so far.”

-My Loving Cats

At least I pay more attention to my cats than my shitty house plant.

At least I pay more attention to my cats than my shitty house plant.

3. Cats LOVE The Cock.

This was a strange thing to discover. I just thought I should share the information with others. Maybe other people have cats with a phallic infatuation.

FYFI: These were some big-ass dick cookie cutters. The biggest one was approximately the length of one sitting, fatass cat, which you can see in the dicktacular picture below.

This pussy love The Cock!

This pussy love The Cock!

4. Pussy fur: Put that shit in everything. 

Cats may act like they hate you, and they really do. How do I know? They get their fuckin’ fur in everything!

Cat fur in cookie dough is not fabulous.

Cat fur in cookie dough is not fabulous.

Pussy loves nothing more than to ruin your fucktacular creations.

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Re: Kansas State Fair

24 Sep

Here’s a recap of what went down with my entries at the Kansas State Fair, for those paying attention.

Entry Submission

Submission was  uneventful, despite a group of friends claiming “shit was going to go down,” or they would have to bail me out of “state fair jail”.

The old-lady-state-fair-volunteer-workers who took my entries said my items were so “colorful”, and they seemed enthusiastic about my rainbow equality cookies. Perhaps the pride was lost on them because of Kansas’ relationship with The Wizard of OZ? This would only happen in the Midwest, since rainbows are banned in the Deep South.

Judgement

I got some mother fuckin’ ribbons! And one wasn’t just a “thanks for playing” ribbon.

OMJESUS! MOTHER FUCKIN' RIBBONS!

OMJESUS! MOTHER FUCKIN’ RIBBONS!

I wasn’t expecting to win, but one of my cakes got third place in a beginner cake decorator competition.

FYFI: A friend asked me about the stargates on my cakes. It was supposed to be a ferris wheel, but you can see the resemblance. I have an entire year to get better at making ferris wheels. However, I would prefer to keep the stargates and have a sci-fi theme, Kansas State Fair. *cough**nudge*cough*

This is what people who came to the Kansas State Fair saw. You can see my loser cake in the background.

This is what people who came to the Kansas State Fair saw. You can see my loser cake in the background.

My other cake got a fabulous participation ribbon. To my dismay, I discovered that I accidentally switched my cake entries and went over the size restrictions of the other category by one inch. I totally fucked myself, and not in the fun, masturbatory way.

The disparity between the judges’ scores on my nearly identical cakes was lolworthy. One cake (3rd place cake) got a score of 55 and the other got a score of 38 (both out of a total of 80). I noticed that the pair of judges for each cake was different. A difference of opinion? Maybe? I feel like there was something a little more going on there. The judges that gave me 3rd place gave me constructive feedback to help improve my decorating techniques, but the other judges basically said “Y U NO FOLLOW RULES!”.

My scores from the judges. I very subtly scribbled names out.

My scores from the judges. I very subtly scribbled names out.

How to Make an Old Midwestern Lady Cry

Generally, most of the baked goods judging takes place before the fair is open to the public. However, they were still judging entries when I came to check out the competition, and got to see the judges judgingly judge my governor’s cookie jar. The judging took place in a crowded building and the judges are behind an area that is closed off to the public. Guests can only see the judges and not hear what they are saying.

A judge pulled my jar out of the display and all the judges seemed a little amused and smiled at each other a bit. Soon other state fair worker bees (not judges, but fair volunteers) were summoned over to the table.  When there were about six old ladies standing around my jar one of them spotted the pride flag and fanned it out to get a good look at it. At this moment one old lady burst into a fit of laughter and the other ladies were at least smiling or chuckling. After about half a minute of laughter, one old lady reached up towards her eye, pulled her glasses up, and wiped a finger near the edge of her tear duct. I made an old lady cry! From laughter!

The judges repaid the favor with a comment on my cookie jar evaluation sheet: “Jar is a little over decorated – less is better”. My jar was fuckin’ fabulous! If you can’t handle it, then my advice is to “suck it”.

This mission was a success.

Now, I await the announcement of next year’s theme, so I can think of the best way to make more old ladies cry.

My fingers still crossed for a sci-fi theme and more stargates!

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