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Tag Archives: Powdered sugar

Put This Shit in Your Mouth: Vanilla Cake with Toasted Coconut Icing

8 Jul

Background

This cake was made for one of my most fucktacular friends. She likes cats, desserts, bragging about going to the gym, complaining about Leg Day, and makes me noms, so I made her a birthday cake.

If you want to be a good friend, you will make someone this cake too. Do it, don’t be an asshole.

Fuckin’ Ingredients

For the diabeetus cake:

  • 4 1/2 cups of flour, the vegan kind
  • 1 teaspoon vegan baking soda
  • 4 teaspoons baking powder that fuckin’ vegans use
  • 1 teaspoon vegan salt
  • 2 1/4 cups of harm-free, vegan sugar
  • 1 cup veggie oil, the vegan kind
  • 3 teaspoons vegan vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon coconut extract, it better be vegan
  • 2 tablespoons vegan white vinegar
  • 3 cups milk, make sure that shit is vegan

For the fucktacular icing:

  • 1 cup shortening (Don’t use that animal fat shit. Make sure it’s vegan.)
  • 6 cups vegan powdered sugar
  • Prepared dry soy milk (or another type of dry vegan milk)
  • 2 vanilla beans, make sure you get the vegan ones
  • 1 bag of vegan toasted coconut flakes

*Note: I have learned one thing from reading a shitton of vegan cooking/baking blogs: Reiterate “vegan” on every ingredient, lest your audience forget they are looking at a vegan recipe. 

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Cake: 

1. First, you need make the vegan buttermilk. To do this, put the milk and vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for a bit. Maybe 10 minutes or so. I sort of forgot how long I let mine sit because I didn’t set a timer. The mixture will curdle a little bit, but it is supposed to so don’t fuckin’ worry about it.

Looks like a bowl of cum... Mmmmm...

Looks like a bowl of cum… Mmmmm…

2. Once your super vegan buttermilk has set, mix it with the oil and and the two ultra vegan extracts. Be sure to recheck your ingredients to make sure they are vegan as fuck.

3. Add all the dry, vegan ingredients into bowl with your other vegan ingredients.

4. Mix the shit out of them.

5. Then, mix that shit some more.

Mix all your vegan shit. 

Mix all your vegan shit.

6. Make sure your batter is all smooth n’ shit.

7. Pour that shit you just made into two 9-inch pans that are nicely lubed up with vegan lube (AKA: an oil of your choosing).

8. Put it in the oven for about 35-45 minutes at 350 degrees, or until that shit is the lightest of browns and is slightly separating from the side of the pan.

9. When it is done, let that shit cool on a wire rack.

Fuck. You are awesome at making VEGAN cakes now.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Icing: 

1. Veganly (you know, with the least harm possible) whip up the shortening.

2. Slowly mix in some powdered sugar.

3. As you are adding in powdered sugar, add in the vegan milk, tablespoons at a time, to make the icing more or less thick (depending on your fuckin’ tastes).

4. Cut open the vanilla beans and mix that shit in too. If you want, you can add some coconut extract (a teaspoon or two) for extra vegan goodness.

Making vegans fat. 

Making vegans fat one icing at a time.

Spread that shit on the first layer and cram some toasted coconut on top. Add the next cake layer, and slather that fucktacular icing all over the cake. Then, try to put some more toasted coconut on the top and side of your cake to make that shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

TitTip: Add a border around the edge of your cakes to make them super, fuckin’ classy.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

FYFI: I’m cool with being vegan and other vegans; however, anyone can be annoying, including beautiful vegans. One of those things is to keep saying the ingredients throughout a vegan recipe are vegan. I KNOW THEY ARE! THAT’S WHY I CHOSE THIS FUCKIN’ RECIPE!

I wanted to take anyone who reads this post through that annoying journey. You are so fuckin’ welcome! However, I promise to not be this fuckin’ annoying in the future. Once is funny. Twice makes me an asshole.

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Fuck Itself Diabetes Should

9 Oct

This was a fuckin’ simple cake I made for my father. He has diabeetus and he likes Star Wars.

Fun to make cake is. 

Fun to make cake is.

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The Most Fucktacular Search Terms

28 Aug

FYFI: WordPress allows bloggers to see what search terms people have used to stumble upon their blog.

And the #1 Search Termfor this blog: pussy cupcakes

People have used some pretty fucktacular terms to find this blog. I have categorized the search terms into six categories: Baking, Foul-Mouthed Baking, Nasty Baking (Possibly Porn), Porn, Fucked-Up Porn, and Random Shit From The Interwebs.

I have some real examples of the terms that fit into the categories below for your fuckin’ convenience. If you are too fuckin’ lazy to read through some funny terms, then here is a word cloud to show you the most used words to find this site.

FuckinWordCloud

Pussy is only #2 to cake.

Baking

The people who used these terms were just searching for everyday baking help on the Interwebs. Then, BAM! This blog slapped them in the face with a hard dick. Here are  some innocent terms:

Foul-Mouthed Baking

These people knew what they were getting into:

  • messages to write on a dick cake
  • how to make a penis from icing
  • funny fudge recipe with all the foul language
  • diabeetus cake
  • you look fucktacular
  • lil diabeetus snacks

Nasty Baking (Possibly Porn or Both)

These are pretty fuckin’ nasty, you sick fucks. These people may have been looking for porn.

  • cake cream in pussy images
  • can you rub jello on your clit
  • filling asshole with ice cream
  • can you masturbate with buttercream icing

Porn

These people were just looking for porn, but got diabeetus instead.

  • horse cock  in pussy close up pic original animal
  • cum covered butte
  • put chocolate in her ass
  • www. fresh fucking chocolate pussy.com
  • german baker fucks two men

Fucked-Up Porn

These are a little more than just regular porn.

Random Shit From The Interwebs

So you don’t leave this post with a bad taste in your mouth… These are completely random terms, so I’m sure no one was expecting to land on this site.

  • can cats have cookie butter
  • why does tequila make your penis soft
  • fuck korean tea
  • gay german boys kissing
  • vagina mold hamster
  • green tea and fuck
  • dick shaped shoes

A Learning Experience

I have learned a lot from compiling this list, but I have more questions. So here’s another shittastic list with all the new stuff I learned and questions I have:

  1. People like porn
  2. People can’t spell
  3. How many of my baking ingredients can I masturbate with?
  4. I would like to develop some “lil diabeetus snacks”.
  5. People are full of questions. Seriously, can cats have cookie butter?
  6. Also, fuck Korean tea.

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The fucktacular word cloud generator I used

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Yes, Even Cake is Bigger and Fuckin’ Better in Texas

31 Jul

I’ve been back in the best country in the world this summer: Texas. I thought I should share a Tejas (Spanish for ‘Texas’, dumbass) cake I made for a friend, since my summer in Texas is almost at an end.

Bigger and Fuckin’ Better Ingredients

  • A fuckton of white cake batter
  • Mother fuckin’ food coloring
  • Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • Tejas and Pistol paper print-outs, unless you are the biggest badass in The West and can free hand that shit.
  • Bigass heart-shaped pan

Bigger and Fuckin’ Better Cake Construction

  1. After the  white cake batter has been made, separate it into three bowls and mix in some red and blue food coloring. Then, pour a bit into the heart-shaped pan and swirl that shit about. (TitTip: Don’t swirl it too much or it will be purple, cock-nuts.)
  2. Bake that fuckin’ shit.
  3. Let that shit cool, and put it in the appropriate place on the cake canvas (for me a ‘cake canvas’ is a cheap metal pan).
  4. Mix some pink dye into some Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze and spread that shit on the cake.
Have a fuckin' heart!

Have a fuckin’ heart!

  1. Repeat step one from the heart-shaped cake, except now you are using square pans.
  2. Then, fuckin’ bake that shit.
  3. After you have let that shit cool, place your Texas stencil on the cake.
  4. Take a bigass knife and go around the edges of the stencil to cut out a Texas-shaped cake.
  5. Align the perfect state on your heart.
  6. Ice that shit in some white icing.
Here's how you make a cake of the best fuckin' state!

Here’s how you make a cake of the best fuckin’ state!

The pistols work like the Texas cut out, expect that you can use the fuckin’ left over cake from the Texas cut out to make the pistols.

Pew! Pew, mother fucker!

Pew! Pew, mother fucker!

Now, to put the whole mother fuckin’ masterpiece together.

Lay that shit out on a cake canvas (AKA: cheap metal pan).

Lay that shit out on a cake canvas (AKA: cheap metal pan).

I made some stars for bullets because bullets are dangerous, but stars are pretty n’ shit.

Todo es mas grande en Tejas! <br /> Everything is bigger in Texas!

Todo es mas grande en Tejas!
Everything is bigger in Texas!

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Amaze Your Friends by Memeing Them on Desserts

5 Sep

Background

Before I was making cakes for friends, I was turning friends into memes. I took this opportunity to combine two of my favorite things: dessert and Interwebs humor. The person, who this dessert was for, can be kind of an asshole sometimes, but will help you out when you need it. He’s no Good Guy Greg, but he works well as his own meme: Decent Dude Dustin.

Recipe

I got the recipe here. The recipes is easy to veganize by using VeganEgg instead of eggs and Earth Balance instead of butter. Then, I topped the bar with an edible picture of my friend with a joint photoshopped in his mouth.

1. Make lemon bar.<br />2. Put edible picture of friend on top.<br />3. Consume friend.

1. Make lemon bar.
2. Put edible picture of friend on top.
3. Consume friend.

When I asked him if he wanted me to blur his face out before I posted it on this blog, instead he requested the joint to be blurred out. I did as my decent friend requested. Now it looks like he is smoking a blurry joint.

I can't think of anything funnier than burning babies.

I can’t think of anything funnier than burning babies.

Decent Dude Dustin, or Triple D, did two fucktacular things: (1) he went over to help my friend get her car out of snow and ice and (2) he helped me move out of my broken home. However, pointing out his niceness would only tell half of Triple D’s story. A couple of days before this dessert was finished, he sent me this gif, and said he couldn’t stop laughing.

Photoshop Skillz

A mutual friend of mine and Triple D’s suggested I Photoshop a cock in place of the joint. What can I say? I like to make my friends happy.

Here you can see Decent Dude Dustin in his natural state of cock smoking.

Here you can see Decent Dude Dustin in his natural state of cock smoking.

I’m pretty good at Photoshop. Please contact me for lessons. Kthxbi.

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