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Tag Archives: Cats

Give Her What you Can’t Tell Her: Diabeetus for Mother’s Day

7 May

I wanted to make something super fuckin’ awesome for my mother for Mother’s Day, and a delicious creamy pie with a sentimental message sounded fucktacular!

FYFI: I love living alone with my four pussies.

FYFI: I love living alone with my four pussies.

At first my mom thought the cake message was cute, but then she thought about it too much and asked if I was blaming my divorce on her. Oh, mother, you don’t understand my jokes. I’m not sure where my fucked-up sense of humor came from. Probably too many hours on the Interwebs.

My mother is very supportive. She tried to read this blog once, and made it through a whole entry before she decided that was enough. If my mother used “the F-word” she would probably say I’m pretty fucked-up, but, you know, in a loving way.

Dat side boob. I mean side view. This is a cake not a tit.

Dat side boob. I mean side view. This is a cake not a tit.

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Dear Vegans, Thanks for Being Fuckin’ Picky Eaters

1 Nov

Today is World Vegan Day! In honor of this day, I will share all the fucktacular stuff I have learned from baking for my vegan friends.

1. The best chocolate cake recipe ever is vegan. I was fuckin’ shocked at how good a cake could be without butter and eggs. I feel like meat and animal products have let me down.

2. Exchanging butter for butter-flavored shortening doesn’t change the taste of icing. My favorite icing is now my own chocolate buttercream icing, which I make vegan. Again, animal products are letting me down. WHAT THE FUCK, ANIMALS?!?! If I can’t use you in baking, you will soon be rendered useless to me, which would allow you to live a longer, happier life.

3. Food fur thought: Can vegans eat the cat fur that will probably be in my baked goods? Keeping cat fur out of my baked goods is mission fuckin’ impossible. (It is also impossible to keep cat fur off my clothes, couch, bartender, tits, floor, vagina, friends, and right eye). I wondered how vegans felt about cat fur in their food. Well, when in doubt, ask a vegan! (That should be a weekly video blog: Ask a Vegan!) I queried a vegan friend and she said since the “cats gave up their fur willingly” it was okay for her to eat a cake with cat fur in it. Since all vegans are the same, I’m pretty sure I don’t need to confirm this with anymore vegans. That fuckin’ mystery is solved!

Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!

Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!

I’ve learned so much this fuckin’ year, and I owe some of that to vegans and their strange, self-inflicted dietary restrictions. Thanks for being so fuckin’ picky, vegans!

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Come Out of the Closet and Eat Some Fuckin’ Cookies

11 Oct

Today is the 25th National Coming Out Day! It’s time to celebrate this fabulous shit with mother fuckin’ rainbow equality cookies!

I used the vanilla refrigerator cookie recipe from my old lady cookbook (Crocker, 1978), but I got the idea and some instructions from the Hungry Rabbit’s blog.

Ingredients 

  • 1 cup of diabeetus (AKA: sugar)
  • 1 stick of vegan butter, softened
  • 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
  • 2 VeganEgg (prepped according to the package)
  • 3 cups of all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • Food coloring, all the fuckin’ colors

Instructions

Mix the first 4 fabulous ingredients, and gradually mix in the next 3 ingredients. When that shit is all mixed together, separate into 6 separate bowls and add a different food color to each bowl.

Look at the fuckin' colorful fridge ready dough!

Look at the fuckin’ colorful fridge ready dough!

Refrigerate the dough for at least an hour. Then, roll that shit into equally sized rectangles (about 2 inches wide, 11 inches long and 1/4 of an inch thick).

TitTip: I drew a big, black rectangle and put that under the parchment paper I rolled the dough onto. This is a pretty fuckin’ clever way to keep all the rectangles the same size.

Fucktacular pride!

Fucktacular pride!

Refrigerate all the layers separately for an hour. Repeat until all your fuckin’ colors are gone.

If you are a planner, you can arrange the colors to resemble the pride flag. I made these cookies twice before I realized I fucked the order up. Fuck it, my goddamn heart was in the right place, and no one noticed since they were mesmerized by the colorful-ass cookies.

Stacked to fuckin' perfection.

Stacked to fuckin’ perfection.

This is where I deviate from the Hungry Rabbit’s instructions. The first time I made these cookies all my layers got smashed together when I tried to cut them and this made them look shitty. The second time I froze the completely stacked dough for an hour and then cut it into segments (about a 1/4 of an inch thick). If you have trouble with runny colors, freeze that shit.

Once you cut the cookie dough, place those lil’ bitches about an inch apart on a pan and bake at 350 degrees for about 12 minutes.

The freshly cut dough and finished product. Consume and feel fabulous!

The freshly cut dough and finished product. Consume and feel fabulous!

Not perfect, but fuckin’ close enough. Look at the Hungry Rabbit’s recipe if you want better looking cookies, you fuckin’ cookie snob.

So. Much. Pride. 

Mother fuckin' pride!

Mother fuckin’ pride!

Here’s one of my cat rocking some rainbow feathers. Cats aren’t as judgmental as people think. They don’t give a fuck about anyone, but they do enjoy looking fabulous.

This pussy is fuckin' fabulous.

This pussy is fuckin’ fabulous.

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Mixing Alcohol and Baking: Best Idea or Bestest Idea?

29 Jun

Baking is fun, and alcohol is known to enhance fun. Logic dictates the pairing of baking with alcohol would increase the fun of baking.

I hypothesize that I (and anyone who joins in) will have a shitton of fun, but the drinking could be detrimental to baking (ex: burnt baked goods, burnt human flesh, etc.)

The following is my scientific account of the pairing of these two delights.

Baking Marathon!

I started off the evening mixing and baking several items (ex: chocolate cake, pretzel and potato chip cupcakes, etc.). Also, I really wanted to use these tiny animal pans (e.g., lion, lobster, chicken, turtle, butterfly, and bunny) I just ordered from a China person via e-Bay.

Chocolate chickens, lobsters, and butterflies! Oh, fuckin’ my!

Baked a lot of different shit.

Baked a lot of different shit.

Just Add Alcohol..

…and a friend, so you don’t have to drink alone. A shittacular friend of mine came over with some Lime-A-Ritas (that shit is delicious). We started drinking, and I continued to bake.

You know how everyone seems to have that cunty friend that tries to tell them not to drink so much? For me, that cunty friend is usually one my cats. The cats know me best and are all too familiar with me when I drink. One of them, Stinky, was concerned for how the rest of the evening would turn out and started glaring at me over a giant cookie. Or maybe she was glaring at the giant cookie?

The local pussy was a bit apprehensive about our drunken behavior.

The local pussy was a bit apprehensive about our drunken behavior.

As I hypothesized before beginning this experiment, there were baking casualties. The fuckin’ turtle drank too much and didn’t stay in its god-damned pan. Turtle always overindulges.

Go home, Turtle! You're drunk!

Go home, Turtle! You’re drunk!

TitTip: If you use these small, fuckin’ pans, wrap some aluminum foil around the base to keep it from tilting. Sober turtles are tastier than drunken turtles.

This is where the pictures from the evening end…

The Morning After

I hate cleaning up after baking, so I definitely didn’t clean up when I was drunk. I woke up to a fuckin’ messy kitchen and dining room.

Behold! This is what I woke up to. Looks like we had a shittacular time!

Behold! This is what I woke up to. Looks like we had a shittacular time!

In all the mess, I found something fucktacular! A cute lil’, ‘Merican kitty, which my friend made with the help of Creativity Juice (AKA: Lime-A-Ritas). This is literally some cute shit.

Lime-A-Ritas = Creativity Juice!

Lime-A-Ritas = Creativity Juice!

Findings

In conclusion, as you can obviously see, (if you are blind, just trust me) drinking and baking is the bestest idea.

One of my cats, Bear (AKA: Captain Awesome) wanted to dispute this conclusion, but I told her to shut her fuckin’ face. She’s always ruining my drunken fun.

Bear was a little concerned with my behavior. She said if it happens again she's going to stage an intervention for me with the other cats.

Bear was a little concerned with my behavior. She said if it happens again she’s going to stage an intervention for me with the other cats.

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