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Archive | December, 2016

The Best Damn Sugar Cookies: Sturdy, Vegan, and Gluten-Free

22 Dec

I have made a fuckton of cookies of different shapes and sizes. The most common shape and size are large dicks, but don’t take my word for it. Here they are for your viewing pleasure:

All these wonderful cookies were made from a random recipe I found on the Interwebs. I have made the recipe even more fucktacular over the years, and I will now share it with you because you deserve a tasty cookie full of diabetes.

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The shit you’ll need for the cookie:

  • 1 cup of vegan butter (I use soy-free Earth Balance.)
  • 1 cup of organic granulated sugar
  • 2 flax eggs* or Vegan Eggs
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla
  • 3 cups of gluten-free flour blend (I use mother fuckin’ Pamela’s.)
  • 3/4 teaspoon of Xanthan Gum
  • 2 teaspoons of baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon of salt

The shit you’ll need for the icing:

  • 1 cup of organic powdered sugar
  • 2 teaspoons of water
  • 2 teaspoons of clear syrup (I use this shit.)
  • 1/4 teaspoon of almond extract
  • Food coloring of your choice

Make some fuckin’ cookies:

    1. In a large mixing bowl, cream the fuck out of the butter and sugar.
    2. Make the vegan or flax eggs. If using the Vegan Eggs, prepare it according to the package. Use the following instructions to make flax eggs:
      • Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
      • Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
      • If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.
      • This make 1 egg equivalent, so you’ll need twice this much for this recipe.
    3. Beat in the vegan (or flax) eggs and vanilla.
    4. Mix in the xanthan gum, baking powder, and salt.
    5. Then, slowly mix in the flour. If you mix more than a cup at a time that shit will go all over your kitchen.
    6. Chill that shit in the fridge, overnight. (Plan ahead, bitch.)
    7. When ready to bake, preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
    8. Roll out the dough and cut into your desired shapes. I prefer dicks, but you can pick whatever lame shape you want. Probably hearts or some other dumb shit.
    9. Place the shapes on the pan about an inch or two apart and bake for 10-15 minutes or until they are lightly golden.
    10. Be sure this shit is completely cool before you try to apply the fuckin’ icing.
Vegan eggs on the left and flax eggs on the right. This shit looks pretty gross, but tastes pretty fuckin' good.

Vegan eggs on the left and flax eggs on the right. This shit looks pretty gross, but tastes pretty fuckin’ good.

The dough labeled "Fuck" is with flax eggs and the dough that is not labeled "Fuck" is with vegan eggs.

The dough labeled “Fuck” is with flax eggs and the dough that is not labeled “Fuck” is with vegan eggs.

Here's a fuckton of cookies I've made.

Here’s a fuckton of cookies I’ve made.

How to make the icing:

      1. Stir the powdered sugar and water together until it is smooth as fuck.
      2. Add your clear syrup and almond extract. Mix until it is glossy. If the icing is too thick add more syrup.
      3. Divide your icing into bowls and mix in the food coloring. You can dip the cookies or write on them.
      4. This shit will dry out quickly, so use it fast or cover with a moist cloth to keep from drying out.
Here's some shit I've decorated. Yes, I even made cookies that weren't penis shaped for a 2 year old's Paw Patrol birthday party. I still don't know what the shit "Paw Patrol" is.

Here’s some shit I’ve decorated. Yes, I even made cookies that weren’t penis shaped for a 2 year old’s Paw Patrol birthday party. I still don’t know what the shit “Paw Patrol” is.

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Spicy Chocolate Pie with Avocado and Tortilla Chip Crust: Shove It In Your Pie Hole

8 Dec

I would like to give this pie two awards: (1) Best Fuckin’ Pie I Have Ever Made and (2) Top 3 Pies I’ve Ever Eaten. The pie was very smooth n’ creamy n’ <insert other adjectives used to describe a fucktacular pie>.

Ingredients: 

The shit you’ll need for the crust:

  • 2 cups of tortilla chips with the fuck grounded out of them, called tortilla chip meal (reserve 2 tablespoons for the topping)
  • 1/3 cup of coconut oil
  • 1/3 cup of sugar (or sweetener of your choice. I used VitaFiber Powder)
  • 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon

The shit you’ll need for the filling:

  • 10 ounces of vegan chocolate chips (reserve 2 tablespoons for topping)
  • 1 can of coconut cream (chilled overnight)
  • 1 delicious, ripe avocado
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon of ground cinnamon
  • 1/4 teaspoon of chipotle chile powder

The shit you’ll need for the topping:

  • 1 can of coconut cream (chilled overnight)
  • 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 2 teaspoons of syrupy sweetener of your choice (I used VitaFiber Syrup)
  • 2 tablespoons of reserved tortilla chip meal
  • 2 tablespoons of reserved vegan chocolate chip, chopped

Making the Crust:

  1. Shove those tortilla chips in a blender or food processor and grind them up until you have something that looks like tortilla chip meal.

TitTip: You’ll need two whole cups of tortilla chip meal. I didn’t think about amount of space tortilla chips take up verus tortilla chip meal, and I ran out of tortilla chips. I had to go to the store, so I could buy more tortilla chips when I only needed half a cup more. Yep, I’m a fuckhead; however, it did give me the opportunity to grab blue corn chips and give the crust a bit of color.

Grind that shit up.

Grind that shit up.

2. Grab a bowl and mix the sugar and coconut oil until well combined.

3. Pour the tortilla chip meal into the sugar and oil mixture, along with the cinnamon, and mix.

Stir that shit together.

Stir that shit together.

4. Press the crust mixture into a 9-inch pie plate, put into an oven at 350 degress Fahrenheit, and bake for about 10 to 15 minutes.

Press that shit in the pie plate.

Press that shit in the pie plate.

Making the Filling: 

  1. Melt the chocolate chips in a pan. Be sure not to burn that shit by stirring it a lot.
  2. In the melted chocolate, blend in about 2/3 of a can of chilled coconut cream (use the more solid part of the coconut creme). Mix and keep on low heat until it is smooth as fuck.
  3. Remove from heat and mix in the vanilla extract, ground cinnamon, and chili powder.
Melt that shit together.

Melt that shit together.

4. Put the avocado into a food processor and add the chocolate mixture once it has cooled.

Put that avocado shit in the food processor.

Put that avocado shit in the food processor.

5. Mix it until it is smooth as fuck. Make sure there aren’t any giant pieces of avocado.

Process that shit until it is smooth as fuck.

Process that shit until it is smooth as fuck.

6. Pour the mixture into the cooled pie crust.

7. Refrigerate the pie for at least 4 hour to set.

Pour that shit in a cooled crust. 

Pour that shit in a cooled crust.

Making the Topping:

  1. Scoop out the more solid part of the coconut cream into a chilled bowl.
  2. Beat the coconut creme until it is smooth.
  3. Add the vanilla and syrupy sweetener and beat it some more.
  4. Throw the coconut whipped cream on top of the set pie.
  5. Add the reserved tortilla chip meal and chocolate bits to make your pie look fancy as fuck.
Put that shit in your pie hole.

Put that shit in your pie hole.

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