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Tag Archives: Vegan Chocolate Butter Cream Icing

Graphs Belong on Cakes

3 Oct

During a previous semester, I taught a class with someone, and we had a particularly horrible bunch of students. Meaning, most of the students were fuckheads. Fuckheads are really hard to teach because you can’t get any learnings in their fuckin’ heads.

I can deal, but this other person was overly distraught by the class. I decided to make this person a cake to cheer him up. When your job is on the line because you are going to get horrible teaching reviews from a class of fuckheads, at least you can have cake.

Cake/Bar Construction

I used a peanut butter cake recipe (sans icing recipe), which really was more like a bar than a cake. It tasted good, but it wasn’t moist like a cake and was harder like a bar. It tasted like a Peanut Butter cup, with the cake part being like the crumbly peanut butter.

Steps

Check this shit out!

I used my own Versatile Chocolate Butercream Icing with some adjustments for the icing on this bar/cake. I exchanged the butter for peanut butter to make peanut butter chocolate buttercream icing. I had a bunch of left over icing and made some chocolate peanut butter truffles.

Icing

I made chocolate peanut butter truffles with this left over shit.

TitTip: Some people thought I drew an amazing graph on this cake, and wondered how I did it so perfectly free-handed. Ha! I did not free-hand this shit. The trick it to draw on the icing with a toothpick first and then decorate with the icing. You can do this with more than graphs. However, some people are really judge-y about graphs, so always make sure you do this with graphs. Don’t fuck a graph up, or people will fuck you up.

ShitTrace

Anyone can drawn a fucktacular graph on a cake, if you toothpick that shit on there first.

If you don’t understand the cake, then you should go take a statistics class because I’m not going to explain this shit to you.

FinalSkewed

If you don’t understand the joke, then life has skewed you, fucker.

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Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes

27 Jun

Cookie butter is like peanut butter, but a fuckton better, like a shitton of fucktons better.

Recipe

I got the recipe from here. I did change a few things though because I got to make this shit my own and vegan.

Veganize that shit: Use VeganEgg in place of the eggs in the recipe and make your own buttermilk. I am not aware of any vegan buttermilk that is commercially available, but making your own is so fuckin’ simple. To do this, put a 3/4 cup of your favorite vegan milk and half a tablespoon of vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow it to sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready

Crunchy as shit.

This shit is crunchy!

Put some crunchy cookie butter mix in the middle before you top it off and put it in the oven.

Throw the crunchy shit in with the batter.

Bake that shit!

Bake that shit!

I didn’t use the icing that comes with the recipe. I used my own fizzworthy chocolate butter cream icing. Why? Cause I like it more. That’s the only fuckin’ reason I need.

Ice those fuckin' cupcakes!

Ice those fuckin’ cupcakes!

I arranged the cupcakes in a nice arch, but decided arches are for angels and McDonald’s. Then, I took a shitty picture. I’m not a photographer. If you think I should be, then you expect too much from me, asshole.

Mother Fuckin' Cupcakes!

Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes!

Seriously, I took about 15 pictures and this one was the best one.

Once I got my jollies from writing “mother fuckin'” on something as innocent as cupcakes, I finished them by topping them with the rest of the cookie butter crunchy shit.

Close up, bitch!

Here’s your close up, bitches!

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Fizzing in Everything: Versatile Chocolate Buttercream Icing

20 Jun

This shit is amazing and it makes me fizz just thinking about it! I use it with a lot of different cakes and other recipes. Also, it can be eaten by itself  because: DIABEETUS!

Ingredients

  • Crisco, the regular shit (1/2 cup)
  • Butter flavored Crisco (1/2 cup)
  • Powdered sugar, approximately 1 asston (4 – 5 cups)
  • Cocoa powder (1/3 cup)
  • Vanilla (at least 1 teaspoon)
  • Vegan dry milk, put some water in it so it isn’t fuckin’ dry anymore, (2 tablespoons)

NOTE: If you are not willing to commit to making as much icing as I do (probably because you are a penis), then the measurements needed to ice the fuck out of one regular-sized cake are in parentheses above. I suggest that you make a lot because icing brings all the bitches to your yard. Chocolate buttercream brings the classy bitches.

More chocolate buttercream  = more classy bitches. Someone should turn that idea into a pop song, make millions, and generously split those millions with me, the creative mastermind.

Instructions

Beat the two criscos (sp? Criscoes? Criscii?) together until they are fluffy as shit. You will want equal amounts of both fatty-fat-fats depending on how much icing you want (or use the amounts above).

Now, add in the coco powder. The amount of cocoa powder depends on how chocolaty you want your icing. I usually like it pretty fuckin’ chocolaty, so I add in a shitton of cocoa powder (an amount equaling the amount of Criso already in the mixing bowl). Also, if you like dark chocolate, I suggest using the dark chocolate cocoa powder. Fuckin’ delicious.

COCO!

This shit is healthy?

Now you can start adding in the powdered sugar, vanilla, and milk. I like my icing really thick, so I only add milk if my mixer won’t move anymore (or if the motor in the mixer breaks, and I have to go buy a new one). I wish I could fins a mixer that could handle my thick icing.

Icing

This shit is thick!

As always, I get super carried away with icing, as only the most amazing bitches do. The picture below is of a 6-gallon container filled with this buttercream icing to about the 5-gallon mark. I’m not ridiculous. YOU’RE FUCKIN’ RIDICULOUS.

Fuck! So much icing

Fuck! So much icing.

You can use this icing on almost everything. This is the icing I used on a meat cake, cupcakes, and I’ve used it for the center of truffles. Something shittacular you can put this on is an ice cream cake. This stuff is soft enough to cut after you’ve frozen it, while other buttercreams might get hard as a fuckin’ brick after you freeze it.

I really want to try it on a giant cookie cake one day. That day will be the single greatest day of my life.

Make Your Shit Your Own

Another great thing you can do with this icing is add your own flavors. In the past, I’ve used concentrated instant hazelnut coffee to add a hazelnut flavor. I’ve also added peanut butter (in the first step, along with the Criscii) to have a peanut butter chocolate buttercream.

Use your mother fuckin’ brain, be creative, and try different flavors! If your are going to get diabeetus, then you might as well enjoy the ride.

Sorry, I was just thinking about putting strawberries in this and fizzed all over my office chair.

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Is it Bacon or a Penis?

31 May

***Update: I wrote this before I went vegan, and while re-reading it hurts me deep inside my bleeding fuckin’ vegan heart…I decided to leave this post in its entirety while revamping this blog to make everything vegan. It’s interesting to see how much my views have changed in just a couple of years.

And now for a look back into a non-vegan’s inner-most, deep-down thoughts. Spoiler alert: My thoughts weren’t that deep or clever.***

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I know what you are thinking: “Does it matter if it is bacon or a penis? These are both spectacular things!” You are right, sir or madam.

Background

A friend of mine was defending her dissertation, and I wanted to make her a congratulatory cake to celebrate the occasion. She’s vegan, so I needed to make a vegan cake. Did you know vegans don’t eat meat or any product made from an animal? That includes, to my surprise, butter, milk, and eggs. Way to be difficult and cunty, vegans.

Cake

I looked up chocolate vegan cake recipes on the Interwebs, and decided on this one.

This was the best chocolate cake ever, seriously. I have traded my old stand-by chocolate cake recipe for this one. I know, smug vegans everywhere are fuckin’ celebrating, but I’m okay with that because they have delicious cake. People who have delicious treats can do whatever they want as far as I’m fuckin’ concerned. With that, I retract my previous comment on vegans being cunty. My bad, you have your delicious reasons.

Now, after making the cake I needed to shape it like bacon because vegans love bacon, right? I studied bacon for hours to get the shape just right. I looked at pictures of bacon. I went to the store and looked at all the different types of bacon: smoked applewood bacon, turkey bacon, thick cut bacon, think cut bacon, low sodium bacon, etc. I cooked up multiples types of bacon and tried them all. However, I threw away the excess bacon, since I was making a vegan cake. Vegans don’t like to eat meat, so I thought it would be disrespectful to eat too much bacon.

Already looks like bacon.

Already looks like bacon.

Next, I needed to ice the cake, but I didn’t use the icing recipe that came with the cake recipe above. I made my own vegan chocolate butter cream icing because butter cream icing is way better than shitty glaze icing any fuckin’ day.  (I might share the butter cream icing recipe one day.)

TitTip: Butter-flavored Crisco is an excellent substitute for butter. That’s how you can make vegan butter cream icing.

Here's the bacon cake with the fuckin' delicious butter cream icing. I added bumps on the cake it make it look like wrinkly bacon.

Here’s the bacon cake with the fuckin’ delicious butter cream icing. I added bumps on the cake it make it look like wrinkly bacon.

Then, I needed to color this cake like bacon. I used some vegan flood icing and added in some food coloring.

I decided on pink and light brown icing and dumped it in between some thicker icing. The thicker, white icing acts as a wall that says, “Stop, asshole! You can’t go any further!” When a wall talks, you better fuckin’ listen.

Bacon or penis? Sounds like "Win-win" to me.

Bacon or penis? Sounds like “Win-win” to me.

At this point I sent a picture of the cake to a couple of friends, and both of them agreed that it looked like a dick. Well, one of them said it looked like Batman, but that asshole is kinda fucked up. I just agreed it needed to be changed in order to make it look more bacon-like.

One friend suggested it needed more white, you know, like the fat deposits found on bacon (Mmmmmm…..fat deposits). I said, “What a great fuckin’ idea!”, and immediately set off to add more icing to recover this cake mess.

Cum-covered bacon is probably the best kind of bacon. It's all-natural and organic.

Cum-covered bacon is probably the best kind of bacon. It’s all-natural and organic.

So after adding the white, I not only had an accidental dick cake, but an accidental cum-covered dick cake. There’s a premature ejaculation joke there, but I’ll let you figure it out.

I was a little mad and wanted to start over, but then I shrugged. My vegan friend likes bacon, and she also LOVES the cock. So it is probably better that the cake turned out this way.

Meat cake is the best cake.

Meat cake is the best cake.

This cake wouldn’t have been complete without the congratulatory message. Writing on this cake was hard….like a penis. Also, becoming a Dr. is hard….like a penis. Okay, not all penii are hard, but the best ones are.

Aftermath

I wrote the message on this cake in the morning and didn’t look at it again until my friend unveiled it at her party. To my surprise, and everyone else’s amusement, some of my text flooded off the side of the cake. Fuck you, Vegan flood icing, you ruined my goddamned cake!

This was my first sad cake. What the fuck is a sad cake? Check this shit out.

The good thing about making delicious cakes is that even when you mess it up people don’t care. Probably because they are stuffing their face with the best diabeetus around.

Sad cake is sad.

Sad cake is sad.

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