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Vegan Cream Cheese Icing 2 Ways

25 May

Are you sad because cream cheese icing isn’t vegan? Well, unfuck yourself and get happy because vegan cream cheese icing is not only possible but totally tits.

There are two ways to make this vegan shit. Each way is based on your level of laziness:

  1. For the Lazy Fuckers: There are less ingredients this way.
  2. For the Slightly Less Lazy Fuckers: Requires more ingredients and measuring, but it’s still pretty fuckin’ easy.
Use vegan cream cheese icing to write inspirational shit in perfect handwriting.

Use vegan cream cheese icing to write inspirational shit in perfect handwriting.

Way 1 – The Shit the Lazy Fuckers Will Need: 

  • 1/2 cup vegan butter, softened
  • 8 oz of vegan cream cheese, softened
  • 3-4 cups of powdered sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Way 2 – The Shit the Slightly Less Lazy Fuckers Will Need: 

  • 1 cup of vegan butter, softened
  • 3-4 cups of powdered sugar
  • 1-3 tablespoons of vegan milk
  • 1/2 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon of lemon juice
  • 1/4 teaspoon of salt

Making This Shit (Both Type of Fuckers):

  1. Cream the cream cheese and butter (or just butter, if you are a slightly less lazy fucker).
  2. Put the remaining ingredients in the fuckin’ bowl and mix that shit until it is smooth.

TitTips:

  • For both recipes, slowly add the powdered sugar to get the icing consistency you want. More powdered sugar = thicker icing.
  • For both recipes, add more milk if you make it too fuckin’ thick. You shouldn’t need milk if you are a lazy fucker, but just in case you fuck this shit up and somehow make it too thick…
I use Kite Hill, which is way better than any cream cheese shit made from milk meant for a baby cow.

I use Kite Hill, which is way better than any cream cheese shit made from milk meant for a baby cow.

Mix that shit.

Mix that shit.

So fuckin' smooth.

So fuckin’ smooth.

Put that shit on carrot cupcakes. Or a spoon. Or your finger.

Put that shit on carrot cupcakes. Or a spoon. Or your finger.

Watch and take pictures as your cat rudely steals your icing. No reason to stop him...

Watch and take pictures as your cat rudely steals your icing. No reason to stop him…

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Put This Shit in Your Mouth: Vanilla Cake with Toasted Coconut Icing

8 Jul

Background

This cake was made for one of my most fucktacular friends. She likes cats, desserts, bragging about going to the gym, complaining about Leg Day, and makes me noms, so I made her a birthday cake.

If you want to be a good friend, you will make someone this cake too. Do it, don’t be an asshole.

Fuckin’ Ingredients

For the diabeetus cake:

  • 4 1/2 cups of flour, the vegan kind
  • 1 teaspoon vegan baking soda
  • 4 teaspoons baking powder that fuckin’ vegans use
  • 1 teaspoon vegan salt
  • 2 1/4 cups of harm-free, vegan sugar
  • 1 cup veggie oil, the vegan kind
  • 3 teaspoons vegan vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon coconut extract, it better be vegan
  • 2 tablespoons vegan white vinegar
  • 3 cups milk, make sure that shit is vegan

For the fucktacular icing:

  • 1 cup shortening (Don’t use that animal fat shit. Make sure it’s vegan.)
  • 6 cups vegan powdered sugar
  • Prepared dry soy milk (or another type of dry vegan milk)
  • 2 vanilla beans, make sure you get the vegan ones
  • 1 bag of vegan toasted coconut flakes

*Note: I have learned one thing from reading a shitton of vegan cooking/baking blogs: Reiterate “vegan” on every ingredient, lest your audience forget they are looking at a vegan recipe. 

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Cake: 

1. First, you need make the vegan buttermilk. To do this, put the milk and vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for a bit. Maybe 10 minutes or so. I sort of forgot how long I let mine sit because I didn’t set a timer. The mixture will curdle a little bit, but it is supposed to so don’t fuckin’ worry about it.

Looks like a bowl of cum... Mmmmm...

Looks like a bowl of cum… Mmmmm…

2. Once your super vegan buttermilk has set, mix it with the oil and and the two ultra vegan extracts. Be sure to recheck your ingredients to make sure they are vegan as fuck.

3. Add all the dry, vegan ingredients into bowl with your other vegan ingredients.

4. Mix the shit out of them.

5. Then, mix that shit some more.

Mix all your vegan shit. 

Mix all your vegan shit.

6. Make sure your batter is all smooth n’ shit.

7. Pour that shit you just made into two 9-inch pans that are nicely lubed up with vegan lube (AKA: an oil of your choosing).

8. Put it in the oven for about 35-45 minutes at 350 degrees, or until that shit is the lightest of browns and is slightly separating from the side of the pan.

9. When it is done, let that shit cool on a wire rack.

Fuck. You are awesome at making VEGAN cakes now.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Icing: 

1. Veganly (you know, with the least harm possible) whip up the shortening.

2. Slowly mix in some powdered sugar.

3. As you are adding in powdered sugar, add in the vegan milk, tablespoons at a time, to make the icing more or less thick (depending on your fuckin’ tastes).

4. Cut open the vanilla beans and mix that shit in too. If you want, you can add some coconut extract (a teaspoon or two) for extra vegan goodness.

Making vegans fat. 

Making vegans fat one icing at a time.

Spread that shit on the first layer and cram some toasted coconut on top. Add the next cake layer, and slather that fucktacular icing all over the cake. Then, try to put some more toasted coconut on the top and side of your cake to make that shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

TitTip: Add a border around the edge of your cakes to make them super, fuckin’ classy.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

FYFI: I’m cool with being vegan and other vegans; however, anyone can be annoying, including beautiful vegans. One of those things is to keep saying the ingredients throughout a vegan recipe are vegan. I KNOW THEY ARE! THAT’S WHY I CHOSE THIS FUCKIN’ RECIPE!

I wanted to take anyone who reads this post through that annoying journey. You are so fuckin’ welcome! However, I promise to not be this fuckin’ annoying in the future. Once is funny. Twice makes me an asshole.

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2 Assholes, 1 Ugly-Ass Cake

30 Jan

Background

Sometimes you make a bunch of cakes, and then your asshole friends start expecting a cake for their birthday. Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned, store-bought cakes?

This cake was for two people, who shared the same birthday week. Why not two cakes? Because (1) I’m too lazy to make two god-damned cakes, and (2) I didn’t like these people enough to make two separate cakes.

One of the assholes requested a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. He said he would “shit a brick” if I made one. FYFI: I have yet to lay my eyes upon the promised shit brick, which makes him an asshole and a liar (or a hoarder of shit bricks).

Ugly-Ass Cake Ingredients

Don’t forget to grab a fuckton of minty shit:

  • Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies
  • Andes Mints (This is a fucktacular recipe to make a vegan version of Andes Mints, as Andes Mints are not vegan.)
  • Peppermint extract
  • Mint Chocolate Chip Nice Cream (My favorite is Nada Moo.)

Ugly-Ass Cake Construction 

A couple of people insisted that the best ice cream cakes have this crispy layer of chocolate, and that this separates regular ice cream cakes from fucktacular ice cream cakes. Not, I’ve never tried one of these fabled cakes myself, but I thought it would be a good idea to try and produce a crispy layer without any taste-testing or instruction.

  1. Open up a sleeve of Thin Mints. Then, eat the entire sleeve and open up another sleeve. (There are two sleeves per box for a reason. That reason: DIABEETUS.) Continue opening up sleeves of Thin Mints until you manage to get them in a big measuring cup or bowl without eating them all, you fat fuck.
  2. Stab those fuckers with a blunt object to break them up a bit.
  3. Put those shitty pieces in a blender.
  4. Blend the shit out of the pieces.
  5. Melt a couple of tablespoons of vegan butter and mix it with your ground up Thin Mints.
  6. Press this delicious shit into a pan.
NSFL: These images are disturbing. They depict real Girl Scout cookies being smashed into shitty bits. Don't worry, Fatty, you can still eat them later.

NSFL: These images are disturbing. They depict real Girl Scout cookies being smashed into shitty bits. Don’t worry, Fatty, you can still eat them later.

To make the icing, (1) grab your homemade Andes mints (or buy some mint chocolate bars), (2) fuck them up a bit, and (3) mix into Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze with a couple drops of peppermint extract.

Dick snot with a hint of mint.

Dick snot with a hint of mint.

Why did I use a number 1 cake pan? When I saw this in the craft store, I couldn’t help but think about how I could turn it into something unsuitable for one-year old’s birthday.

Now to bake the mother fuckin’ cake!

  1. Spray the pan. This should be a “No Shit” step, since almost all cakes have to have the pan sprayed.
  2. Pour cake batter into the pan.
  3. Bake that shit.
  4. Be an impatient asshole and flip the cake onto a wire rack too soon.
  5. Repeat steps 1-3, but try to skip 4. When you manage to skip 4, you can use a cake leveler to make the top of the cake flat.
  6. Flip that shit over into a container you can put in the freezer. Titbit: You’ll soon realize that you flipped the cake too many fuckin’ time and it is now backwards. DON’T PANIC, FUCK-HEAD! Just flip it once more.
Learn from my fuckin' fails! Or repeat them for lolz.

Learn from my fuckin’ fails! Or repeat them for lolz.

Follow the ice cream cake construction steps here. I’m not retyping that shit in this post for you.

This shit is starting to look super fuckin' ugly.

This shit is starting to look super fuckin’ ugly.

Remember the 2 girls one cup craze? I’m not going to post a link to the video, so if you were living ass-deep in a dick-hole a few years ago, I’ll leave it up to you to Google that shit yourself. Titbit: If I don’t go ahead and supply the link for something, then it’s probably pretty disgusting and very NSFFW.

These two assholes had never seen an uglier cake, or had that much dick snot in their mouths at once. Trying new things is fun!

These two assholes had never seen an uglier cake, or had that much dick snot in their mouths at once. Trying new things is fun!

It turns out I’m horrible at drawing assholes. I decided to go with the emoticons for butts that included an anus.

I was pretty excited that I finally got to use the piping tip that always reminds me of an anus as an actual anus. Look at the picture below. Totally an anus. The people who make the piping tips have a sick sense of humor. I applaud them for this trait.

That's right. Get a little closer. Rub your nose in the asshole.

That’s right. Get a little closer. Rub your nose in the asshole.

My Friends Are Dicks

I sent a picture of this cake to a couple of friends, and because I have wonderfully supportive friends, one of them immediately replied with this:

My wonderfully supportive friends thought I made an ugly-ass cake, but found the most eloquent way to tell me.

My wonderfully supportive friends thought I made an ugly-ass cake, but found the most eloquent way to tell me.

Like ugly people, ugly cakes have a right to live and shouldn’t want to commit suicide. Remember: It’s what’s inside that counts, and this cake tasted as good as the dick mucus it was covered in.

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The Best Icing in the God-Damned World

26 Sep

A friend of mine introduced me to the world of matcha, and my life was forever changed. If you haven’t tried matcha green tea candy, cake, or some other dessert you should take a step back and seriously examine your life. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?!?!

I thought matcha would pair nicely with ginger, and it did. I’m a fuckin’ genius! I’m also super fuckin’ nice, so I will share my Matcha-Ginger Cream Cheese Icing recipe with you.

Ingredients

  • 1 fuckin’ package of vegan cream cheese (8oz package)
  • 1 stick o’ Lardy McChunkyBuns Butter (1 stick, any vegan stick will do)
  • Matcha green tea powder (2+ tablespoons)
  • Ground Ginger (2+ tablespoons)
  • 4 fucktons of powdered sugar (4 cups)

Instructions

Make sure the cream cheese and butter is softened and then mix that shit together until it is smooth.

If you are unaware of the wonders of green tea, this probably looks unappetizing and shitty. Just the color of the matcha powder makes my mouth water.

If you are unaware of the wonders of matcha, this probably looks unappetizing and shitty. Just the color of the matcha powder makes my mouth water.

Then, mix in the ginger and matcha green tea powder. Finally, mix in a fuckton of powdered sugar. I’ve heard from expert sources (e.g., Asians) that you can’t have too much green tea flavoring. So I put a lot more matcha powder in there than stated in the ingredients, but do whatever the fuck you want.

Put That Shit On A Cake

I put this god-damned icing on a green tea cake, but I think it would work on a vanilla cake too.

This is making my mouth fuckin' water.

This is making my mouth fuckin’ water.

Check This Shit Out

My friend was going off on an internship several states away for a few months. Several states away? Might as well be another country. We wanted her to come back, so I made the place she was going to seem pretty lame.

'Merica: Land of Cake and DIABEETUS!

‘Merica: Land of Cake and DIABEETUS!

She’s back, so, obviously, the cake worked.

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Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing: Fuckin’ Mouth Heaven

22 Aug

Do you heart Sriracha Sauce? Are you always looking for new uses or recipes for your Rooster Sauce? Well, look no further! You too can use this shittastic sauce to make a unique cream cheese icing.

Ingredients

  • 1 8oz package of vegan cream cheese, softened, like a non-erect penis
  • 1 stick o’ vegan butter, softened, like a non-erect penis (Obviously, I don’t have many good baking descriptions in my repertoire.)
  • Fuckton of powdered sugar (4 cups)
  • Sriracha Sauce, to your own fuckin’ distinguished taste

Recipe

First, mix the first two ingredients until that shit is fluffy.

Fluff that shit.

Fluff that shit.

Then, mix in the powdered sugar and the Sriracha Sauce. You can see this in the pictures I have so kindly provided for you, cocksucker.

Check out the food porn.

Check out the food porn.

Add powdered sugar and Rooster Sauce until you have your desired consistency and spice. Only add a couple of teaspoons of the Rooster Sauce, if you’re a pussy. If you aren’t a pussy, try a few tablespoons.

You can't add "too much" Sriracha Sauce in this, so go fuckin' crazy.

You can’t add “too much” Sriracha Sauce in this, so go fuckin’ crazy.

What Do I Put This Shittastic Icing On?

Some people think Sriracha sauce goes on everything, which is true. However, the Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing doesn’t go with everything.

A lot of people mix Sriracha into dishes with lime juice (ex: various Asian dishes like pho), so I thought it would be good on some lime cupcakes. MISTAKE! That shit was nasty.

Someone suggested a chocolate cake, which was pretty good, but the best pairing was with some chocolate potato chip cupcakes I made. (I might post that recipe one day.) The key is picking a dessert that isn’t too sweet.

Sriracha cream cheese icing on a chocolate potato chip cupcake, bitches.

Sriracha cream cheese icing on a chocolate potato chip cupcake, bitches.

Or you can just eat the icing by itself, since my motto for good icings is “put that shit in your mouth”.

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