Archive | June, 2017

How to Make Carrots Unhealthy: Carrot Cupcakes

15 Jun

A cake made of carrots must be healthy as fuck, right? Wrong, asshole!

The Shit You Will Need:

  • 4 flax eggs (4 tablespoons of ground flaxseed and 1/2 cup of water)
  • 1 pound of carrots (get the colorful ones for shits n’ giggles)
  • 2 1/2 cup of flour (gluten-free flour works too)
  • 1 teaspoon each of baking powder and soda
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1 tablespoon of ground cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon each of ground nutmeg, cloves, and ginger
  • 1 cup of granulated sugar
  • 1 cup of light brown sugar
  • 3/4 cup of coconut oil, melted
  • 1 cup of chopped pecans or walnuts

How To Make This Shit:

  1. Make the flax eggs by mixing the flaxseed and water. Place in a fridge for a few minutes, and then mix again. Once it is thick, that shit is ready to go.
  2. Peel and shred the fuck out of the carrots.
Get the colorful carrots for shits n' giggles.

Get the colorful carrots for shits n’ giggles.

3. Combine the flour, baking soda and powder, salt, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and nutmeg.

4. Add the carrots you shredded the fuck out of to the flour.

Colorful shit here.

Colorful shit here.

5. In a food processor, or with a mixer, mix the sugars and flax eggs until that shit is light n’ frothy as fuck.

6. Slowly add the oil to the mixture, until it is combined.

7. Mix this shit in with the carrot-flour mixture, until combined.

8. Add the nuts (*giggles about nuts*), but only if you fuckin’ feel like it.

9. Fill cupcake tins about 3/4 full.

10. Bake for about 15-20 minutes (or 30-40 minutes for a 9-inch cake) at 350 degrees Fahrenheit. A toothpick should come out clean as fuck when inserted in the middle and they should be a lil’ brown.

This batter is fuckin' thick!

This batter is fuckin’ thick!



11. Add some vegan cream cheese icing. Tittip: For extra flavor you can add some ground cinnamon and ginger to the icing.

Pretend you know how to decorate cupcakes!

Pretend you know how to decorate cupcakes!

Mother Fuckin’ Memories:

One of the first cakes I made was a carrot cake:

This cake looks like shit, but it came from a good place: my fuckin' heart.

This cake looks like shit, but it came from a good place: my fuckin’ heart.

Now I have a better grasp of color contrast.