Advertisements
Tag Archives: Ice cream

2 Assholes, 1 Ugly-Ass Cake

30 Jan

Background

Sometimes you make a bunch of cakes, and then your asshole friends start expecting a cake for their birthday. Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned, store-bought cakes?

This cake was for two people, who shared the same birthday week. Why not two cakes? Because (1) I’m too lazy to make two god-damned cakes, and (2) I didn’t like these people enough to make two separate cakes.

One of the assholes requested a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. He said he would “shit a brick” if I made one. FYFI: I have yet to lay my eyes upon the promised shit brick, which makes him an asshole and a liar (or a hoarder of shit bricks).

Ugly-Ass Cake Ingredients

Don’t forget to grab a fuckton of minty shit:

  • Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies
  • Andes Mints (This is a fucktacular recipe to make a vegan version of Andes Mints, as Andes Mints are not vegan.)
  • Peppermint extract
  • Mint Chocolate Chip Nice Cream (My favorite is Nada Moo.)

Ugly-Ass Cake Construction 

A couple of people insisted that the best ice cream cakes have this crispy layer of chocolate, and that this separates regular ice cream cakes from fucktacular ice cream cakes. Not, I’ve never tried one of these fabled cakes myself, but I thought it would be a good idea to try and produce a crispy layer without any taste-testing or instruction.

  1. Open up a sleeve of Thin Mints. Then, eat the entire sleeve and open up another sleeve. (There are two sleeves per box for a reason. That reason: DIABEETUS.) Continue opening up sleeves of Thin Mints until you manage to get them in a big measuring cup or bowl without eating them all, you fat fuck.
  2. Stab those fuckers with a blunt object to break them up a bit.
  3. Put those shitty pieces in a blender.
  4. Blend the shit out of the pieces.
  5. Melt a couple of tablespoons of vegan butter and mix it with your ground up Thin Mints.
  6. Press this delicious shit into a pan.
NSFL: These images are disturbing. They depict real Girl Scout cookies being smashed into shitty bits. Don't worry, Fatty, you can still eat them later.

NSFL: These images are disturbing. They depict real Girl Scout cookies being smashed into shitty bits. Don’t worry, Fatty, you can still eat them later.

To make the icing, (1) grab your homemade Andes mints (or buy some mint chocolate bars), (2) fuck them up a bit, and (3) mix into Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze with a couple drops of peppermint extract.

Dick snot with a hint of mint.

Dick snot with a hint of mint.

Why did I use a number 1 cake pan? When I saw this in the craft store, I couldn’t help but think about how I could turn it into something unsuitable for one-year old’s birthday.

Now to bake the mother fuckin’ cake!

  1. Spray the pan. This should be a “No Shit” step, since almost all cakes have to have the pan sprayed.
  2. Pour cake batter into the pan.
  3. Bake that shit.
  4. Be an impatient asshole and flip the cake onto a wire rack too soon.
  5. Repeat steps 1-3, but try to skip 4. When you manage to skip 4, you can use a cake leveler to make the top of the cake flat.
  6. Flip that shit over into a container you can put in the freezer. Titbit: You’ll soon realize that you flipped the cake too many fuckin’ time and it is now backwards. DON’T PANIC, FUCK-HEAD! Just flip it once more.
Learn from my fuckin' fails! Or repeat them for lolz.

Learn from my fuckin’ fails! Or repeat them for lolz.

Follow the ice cream cake construction steps here. I’m not retyping that shit in this post for you.

This shit is starting to look super fuckin' ugly.

This shit is starting to look super fuckin’ ugly.

Remember the 2 girls one cup craze? I’m not going to post a link to the video, so if you were living ass-deep in a dick-hole a few years ago, I’ll leave it up to you to Google that shit yourself. Titbit: If I don’t go ahead and supply the link for something, then it’s probably pretty disgusting and very NSFFW.

These two assholes had never seen an uglier cake, or had that much dick snot in their mouths at once. Trying new things is fun!

These two assholes had never seen an uglier cake, or had that much dick snot in their mouths at once. Trying new things is fun!

It turns out I’m horrible at drawing assholes. I decided to go with the emoticons for butts that included an anus.

I was pretty excited that I finally got to use the piping tip that always reminds me of an anus as an actual anus. Look at the picture below. Totally an anus. The people who make the piping tips have a sick sense of humor. I applaud them for this trait.

That's right. Get a little closer. Rub your nose in the asshole.

That’s right. Get a little closer. Rub your nose in the asshole.

My Friends Are Dicks

I sent a picture of this cake to a couple of friends, and because I have wonderfully supportive friends, one of them immediately replied with this:

My wonderfully supportive friends thought I made an ugly-ass cake, but found the most eloquent way to tell me.

My wonderfully supportive friends thought I made an ugly-ass cake, but found the most eloquent way to tell me.

Like ugly people, ugly cakes have a right to live and shouldn’t want to commit suicide. Remember: It’s what’s inside that counts, and this cake tasted as good as the dick mucus it was covered in.

__________

Advertisements

Green Tea Ice Cream Cake

12 Dec

Ice cream cakes are fucktacular, so make them often to improve your chances of diabeetus.

Ice cream cake > cake

Ice cream cake > cake

This was a green tea ice cream cake. I used this cake, but added two layers of green tea ice cream to make it even fuckin’ better.

This cake got the shit nommed out of it.

This cake got the shit nommed out of it.

__________

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For DIABEETUS!

29 Aug

Don’t let the fact that ice cream cake is the leading cause of diabeetus stop you from making one. There is an upside: the maker of the ice cream cake has a 90% chance of getting laid. FYFI: The previous claim is still in the experimental phase. The ice cream cakes I’ve made haven’t gotten me laid, but I know it has to work. *crosses fingers*

Is taking advantage of someone in a diabetic coma similar to taking advantage of a drunk person? No. This needs no further ethical consideration.

Ice cream cakes are fuckin’ easy to make. Try it yourself with these 8 easy steps.

Ice Cream Cake Construction

  1. Bake your cake of choice and let that shit cool completely.
  2. Wrap that shit up tight and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours.
  3. Take out your ice cream (Coconut based ice creams are fuckin’ fantastic!) and let it melt at room temperature, for about 30 minutes. You don’t want it to be liquid, just a bit squishy.
  4. Put some waxed paper in the same pan you used to make the cake. Then, press the ice cream all around to fill the pan.
  5. Cover your ice cream and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours. No less than 8 hours, or you’ll fuck this shit up!
  6. Then, take your cake and ice cream out of the freezer and layer it how you want.
  7. Use Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze around the edges and between the layers, and you probably have a mess to clean up later.
  8. Now think of something very sentimental to write on your shittastic cake.
cakes

Ice cream cake is fucktacular!

I made this cake for a couple of friends, who were having a combined birthday party. One friend requested an ice cream cake and the other requested Funfetti. Ugh, I hate Funfetti! I decided to make a Funfetti ice cream cake for them, so they were each getting half a cake.

Veganize that shit: Funfetti isn’t vegan, but you can choose your favorite white vegan cake recipe and add about a cup of sprinkles and have a much better end product. Unless you fuck that shit up.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends. Possibly get laid?

The cake and ice cream combinations of ice cream cakes are endless. I’ve made triple chocolate, green tea, and a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. Take my well-founded advice: Don’t be a pussy and try something new!

__________