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Peanut Butter Bars In 6 Easy-As-Fuck Steps

11 May

<Insert long-ass story about these peanut butter bars curing my cockatoo’s cancer AND my grandfather’s erectile dysfunction.>

You are going to want to eat this fucktacular shit everyday damn day!

The Shit Needed:

  • 1 16oz jar of peanut butter (no added sugar or oil)
  • 1/4 cup liquid sweetener (maple syrup, agave, or I use VitaFiber)
  • 1/2 cup coconut flour
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 cup vegan chocolate chips (OR 1 cup of baking chocolate and 1/3 cup of sweetener to make this shit sugar-free)

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Mix 1 cup of peanut butter, the sweetener, vanilla, and the coconut flour until thoroughly combined.
  2. Press that shit in an 8×8 inch pan, preferably with some waxed paper so it comes out easy.
  3. Then put that shit in the fridge.
Bear is displeased with this pitiful offering.

Bear is displeased with this pitiful offering.

4. Now melt the chocolate chips, or baking chocolate and sweetener (I use xylitol) with the remaining peanut butter (about half a cup) until that shit is smooth.

Melt that shit!

Melt that shit!

Keep melting that shit!

Keep melting that shit!

You're not done yet, fucker!

You’re not done yet, fucker!

This shit still isn't smooth.

This shit still isn’t smooth.

It could be a little fuckin' smoother.

It could be a little fuckin’ smoother.

Not yet, shithead.

Not yet, shithead.

Now it's finally melted and smooth as fuck.

Now it’s finally melted and smooth as fuck.

5. Pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

Artfully pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

Artfully pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

6. Put that shit in the fridge for a couple of hours until it is set, and then cut that shit into squares.

A mother fuckin' tower of peanut butter bars!

A mother fuckin’ tower of peanut butter bars!

Tower of peanut butter bars to offer the sleeping cat.

Tower of peanut butter bars to offer the sleeping cat.

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Black Bean Brownies: Vegan & Gluten-Free As Fuck

30 Mar

If you are one of those people that think brownies can only be made with certain ingredients and black beans are not one of those ingredients, then I have seven short words for you: get your head out of your ass.

Give up your misinformed food biases and make this shit because it is delicious as fuck, and sorta, kinda healthy-ish.

The Shit You’ll Need:

  • 2 flax eggs (2 tablespoons of flaxseed meal and 4 tablespoons of water)
  • 2 tablespoons of instant coffee and 6 tablespoons of hot water (This hazelnut shit is the best.)*
  • 1 15oz can (1 & 3/4 cups) of black beans (rinse and drain that shit)**
  • 4 tablespoons of melted coconut oil
  • 3/4 cup of cocoa powder
  • 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup of your choice of sweetener or sugar (I used 1/4 cup of xylitol and 1/4 of VitaFiber to make this shit sugar-free)
  • 1 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder
  • Pinch of salt
  • Toppings: nuts, coconut flakes, or chocolate chips

How to Make the Fuckin’ Brownies:

  1. Mix flaxseed meal and water in a container and put it in the fridge for a few minutes. Stir that shit again, and leave it in the fridge for a few more minutes. When it becomes thick and absorbs all the water put it in a food processor.
  2. Mix the 2 tablespoons of dried coffee and hot water to make a coffee concentrate. Put two tablespoons of the concentrate in the food processor.
  3. Place the remaining ingredients, except the toppings and remaining coffee concentrate, in the food processor and process the shit out of it.
Put that shit in a food processor.

Put that shit in a food processor.

4. The batter should be thick and a little lumpy. If you think it is too lumpy or thick, mix in another tablespoon of the coffee concentrate.

The batter will be a little lumpy, but will taste fucktacular.

The batter will be a little lumpy, but will taste fucktacular.

5. Put some the batter in oiled up cupcake pans. I like to use mini-cupcake pans, but you can use the big ones, if you want. Don’t let a blogger tell you what to do.

6. If you use the mini-cupcake pans, you should put about a tablespoon of batter in each one. Smooth that shit out with your finger or a knife. Just make sure to use something you can lick afterwards, as we all know you are going to want to lick clean whatever you use.

7. Sprinkle your fucktacular toppings on the batter.

Put that shit in a pan and put your toppings of choice on it. 

Put that shit in a pan and put your toppings of choice on it.

8. Bake that shit at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes or until it starts to move from the side of the pan. A knife inserted in the brownie won’t come out clean, but it also won’t come out with liquid shit all over it.

Notice that I couldn't wait to take a picture before I ate one of these lil' fuckers.

Notice that I couldn’t wait to take a picture before I ate one of these lil’ fuckers.

9. Let that shit cool and pull them from the pan.

10. Serve to awesome people that you like. Shitty people don’t get awesome brownies.

Lil' fuckin' brownie bites. 

Lil’ fuckin’ brownie bites.

TitTips:

*Adding in the coffee gives the brownies an extra layer of flavor. Add another flavor or plain, if it pleases you.

**Sprout your shit: I usually sprout and cook the organic black beans I use in this recipe.

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Warning: Contains Diabeetus!

13 Mar

Holy fuck! Diabeetus tastes sooooooo good! To get my sugar fix, I made peanut butter bars, but I substituted cookie butter for peanut butter and produced a diabeetus-filled treat!

There was something missing, but what the fuck was it?

There was something missing, but what the fuck was it?

So far, it didn’t look like it had the diabeetus touch. I needed to make it glaringly obvious that consumption of this shittacular treat would give the consumer instantaneous diabeetus.

Question: How does one make a dish look like instant diabeetus?

Answer: Just pile a fuckton of candy on the top and the sides, and draw a diabetic pussy on it.

You are once again super fuckin' impressed with my artistic skillz.

You are once again super fuckin’ impressed with my artistic skillz.

Join me next time when I make an HIV-filled cheesecake. Mmmm…..AIDS.

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Graphs Belong on Cakes

3 Oct

During a previous semester, I taught a class with someone, and we had a particularly horrible bunch of students. Meaning, most of the students were fuckheads. Fuckheads are really hard to teach because you can’t get any learnings in their fuckin’ heads.

I can deal, but this other person was overly distraught by the class. I decided to make this person a cake to cheer him up. When your job is on the line because you are going to get horrible teaching reviews from a class of fuckheads, at least you can have cake.

Cake/Bar Construction

I used a peanut butter cake recipe (sans icing recipe), which really was more like a bar than a cake. It tasted good, but it wasn’t moist like a cake and was harder like a bar. It tasted like a Peanut Butter cup, with the cake part being like the crumbly peanut butter.

Steps

Check this shit out!

I used my own Versatile Chocolate Butercream Icing with some adjustments for the icing on this bar/cake. I exchanged the butter for peanut butter to make peanut butter chocolate buttercream icing. I had a bunch of left over icing and made some chocolate peanut butter truffles.

Icing

I made chocolate peanut butter truffles with this left over shit.

TitTip: Some people thought I drew an amazing graph on this cake, and wondered how I did it so perfectly free-handed. Ha! I did not free-hand this shit. The trick it to draw on the icing with a toothpick first and then decorate with the icing. You can do this with more than graphs. However, some people are really judge-y about graphs, so always make sure you do this with graphs. Don’t fuck a graph up, or people will fuck you up.

ShitTrace

Anyone can drawn a fucktacular graph on a cake, if you toothpick that shit on there first.

If you don’t understand the cake, then you should go take a statistics class because I’m not going to explain this shit to you.

FinalSkewed

If you don’t understand the joke, then life has skewed you, fucker.

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Peanut Butter Bar For Peanut Day

13 Sep

Today is Peanut Day! Celebrate the day with peanut butter bars to help progress you and your friends’ diabeetus.

Background

I was going to make up some really cool story about a near-death experience that would have involved dragons, dick zombiesPenisaurus RexVagina Raptor, a unicorn, and a couple of lolcats, but that may have caused the Interwebs to throw up in its mouth.

The only car accident I’ve ever been in happened earlier this year. I hit some slippery ice, spun around in the middle of the Kansas turnpike, hit the middle concrete-divider-thing, and lightly landed just off the side of the road. My friend and I weren’t hurt, and somehow there was just a slight dent in her car. She’s still my friend and doesn’t try to make me feel like a bad person for crashing her car. Also, neither one of us shit our pants, so in my book that’s a win.

Risk you life and receive a dessert. Worth it!

Risk you life and receive a dessert. Worth it!

My friend had been wanting a peanut butter bar for nostalgia purposes for a little while, so I thought she deserved it after almost killing her. Life is short, eat peanut butter bars, and die a slow death by diabeetus.

FYFI: I used my own fucktacular recipe. I decorated with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze.

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