Tag Archives: pride

Your Best Life Decision Now In Cake-Form

19 Jun

Ever do something you fuckin’ regretted the shit out of at a party in front of a bunch of assholes? Well, that was fuckin’ stupid of you. This cake summarizes what may have been the best moment of two dudes’ lives.

German chocolate cake is the cake of lovers. 

German chocolate cake is the cake of lovers.

I lied. There were actually three dudes involved. They all took turns tongue-kissing each other to to horror or enjoyment of the crowd.

If you think this is strange, please keep in mind, the most-fucked up cake I’ve ever created was for for one dude involved in this fun life event.

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Come Out of the Closet and Eat Some Fuckin’ Cookies

11 Oct

Today is the 25th National Coming Out Day! It’s time to celebrate this fabulous shit with mother fuckin’ rainbow equality cookies!

I used the vanilla refrigerator cookie recipe from my old lady cookbook (Crocker, 1978), but I got the idea and some instructions from the Hungry Rabbit’s blog.

Ingredients 

  • 1 cup of diabeetus (AKA: sugar)
  • 1 stick of vegan butter, softened
  • 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
  • 2 VeganEgg (prepped according to the package)
  • 3 cups of all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • Food coloring, all the fuckin’ colors

Instructions

Mix the first 4 fabulous ingredients, and gradually mix in the next 3 ingredients. When that shit is all mixed together, separate into 6 separate bowls and add a different food color to each bowl.

Look at the fuckin' colorful fridge ready dough!

Look at the fuckin’ colorful fridge ready dough!

Refrigerate the dough for at least an hour. Then, roll that shit into equally sized rectangles (about 2 inches wide, 11 inches long and 1/4 of an inch thick).

TitTip: I drew a big, black rectangle and put that under the parchment paper I rolled the dough onto. This is a pretty fuckin’ clever way to keep all the rectangles the same size.

Fucktacular pride!

Fucktacular pride!

Refrigerate all the layers separately for an hour. Repeat until all your fuckin’ colors are gone.

If you are a planner, you can arrange the colors to resemble the pride flag. I made these cookies twice before I realized I fucked the order up. Fuck it, my goddamn heart was in the right place, and no one noticed since they were mesmerized by the colorful-ass cookies.

Stacked to fuckin' perfection.

Stacked to fuckin’ perfection.

This is where I deviate from the Hungry Rabbit’s instructions. The first time I made these cookies all my layers got smashed together when I tried to cut them and this made them look shitty. The second time I froze the completely stacked dough for an hour and then cut it into segments (about a 1/4 of an inch thick). If you have trouble with runny colors, freeze that shit.

Once you cut the cookie dough, place those lil’ bitches about an inch apart on a pan and bake at 350 degrees for about 12 minutes.

The freshly cut dough and finished product. Consume and feel fabulous!

The freshly cut dough and finished product. Consume and feel fabulous!

Not perfect, but fuckin’ close enough. Look at the Hungry Rabbit’s recipe if you want better looking cookies, you fuckin’ cookie snob.

So. Much. Pride. 

Mother fuckin' pride!

Mother fuckin’ pride!

Here’s one of my cat rocking some rainbow feathers. Cats aren’t as judgmental as people think. They don’t give a fuck about anyone, but they do enjoy looking fabulous.

This pussy is fuckin' fabulous.

This pussy is fuckin’ fabulous.

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Happy Birthday, Kansas State Fair! 100 Fabulous Years!

6 Sep

The Kansas State Fair has baking competitions that invite non-professional bakers to compete for (small) cash prizes and the sweet glory of being a domestic goddess/god. Last year I entered a couple of the cookie baking competitions, and had a lot of fun being a loser.

From last year’s experience I learned: all baking entries are on display in the Domestic Arts building for the entirety of the state fair, which is about two weeks. Even if you lose everyone can see your baked goods on display. This gave me a shittacular idea for this year.

2013 Kansas State Fair Entries

Besides entering in a few cookie and chocolate cake competitions, I entered in two cake decorating competitions, and a special category called “The Governor’s Cookie Jar”.

Both of the cake decorating competitions had a theme of “Happy 100th Birthday, Kansas State Fair”. I didn’t want to break the rules, so I used the theme but twisted that shit a bit.

FYFI: Kansas is a conservative state with an ultra conservative governor, Sam Brownback. (Brownback has backwards views on gay marriage). I stuck with the theme, but picked social issues that: (1) are unresolved in Kansas, and (2) I thought I could depict in cake form.

Here are my two cakes. I used some fondant for the first time for the rainbows.

All families love the shit out of one another.

All families love the shit out of one another.

I’ve only been decorating cakes for less than a year. Act now and you could be making these amazing stick figures in no time!

This cake kept with the birthday-rainbow theme, but was also facing some recent religious inequality of the state, as well.

Wish I had a bigger cake, so I could have put all the religious symbols on the cake.

Wish I had a bigger cake, so I could have put all the religious symbols on the cake.

The other competition called “The Governor’s Cookie Jar”, was much more complicated. I had to have at least 9 varieties of cookies with 5 different types of cookies. If you are counting, that’s a fuckton of cookies! For this competition, you also have a 15 inched cubed area to decorate with the same theme: “Happy 100th Birthday, Kansas State Fair”. I haven’t been this crafty since I was in Girl Scouts, so that’s why it looks like a middle school girl made it.

The fun thing about this competition is that the winner gets to give their jar to the governor. I won’t win, but I have a lot of fun imaging Brownback’s face as I hand it to him. After I hand him the jar, we make a couple of jokes and share an equality cookie.

This is the Governor's Cookie Jar I made because Brownback has a lot of pride in rainbows!

This is the Governor’s Cookie Jar I made because Brownback has a lot of pride in rainbows!

I tried to stick with the rainbow-birthday theme with the ten different kinds of cookies I made for this jar.

So. Much. Fuckin'. Pride.

So. Much. Fuckin’. Pride.

My favorite jar decoration is this Kansas Pride flag I made. I was in San Francisco about a month ago, saw lots of California pride flags, and thought Kansas could use a colorful upgrade.

Make your own Kansas Pride flag! It's so easy a woman with the arts and crafts skills of a middle school girl can do it!

Make your own Kansas Pride flag! It’s so easy a woman with the arts and crafts skills of a middle school girl can do it!

Now I am off to drive about an hour from where I live in Kansas to drop off my creations to be judged by some old people. I think this will be uneventful, but a friend of mine said she is ready to bail me out of “state fair jail” if I get in trouble for the flag.

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