The Foul-Mouthed Baker

***Update: I wrote this before I went vegan, and while re-reading it hurts me deep inside my bleeding fuckin’ vegan heart…I decided to leave this post in its entirety while revamping this blog to make everything vegan. It’s interesting to see how much my views have changed in just a couple of years.

And now for a look back into a non-vegan’s inner-most, deep-down thoughts. Spoiler alert: My thoughts weren’t that deep or clever.***

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I know what you are thinking: “Does it matter if it is bacon or a penis? These are both spectacular things!” You are right, sir or madam.

Background

A friend of mine was defending her dissertation, and I wanted to make her a congratulatory cake to celebrate the occasion. She’s vegan, so I needed to make a vegan cake. Did you know vegans don’t eat meat or any product made from an animal? That includes, to my surprise, butter, milk, and eggs. Way to be difficult and cunty, vegans.

Cake

I looked up chocolate vegan cake recipes on the Interwebs, and decided on this one.

This was the best chocolate cake ever, seriously. I have traded my old stand-by chocolate cake recipe for this one. I know, smug vegans everywhere are fuckin’ celebrating, but I’m okay with that because they have delicious cake. People who have delicious treats can do whatever they want as far as I’m fuckin’ concerned. With that, I retract my previous comment on vegans being cunty. My bad, you have your delicious reasons.

Now, after making the cake I needed to shape it like bacon because vegans love bacon, right? I studied bacon for hours to get the shape just right. I looked at pictures of bacon. I went to the store and looked at all the different types of bacon: smoked applewood bacon, turkey bacon, thick cut bacon, think cut bacon, low sodium bacon, etc. I cooked up multiples types of bacon and tried them all. However, I threw away the excess bacon, since I was making a vegan cake. Vegans don’t like to eat meat, so I thought it would be disrespectful to eat too much bacon.

Already looks like bacon.

Next, I needed to ice the cake, but I didn’t use the icing recipe that came with the cake recipe above. I made my own vegan chocolate butter cream icing because butter cream icing is way better than shitty glaze icing any fuckin’ day.  (I might share the butter cream icing recipe one day.)

TitTip: Butter-flavored Crisco is an excellent substitute for butter. That’s how you can make vegan butter cream icing.

Here’s the bacon cake with the fuckin’ delicious butter cream icing. I added bumps on the cake it make it look like wrinkly bacon.

Then, I needed to color this cake like bacon. I used some vegan flood icing and added in some food coloring.

I decided on pink and light brown icing and dumped it in between some thicker icing. The thicker, white icing acts as a wall that says, “Stop, asshole! You can’t go any further!” When a wall talks, you better fuckin’ listen.

Bacon or penis? Sounds like “Win-win” to me.

At this point I sent a picture of the cake to a couple of friends, and both of them agreed that it looked like a dick. Well, one of them said it looked like Batman, but that asshole is kinda fucked up. I just agreed it needed to be changed in order to make it look more bacon-like.

One friend suggested it needed more white, you know, like the fat deposits found on bacon (Mmmmmm…..fat deposits). I said, “What a great fuckin’ idea!”, and immediately set off to add more icing to recover this cake mess.

Cum-covered bacon is probably the best kind of bacon. It’s all-natural and organic.

So after adding the white, I not only had an accidental dick cake, but an accidental cum-covered dick cake. There’s a premature ejaculation joke there, but I’ll let you figure it out.

I was a little mad and wanted to start over, but then I shrugged. My vegan friend likes bacon, and she also LOVES the cock. So it is probably better that the cake turned out this way.

Meat cake is the best cake.

This cake wouldn’t have been complete without the congratulatory message. Writing on this cake was hard….like a penis. Also, becoming a Dr. is hard….like a penis. Okay, not all penii are hard, but the best ones are.

Aftermath

I wrote the message on this cake in the morning and didn’t look at it again until my friend unveiled it at her party. To my surprise, and everyone else’s amusement, some of my text flooded off the side of the cake. Fuck you, Vegan flood icing, you ruined my goddamned cake!

This was my first sad cake. What the fuck is a sad cake? Check this shit out.

The good thing about making delicious cakes is that even when you mess it up people don’t care. Probably because they are stuffing their face with the best diabeetus around.

Sad cake is sad.

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Tags: Bacon, bacon shaped penis, Baking and Confections, Batman, Butter, Butter Cream Icing, Buttercream, Cake, Cake Fail, Chocolate, Chocolate Butter Cream Icing, Chocolate cake, Crisco, DIABEETUS, Dick, Flood icing, Fuck, Icing, Icing (food), Penis, Sad Cake, Vegan, Vegan Chocolate Butter Cream Icing, Vegan Chocolate Cake, Vegan Flood icing, Veganism, Vegetarian