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Tag Archives: ass

Da Butt

3 Jul

Why Da Butt Cake?

A professor wrote “Is that da-butt” on a biological psychology quiz in reference to a perfect rendition of a brain I drew. Obviously, he is obsessed with ass, so I knew the only way to make him pay attention to a cake was to form it into the perfect tush and make it asstastic!

Probably the best picture of a brain you've ever seen. Yes, I allow people to use this image for free, but for educational purposes only.

Probably the best picture of a brain you’ve ever seen. Yes, I allow people to use this image for free, but for educational purposes only.

Constructing Da Butt

Making da butt cake was fuckin’ easy!

This cake is a tribute to Dr. Seuss: 1 Cheek, 2 Cheeks, Iced Cheeks, Diabeetus Cheeks.

This cake is a tribute to Dr. Seuss: 1 Cheek, 2 Cheeks, Iced Cheeks, Diabeetus Cheeks.

However, the ass cheeks just weren’t round enough. I used the top part of another cake to make nice, rounded ass cheeks.

Ain't no one want no flat ass cake.

Ain’t no one want no flat ass cake.

Then, all that is left is to ice the perfect ass cake.

Don't you just want to smack it with an open palm and then pinch it a bit?

Don’t you just want to smack it with an open palm and then pinch it a bit?

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The Best Fuckin’ Chocolate Chip Cookies

24 Apr

You asked for the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies recipe, and now I’m finally giving it to you. This is a recipe I’ve modified from an old lady cookbook (Crocker, 1978) that I’ve been using since I was a tiny, lil’ fucker.

The Best Fuckin’ Ingredients

  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
  • 1/3 cup of vegan butter, softened
  • 1/3 cup of shortening (That’s right: More fat for the diabeetus lovers out there.)
  • 1 flax egg* (See the note at the end of this shit.)
  • 1 teaspoon of awesome vanilla extract (Don’t use the shitty store brand.)
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 2-4 fuckin’ handfuls of semi-sweet chocolate chips (I use this brand because it pleases most of the shitheads with dietary restrictions, and still tastes fucktacular.)

Mix This Shit Up

Throw the first 6 fuckin’ ingredients into a bowl.

TipTip: Don’t put the vegan butter in the microwave to soften it, like a fuckhead. Just let it sit on the counter for few minutes to get it to room temperature. Have some mother fuckin’ foresight, asshole. Your diabeetus can wait a few extra minutes.

Then, mix the shit out of your ingredients (for a minute or two), until it looks like the picture below. Scrape the bowl down at least once during this process to make sure all the fuckin’ ingredients are nicely mixed.

I can already taste the diabeetus.

I can already taste the diabeetus.

Now, mix in the salt and baking soda. Then, slowly mix in the flour. Don’t throw a fuckton of flour in the bowl at once. You’ll make a huge mess, dickhead. Remember to constantly  scrape the side of the bowl to fully mix all the ingredients, which should take about 5 minutes.

When you have mixed all the ingredients, add in your chocolate chips. I always stock up on chocolate chips, so I never measure the amount of chocolate chips I put in this recipe. I think this assists in maximizing the probability of diabeetus.

Mix in the fuckin' chocolate chips!

Mix in the fuckin’ chocolate chips!

Check out the picture! That is what your dough should fuckin’ look like. Now put that shit into the fridge for at least an hour before you start baking. You can also leave it in the fridge for a couple of days and nom on it before baking.

BTFW: When using the flax egg, you can eat as much as the dough as you want, since you don’t have to worry about getting the shits from eating raw chicken eggs. I heart eating the nommy dough.

Look at this delicious shit!

Look at this delicious shit!

Bake The Fuck Out of These Cookies

  1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees F.
  2. Put parchment paper down on some fuckin’ baking trays.
  3. Grab your dough from the fridge, and throw that shit down on the pan in masses that are about an inch big and a couple of inches apart.
Throw this shit down on your pan. 

Throw this shit down on your pan.

4. Let it bake in the oven for about 5-8 minutes, or until you see a little bit of brown on the outside. Too much brown and that shit will be crunchy. If you are saying to yourself, “But I like crunchy chocolate chip cookies…” Why would you want crunchy chocolate chip cookies? You might as well just buy some nasty Chips Ahoy.

Cookies fresh out of the fuckin' oven. This shit needs to cool down. 

Cookies fresh out of the fuckin’ oven. This shit needs to cool down.

5. Now let that shit cool before you stick it in your mouth, Fatty.

Finished cookies, bitches.

Finished cookies, bitches.

Make A Big Ass Cookie

First, acquire a pizza pan with the holes in the bottom. Then, take out a bunch of dough and try to make the most symmetrical circle possible. Make sure the dough is even throughout (if you have big lumps of dough it won’t bake fully). Also, make sure there are a few inches to spare from the side of the pan, otherwise that shit will spread over the edge.

A big ass circle of dough.

A big ass circle of dough.

You’ll have to watch it, but I bake my giant cookies for about 15 minutes. It may look a little bit underdone in the middle, but that’s okay. If you let it stay in too long, it will get all burnt and taste shitty.

Fully baked big ass cookie!

Fully baked big ass cookie!

Then, get some Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze and decorate your cookie. Maybe you could just drip pieces of the big ass cookie into the icing. Or do whatever you fuckin’ want.

Write something clever on your big ass cookie. Or at least write something...

Write something clever on your big ass cookie. Or at least write something…

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*How to Make a Flax Egg:

  1. Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
  2. Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
  3. If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.

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Valentine’s Day is for Tip Touching

13 Feb

This Valentine’s Day bake some fuckin’ cookies because diabeetus hearts everyone.

Jeebus fish approves of gay unicorn sex.

Jeebus fish approves of gay unicorn sex.

TitTip: Dicks are delicate.

A burnt unicorn broke this delicate cock.

A burnt unicorn broke this delicate cock.

Decorate The Shit Out of Some Cookies Start decorating the cookies. This shit is as easy as 1, 2, 3.

1: Outline the shitty cookies.

1: Outline the shitty cookies.

2: Flood the shitty cookies.

2: Flood the shitty cookies.

3: Write fun, appropriate words on the shitty cookies.

3: Write fun, appropriate words on the shitty cookies.

Setting The Mood Arrange the cookies up in a romantic manner.

Bitches love roses and cookies with sexy messages on them.

Bitches love roses and cookies with sexy messages on them.

If you are wondering why you haven't found true love, it's probably cause you haven't tried anal, you snooty cunt.

If you are wondering why you haven’t found true love, it’s probably cause you haven’t tried anal, you snooty cunt.

Anal fissures are usually caused by tentacles.

Anal fissures are usually caused by tentacles.

If you set the cookies up correctly, you may be lucky enough to participate in some tip touching. Titbit: Tip touching is fucktacular.

It's like Michelangelo made this shit himself.

It’s like Michelangelo made this shit himself.

If you can’t touch tips, then try some…

Probably the best of all the sexes.

Probably the best of all the sexes.

Remember this Valentine’s Day: Don’t be a dick. Eat a dick.

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