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Vegan & Gluten-Free Lemon Tarts

16 Mar

These tarts are the lemon version of these fucktacular chocolate tarts. Like the chocolate tarts, these lemon tarts are also semi-healthy. Not too healthy, but also not super fuckin’ unhealthy. You’d be better off eating kale, but this is an okay and more delicious alternative.

Ingredients: 

The Shit You’ll Need for the Crust:

  • 2 cups coconut flakes
  • 1 cup almond flour or meal
  • 2 tablespoons of sweet syrup (I use FiberYum, which is a low-calorie and low-glycemic sweetener.)
  • 2 tablespoons of lemon juice
  • 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
  • 4 tablespoons of melted coconut oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon of salt

The Shit You’ll Need for the Filling:

  • 1 cup of soaked cashews (I sprout them, but if you are impatient, you can soak them for a couple of hours.)
  • 1/2 cup of melted coconut oil
  • 1/3 cup of vegan milk (Full fat coconut milk works best, but I’ve also used flax milk with success.)
  • 1/3 cup of lemon juice
  • 1/4 cup of sweet syrup
  • 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon of lemon extract
  • 1/4 teaspoon of salt
  • A few pinches of sugar (optional)

How to Make the Fuckin’ Crust:

  1. Put all the crust stuff in a bowl.
Mix that shit.

Mix that shit.

2. Mix that shit until it is combined and looks like the picture below.

Do you like my lumps?

Do you like my lumps?

3. Press 1-2 tablespoons of the crust mixture into the bottoms of mini-cupcake pans or silicone mini-cupcake liners. I heart these silicone liners, as they are a great way to avoid paper waste and the tarts slip out of them super fuckin’ easy. So don’t be a wasteful fucker and get these things.

Press that shit into mini-cupcake liners.

Press that shit into mini-cupcake liners.

How to Make the Fuckin’ Filling:

  1. Throw all the filling ingredients into a food processor or blender and blend that shit until it is smooth.
  2. It will be pretty watery, but that is what it is supposed to fuckin’ look like. If it is too thick, add a tablespoon or two of lemon juice or water. 

    Cashews, milk, n' shit.

    Cashews, milk, n’ shit.

  3. Pour the mixture over the crusts.

    The newly poured mixture is shiny as fuck.

    The newly poured mixture is shiny as fuck.

  4. Put that shit in your fridge for a few hours until it is set.
  5. Once it is set and ready to serve, you can sprinkle a little extra sugar on top. If you’d like your tarts to be, um, tart, then leave the sugar off. If you’d like the tarts to be sweet and give the eater diabetes, then, by all means, please sprinkle some sugar on top.
  6. I usually have a bit of the filling left over, which I put into a container, refrigerate, and eat later. It makes a good pudding-like dessert.
Just a little diabetes on top.

Just a little diabetes on top.

Recommendations: Make this shit like a pro and layer it or add new flavors!

  • To make a spirulina layer, take half the already made filling and mix in 6 tablespoons of spirulina powder and one teaspoon of vanilla in a blender. Pour this mixture on the crust first and let that shit set in the fridge. Pour the lemon filling or another flavor on top.
  • To make a berry flavor, especially blueberry, blend one and a half cups of blueberries, 1/3 cup of coconut oil, and 1/3 cup of vegan milk into the filling. Pour this on top of the crust or your spirulina layer. I’ve also done this with great success with strawberries and raspberries. Berries are delicious as fuck. I do not know why anyone would choose a non-vegan dessert over this or just plain berries. Non-vegan shit is just fuckin’ nasty.
Don't mind the pussies licking my dinner crumbs off the table. Tabbies are rude as fuck.

Don’t mind the pussies licking my dinner crumbs off the table. Tabbies are rude as fuck.

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Semi-Healthy Mini Chocolate Tarts

5 Jan

Why are these tarts are only “semi-healthy” and not super, mega healthy? Because they are still a dessert, but as far as desserts go these tarts aren’t horrible for you. They are the leafy greens of the dessert world. There are even some tips throughout the recipe and at the end to help make these tarts even more sorta, kinda healthy-ish. However, they will never reach kale status, so do not use them as a leafy green replacement.

This recipe is based on a recipe that is based on Hail Merry tarts, so this is a knock-off of a knock-off. It tastes fuckin’ good and isn’t horribly unhealthy, so I have no shame when I make them and shove them in my pie hole.

Ingredients: 

Shit needed for the crust:

  • 1 1/2 cups of almond flour or meal
  • 6 tablespoons of cacao powder
  • 3 tablespoons of delicious syrup (maple syrup or VitaFiber works pretty fuckin’ good)
  • 3 tablespoons of coconut oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon of salt

Shit needed for the filling:

  • 1 1/2 cups of dark cacao powder
  • 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons of delicious syrup
  • 2 tablespoons of coconut oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon of salt
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • Topping: sea salt or pink Himalayan salt

Making the crust: 

  1. Put all the crust ingredients in a bowl and mix them until they are blended. The shit will be lumpy like in the picture below, but that is what you want to see.
  2. Press the crust mixture into the bottoms of a mini cupcake pan. About a tablespoon of the mixture for each mini crust.
This is what the crust looks like in bad lighting.

This is what the crust looks like in bad lighting.

Makin’ the filling: 

  1. Place all the filling ingredients in a bowl or food processor, and blend that shit until it is smooth as fuck.
  2. Once all the ingredients are well blended, fill each of the little crusts with filling.
  3. Sprinkle a tiny fuckin’ bit of sea or pink Himalayan salt on each tart.
  4. Put the tarts in the fridge for about 2 to 4 hours.
  5. Take them out once they are solid and keep that shit covered. They are good for a few days. Once or twice I kept them for a couple of weeks.
  6. *Optional: If you used VitaFiber or some other less sweet syrup, sprinkle a little bit of coconut sugar on top of each tart. You can also sprinkle some extra sugar on top if you used extra sugary syrup, if you want perfect thighs and waistline.
Blurry filling mixture at the top. Overly glared filling mixture at the bottom.

Blurry filling mixture at the top. Overly glared filling mixture at the bottom.

I ate one and then remembered I needed to take a picture. As you can tell, I'm a very professional blogger.

I ate one and then remembered I needed to take a picture. As you can tell, I’m a very professional blogger.

Notes and substitutions for the fucktacular baker (That’s you. You’re fucktacular!):

  • Syrup Substitution: When I first made these, I used maple syrup, but recently I’ve been using VitaFiber. VitaFiber is sugar-free and low calorie, but doesn’t have a shitty aftertaste like other sweeteners. (I’ve also used FiberYum because I have no brand loyalty.) Both of these are a little less sweet than sugar or syrups, so to make the tarts less bitter I sprinkle coconut sugar on top of the tarts when they come out of the fridge. They taste sugar-filled, but they aren’t.
  • Flavor Challenge: Don’t be lame. Go ahead and experiment with other flavors. I added a teaspoon of peppermint extract to the filling for some minty tarts. I’ve also added about half a teaspoon of cinnamon, cardamom, and ginger to make chai flavored tarts.
  • Oil Replacement: The oil in the filling can be replaced with an avocado. I used a whole one once, and that was probably too much as the filling was super, fuckin’ thick (but still tasted fucktacular). I think half or a fourth of an avocado would work much better. Or you can stick with the coconut oil and eat the avocado. God damn, avocadoes are amazing!

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Spicy Chocolate Pie with Avocado and Tortilla Chip Crust: Shove It In Your Pie Hole

8 Dec

I would like to give this pie two awards: (1) Best Fuckin’ Pie I Have Ever Made and (2) Top 3 Pies I’ve Ever Eaten. The pie was very smooth n’ creamy n’ <insert other adjectives used to describe a fucktacular pie>.

Ingredients: 

The shit you’ll need for the crust:

  • 2 cups of tortilla chips with the fuck grounded out of them, called tortilla chip meal (reserve 2 tablespoons for the topping)
  • 1/3 cup of coconut oil
  • 1/3 cup of sugar (or sweetener of your choice. I used VitaFiber Powder)
  • 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon

The shit you’ll need for the filling:

  • 10 ounces of vegan chocolate chips (reserve 2 tablespoons for topping)
  • 1 can of coconut cream (chilled overnight)
  • 1 delicious, ripe avocado
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon of ground cinnamon
  • 1/4 teaspoon of chipotle chile powder

The shit you’ll need for the topping:

  • 1 can of coconut cream (chilled overnight)
  • 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 2 teaspoons of syrupy sweetener of your choice (I used VitaFiber Syrup)
  • 2 tablespoons of reserved tortilla chip meal
  • 2 tablespoons of reserved vegan chocolate chip, chopped

Making the Crust:

  1. Shove those tortilla chips in a blender or food processor and grind them up until you have something that looks like tortilla chip meal.

TitTip: You’ll need two whole cups of tortilla chip meal. I didn’t think about amount of space tortilla chips take up verus tortilla chip meal, and I ran out of tortilla chips. I had to go to the store, so I could buy more tortilla chips when I only needed half a cup more. Yep, I’m a fuckhead; however, it did give me the opportunity to grab blue corn chips and give the crust a bit of color.

Grind that shit up.

Grind that shit up.

2. Grab a bowl and mix the sugar and coconut oil until well combined.

3. Pour the tortilla chip meal into the sugar and oil mixture, along with the cinnamon, and mix.

Stir that shit together.

Stir that shit together.

4. Press the crust mixture into a 9-inch pie plate, put into an oven at 350 degress Fahrenheit, and bake for about 10 to 15 minutes.

Press that shit in the pie plate.

Press that shit in the pie plate.

Making the Filling: 

  1. Melt the chocolate chips in a pan. Be sure not to burn that shit by stirring it a lot.
  2. In the melted chocolate, blend in about 2/3 of a can of chilled coconut cream (use the more solid part of the coconut creme). Mix and keep on low heat until it is smooth as fuck.
  3. Remove from heat and mix in the vanilla extract, ground cinnamon, and chili powder.
Melt that shit together.

Melt that shit together.

4. Put the avocado into a food processor and add the chocolate mixture once it has cooled.

Put that avocado shit in the food processor.

Put that avocado shit in the food processor.

5. Mix it until it is smooth as fuck. Make sure there aren’t any giant pieces of avocado.

Process that shit until it is smooth as fuck.

Process that shit until it is smooth as fuck.

6. Pour the mixture into the cooled pie crust.

7. Refrigerate the pie for at least 4 hour to set.

Pour that shit in a cooled crust. 

Pour that shit in a cooled crust.

Making the Topping:

  1. Scoop out the more solid part of the coconut cream into a chilled bowl.
  2. Beat the coconut creme until it is smooth.
  3. Add the vanilla and syrupy sweetener and beat it some more.
  4. Throw the coconut whipped cream on top of the set pie.
  5. Add the reserved tortilla chip meal and chocolate bits to make your pie look fancy as fuck.
Put that shit in your pie hole.

Put that shit in your pie hole.

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Give Her What you Can’t Tell Her: Diabeetus for Mother’s Day

7 May

I wanted to make something super fuckin’ awesome for my mother for Mother’s Day, and a delicious creamy pie with a sentimental message sounded fucktacular!

FYFI: I love living alone with my four pussies.

FYFI: I love living alone with my four pussies.

At first my mom thought the cake message was cute, but then she thought about it too much and asked if I was blaming my divorce on her. Oh, mother, you don’t understand my jokes. I’m not sure where my fucked-up sense of humor came from. Probably too many hours on the Interwebs.

My mother is very supportive. She tried to read this blog once, and made it through a whole entry before she decided that was enough. If my mother used “the F-word” she would probably say I’m pretty fucked-up, but, you know, in a loving way.

Dat side boob. I mean side view. This is a cake not a tit.

Dat side boob. I mean side view. This is a cake not a tit.

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