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Tag Archives: Birthday Cake

Put This Shit in Your Mouth: Vanilla Cake with Toasted Coconut Icing

8 Jul

Background

This cake was made for one of my most fucktacular friends. She likes cats, desserts, bragging about going to the gym, complaining about Leg Day, and makes me noms, so I made her a birthday cake.

If you want to be a good friend, you will make someone this cake too. Do it, don’t be an asshole.

Fuckin’ Ingredients

For the diabeetus cake:

  • 4 1/2 cups of flour, the vegan kind
  • 1 teaspoon vegan baking soda
  • 4 teaspoons baking powder that fuckin’ vegans use
  • 1 teaspoon vegan salt
  • 2 1/4 cups of harm-free, vegan sugar
  • 1 cup veggie oil, the vegan kind
  • 3 teaspoons vegan vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon coconut extract, it better be vegan
  • 2 tablespoons vegan white vinegar
  • 3 cups milk, make sure that shit is vegan

For the fucktacular icing:

  • 1 cup shortening (Don’t use that animal fat shit. Make sure it’s vegan.)
  • 6 cups vegan powdered sugar
  • Prepared dry soy milk (or another type of dry vegan milk)
  • 2 vanilla beans, make sure you get the vegan ones
  • 1 bag of vegan toasted coconut flakes

*Note: I have learned one thing from reading a shitton of vegan cooking/baking blogs: Reiterate “vegan” on every ingredient, lest your audience forget they are looking at a vegan recipe. 

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Cake: 

1. First, you need make the vegan buttermilk. To do this, put the milk and vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for a bit. Maybe 10 minutes or so. I sort of forgot how long I let mine sit because I didn’t set a timer. The mixture will curdle a little bit, but it is supposed to so don’t fuckin’ worry about it.

Looks like a bowl of cum... Mmmmm...

Looks like a bowl of cum… Mmmmm…

2. Once your super vegan buttermilk has set, mix it with the oil and and the two ultra vegan extracts. Be sure to recheck your ingredients to make sure they are vegan as fuck.

3. Add all the dry, vegan ingredients into bowl with your other vegan ingredients.

4. Mix the shit out of them.

5. Then, mix that shit some more.

Mix all your vegan shit. 

Mix all your vegan shit.

6. Make sure your batter is all smooth n’ shit.

7. Pour that shit you just made into two 9-inch pans that are nicely lubed up with vegan lube (AKA: an oil of your choosing).

8. Put it in the oven for about 35-45 minutes at 350 degrees, or until that shit is the lightest of browns and is slightly separating from the side of the pan.

9. When it is done, let that shit cool on a wire rack.

Fuck. You are awesome at making VEGAN cakes now.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Icing: 

1. Veganly (you know, with the least harm possible) whip up the shortening.

2. Slowly mix in some powdered sugar.

3. As you are adding in powdered sugar, add in the vegan milk, tablespoons at a time, to make the icing more or less thick (depending on your fuckin’ tastes).

4. Cut open the vanilla beans and mix that shit in too. If you want, you can add some coconut extract (a teaspoon or two) for extra vegan goodness.

Making vegans fat. 

Making vegans fat one icing at a time.

Spread that shit on the first layer and cram some toasted coconut on top. Add the next cake layer, and slather that fucktacular icing all over the cake. Then, try to put some more toasted coconut on the top and side of your cake to make that shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

TitTip: Add a border around the edge of your cakes to make them super, fuckin’ classy.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

FYFI: I’m cool with being vegan and other vegans; however, anyone can be annoying, including beautiful vegans. One of those things is to keep saying the ingredients throughout a vegan recipe are vegan. I KNOW THEY ARE! THAT’S WHY I CHOSE THIS FUCKIN’ RECIPE!

I wanted to take anyone who reads this post through that annoying journey. You are so fuckin’ welcome! However, I promise to not be this fuckin’ annoying in the future. Once is funny. Twice makes me an asshole.

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Hashtag Cake

29 Jan

Hashtags on Twitter. Hashtags on Faecbook. What’s next hashtags on cake? Too late, fuckers.

#Diabeetus

#Diabeetus

I’ve made this unicorn poop cake for the same fuckin’ friend for the last three years. Last year’s cake probably contained the worst message I’ve ever written on a cake (so far).

BTFW: Don’t look too close, assholes. You’ll see how I made an outline with a toothpick, and then didn’t follow the fuckin’ outline or smooth that shit out.

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OctoVag > OctoPussy

5 Jun

Last year I made a friend my first foul-mouthed cake. Everyone thought it was pretty fuckin’ inappropriate at the time, but I decided to outdo myself with a shit-ton of mother fuckin’ inappropriateness on her most recent birthday cake. How could I outdo myself? With OctoVag!

All vaginas have a beauty all of their own. I call this work of vaginal art OctoVag.

All vaginas have a beauty all of their own. I call this work of vaginal art OctoVag.

I bought this octopus mold a couple of months prior to the making of this cake knowing that I would use it for my friend, but, at the time, I had no precise plans for it. As with all great artists, the fucktacular idea hit me one day when I was ever-so furiously masturbating.

This octopus resembles a bunch of droopy labia and one extra pointy clitoris. Go ahead. Rub your fuckin' nose in that clit!

This octopus resembles a bunch of droopy labia and one extra pointy clitoris. Go ahead. Rub your fuckin’ nose in that clit!

Dear Foul-Mouthed Baker,

Are you still friends with this person? I don’t see how you can be, since you are obviously a MEGA cunt. Also, I bet your cakes taste like shit and your face is stupid.

Best,
Concerned About Your Social Life

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Howdy Concerned About Your Social Life,

We are still MEGA best forever friends. My friends heart diabeetus and jokes, but especially diabeetus.

Go Fuck Yourself,
The Foul-Mouthed Baker

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2 Assholes, 1 Ugly-Ass Cake

30 Jan

Background

Sometimes you make a bunch of cakes, and then your asshole friends start expecting a cake for their birthday. Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned, store-bought cakes?

This cake was for two people, who shared the same birthday week. Why not two cakes? Because (1) I’m too lazy to make two god-damned cakes, and (2) I didn’t like these people enough to make two separate cakes.

One of the assholes requested a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. He said he would “shit a brick” if I made one. FYFI: I have yet to lay my eyes upon the promised shit brick, which makes him an asshole and a liar (or a hoarder of shit bricks).

Ugly-Ass Cake Ingredients

Don’t forget to grab a fuckton of minty shit:

  • Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies
  • Andes Mints (This is a fucktacular recipe to make a vegan version of Andes Mints, as Andes Mints are not vegan.)
  • Peppermint extract
  • Mint Chocolate Chip Nice Cream (My favorite is Nada Moo.)

Ugly-Ass Cake Construction 

A couple of people insisted that the best ice cream cakes have this crispy layer of chocolate, and that this separates regular ice cream cakes from fucktacular ice cream cakes. Not, I’ve never tried one of these fabled cakes myself, but I thought it would be a good idea to try and produce a crispy layer without any taste-testing or instruction.

  1. Open up a sleeve of Thin Mints. Then, eat the entire sleeve and open up another sleeve. (There are two sleeves per box for a reason. That reason: DIABEETUS.) Continue opening up sleeves of Thin Mints until you manage to get them in a big measuring cup or bowl without eating them all, you fat fuck.
  2. Stab those fuckers with a blunt object to break them up a bit.
  3. Put those shitty pieces in a blender.
  4. Blend the shit out of the pieces.
  5. Melt a couple of tablespoons of vegan butter and mix it with your ground up Thin Mints.
  6. Press this delicious shit into a pan.
NSFL: These images are disturbing. They depict real Girl Scout cookies being smashed into shitty bits. Don't worry, Fatty, you can still eat them later.

NSFL: These images are disturbing. They depict real Girl Scout cookies being smashed into shitty bits. Don’t worry, Fatty, you can still eat them later.

To make the icing, (1) grab your homemade Andes mints (or buy some mint chocolate bars), (2) fuck them up a bit, and (3) mix into Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze with a couple drops of peppermint extract.

Dick snot with a hint of mint.

Dick snot with a hint of mint.

Why did I use a number 1 cake pan? When I saw this in the craft store, I couldn’t help but think about how I could turn it into something unsuitable for one-year old’s birthday.

Now to bake the mother fuckin’ cake!

  1. Spray the pan. This should be a “No Shit” step, since almost all cakes have to have the pan sprayed.
  2. Pour cake batter into the pan.
  3. Bake that shit.
  4. Be an impatient asshole and flip the cake onto a wire rack too soon.
  5. Repeat steps 1-3, but try to skip 4. When you manage to skip 4, you can use a cake leveler to make the top of the cake flat.
  6. Flip that shit over into a container you can put in the freezer. Titbit: You’ll soon realize that you flipped the cake too many fuckin’ time and it is now backwards. DON’T PANIC, FUCK-HEAD! Just flip it once more.
Learn from my fuckin' fails! Or repeat them for lolz.

Learn from my fuckin’ fails! Or repeat them for lolz.

Follow the ice cream cake construction steps here. I’m not retyping that shit in this post for you.

This shit is starting to look super fuckin' ugly.

This shit is starting to look super fuckin’ ugly.

Remember the 2 girls one cup craze? I’m not going to post a link to the video, so if you were living ass-deep in a dick-hole a few years ago, I’ll leave it up to you to Google that shit yourself. Titbit: If I don’t go ahead and supply the link for something, then it’s probably pretty disgusting and very NSFFW.

These two assholes had never seen an uglier cake, or had that much dick snot in their mouths at once. Trying new things is fun!

These two assholes had never seen an uglier cake, or had that much dick snot in their mouths at once. Trying new things is fun!

It turns out I’m horrible at drawing assholes. I decided to go with the emoticons for butts that included an anus.

I was pretty excited that I finally got to use the piping tip that always reminds me of an anus as an actual anus. Look at the picture below. Totally an anus. The people who make the piping tips have a sick sense of humor. I applaud them for this trait.

That's right. Get a little closer. Rub your nose in the asshole.

That’s right. Get a little closer. Rub your nose in the asshole.

My Friends Are Dicks

I sent a picture of this cake to a couple of friends, and because I have wonderfully supportive friends, one of them immediately replied with this:

My wonderfully supportive friends thought I made an ugly-ass cake, but found the most eloquent way to tell me.

My wonderfully supportive friends thought I made an ugly-ass cake, but found the most eloquent way to tell me.

Like ugly people, ugly cakes have a right to live and shouldn’t want to commit suicide. Remember: It’s what’s inside that counts, and this cake tasted as good as the dick mucus it was covered in.

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Unicorn Poop Cake

24 Oct

Background

The dear friend of mine, who originally suggested I make cakes with weird messages, wanted a special cake, but doesn’t like cake; she hearts Jello*. What the fuckin’ fuck?! Why implant cake ideas in my head when you don’t even like the shit, skank?

Still, I had to make her something. This strange recipe was discovered for a Crown Jewel Cake, which combines a cake crust and a Jello filling.

*Mother fuckin’ vegan notes: Jello is not vegan because gelatin is made from animal bones, which is super fuckin’ gross. Never fear, beautiful vegans, Jel is a vegan alternative and can be used in place of Jello or gelatin in this recipe. You’ll also have to replace the eggs and egg yolk with VeganEgg, the egg whites with aquafaba, the butter with a vegan alternative like Earth Balance, and the heavy whipping cream with coconut cream. Shit. I know that is a lot of substitutions, but it is totally worth it.

Cake Construction

The Sprinkle Bakes lady does every step of this recipe so fuckin’ cute that I only included pictures so you could laugh at my attempts to replicate her cute shit.

This shit isn't cute, but close enough!

This shit isn’t cute, but close enough!

I topped this cake off with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze, instead of whatever the Sprinkle Bakes lady said to do. I’ll do whatever I fuckin’ want!

This cake was for my friend’s 30th birthday, and someone else made a joke that being 30 was lower-middle aged. That type of thinking belongs in a cake message.

I heart my friends.

I heart my friends.

This was one of the first cakes I ever decorated. I’d like that to be my excuse for it looking so shitty, but I’ve barely improved. If you don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself.

FYFI: I enjoy telling people to go fuck themselves; however, when someone tells me to go fuck myself, I say, “Done!” I’ve probably masturbated recently, which means I just fucked myself, right? I have no shame in this because I’m pretty awesome at it. I am the master of my own cunt.

This cake was fuckin’ colorful as shit! A friend dubbed the cake “Unicorn Poop Cake”, since it looks like unicorn shit.

I had to reach inside a unicorn's anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.

I had to reach inside a unicorn’s anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.

Unicorn shit tastes like a cake made of cookie dough rainbow beams. Try it out for yourself and let me know. I’ll sit here and be the master of my cunt while I wait for your response.

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