Tag Archives: Veganism

This Thanksgiving I’m Thankful for Dick (Cookies)

23 Nov

I’ve been making all sorts of new dishes, but it has been a while since I’ve decorated anything. The holiday season makes me feel all kinds of creative, especially with dick-shaped items.

The cookie blueprints are always the first step, as the ideas come to life when I draw them like a first-grader on paper.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

After you have baked and cooled your cocks you can start decorating them.

If you need some help with baking and forming the penis cookies, see a few tips from previous posts:

As you can see, the holidays are a great time to make and distribute some fucktacular cockies (cock + cookies = cockies).

Decorating one cockie at a time is hard, so I usually do one color across all the cockies at once.

One shitty color at a time.

One shitty color at a time.

Then, add a couple more colors.

This shit is almost done!

This shit is almost done!

The fuckin’ guests have arrived!

All the mother fuckin' guests have arrived.

All the mother fuckin’ guests have arrived.

Here’s the artist’s (that’s me!) interpretation of the first Thanksgiving. Yes, I do imagine everyone as a dick. Yes, even you.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin' hearts.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin’ hearts.

There’s No Turkey On The Table. What The Fuck? 

For a long time I suffered like most ‘Muricans and ate turkey every Thanksgiving. I say “suffered” because I thought turkey tasted like shit, but I had to eat some or I couldn’t have any cookies. When I became an adult, I ate turkey because (1) everyone else did, (2) I didn’t want to hurt the cook’s feelings, and (3) I didn’t think much about the food I was putting in my mouth and where it came from. I rewarded myself with cookies before and after completion of this fowl task. (Get it? Fowl = foul! Yes, I hate myself a lil’ bit for that pun, and even more for explaining that shit.)

I gave up eating animals when I went vegan, but I honestly still did not care about birds like I do mammals. It is hard to shake a fuckin’ unfounded hatred of birds (or anything) when you’ve had it most of your life.

To try and break from my speciesist ways, I watch Interweb videos of animals I don’t like too much being cute as fuck. I found the following video of a woman who rescues a couple of turkeys every Thanksgiving.

I’m glad my HOA doesn’t allow for farm animals or I’d be two turkeys away from crazy town.

Well, I do have four cats, so I’m already in crazy town.

Fuck.

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Are Orgasms Vegan?

24 Jun

In the past I have made a few fucktacular vegan desserts. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a delicious, diabeetus-filled gateway to a lifestyle change into veganism.

Yes, I’m a Fuckin’ Vegan

Yes, all the shittacular desserts posted on this blog will be vegan from now on. I’m also going  to remake shit to give them a vegan tweak. (**Update: I finally remade and tweaked the recipes. It only took me a year and a half. Look for “Veganize this shit”, as it will give tips on how to make linked recipes vegan.)

The best part about vegan desserts is you non-vegans can enjoy them as well, unless you have some fuckin’ allergies or some shit like that. However, I’m too nice, so I will probably try to make stuff gluten and nut free.

Shitty Questions About Vegan Baking

People have asked me all kinds of shit since I decided to be vegan. Here are some of the questions:

1. “How are you going to bake now?“

Answer: Same way I always have. Like a fuckin’ badass cunt.

2. “You made this? It’s vegan?“

Answer: Yes, everything I bake from now on will be vegan as fuck.

3. “How do you make cookies/cake/other-diabeetus-treats vegan? What is in this?” *skeptical stare*

Answer: It is incredibly easy to make anything you want vegan as long as you aren’t a lazy-ass fuck. I go to the same grocery store as you normal shitheads, but buy the shit that’s cruelty-free.

4. “I bet vegan desserts don’t taste as good as ‘the real thing’.“

Answer: Vegan desserts aren’t fake ass shit. They are the real thing. It is highly likely that you have had a vegan dessert and didn’t fuckin’ realize it.

All of the vegan desserts I’ve made so far are as good if not better than their non-vegan counterparts. Maybe you should stop jumping to conclusions about things you don’t know shit about.

5. “This cookie is delicious. There’s butter in this, isn’t there? Tastes and looks like the cookies my grandma used to make.“

Answer: Nope. No dairy, cruelty-filled butter. That shit is vegan.

*giggles* I have really enjoyed tricking people thus far.

6. “Vegans are lame. And boring. Will this be reflected in your baking?“

Answer: You’re a judgey asshole. No cupcake for you.

7. “Are orgasms vegan?“

Answer: Yes. The real question should be: Are batteries vegan?

8. “Will you still write inappropriate stuff on desserts that is fun for the whole family?“

Answer: Fuck yes! Otherwise, I’d have to change the name of the blog to some lame-ass shit, like Cute Cupcake Farts for Babies or Titty Sprinkles. (As you can see I can’t even think of a fuckin’ appropriate name for a baking blog, so I’ll stick with being foul-mouthed.)

Here’s a particularly clever one I made recently for a couple of awesome co-workers. I presented it to them at a meeting we had together on Friday morning because presentation is the fuckin’ key.

Yes, this shit is vegan. Next time I need to add titty sprinkles. 

Yes, this shit is vegan. Next time I need to add titty sprinkles.

Here’s Some Shit That’s Vegan:

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The Best Fuckin’ Chocolate Chip Cookies

24 Apr

You asked for the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies recipe, and now I’m finally giving it to you. This is a recipe I’ve modified from an old lady cookbook (Crocker, 1978) that I’ve been using since I was a tiny, lil’ fucker.

The Best Fuckin’ Ingredients

  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
  • 1/3 cup of vegan butter, softened
  • 1/3 cup of shortening (That’s right: More fat for the diabeetus lovers out there.)
  • 1 flax egg* (See the note at the end of this shit.)
  • 1 teaspoon of awesome vanilla extract (Don’t use the shitty store brand.)
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 2-4 fuckin’ handfuls of semi-sweet chocolate chips (I use this brand because it pleases most of the shitheads with dietary restrictions, and still tastes fucktacular.)

Mix This Shit Up

Throw the first 6 fuckin’ ingredients into a bowl.

TipTip: Don’t put the vegan butter in the microwave to soften it, like a fuckhead. Just let it sit on the counter for few minutes to get it to room temperature. Have some mother fuckin’ foresight, asshole. Your diabeetus can wait a few extra minutes.

Then, mix the shit out of your ingredients (for a minute or two), until it looks like the picture below. Scrape the bowl down at least once during this process to make sure all the fuckin’ ingredients are nicely mixed.

I can already taste the diabeetus.

I can already taste the diabeetus.

Now, mix in the salt and baking soda. Then, slowly mix in the flour. Don’t throw a fuckton of flour in the bowl at once. You’ll make a huge mess, dickhead. Remember to constantly  scrape the side of the bowl to fully mix all the ingredients, which should take about 5 minutes.

When you have mixed all the ingredients, add in your chocolate chips. I always stock up on chocolate chips, so I never measure the amount of chocolate chips I put in this recipe. I think this assists in maximizing the probability of diabeetus.

Mix in the fuckin' chocolate chips!

Mix in the fuckin’ chocolate chips!

Check out the picture! That is what your dough should fuckin’ look like. Now put that shit into the fridge for at least an hour before you start baking. You can also leave it in the fridge for a couple of days and nom on it before baking.

BTFW: When using the flax egg, you can eat as much as the dough as you want, since you don’t have to worry about getting the shits from eating raw chicken eggs. I heart eating the nommy dough.

Look at this delicious shit!

Look at this delicious shit!

Bake The Fuck Out of These Cookies

  1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees F.
  2. Put parchment paper down on some fuckin’ baking trays.
  3. Grab your dough from the fridge, and throw that shit down on the pan in masses that are about an inch big and a couple of inches apart.
Throw this shit down on your pan. 

Throw this shit down on your pan.

4. Let it bake in the oven for about 5-8 minutes, or until you see a little bit of brown on the outside. Too much brown and that shit will be crunchy. If you are saying to yourself, “But I like crunchy chocolate chip cookies…” Why would you want crunchy chocolate chip cookies? You might as well just buy some nasty Chips Ahoy.

Cookies fresh out of the fuckin' oven. This shit needs to cool down. 

Cookies fresh out of the fuckin’ oven. This shit needs to cool down.

5. Now let that shit cool before you stick it in your mouth, Fatty.

Finished cookies, bitches.

Finished cookies, bitches.

Make A Big Ass Cookie

First, acquire a pizza pan with the holes in the bottom. Then, take out a bunch of dough and try to make the most symmetrical circle possible. Make sure the dough is even throughout (if you have big lumps of dough it won’t bake fully). Also, make sure there are a few inches to spare from the side of the pan, otherwise that shit will spread over the edge.

A big ass circle of dough.

A big ass circle of dough.

You’ll have to watch it, but I bake my giant cookies for about 15 minutes. It may look a little bit underdone in the middle, but that’s okay. If you let it stay in too long, it will get all burnt and taste shitty.

Fully baked big ass cookie!

Fully baked big ass cookie!

Then, get some Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze and decorate your cookie. Maybe you could just drip pieces of the big ass cookie into the icing. Or do whatever you fuckin’ want.

Write something clever on your big ass cookie. Or at least write something...

Write something clever on your big ass cookie. Or at least write something…

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*How to Make a Flax Egg:

  1. Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
  2. Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
  3. If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.

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Dear Vegans, Thanks for Being Fuckin’ Picky Eaters

1 Nov

Today is World Vegan Day! In honor of this day, I will share all the fucktacular stuff I have learned from baking for my vegan friends.

1. The best chocolate cake recipe ever is vegan. I was fuckin’ shocked at how good a cake could be without butter and eggs. I feel like meat and animal products have let me down.

2. Exchanging butter for butter-flavored shortening doesn’t change the taste of icing. My favorite icing is now my own chocolate buttercream icing, which I make vegan. Again, animal products are letting me down. WHAT THE FUCK, ANIMALS?!?! If I can’t use you in baking, you will soon be rendered useless to me, which would allow you to live a longer, happier life.

3. Food fur thought: Can vegans eat the cat fur that will probably be in my baked goods? Keeping cat fur out of my baked goods is mission fuckin’ impossible. (It is also impossible to keep cat fur off my clothes, couch, bartender, tits, floor, vagina, friends, and right eye). I wondered how vegans felt about cat fur in their food. Well, when in doubt, ask a vegan! (That should be a weekly video blog: Ask a Vegan!) I queried a vegan friend and she said since the “cats gave up their fur willingly” it was okay for her to eat a cake with cat fur in it. Since all vegans are the same, I’m pretty sure I don’t need to confirm this with anymore vegans. That fuckin’ mystery is solved!

Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!

Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!

I’ve learned so much this fuckin’ year, and I owe some of that to vegans and their strange, self-inflicted dietary restrictions. Thanks for being so fuckin’ picky, vegans!

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Unicorn Poop Cake

24 Oct

Background

The dear friend of mine, who originally suggested I make cakes with weird messages, wanted a special cake, but doesn’t like cake; she hearts Jello*. What the fuckin’ fuck?! Why implant cake ideas in my head when you don’t even like the shit, skank?

Still, I had to make her something. This strange recipe was discovered for a Crown Jewel Cake, which combines a cake crust and a Jello filling.

*Mother fuckin’ vegan notes: Jello is not vegan because gelatin is made from animal bones, which is super fuckin’ gross. Never fear, beautiful vegans, Jel is a vegan alternative and can be used in place of Jello or gelatin in this recipe. You’ll also have to replace the eggs and egg yolk with VeganEgg, the egg whites with aquafaba, the butter with a vegan alternative like Earth Balance, and the heavy whipping cream with coconut cream. Shit. I know that is a lot of substitutions, but it is totally worth it.

Cake Construction

The Sprinkle Bakes lady does every step of this recipe so fuckin’ cute that I only included pictures so you could laugh at my attempts to replicate her cute shit.

This shit isn't cute, but close enough!

This shit isn’t cute, but close enough!

I topped this cake off with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze, instead of whatever the Sprinkle Bakes lady said to do. I’ll do whatever I fuckin’ want!

This cake was for my friend’s 30th birthday, and someone else made a joke that being 30 was lower-middle aged. That type of thinking belongs in a cake message.

I heart my friends.

I heart my friends.

This was one of the first cakes I ever decorated. I’d like that to be my excuse for it looking so shitty, but I’ve barely improved. If you don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself.

FYFI: I enjoy telling people to go fuck themselves; however, when someone tells me to go fuck myself, I say, “Done!” I’ve probably masturbated recently, which means I just fucked myself, right? I have no shame in this because I’m pretty awesome at it. I am the master of my own cunt.

This cake was fuckin’ colorful as shit! A friend dubbed the cake “Unicorn Poop Cake”, since it looks like unicorn shit.

I had to reach inside a unicorn's anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.

I had to reach inside a unicorn’s anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.

Unicorn shit tastes like a cake made of cookie dough rainbow beams. Try it out for yourself and let me know. I’ll sit here and be the master of my cunt while I wait for your response.

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