Advertisements
Tag Archives: Baking

Semi-Healthy Mini Chocolate Tarts

5 Jan

Why are these tarts are only “semi-healthy” and not super, mega healthy? Because they are still a dessert, but as far as desserts go these tarts aren’t horrible for you. They are the leafy greens of the dessert world. There are even some tips throughout the recipe and at the end to help make these tarts even more sorta, kinda healthy-ish. However, they will never reach kale status, so do not use them as a leafy green replacement.

This recipe is based on a recipe that is based on Hail Merry tarts, so this is a knock-off of a knock-off. It tastes fuckin’ good and isn’t horribly unhealthy, so I have no shame when I make them and shove them in my pie hole.

Ingredients: 

Shit needed for the crust:

  • 1 1/2 cups of almond flour or meal
  • 6 tablespoons of cacao powder
  • 3 tablespoons of delicious syrup (maple syrup or VitaFiber works pretty fuckin’ good)
  • 3 tablespoons of coconut oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon of salt

Shit needed for the filling:

  • 1 1/2 cups of dark cacao powder
  • 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons of delicious syrup
  • 2 tablespoons of coconut oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon of salt
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Making the crust: 

  1. Put all the crust ingredients in a bowl and mix them until they are blended. The shit will be lumpy like in the picture below, but that is what you want to see.
  2. Press the crust mixture into the bottoms of a mini cupcake pan. About a tablespoon of the mixture for each mini crust.
This is what the crust looks like in bad lighting.

This is what the crust looks like in bad lighting.

Makin’ the filling: 

  1. Place all the filling ingredients in a bowl or food processor, and blend that shit until it is smooth as fuck.
  2. Once all the ingredients are well blended, fill each of the little crusts with filling.
  3. Put the tarts in the fridge for about 2 to 4 hours.
  4. Take them out once they are solid and keep that shit covered. They are good for a few days. Once or twice I kept them for a couple of weeks.
  5. *Optional: If you used VitaFiber or some other less sweet syrup, sprinkle a little bit of coconut sugar on top of each tart. You can also sprinkle some extra sugar on top if you used extra sugary syrup, if you want perfect thighs and waistline.
Blurry filling mixture at the top. Overly glared filling mixture at the bottom.

Blurry filling mixture at the top. Overly glared filling mixture at the bottom.

I ate one and then remembered I needed to take a picture. As you can tell, I'm a very professional blogger.

I ate one and then remembered I needed to take a picture. As you can tell, I’m a very professional blogger.

Notes and substitutions for the fucktacular baker (That’s you. You’re fucktacular!):

  • Syrup Substitution: When I first made these, I used maple syrup, but recently I’ve been using VitaFiber. VitaFiber is sugar-free and low calorie, but doesn’t have a shitty aftertaste like other sweeteners. (I’ve also used FiberYum because I have no brand loyalty.) Both of these are a little less sweet than sugar or syrups, so to make the tarts less bitter I sprinkle coconut sugar on top of the tarts when they come out of the fridge. They taste sugar-filled, but they aren’t.
  • Flavor Challenge: Don’t be lame and experiment with other flavors. I added a teaspoon of peppermint extract to the filling for some minty tarts. I’ve also added about half a teaspoon of cinnamon, cardamom, and ginger to make chai flavored tarts.
  • Oil Replacement: The oil in the filling can be replaced with an avocado. I used a whole one once, and that was probably too much as the filling was super, fuckin’ thick (but still tasted fucktacular). I think half or a fourth of an avocado would work much better. Or you can stick with the coconut oil and eat the avocado. God damn, avocadoes are amazing!

__________

Advertisements

The Best Damn Sugar Cookies: Sturdy, Vegan, and Gluten-Free

22 Dec

I have made a fuckton of cookies of different shapes and sizes. The most common shape and size are large dicks, but don’t take my word for it. Here they are for your viewing pleasure:

All these wonderful cookies were made from a random recipe I found on the Interwebs. I have made the recipe even more fucktacular over the years, and I will now share it with you because you deserve a tasty cookie full of diabetes.

__________

The shit you’ll need for the cookie:

  • 1 cup of vegan butter (I use soy-free Earth Balance.)
  • 1 cup of organic granulated sugar
  • 2 flax eggs* or Vegan Eggs
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla
  • 3 cups of gluten-free flour blend (I use mother fuckin’ Pamela’s.)
  • 3/4 teaspoon of Xanthan Gum
  • 2 teaspoons of baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon of salt

The shit you’ll need for the icing:

  • 1 cup of organic powdered sugar
  • 2 teaspoons of water
  • 2 teaspoons of clear syrup (I use this shit.)
  • 1/4 teaspoon of almond extract
  • Food coloring of your choice

Make some fuckin’ cookies:

    1. In a large mixing bowl, cream the fuck out of the butter and sugar.
    2. Make the vegan or flax eggs. If using the Vegan Eggs, prepare it according to the package. Use the following instructions to make flax eggs:
      • Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
      • Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
      • If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.
      • This make 1 egg equivalent, so you’ll need twice this much for this recipe.
    3. Beat in the vegan (or flax) eggs and vanilla.
    4. Mix in the xanthan gum, baking powder, and salt.
    5. Then, slowly mix in the flour. If you mix more than a cup at a time that shit will go all over your kitchen.
    6. Chill that shit in the fridge, overnight. (Plan ahead, bitch.)
    7. When ready to bake, preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
    8. Roll out the dough and cut into your desired shapes. I prefer dicks, but you can pick whatever lame shape you want. Probably hearts or some other dumb shit.
    9. Place the shapes on the pan about an inch or two apart and bake for 10-15 minutes or until they are lightly golden.
    10. Be sure this shit is completely cool before you try to apply the fuckin’ icing.
Vegan eggs on the left and flax eggs on the right. This shit looks pretty gross, but tastes pretty fuckin' good.

Vegan eggs on the left and flax eggs on the right. This shit looks pretty gross, but tastes pretty fuckin’ good.

The dough labeled "Fuck" is with flax eggs and the dough that is not labeled "Fuck" is with vegan eggs.

The dough labeled “Fuck” is with flax eggs and the dough that is not labeled “Fuck” is with vegan eggs.

Here's a fuckton of cookies I've made.

Here’s a fuckton of cookies I’ve made.

How to make the icing:

      1. Stir the powdered sugar and water together until it is smooth as fuck.
      2. Add your clear syrup and almond extract. Mix until it is glossy. If the icing is too thick add more syrup.
      3. Divide your icing into bowls and mix in the food coloring. You can dip the cookies or write on them.
      4. This shit will dry out quickly, so use it fast or cover with a moist cloth to keep from drying out.
Here's some shit I've decorated. Yes, I even made cookies that weren't penis shaped for a 2 year old's Paw Patrol birthday party. I still don't know what the shit "Paw Patrol" is.

Here’s some shit I’ve decorated. Yes, I even made cookies that weren’t penis shaped for a 2 year old’s Paw Patrol birthday party. I still don’t know what the shit “Paw Patrol” is.

__________

Spicy Chocolate Pie with Avocado and Tortilla Chip Crust: Shove It In Your Pie Hole

8 Dec

I would like to give this pie two awards: (1) Best Fuckin’ Pie I Have Ever Made and (2) Top 3 Pies I’ve Ever Eaten. The pie was very smooth n’ creamy n’ <insert other adjectives used to describe a fucktacular pie>.

Ingredients: 

The shit you’ll need for the crust:

  • 2 cups of tortilla chips with the fuck grounded out of them, called tortilla chip meal (reserve 2 tablespoons for the topping)
  • 1/3 cup of coconut oil
  • 1/3 cup of sugar (or sweetener of your choice. I used VitaFiber Powder)
  • 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon

The shit you’ll need for the filling:

  • 10 ounces of vegan chocolate chips (reserve 2 tablespoons for topping)
  • 1 can of coconut cream (chilled overnight)
  • 1 delicious, ripe avocado
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon of ground cinnamon
  • 1/4 teaspoon of chipotle chile powder

The shit you’ll need for the topping:

  • 1 can of coconut cream (chilled overnight)
  • 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 2 teaspoons of syrupy sweetener of your choice (I used VitaFiber Syrup)
  • 2 tablespoons of reserved tortilla chip meal
  • 2 tablespoons of reserved vegan chocolate chip, chopped

Making the Crust:

  1. Shove those tortilla chips in a blender or food processor and grind them up until you have something that looks like tortilla chip meal.

TitTip: You’ll need two whole cups of tortilla chip meal. I didn’t think about amount of space tortilla chips take up verus tortilla chip meal, and I ran out of tortilla chips. I had to go to the store, so I could buy more tortilla chips when I only needed half a cup more. Yep, I’m a fuckhead; however, it did give me the opportunity to grab blue corn chips and give the crust a bit of color.

Grind that shit up.

Grind that shit up.

2. Grab a bowl and mix the sugar and coconut oil until well combined.

3. Pour the tortilla chip meal into the sugar and oil mixture, along with the cinnamon, and mix.

Stir that shit together.

Stir that shit together.

4. Press the crust mixture into a 9-inch pie plate, put into an oven at 350 degress Fahrenheit, and bake for about 10 to 15 minutes.

Press that shit in the pie plate.

Press that shit in the pie plate.

Making the Filling: 

  1. Melt the chocolate chips in a pan. Be sure not to burn that shit by stirring it a lot.
  2. In the melted chocolate, blend in about 2/3 of a can of chilled coconut cream (use the more solid part of the coconut creme). Mix and keep on low heat until it is smooth as fuck.
  3. Remove from heat and mix in the vanilla extract, ground cinnamon, and chili powder.
Melt that shit together.

Melt that shit together.

4. Put the avocado into a food processor and add the chocolate mixture once it has cooled.

Put that avocado shit in the food processor.

Put that avocado shit in the food processor.

5. Mix it until it is smooth as fuck. Make sure there aren’t any giant pieces of avocado.

Process that shit until it is smooth as fuck.

Process that shit until it is smooth as fuck.

6. Pour the mixture into the cooled pie crust.

7. Refrigerate the pie for at least 4 hour to set.

Pour that shit in a cooled crust. 

Pour that shit in a cooled crust.

Making the Topping:

  1. Scoop out the more solid part of the coconut cream into a chilled bowl.
  2. Beat the coconut creme until it is smooth.
  3. Add the vanilla and syrupy sweetener and beat it some more.
  4. Throw the coconut whipped cream on top of the set pie.
  5. Add the reserved tortilla chip meal and chocolate bits to make your pie look fancy as fuck.
Put that shit in your pie hole.

Put that shit in your pie hole.

__________

This Thanksgiving I’m Thankful for Dick (Cookies)

23 Nov

I’ve been making all sorts of new dishes, but it has been a while since I’ve decorated anything. The holiday season makes me feel all kinds of creative, especially with dick-shaped items.

The cookie blueprints are always the first step, as the ideas come to life when I draw them like a first-grader on paper.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

After you have baked and cooled your cocks you can start decorating them.

If you need some help with baking and forming the penis cookies, see a few tips from previous posts:

As you can see, the holidays are a great time to make and distribute some fucktacular cockies (cock + cookies = cockies).

Decorating one cockie at a time is hard, so I usually do one color across all the cockies at once.

One shitty color at a time.

One shitty color at a time.

Then, add a couple more colors.

This shit is almost done!

This shit is almost done!

The fuckin’ guests have arrived!

All the mother fuckin' guests have arrived.

All the mother fuckin’ guests have arrived.

Here’s the artist’s (that’s me!) interpretation of the first Thanksgiving. Yes, I do imagine everyone as a dick. Yes, even you.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin' hearts.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin’ hearts.

There’s No Turkey On The Table. What The Fuck? 

For a long time I suffered like most ‘Muricans and ate turkey every Thanksgiving. I say “suffered” because I thought turkey tasted like shit, but I had to eat some or I couldn’t have any cookies. When I became an adult, I ate turkey because (1) everyone else did, (2) I didn’t want to hurt the cook’s feelings, and (3) I didn’t think much about the food I was putting in my mouth and where it came from. I rewarded myself with cookies before and after completion of this fowl task. (Get it? Fowl = foul! Yes, I hate myself a lil’ bit for that pun, and even more for explaining that shit.)

I gave up eating animals when I went vegan, but I honestly still did not care about birds like I do mammals. It is hard to shake a fuckin’ unfounded hatred of birds (or anything) when you’ve had it most of your life.

To try and break from my speciesist ways, I watch Interweb videos of animals I don’t like too much being cute as fuck. I found the following video of a woman who rescues a couple of turkeys every Thanksgiving.

I’m glad my HOA doesn’t allow for farm animals or I’d be two turkeys away from crazy town.

Well, I do have four cats, so I’m already in crazy town.

Fuck.

__________

Put This Shit in Your Mouth: Vanilla Cake with Toasted Coconut Icing

8 Jul

Background

This cake was made for one of my most fucktacular friends. She likes cats, desserts, bragging about going to the gym, complaining about Leg Day, and makes me noms, so I made her a birthday cake.

If you want to be a good friend, you will make someone this cake too. Do it, don’t be an asshole.

Fuckin’ Ingredients

For the diabeetus cake:

  • 4 1/2 cups of flour, the vegan kind
  • 1 teaspoon vegan baking soda
  • 4 teaspoons baking powder that fuckin’ vegans use
  • 1 teaspoon vegan salt
  • 2 1/4 cups of harm-free, vegan sugar
  • 1 cup veggie oil, the vegan kind
  • 3 teaspoons vegan vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon coconut extract, it better be vegan
  • 2 tablespoons vegan white vinegar
  • 3 cups milk, make sure that shit is vegan

For the fucktacular icing:

  • 1 cup shortening (Don’t use that animal fat shit. Make sure it’s vegan.)
  • 6 cups vegan powdered sugar
  • Prepared dry soy milk (or another type of dry vegan milk)
  • 2 vanilla beans, make sure you get the vegan ones
  • 1 bag of vegan toasted coconut flakes

*Note: I have learned one thing from reading a shitton of vegan cooking/baking blogs: Reiterate “vegan” on every ingredient, lest your audience forget they are looking at a vegan recipe. 

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Cake: 

1. First, you need make the vegan buttermilk. To do this, put the milk and vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for a bit. Maybe 10 minutes or so. I sort of forgot how long I let mine sit because I didn’t set a timer. The mixture will curdle a little bit, but it is supposed to so don’t fuckin’ worry about it.

Looks like a bowl of cum... Mmmmm...

Looks like a bowl of cum… Mmmmm…

2. Once your super vegan buttermilk has set, mix it with the oil and and the two ultra vegan extracts. Be sure to recheck your ingredients to make sure they are vegan as fuck.

3. Add all the dry, vegan ingredients into bowl with your other vegan ingredients.

4. Mix the shit out of them.

5. Then, mix that shit some more.

Mix all your vegan shit. 

Mix all your vegan shit.

6. Make sure your batter is all smooth n’ shit.

7. Pour that shit you just made into two 9-inch pans that are nicely lubed up with vegan lube (AKA: an oil of your choosing).

8. Put it in the oven for about 35-45 minutes at 350 degrees, or until that shit is the lightest of browns and is slightly separating from the side of the pan.

9. When it is done, let that shit cool on a wire rack.

Fuck. You are awesome at making VEGAN cakes now.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Icing: 

1. Veganly (you know, with the least harm possible) whip up the shortening.

2. Slowly mix in some powdered sugar.

3. As you are adding in powdered sugar, add in the vegan milk, tablespoons at a time, to make the icing more or less thick (depending on your fuckin’ tastes).

4. Cut open the vanilla beans and mix that shit in too. If you want, you can add some coconut extract (a teaspoon or two) for extra vegan goodness.

Making vegans fat. 

Making vegans fat one icing at a time.

Spread that shit on the first layer and cram some toasted coconut on top. Add the next cake layer, and slather that fucktacular icing all over the cake. Then, try to put some more toasted coconut on the top and side of your cake to make that shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

TitTip: Add a border around the edge of your cakes to make them super, fuckin’ classy.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

FYFI: I’m cool with being vegan and other vegans; however, anyone can be annoying, including beautiful vegans. One of those things is to keep saying the ingredients throughout a vegan recipe are vegan. I KNOW THEY ARE! THAT’S WHY I CHOSE THIS FUCKIN’ RECIPE!

I wanted to take anyone who reads this post through that annoying journey. You are so fuckin’ welcome! However, I promise to not be this fuckin’ annoying in the future. Once is funny. Twice makes me an asshole.

__________