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Tag Archives: veganize

A Dick Under The Heel Is Worth Two By The Balls

10 Apr

Background

A smart, beautiful friend of mine has been a fan of my fucktacular baking for some time and my blogging since the beginning. She has put a lot of my shit in her mouth, but I haven’t had the chance to make something especially for her. A few months ago a mutual friend of ours sent me a picture of some high heel cupcakes, and said they would be great for our friend. She is a fancy lady who enjoys pretty shoes, so they would be perfect for her. However, I needed to put a twist on them that my friend would enjoy and would stay true to my baking style. My idea was quite natural, since my friend is a powerful lady that steps on dicks where ever she goes.

Dicktacular Cupcake Instructions

The four dicktacular steps:

  1. Make the dicks
  2. Make the mother fuckin’ cupcakes
  3. Gather cute shit
  4. Construct the fuckin’ fancy shoes

1. Make The Dicks

This is step #1 because this is why you are here. If I didn’t put this first you would just be screaming at your screen in anger: “WHERE ARE THE FUCKIN’ COCKS, YOU ASSHOLE BLOGGER!”

Be sure to locate the most realistic penii mold possible because no one wants to put a cartoon cock in their mouth. You can use melt dark, milk, and white chocolate for the penii. You’ll probably need to trim them a bit afterward.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

Make sure you make them all different colors, or your cupcakes will be boring, bland, and racist.

Colorful penii!

Colorful penii!

I’ll give my best fuckin’ friendship to whoever can make these cream-filled. And….GO!

2. Make The Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes

You can make this with your favorite cupcake recipe. Here are some suggestions: margarita cupcakes, mother fuckin’ cookie butter cupcakes, and potato chip and pretzel cupcakes.

Follow these easy steps, fuckhead:

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

2. Let that shit cool.

2. Let that shit cool.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Gather Cute Shit

I hope you looked at the high heel cupcakes made by others. That shit is cute, so I tried to make this shit cute too.

First, you should decide on your shank (FYFI: I discovered, with my Google-ing expertise, a shank is the part of the high heel shoe below the arch.) I made these shanks with white chocolate covered oval-shaped cookies.

TitTip: I would suggest using something graham crackers. Graham crackers would be light enough to hold ingredients, but not so heavy as to weigh down and fuck up some of the shoes.

Gather all the cutest decorating shit you can find. Sprinkles, candies, colored sugar, and maybe more dicks. Dicks can be cute, right?

4. Construct The Fuckin’ Shoes

These were the best instructions on how to construct the high heeled shoes that I could fuckin’ find. You’ll have to change them a bit to compensate for the cock, but who hasn’t had to do some compromising and compensate for a little bit of dick?

First, dig a spoon-sized hole in the backside of the cupcake. Be sure to eat what you dug out of the cupcake to optimize your chances of diabeetus. Next, insert your cookie in the hole at an angle. Then, get a little bit of melted chocolate, take a carefully measured and cut thick pretzels and put it between your shoe shank and a dick.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

Side dick view? Sure, if there is "side boob", why not side dick?

Side dick view! Sure, if there is “side boob”, why not “side dick”?

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Mother fuckin' close-ups!

Mother fuckin’ close-ups!

Get in real close. Don't be shy.

Get in real close. Don’t be shy.

The cupcakes arrived at their destination in pieces and broken. The cookies fell off the cupcakes and the heels slid off the cocks. I guess it’s safe to say these dicks had a rough ride. *winky face*

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Celebrate Halloween With This Moist Delight

31 Oct

I made a giant, vodka-infused Jello*-shot skull for a friend. This shit will get you drunk, and give you a mysterious, moist hickey**.

**RESULTS MAY VARY

*Jello is not vegan, but you can use Jel, which is a vegan substitute for Jello. Now we are making a giant Jel-shot.

Ingredients

  • Fuck load of Jel flavors (your choice)
  • Sweetened condensed coconut milk
  • ShitTon of Unflavored Jel
  • Cheap vodka (Don’t spend money on fuckin’ Grey Goose, or some other snooty shit.)
  • Water (to moisten this shit)
  • Cooking oil spray (I used coconut oil)

Construction

This is what I did to make the vodka-infused Je;-shots:

  1. Boil about half a cup of water (WARNING: Contents will be fuckin’ hot! Don’t touch that shit!)
  2. Mix in one package of flavored Jel
  3. Make sure the Jel powder is completely dissolved in the water
  4. Mix in half a cup of cheap, shitty vodka
  5. Spray the bottom of your container with the oil (this will help it slide out of the container later)
  6. Repeat the last steps to make more colors/flavors
  7. Refrigerate that shit for about 3 hours. Don’t worry, your Jel won’t dry out! It will still be moist.

    Contents of my fridge: giant Jel-shots, beer, hard cider, containers of icing, liquor, a couple of cakes, wine, carrots, and almond-coconut milk. The last two are to help me pretend I'm healthy.

    Contents of my fridge: giant Jel-shots, beer, hard cider, containers of icing, liquor, a couple of cakes, wine, carrots, and almond-coconut milk. The last two are to help me pretend I’m healthy.

  8. Remove your Jel-shots from the fridge
  9. Cut Jel-shots into the desired shapes. I wanted my finished product to resemble a colorful, Day of the Dead skull, so I used a flower cookie cutter and a knife to cut out hearts and other shapes. You can do whatever the fuck you want.
  10. Dip the bottom of your Jel container in some warm water for about 15 – 30 seconds, and loosen the edges of the Jel from the container with some sort of Jel-loosening-object.
  11. Now, you should be able to easily remove those cunty, lil’ Jel-shots. Because I’m so fucktacular, I perfected three techniques to share with you:
  • Technique #1: press wax paper on the Jel, flip it over on a flat surface (that shit should slide right out), and pull your shapes out.
  • Technique #2: Rip the excess Jel from around the shapes and then easily pull the shapes out.
  • Technique #3: “Accidentally” rip all your shapes, so you are forced to eat them all and start all over.

Next, I sprayed oil on my skull pan, and placed my Jel-shot shapes all over the fuckin’ pan.

You should taste test several of the Jel-shots to make sure they taste good, or to get drunk. I taste tested for the latter reason.

You should taste test several of the Jel-shots to make sure they taste good, or to get drunk. I taste tested for the latter reason.

To make the white part of the skull:

  1. Boil about half a cup of water
  2. Mix in 3 – 4 packets of unflavored Jel until dissolved
  3. Mix in equal parts of the sweetened condensed cocobut milk and shitty vodka (about 3/4 cups)
  4. Let that shit cool (WARNING: If you don’t let this shit cool, it may melt the Jel-shots you already have in the pan. Don’t fuck this shit up.)
  5. Pour it into the pan.
  6. Refrigerate for at least 3 hours, to let the Jel-shots set in with the white Jel.

You can repeat making the white Jel until your pan is full. Always refrigerating for, at least, 3 hours.

TitTip: I don’t waste alcohol, so instead of adding just more white stuff, I put in all the excess Jel-shot remains. I don’t fuckin’ waste shit, and the extra color makes this shit much more fuckin’ festive.

Colorful ass shit.

Colorful ass shit.

Once your Jel has set, do what you did before: submerge this shit into warm water, scrape the fuckin’ edges, and let it slide out on to a plate or some other flat surface.

Moist is a Pretty Cool Word

Did you know that some people don’t like the word “moist“. I don’t understand this word aversion, since moist is such a wonderful word, like “cake” and “cunt”. Also, moist is the only word that can appropriately describe certain things, like cakes and cunts.

The friend I made this for hates the word moist, but loves Jel-shots.

The skull is watching you and thinking about moist panties.

The skull is watching you and thinking about moist panties.

When I presented the giant Jel-shot to my friend, she immediately ate the “M” so she didn’t have to see the word “MOIST” anymore.

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Just Add Gay

10 Oct

This red velvet cake was a salute to a lady who likes ladies. You know who you are. *winky face*

The secret is out!

The secret is out!

This was the recipe I used, but I added a dash of gay to give it just a hint of fabulous.

Veganize that shit: As with most recipes, this one was easy to veganize. Replace the eggs with VeganEgg, and the cream cheese and butter with your favorite vegan alternative. I am not aware of any vegan buttermilk that is commercially available, but making your own is so fuckin’ simple. To do this, put a cup of your favorite vegan milk and 3/4 tablespoon of vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.

FYFI: You may be thinking, “I haven’t seen a bottle of gay in the supermarket. How do I get gay?”. Don’t fret, straight ally, I am super fuckin’ nice, so I will share the secret of getting gay in four easy steps. (Don’t forget to bring a jar so you can save your gay for future baked goods.)

  1. Locate a homosexual. (THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!!)
  2. Gain the trust of the homosexual. Or get the homosexual drunk.
  3. Secretly expose the homosexual to something he/she is allergic to (e.g., a Southern state, non-organic foods, a Republican senator, etc.) or you can tickle their nose with a sensual feather.
  4. Open your jar and hold it out to catch their magical sneeze juices.

That’s it? Yes, it is that easy! I always couple a drunk homosexual with the sensual feather tickle. I think that is the most effective, fastest, and fun combination for both the tickler and the tickle-ee, but do whatever you fuckin’ want.

This cake was so gay. I mean, nommy. This cake was so nommy.

This cake was so gay. I mean, nommy. This cake was so nommy.

This was a pretty good cake, but next time I will add more gay. TitTip: You can never have too much gay.

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Amaze Your Friends by Memeing Them on Desserts

5 Sep

Background

Before I was making cakes for friends, I was turning friends into memes. I took this opportunity to combine two of my favorite things: dessert and Interwebs humor. The person, who this dessert was for, can be kind of an asshole sometimes, but will help you out when you need it. He’s no Good Guy Greg, but he works well as his own meme: Decent Dude Dustin.

Recipe

I got the recipe here. The recipes is easy to veganize by using VeganEgg instead of eggs and Earth Balance instead of butter. Then, I topped the bar with an edible picture of my friend with a joint photoshopped in his mouth.

1. Make lemon bar.<br />2. Put edible picture of friend on top.<br />3. Consume friend.

1. Make lemon bar.
2. Put edible picture of friend on top.
3. Consume friend.

When I asked him if he wanted me to blur his face out before I posted it on this blog, instead he requested the joint to be blurred out. I did as my decent friend requested. Now it looks like he is smoking a blurry joint.

I can't think of anything funnier than burning babies.

I can’t think of anything funnier than burning babies.

Decent Dude Dustin, or Triple D, did two fucktacular things: (1) he went over to help my friend get her car out of snow and ice and (2) he helped me move out of my broken home. However, pointing out his niceness would only tell half of Triple D’s story. A couple of days before this dessert was finished, he sent me this gif, and said he couldn’t stop laughing.

Photoshop Skillz

A mutual friend of mine and Triple D’s suggested I Photoshop a cock in place of the joint. What can I say? I like to make my friends happy.

Here you can see Decent Dude Dustin in his natural state of cock smoking.

Here you can see Decent Dude Dustin in his natural state of cock smoking.

I’m pretty good at Photoshop. Please contact me for lessons. Kthxbi.

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Chocolate Balls of Bliss

7 Jul

Today is Chocolate Day! Time to celebrate Chocolate Day with chocolate balls of bliss. (A friend of mine described these chocolate truffles as “balls of bliss”, and said she felt dirty eating them.)

Also, chocolate balls of bliss are the key ingredient in attracting Penisaurus Rex.

Ingredients

Assembling Blissful Balls 

Put a bunch of chocolate chips in a microwavable bowl in the microwave with a little bit of Criso and let it spin until that shit is melted (a couple of minutes). I like my chocolate balls soft, so I use more Crisco. If you like tough, hard balls, then use less Crisco.

There is way too much Crisco in this picture. Oops.

There is way too much Crisco in this picture. Oops.

If you used the buttercream icing I indicated, you can freeze it and then roll it into balls.

I fizz the whole time I make these balls.

I fizz the whole time I make these balls.

Once you roll the buttercream into balls, you can drop the balls into the melted chocolate, pull the balls out with a utensil, and put the balls on some waxed paper.

TitTip: Use a fork to pull the balls out of the melted chocolate. I used a spoon, which is why there are giant puddles of chocolate under all my balls. Nothing wrong with the extra chocolate, but if you are one of those snooty confectionists you’ll probably want your balls to look pretty. I never go for pretty balls. I go for delicious balls. Delicious = Diabeetus.

Chocolate balls belong in your mouth.

Chocolate balls belong in your mouth.

Once you have covered all the balls in chocolate, put the balls in the fridge. In about a hour, the chocolate balls should be firm and then you can devour those fuckin’ balls.

Making Your Own Balls of Bliss

You can do a lot with this recipe and make these balls your own balls. I’ve added peanut butter to the chocolate buttercream recipe and used that to make peanut butter truffles. You can also try adding some other flavors, nuts, or fruits to the buttercream.

If you don’t like dark chocolate, you can go fuck yourself.  I mean, you can use milk chocolate chips or white chocolate chips.

I have some top secret ideas that I might share one day. When? When I fuckin’ feel like it. Don’t rush my creativity.

Attracting Penisaurus Rex

The main reason to make chocolate balls of bliss is to attract Penisaurus Rex. Penisaurus Rex fuckin’ loves chocolate balls of bliss. If you leave a plate of them outside your door over night, he will eat them all. Don’t try and stay up and look for him. Penisaurus Rex can’t perform under that kind of pressure, so he will only come if you aren’t watching.

I saw him one time, but I had to use a series of mirrors to catch a glimpse of him. Also, I was drunk, so no one believes that I saw him.

Legend has it, one cannot look at him directly, like Medusa. Unlike Medusa, if you look directly at Penisaurus Rex, instead of turning to stone, he will just jizz on your face. The jizz tastes like chocolate truffles, so the jizz is nice and refreshing. Or so I’ve been told…

My artistic rendition of how a kindergartner would depict Penisaurus Rex eating chocolate balls.

My artistic rendition of how a kindergartner would depict Penisaurus Rex eating chocolate balls.

Coming Soon…

The elusive VaginaRaptor.

Sometimes she’s a slippery girl.

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