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Archive | December, 2013

Cakes Are Best Served Poison-Free

26 Dec

It’s the day after Jeebus Day! Did you get everything you wanted? Show your loved ones you aren’t a bitter lil’ cunt about the thoughtless gifts they gave you by making them a shitily decorated cake.

Okay. You caught me. There's a little bit of poison in it, but, I swear, it is just for added flavor and won't kill you.

Okay. You caught me. There’s a little bit of poison in it, but, I swear, it is just for added flavor and won’t kill you.

I made this cake about half a year ago, but I found a cake with a similar message yesterday. This person doesn’t put the messages on the cake on their own, but I feel like we could join forces and make something fucktacular together.

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Christmas Cock Cookies

19 Dec

This year I thought it would be fucktacular to make festive Christmas cock cookies.

I mean, who doesn’t love The Cock?

Cock Cookie Construction

Pick a standard sugar cookie recipe and start cutting some dicks out of that dough. Remember: Tis’ the season, so make that shit festive. I made mine festive by giving the dongs lil’ Santa hats, but you can try something else by using your god-dammed imagination.

I gave these dicks lil' hats. Dicks love hats.

I gave these dicks lil’ hats. Dicks love hats.

Surprisingly, these dicks were very delicate. I thought dicks were supposed to be hard, but, I guess, they are acting hard because they are big softies and trying to hide this trait.

This dick was soft.

This dick was soft.

Finishing off Fun Sticks: Explosive Fun

After baking and letting the wangs fuckin’ cool, you can decorate the shit out of the life size flesh towers.

Don't forget the pubes!

Don’t forget the pubes!

After breaking a bunch of the trouser snakes, I managed to have 13 finished peckers with lil’ warm heads.

On the 13th day of Jeebus' birthday, my baker gave to me: 13 cock cookies wearing lil' Santa hats on their heads.

On the 13th day of Jeebus’ birthday, my baker gave to me: 13 cock cookies wearing lil’ Santa hats on their heads.

TitTip: Use the smallest schlong cookie cutter you can find, if you can find smaller dick cookie cutters. The smaller, sturdier schmeckels may be less likely to break than these long, big dicks. From the tip of the hat to the bottom of the balls, these dicks were about 10 inches, which makes for a pretty fuckin’ big cock cookie. After decorating them, most of the heavily iced balls would break off, unless I was very gentle with the wangs. (FYFI: I am not gentle with wangs.)

Merry fuckin’ Jeebus Day!

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Green Tea Ice Cream Cake

12 Dec

Ice cream cakes are fucktacular, so make them often to improve your chances of diabeetus.

Ice cream cake > cake

Ice cream cake > cake

This was a green tea ice cream cake. I used this cake, but added two layers of green tea ice cream to make it even fuckin’ better.

This cake got the shit nommed out of it.

This cake got the shit nommed out of it.

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For Magnificent Cunts: Potato Chip and Pretzel Cupcakes

5 Dec

In a previous, shittacular post, I shared the recipe for Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing. Now, because I’m so fuckin’ nice, I’ll share a recipe for potato chip and pretzel cupcakes that pair well with that rooster sauce icing.

Ingredients:

  • 1 3/4 cup of flour (the all-purpose shit)
  • 1/2 cup of sugar
  • 1/2 cup of unsweetened coca powder
  • 1 teaspoon of baking soda
  • 1 cup vegan mayonnaise (no shitty Miracle Whip)
  • 3 large-ass flax eggs* (see note at the end of this shit)
  • 1 fuckin’ hot cup of water
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 1 bitchy teaspoon of vinegar
  • 1 or 2 cups of fucked-up pretzels and/or potato chips

How to Make This Shit

Mix the first four ingredients. Add everything else, except for the pretzels and potato chips, and mix that shit until it is pretty smooth. Add in the pretzel and/or chip crumbs and pieces.

Now you can have diabeetus AND high blood pressure! Huzzah!

Now you can have diabeetus AND high blood pressure! Huzzah!

Now this is where you have to make a mother fuckin’ decision: pretzels and/or potato chips?

FYFI: I tried both, separately. The handful of people who tried both types agreed the potato chip cupcakes were far superior. Some thought the pretzel cupcakes were fuckin’ disgusting. Other liked the pretzel cupcakes, but still preferred the potato chip cupcakes.

Once you have made a god-dammed decision, add in enough pretzels/potato chips to make the batter pretty lumpy. Use the fuckin’ picture I’ve provided for you above (top right corner) to determine if your’s is lumpy enough.

They look very similar, but the cupcakes on the left were delicious, while some accused the right of tasting like shit.

They look very similar, but the cupcakes on the left were delicious, while some accused the right of tasting like shit.

Grease your cupcake pans and bake that shit at 350 degree for about 15 minutes (mini-cupcakes) or 25 minutes (regular cupcakes), or until a toothpick inserted the middle comes out without any shit on it.

Once these little cunts cool off, you can top them with Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing and sprinkle some potato chips or pretzel crumbs on top.

Check out these little cunts!

Check out these little cunts!

TitTip: These cupcakes are not for the faint of heart, or lame of taste buds. Only try this shit if you are a magnificent cunt.

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*How to Make a Flax Egg:

  1. Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
  2. Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
  3. If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.

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