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Archive | May, 2014

Pussy and Cakes: Part II

22 May

My cats like to nap in the sunlight and eat mother fuckin’ tuna all day until I bring out the mixer and start baking. In Part I, you learned that cats are assholes. In Part II, you’ll learn much of the same shit.

1. Cats don’t give a shit about what recipe you choose.

Why would they fuckin’ care? Can they eat what you are making? Probably, but do they fuckin’ want to eat it? Hell no!

Stop what you are doing, human, and pet the shit out of me!

Stop what you are doing, human, and pet the shit out of me!

2. Cats couldn’t care fuckin’ less about your god-damned ingredients.

“Are you bringing out more cat toys? Catnip? Stinky-ass fish? No. Then, what the fuck is all this noise, cunt. I’m trying to get my 18+ hours of sleep, and I’ve barely gotten 14 so far.”

-My Loving Cats

At least I pay more attention to my cats than my shitty house plant.

At least I pay more attention to my cats than my shitty house plant.

3. Cats LOVE The Cock.

This was a strange thing to discover. I just thought I should share the information with others. Maybe other people have cats with a phallic infatuation.

FYFI: These were some big-ass dick cookie cutters. The biggest one was approximately the length of one sitting, fatass cat, which you can see in the dicktacular picture below.

This pussy love The Cock!

This pussy love The Cock!

4. Pussy fur: Put that shit in everything. 

Cats may act like they hate you, and they really do. How do I know? They get their fuckin’ fur in everything!

Cat fur in cookie dough is not fabulous.

Cat fur in cookie dough is not fabulous.

Pussy loves nothing more than to ruin your fucktacular creations.

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This Mother’s Day Remember to Recognize the Struggles of the Vagina

8 May

A dear friend of mine had a baby less than a month before Mother’s Day, so when her special day of recognition came her bits were still a little fucked up. Rather than say, “Yo shit is fucked up!”, I decided to wish her pussy a speedy recovery.

That shit was fucked up, but the vagina was happy for the kind words of encouragement.

That shit was fucked up, but the vagina was happy for the kind words of encouragement.

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