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Tag Archives: Unicorn

The Most Fucktacular Search Terms

28 Aug

FYFI: WordPress allows bloggers to see what search terms people have used to stumble upon their blog.

And the #1 Search Termfor this blog: pussy cupcakes

People have used some pretty fucktacular terms to find this blog. I have categorized the search terms into six categories: Baking, Foul-Mouthed Baking, Nasty Baking (Possibly Porn), Porn, Fucked-Up Porn, and Random Shit From The Interwebs.

I have some real examples of the terms that fit into the categories below for your fuckin’ convenience. If you are too fuckin’ lazy to read through some funny terms, then here is a word cloud to show you the most used words to find this site.

FuckinWordCloud

Pussy is only #2 to cake.

Baking

The people who used these terms were just searching for everyday baking help on the Interwebs. Then, BAM! This blog slapped them in the face with a hard dick. Here are  some innocent terms:

Foul-Mouthed Baking

These people knew what they were getting into:

  • messages to write on a dick cake
  • how to make a penis from icing
  • funny fudge recipe with all the foul language
  • diabeetus cake
  • you look fucktacular
  • lil diabeetus snacks

Nasty Baking (Possibly Porn or Both)

These are pretty fuckin’ nasty, you sick fucks. These people may have been looking for porn.

  • cake cream in pussy images
  • can you rub jello on your clit
  • filling asshole with ice cream
  • can you masturbate with buttercream icing

Porn

These people were just looking for porn, but got diabeetus instead.

  • horse cock  in pussy close up pic original animal
  • cum covered butte
  • put chocolate in her ass
  • www. fresh fucking chocolate pussy.com
  • german baker fucks two men

Fucked-Up Porn

These are a little more than just regular porn.

Random Shit From The Interwebs

So you don’t leave this post with a bad taste in your mouth… These are completely random terms, so I’m sure no one was expecting to land on this site.

  • can cats have cookie butter
  • why does tequila make your penis soft
  • fuck korean tea
  • gay german boys kissing
  • vagina mold hamster
  • green tea and fuck
  • dick shaped shoes

A Learning Experience

I have learned a lot from compiling this list, but I have more questions. So here’s another shittastic list with all the new stuff I learned and questions I have:

  1. People like porn
  2. People can’t spell
  3. How many of my baking ingredients can I masturbate with?
  4. I would like to develop some “lil diabeetus snacks”.
  5. People are full of questions. Seriously, can cats have cookie butter?
  6. Also, fuck Korean tea.

__________

The fucktacular word cloud generator I used

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Valentine’s Day is for Tip Touching

13 Feb

This Valentine’s Day bake some fuckin’ cookies because diabeetus hearts everyone.

Jeebus fish approves of gay unicorn sex.

Jeebus fish approves of gay unicorn sex.

TitTip: Dicks are delicate.

A burnt unicorn broke this delicate cock.

A burnt unicorn broke this delicate cock.

Decorate The Shit Out of Some Cookies Start decorating the cookies. This shit is as easy as 1, 2, 3.

1: Outline the shitty cookies.

1: Outline the shitty cookies.

2: Flood the shitty cookies.

2: Flood the shitty cookies.

3: Write fun, appropriate words on the shitty cookies.

3: Write fun, appropriate words on the shitty cookies.

Setting The Mood Arrange the cookies up in a romantic manner.

Bitches love roses and cookies with sexy messages on them.

Bitches love roses and cookies with sexy messages on them.

If you are wondering why you haven't found true love, it's probably cause you haven't tried anal, you snooty cunt.

If you are wondering why you haven’t found true love, it’s probably cause you haven’t tried anal, you snooty cunt.

Anal fissures are usually caused by tentacles.

Anal fissures are usually caused by tentacles.

If you set the cookies up correctly, you may be lucky enough to participate in some tip touching. Titbit: Tip touching is fucktacular.

It's like Michelangelo made this shit himself.

It’s like Michelangelo made this shit himself.

If you can’t touch tips, then try some…

Probably the best of all the sexes.

Probably the best of all the sexes.

Remember this Valentine’s Day: Don’t be a dick. Eat a dick.

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Badass Princess Here to Save Her Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

16 Jan

Mother Fuckin’ Background

Recently, I was tasked with making a princess castle cake for a friend’s little girl’s fifth birthday. I’m not a fan of girly shit, but I was excited by this request.

I disclosed that I had been wanting to make a princess castle cake complete with a princess slaying a dragon to protect her kingdom. (We need an equal showing of chicks and dudes saving kingdoms, and princesses don’t need princes to take care of them; they can handle their own shit.) My friend said the idea sounded perfect because her little girl “doesn’t take shit from anyone”.

Plan The Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

This project allowed me to channel my inner-Girl Scout. When I was a Girl Scout, I learned to:

Always be fuckin’ prepared as shit.” – Girl Scout Promise

Those are important words, and I live my life by them.

Decide how big you want your cake, put its foundation together, and draw shitty blueprints.

My blueprint complete with shitty dragon drawing!

My blueprint complete with shitty dragon drawing!

TitTip: An idea and goals are very fuckin’ important for a cake project of this size. I had several goals and requests to honor.

FYFI: The little girl this cake was for wanted a (1) purple castle, (2) surrounded by a moat, and (3) the Rice Krispie Treats needed to be M&M’s-filled. I didn’t understand the M&M’s request, but I discovered that children are easily impressed. Five-year-olds think that to put M&M’s in Rice Krispie Treats you need to be a shittacular wizard.

My goals were to make (1) all parts edible, (2) form non-phallic turrets, and (3) construct recognizable items and creatures. (Recognizable meaning the dragon looks like a dragon without people pointing and asking, “What the fuck is that?”)

Ingredients For The Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

  • Cake layers (If you are a lazy fuckhead, use a shitty boxed cake. Titbit: Children heart funfetti, but that mix isn’t vegan. However, it is very easy to make a white cake and add vegan sprinkles. Trust me when I say, “You don’t need a fuckin’ boxed cake mix!”)
  • Rice Krispie Treats with M&M’s (Veganize that shit: Dandies are vegan marshmallows and dark chocolate M&M’s are vegan)
  • A variety of food colors and vegan white, dark, and milk chocolate (If you are like me, you’ll need extra cause you’ll fuck shit up.)
  • Shitload of waxed paper (Most of the ingredients are sticky as fuck.)
  • Shape-N-Amaze (This shit is expensive and accidentally vegan!)
  • Mother fuckin’ sprinkles!
  • Ice cream cones (Titbit: The pointed-bottom cones will make you less likely to make dick-like turrets.)
  • Approximately one metric fuckton of Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • Your god-dammed imagination

BTFW: Even though I wanted to make everything edible on this cake, I didn’t fuckin’ concern myself with how most of it tasted, with the exception of the actual cake part and the icing.

Assembling The Shit For The Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

If you look at my castle blueprint, I wanted to have a brick road in my landscape. Use the following instructions and pictures to develop your own brick road:

  1. Cut a small hole in one corner of a sandwich bag, put some melted white chocolate in there, and shit tiny bricks out on wax paper.
  2. Draw your road on to the wax paper.
  3. Once your Candy Melt bricks have hardened, you should trim and arrange them on the road you drew. Then, use another color to cement those fuckin’ bricks together.
  4. Now, you’ll realize that you should have flipped your waxed paper over, but you already cut all your bricks to fit the flip side of the road! So you’ll get fuckin’ pissed you wasted so much time trying to make perfect, lil’ fuckin’ bricks.
  5. Then, say “Fuck it!”, and smash your fuckin’ bricks into haphazard, lil’ pieces. (OMJeebus this is cathartic.)
  6. Get color of melted chocolate stuff, pour it all over your cunty road, and quickly throw your broken bricks, which are now fuckin’ sweet cobblestones, all over the melted candy before that shit dries.
I'm a genius for figuring out how to turn my mistakes into something shittacular!

I’m a genius for figuring out how to turn my mistakes into something shittacular!

This is how you can make dragon, who just got fuckin’ defeated by a badass princess.

  1. Get some green Shape-N-Amaze, roll out a really thin layer, and put it over some cake or something else that you would put in your mouth (no dicks, please).
  2. Make some tiny dragon feet. Ain’t that shit cute, yo?
  3. Then, make a couple of cold, dead dragon hands and a neck.
  4. Give that fucker a head!
  5. Don’t forget the long-ass tail!
  6. Put little spiky bits on the dragon. I made mine from coloring my melted white chocolate, but do whatever you fuckin’ want.
  7. Make your dragon look as dead as your grandmother. (Ouch. Sometimes I take things too far. Oh well.) I think the tongue sticking out and x eyes indicates this asshole is dead.
  8. Take a good look at what you just created. You’re a fuckin’ confection wizard!
This mother fucker is dead!

This mother fucker is dead!

Now, do similar things to create other decorations and your badass princess. I gave this princess a unicorn because unicorns are fucktacular.

Badass princess riding a fuckin' unicorn!

Badass princess riding a fuckin’ unicorn!

Building The Fuckin’ Magical Castle

  1. Cut the corners off of the Crisp Rice Krispie Treats.
  2. Be sure to put some icing between each layer of this castle.
  3. Cut the cake to fit the blueprint. I made the blueprint for a fuckin’ reason.
  4. Put another layer on that bitch.
  5. Ice the shit out of those top layers.
  6. Get a lollipop stick and shove that shit down into the cardboard where the turrets should go. (This will keep your turrets from collapsing and making a fuckin’ mess.)
  7. Find a cookie cutter or something circular and cut a shitton of circles out of the Rice Krispie Treats.
  8. Poke holes in the circular Rice Krispie Treats, and cram that shit on the lollipop poll until reaching the desired height.
  9. Make sure you put some icing between each layer of your non-cock-like turrets.
  10. Ice the whole fuckin’ castle. It should look like a dick sneezed all over this shit. Well, like several dicks sneezed all over it.
  11. COLORFUL SPRINKLES EVERYWHERE!
  12. Pipe some purple icing on the castle to make it look like a castle. You know, make bricks n’ shit.
  13. Get some ice cream cones and cover them in white Candy Melts. Be very careful to make sure it doesn’t look like a dick. This shit is for children, not a twisted, penii-worshiping bachelorette party, pervert.
  14. Put your cones on top of the turrets, and flags on top of the cones. This shit is starting to look royal.
Building a mother fuckin' magical castle.

Building a mother fuckin’ magical castle.

Landscaping This Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

You can see the pictures below. I don’t think I need to hold your hand and walk you through the steps, like a fuckin’ child.

Landscaping the mother fuckin' kingdom!

Landscaping the mother fuckin’ kingdom!

Admire Your Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

You just did a shitload of work for something small children and a few adults will devour quickly. Take a few minutes to think about how fucktacular you are.

This shit is done, bitches.

This shit is done, bitches.

In my excitement, I forgot to give the dragon a wound. I took the princess’s sword and stabbed the shit out of that asshole dragon.

I stabbed that fucker!

I stabbed that fucker!

The badass princess slayed the dragon! Next time you give a little girl a cake with a princess on it, consider making it badass, since princesses can do more than look pretty. Princesses can ride unicorns, drink with the common folk, slay dragons, have a couple of fuck buddy princes on the side, and SCIENCE.

Badass princess here to handle all your asshole dragon woes.

Badass princess here to handle all your asshole dragon woes.

Can’t wait to make a princess castle cake for an adult, so I can cover it in penii turrets.

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Unicorn Poop Cake

24 Oct

Background

The dear friend of mine, who originally suggested I make cakes with weird messages, wanted a special cake, but doesn’t like cake; she hearts Jello*. What the fuckin’ fuck?! Why implant cake ideas in my head when you don’t even like the shit, skank?

Still, I had to make her something. This strange recipe was discovered for a Crown Jewel Cake, which combines a cake crust and a Jello filling.

*Mother fuckin’ vegan notes: Jello is not vegan because gelatin is made from animal bones, which is super fuckin’ gross. Never fear, beautiful vegans, Jel is a vegan alternative and can be used in place of Jello or gelatin in this recipe. You’ll also have to replace the eggs and egg yolk with VeganEgg, the egg whites with aquafaba, the butter with a vegan alternative like Earth Balance, and the heavy whipping cream with coconut cream. Shit. I know that is a lot of substitutions, but it is totally worth it.

Cake Construction

The Sprinkle Bakes lady does every step of this recipe so fuckin’ cute that I only included pictures so you could laugh at my attempts to replicate her cute shit.

This shit isn't cute, but close enough!

This shit isn’t cute, but close enough!

I topped this cake off with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze, instead of whatever the Sprinkle Bakes lady said to do. I’ll do whatever I fuckin’ want!

This cake was for my friend’s 30th birthday, and someone else made a joke that being 30 was lower-middle aged. That type of thinking belongs in a cake message.

I heart my friends.

I heart my friends.

This was one of the first cakes I ever decorated. I’d like that to be my excuse for it looking so shitty, but I’ve barely improved. If you don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself.

FYFI: I enjoy telling people to go fuck themselves; however, when someone tells me to go fuck myself, I say, “Done!” I’ve probably masturbated recently, which means I just fucked myself, right? I have no shame in this because I’m pretty awesome at it. I am the master of my own cunt.

This cake was fuckin’ colorful as shit! A friend dubbed the cake “Unicorn Poop Cake”, since it looks like unicorn shit.

I had to reach inside a unicorn's anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.

I had to reach inside a unicorn’s anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.

Unicorn shit tastes like a cake made of cookie dough rainbow beams. Try it out for yourself and let me know. I’ll sit here and be the master of my cunt while I wait for your response.

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Cake Doesn’t Give a Shit

11 Jun

He said unto the angel, “Thou should taste of this cake because it is fuckin’ delicious and gives no shits.”

The angel ate of the cake’s sweetness, and decreed the cake magnificent.

–  Justin 20:13

Background

Facebook is shittacular fun, right? I don’t have problems with Facebook, since it allows me to keep in contact with a lot of friends. However, I know a lot of people, who hate themselves, and keep “friends” on Facebook. Notice the quotes around friends. If I were speaking, those quotes would be air quotes.

Anywho, a good friend of mine asked me to make a sign that reads “Nobody gives a shit”, so he can hold it up to some bitch, who he believes posts extra annoying status updates on Facebook. I informed him that this is the year I express feelings with cakes, and ways to make this idea even more horrible immediately began to flow.

Idea Formation

From this idea, I found out I am a big fan of juxtaposition. (Please don’t ask me to pronounce that word. That is why I posted a link to a site that does the pronunciation for you, asshole.) I decided that rainbows paired with shit were as opposite as opposites gets, and developed this artwork in Microsoft Paint. All the greatest artists of our time use MS Paint.

It all begins with a simple idea that escalates to something fucktacular.

It all began with a simple idea that escalated to something fucktacular.
This will be on the wall of a museum one day.

I bet you didn’t think I knew how to art, but I can art the shit out of art.

This was my my first truly epic cake. However, I developed an unnatural fear with this cake: the fear of never being able to make a better cake than this cake. I instantly discounted this fear as twat-like and cowardly. I am like a fine, fuckin’ wine, and only get better with time.

Boxed Cakes: For the Fucktards of the Baking World

As a baker, box cakes are the bane of my existence. I’ve been asking people what their favorite kind of cake is, and a frequent answer is “Funfetti”. OMJesus! Could y’all be more uncreative? I have laid the world of desserts at your feet and you have chosen a simple, boxed cake that any asshole can make. Ugh.

With that being said, Funfetti was the perfect kind of cake to go with the rainbow-nobody-gives-a-shit-theme, since I didn’t give a shit about how tasty it would be. (FYI: I do weddings.)

Ingredients

  • 2 boxes of vegan cake mix, plus sprinkles
  • 1 Cute, friend, who draws the cutest shit on Earth
  • FuckTon of Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze (I will never use canned icing. That crap is disgusting.)
  • Food Colors of your choice (The perfect shit brown color is my special secret.)
  • Jelly Roll Pans
  • Parchment Paper (easier to get the cake out of the fuckin’ pans)
  • Powdered sugar (keeps your shitty cake less sticky)
  • Kitchen towels

Cake Development

First, you make the cake batter as indicated on the stupid box. Then, you can separate the batter into lots of different bowls and add some food coloring. I made six different colors, but do what you fuckin’ please.

So fuckin’ colorful!

Look at all the fuckin’ colors!

Next, start pouring the shitty batter into the parchment paper-lined jelly roll pans. If you are using the jelly roll pans, you don’t need to bake the cakes as long as indicated on the box. I think, I did about 10 minutes per mini layer.

Then, you can pull the baked layer out of the pan by the parchment paper, and flip that shit on a kitchen towel that you’ve pre-dusted with powdered sugar.

TitTip: Sometimes the layers may look funny (see picture below). That’s okay because you are going to cover it with icing and no one needs to know you fucked up.

Oops….looks like someone stuck their dick in there. TitTip: Don’t stick you dick in hot cake. Wait for it to cool.

Oops….looks like someone stuck their dick in there.
TitTip: Don’t stick you dick in hot cake, since that will burn your dick. Wait for it to cool and be a nice, warm cake.

Two mini layers of cake are about equal to one normal cake layer, so for every two mini layers of cake there’s one layer of icing. As always, do as you fuckin’ please. However, I’d respect you if you made six or more layers, or if you put icing between each mini layer. That would be a lot of god-damned icing, but I am a fan of icing and diabeetus.

Two layers of thin cake for every two layers of cake.

Holy shit! This must be what unicorns eat for breakfast.

You’ll need a lot of icing colors for this cake, so you can make a proper rainbow complete with shit. Add the icing and food coloring (separate bowl for each color), and then stir the shit out of it until the icing is the color you desire.

Fuckin’ colors!

Check out all the fuckin’ colors!

Then, decorate that shitty cake. Be sure to have your cute, shit-drawing friend handy. If you don’t have a shitty, cute friend, you probably won’t have cute shit. You’ll have nasty shit, and people will just vomit when they see your cake. I guess, vomiting cake-consumers are cool, if that’s what you are going for.

Beautiful fuckin’ art!

Beautiful fuckin’ art!

Eat That Shit

Now that you have properly documented your beautiful art, it is time to consume your art. There are a lot of layers, so be sure to do this shit properly.

Look at the colorful layers!

Look at all the fizzworthy layers!

Because we don’t give a shit, we ate this cake outdoors with our hands in our animal masks. Yes, there are a group of strange graduate students in the ‘Murrican Midwest that own life-like, latex animal masks. We don’t get many photo ops, but this seemed like the perfect opportunity for us to all wear our masks and devour a cake.

Ready to eat cake!

Best family portrait ever? Or bestest family portrait ever?

It turns out that boxed cake is an aphrodisiac. Who knew? Pair boxed cakes with creepy animal masks, and you have a new, unique porn. You are very welcome, World.

Eating cake inspires love and lots of sex. Mostly sex. Not a lot of love.

Eating cake inspires love and lots of sex. Mostly sex.
Also, this may the best collage in the history of the Interwebs.

Horses usually don’t give a shit. Therefore, a dude who wears a horse mask is a badass mother fucker who definitely doesn’t give a shit. Horse deserves his special place in the history of the Interwebs.

Badass motherfuckin’ Horse doesn’t give a shit. Too busy being a mother fuckin’ badass.

This badass mother fucker didn’t let the lack of plates stop him from getting to the cake. I guess, he’s too busy being a mother fuckin’ badass to give a shit.

Yo, badass mother fucker, you got a little something there…

Yo, badass mother fucker, you got a little something there…
Nevermind, keep wearing that shit with pride.

We couldn’t eat the cake with our masks on, so we had to take them off. Some of us couldn’t calm the fuck down, and starting jizzing and fizzing cake all over others’ faces. You would think this would be inappropriate behavior in a public place, but people were pretty cool with it, or just too scared to correct crazy people in animal masks.

We got a little crazy with the cake.

We ate the cake with our hands and got that shit all over our faces. We are fuckin’ classy like that.

In the end, no one wanted to eat the cute shit. However, there was a friend, who claimed she would show up to the Cake Eating Extravaganza, but didn’t. I cut the cute shit out of the cake for her and saved it. When I delivered it to her, I said, “I saved this shit for you, since you are a shitty friend.”

And we haven’t spoken since.

Not even crazy, fucked up people in animal masks wanted to eat shit.

Not even crazy, fucked up people in animal masks wanted to eat shit.

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