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Unicorn Poop Cake

24 Oct

Background

The dear friend of mine, who originally suggested I make cakes with weird messages, wanted a special cake, but doesn’t like cake; she hearts Jello*. What the fuckin’ fuck?! Why implant cake ideas in my head when you don’t even like the shit, skank?

Still, I had to make her something. This strange recipe was discovered for a Crown Jewel Cake, which combines a cake crust and a Jello filling.

*Mother fuckin’ vegan notes: Jello is not vegan because gelatin is made from animal bones, which is super fuckin’ gross. Never fear, beautiful vegans, Jel is a vegan alternative and can be used in place of Jello or gelatin in this recipe. You’ll also have to replace the eggs and egg yolk with VeganEgg, the egg whites with aquafaba, the butter with a vegan alternative like Earth Balance, and the heavy whipping cream with coconut cream. Shit. I know that is a lot of substitutions, but it is totally worth it.

Cake Construction

The Sprinkle Bakes lady does every step of this recipe so fuckin’ cute that I only included pictures so you could laugh at my attempts to replicate her cute shit.

This shit isn't cute, but close enough!

This shit isn’t cute, but close enough!

I topped this cake off with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze, instead of whatever the Sprinkle Bakes lady said to do. I’ll do whatever I fuckin’ want!

This cake was for my friend’s 30th birthday, and someone else made a joke that being 30 was lower-middle aged. That type of thinking belongs in a cake message.

I heart my friends.

I heart my friends.

This was one of the first cakes I ever decorated. I’d like that to be my excuse for it looking so shitty, but I’ve barely improved. If you don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself.

FYFI: I enjoy telling people to go fuck themselves; however, when someone tells me to go fuck myself, I say, “Done!” I’ve probably masturbated recently, which means I just fucked myself, right? I have no shame in this because I’m pretty awesome at it. I am the master of my own cunt.

This cake was fuckin’ colorful as shit! A friend dubbed the cake “Unicorn Poop Cake”, since it looks like unicorn shit.

I had to reach inside a unicorn's anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.

I had to reach inside a unicorn’s anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.

Unicorn shit tastes like a cake made of cookie dough rainbow beams. Try it out for yourself and let me know. I’ll sit here and be the master of my cunt while I wait for your response.

__________

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