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Put This Shit in Your Mouth: Vanilla Cake with Toasted Coconut Icing

8 Jul


This cake was made for one of my most fucktacular friends. She likes cats, desserts, bragging about going to the gym, complaining about Leg Day, and makes me noms, so I made her a birthday cake.

If you want to be a good friend, you will make someone this cake too. Do it, don’t be an asshole.

Fuckin’ Ingredients

For the diabeetus cake:

  • 4 1/2 cups of flour, the vegan kind
  • 1 teaspoon vegan baking soda
  • 4 teaspoons baking powder that fuckin’ vegans use
  • 1 teaspoon vegan salt
  • 2 1/4 cups of harm-free, vegan sugar
  • 1 cup veggie oil, the vegan kind
  • 3 teaspoons vegan vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon coconut extract, it better be vegan
  • 2 tablespoons vegan white vinegar
  • 3 cups milk, make sure that shit is vegan

For the fucktacular icing:

  • 1 cup shortening (Don’t use that animal fat shit. Make sure it’s vegan.)
  • 6 cups vegan powdered sugar
  • Prepared dry soy milk (or another type of dry vegan milk)
  • 2 vanilla beans, make sure you get the vegan ones
  • 1 bag of vegan toasted coconut flakes

*Note: I have learned one thing from reading a shitton of vegan cooking/baking blogs: Reiterate “vegan” on every ingredient, lest your audience forget they are looking at a vegan recipe. 

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Cake: 

1. First, you need make the vegan buttermilk. To do this, put the milk and vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for a bit. Maybe 10 minutes or so. I sort of forgot how long I let mine sit because I didn’t set a timer. The mixture will curdle a little bit, but it is supposed to so don’t fuckin’ worry about it.

Looks like a bowl of cum... Mmmmm...

Looks like a bowl of cum… Mmmmm…

2. Once your super vegan buttermilk has set, mix it with the oil and and the two ultra vegan extracts. Be sure to recheck your ingredients to make sure they are vegan as fuck.

3. Add all the dry, vegan ingredients into bowl with your other vegan ingredients.

4. Mix the shit out of them.

5. Then, mix that shit some more.

Mix all your vegan shit. 

Mix all your vegan shit.

6. Make sure your batter is all smooth n’ shit.

7. Pour that shit you just made into two 9-inch pans that are nicely lubed up with vegan lube (AKA: an oil of your choosing).

8. Put it in the oven for about 35-45 minutes at 350 degrees, or until that shit is the lightest of browns and is slightly separating from the side of the pan.

9. When it is done, let that shit cool on a wire rack.

Fuck. You are awesome at making VEGAN cakes now.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Icing: 

1. Veganly (you know, with the least harm possible) whip up the shortening.

2. Slowly mix in some powdered sugar.

3. As you are adding in powdered sugar, add in the vegan milk, tablespoons at a time, to make the icing more or less thick (depending on your fuckin’ tastes).

4. Cut open the vanilla beans and mix that shit in too. If you want, you can add some coconut extract (a teaspoon or two) for extra vegan goodness.

Making vegans fat. 

Making vegans fat one icing at a time.

Spread that shit on the first layer and cram some toasted coconut on top. Add the next cake layer, and slather that fucktacular icing all over the cake. Then, try to put some more toasted coconut on the top and side of your cake to make that shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

TitTip: Add a border around the edge of your cakes to make them super, fuckin’ classy.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

FYFI: I’m cool with being vegan and other vegans; however, anyone can be annoying, including beautiful vegans. One of those things is to keep saying the ingredients throughout a vegan recipe are vegan. I KNOW THEY ARE! THAT’S WHY I CHOSE THIS FUCKIN’ RECIPE!

I wanted to take anyone who reads this post through that annoying journey. You are so fuckin’ welcome! However, I promise to not be this fuckin’ annoying in the future. Once is funny. Twice makes me an asshole.


Give Her What you Can’t Tell Her: Diabeetus for Mother’s Day

7 May

I wanted to make something super fuckin’ awesome for my mother for Mother’s Day, and a delicious creamy pie with a sentimental message sounded fucktacular!

FYFI: I love living alone with my four pussies.

FYFI: I love living alone with my four pussies.

At first my mom thought the cake message was cute, but then she thought about it too much and asked if I was blaming my divorce on her. Oh, mother, you don’t understand my jokes. I’m not sure where my fucked-up sense of humor came from. Probably too many hours on the Interwebs.

My mother is very supportive. She tried to read this blog once, and made it through a whole entry before she decided that was enough. If my mother used “the F-word” she would probably say I’m pretty fucked-up, but, you know, in a loving way.

Dat side boob. I mean side view. This is a cake not a tit.

Dat side boob. I mean side view. This is a cake not a tit.


Hashtag Cake

29 Jan

Hashtags on Twitter. Hashtags on Faecbook. What’s next hashtags on cake? Too late, fuckers.



I’ve made this unicorn poop cake for the same fuckin’ friend for the last three years. Last year’s cake probably contained the worst message I’ve ever written on a cake (so far).

BTFW: Don’t look too close, assholes. You’ll see how I made an outline with a toothpick, and then didn’t follow the fuckin’ outline or smooth that shit out.


Shitty Product Reviews: My Lil’ Pie Maker

15 Jan

Products Details: My Lil' Pie Maker

Perfect for Lil' Cocks

Pies Don't Fill The Fuckin' Void

A Slice of Fuckin' Heaven: Lil' Diabeetus Pies

Dicktacular Holiday Cock Cookies

23 Dec

Last Jeebus Day my friends and family enjoyed festive Christmas Cock Cookies. I can’t do the same thing every year, but dicks are always in demand.

Erect Your Own Cock Cookies

It’s fuckin’ important to sketch out your ideas first. The best way is to grab and firmly grasp your phallic cookie cutter and trace a shitload of peckers on some paper.

If you are a creative bitch, like me, you will ejaculate ideas on the paper.

Check out Santa's Oh face.

Check out Santa’s Oh face.

I was pretty fuckin’ impressed with myself, so I went ahead and baked up some boomsticks and started decorating that shit.

Happy lil' fuck sticks.

Happy lil’ fuck sticks.

The icing I used dries up pretty quickly, so it’s best to do one color at a time.

The antlers make the balls look pretty tasty.

The antlers make the balls look pretty tasty.

I am so Jeebus-damned talented.

Here's Frosty keeping his balls nice and toasty.

Here’s Frosty keeping his balls nice and toasty.

I’m pretty happy with how these lil’ cocks turned out. The last couple of times I’ve made wang-shaped cookies they fell apart, but these dicks stayed hard.

These cum guns are fully loaded.

These cum guns are fully loaded.

What other designs could you come up with? Dick-shaped elves?

Oh, Christmas Dick tree. Oh, Christmas Dick tree. How lovely are your balls!

Oh, Christmas Dick tree. Oh, Christmas Dick tree. How lovely are your balls!

A bell with two balls? Maybe you could just make a penis and tie a festive bow around it?

Here's Rudolph the red-nosed reindick.

Here’s Rudolph the red-nosed reindick.

An awkwardly shaped dreidel? You could cover the tip of the penis with a nicely wrapped box and have dick in the box cookies!

This cock is totally circumcised.

This cock is totally circumcised.

The fucktacular possibilities are endless!