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Tag Archives: Chocolate chip cookie

The Best Fuckin’ Chocolate Chip Cookies

24 Apr

You asked for the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies recipe, and now I’m finally giving it to you. This is a recipe I’ve modified from an old lady cookbook (Crocker, 1978) that I’ve been using since I was a tiny, lil’ fucker.

The Best Fuckin’ Ingredients

  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
  • 1/3 cup of vegan butter, softened
  • 1/3 cup of shortening (That’s right: More fat for the diabeetus lovers out there.)
  • 1 flax egg* (See the note at the end of this shit.)
  • 1 teaspoon of awesome vanilla extract (Don’t use the shitty store brand.)
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 2-4 fuckin’ handfuls of semi-sweet chocolate chips (I use this brand because it pleases most of the shitheads with dietary restrictions, and still tastes fucktacular.)

Mix This Shit Up

Throw the first 6 fuckin’ ingredients into a bowl.

TipTip: Don’t put the vegan butter in the microwave to soften it, like a fuckhead. Just let it sit on the counter for few minutes to get it to room temperature. Have some mother fuckin’ foresight, asshole. Your diabeetus can wait a few extra minutes.

Then, mix the shit out of your ingredients (for a minute or two), until it looks like the picture below. Scrape the bowl down at least once during this process to make sure all the fuckin’ ingredients are nicely mixed.

I can already taste the diabeetus.

I can already taste the diabeetus.

Now, mix in the salt and baking soda. Then, slowly mix in the flour. Don’t throw a fuckton of flour in the bowl at once. You’ll make a huge mess, dickhead. Remember to constantly  scrape the side of the bowl to fully mix all the ingredients, which should take about 5 minutes.

When you have mixed all the ingredients, add in your chocolate chips. I always stock up on chocolate chips, so I never measure the amount of chocolate chips I put in this recipe. I think this assists in maximizing the probability of diabeetus.

Mix in the fuckin' chocolate chips!

Mix in the fuckin’ chocolate chips!

Check out the picture! That is what your dough should fuckin’ look like. Now put that shit into the fridge for at least an hour before you start baking. You can also leave it in the fridge for a couple of days and nom on it before baking.

BTFW: When using the flax egg, you can eat as much as the dough as you want, since you don’t have to worry about getting the shits from eating raw chicken eggs. I heart eating the nommy dough.

Look at this delicious shit!

Look at this delicious shit!

Bake The Fuck Out of These Cookies

  1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees F.
  2. Put parchment paper down on some fuckin’ baking trays.
  3. Grab your dough from the fridge, and throw that shit down on the pan in masses that are about an inch big and a couple of inches apart.
Throw this shit down on your pan. 

Throw this shit down on your pan.

4. Let it bake in the oven for about 5-8 minutes, or until you see a little bit of brown on the outside. Too much brown and that shit will be crunchy. If you are saying to yourself, “But I like crunchy chocolate chip cookies…” Why would you want crunchy chocolate chip cookies? You might as well just buy some nasty Chips Ahoy.

Cookies fresh out of the fuckin' oven. This shit needs to cool down. 

Cookies fresh out of the fuckin’ oven. This shit needs to cool down.

5. Now let that shit cool before you stick it in your mouth, Fatty.

Finished cookies, bitches.

Finished cookies, bitches.

Make A Big Ass Cookie

First, acquire a pizza pan with the holes in the bottom. Then, take out a bunch of dough and try to make the most symmetrical circle possible. Make sure the dough is even throughout (if you have big lumps of dough it won’t bake fully). Also, make sure there are a few inches to spare from the side of the pan, otherwise that shit will spread over the edge.

A big ass circle of dough.

A big ass circle of dough.

You’ll have to watch it, but I bake my giant cookies for about 15 minutes. It may look a little bit underdone in the middle, but that’s okay. If you let it stay in too long, it will get all burnt and taste shitty.

Fully baked big ass cookie!

Fully baked big ass cookie!

Then, get some Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze and decorate your cookie. Maybe you could just drip pieces of the big ass cookie into the icing. Or do whatever you fuckin’ want.

Write something clever on your big ass cookie. Or at least write something...

Write something clever on your big ass cookie. Or at least write something…

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*How to Make a Flax Egg:

  1. Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
  2. Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
  3. If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.

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Cookies and Broken Homes

25 Jul

I had to move out of my two-bedroom apartment and into a one-bedroom apartment when I got the Big D. (In this case, Big D means divorce, not huge dick. I wish there were a huge dick involved. By huge dick I mean penis, not someone who is acting like a big cock.)

I had a few fucktacular friends who helped me move all my stuff, so I made this cookie cake for them.

Cookie cakes make divorce so worth it. 

Cookie cakes make divorce so worth it.

I put a smiley face on it, so everyone knew we were having a good time.

Contact me for Divorce Party catering.

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Dicktacular Cookie Cake

31 May

Background

My BFF (AKA: Fatty) really loves my chocolate chip cookies. Seriously, he’s been the cookie’s number one fan for years (sometimes I think he is only my friend in the hopes that I will bring him more cookies), so I decided to make him a giant fuckin’ cookie cake for his birthday.  A couple of things you should know about Fatty that might make this cookie cake more amusing for you:

  1. I call him “Fatty” because, well, he’s fat. Why else would you call someone “Fatty”? I care about his health and want him to change, and I know no other way to promote a healthy lifestyle than shaming him into one.
  2. This was actually for his 29th birthday. I was hoping to freak him out by making him think he was a year older than he really was. The reason he was a year older was because his wifey was pregnant, and everyone knows a pregnant wife ages you one year. (He’s totally getting a “Happy 40th B-day, Fatty!” cake next year.)
  3. He LOVES the cock. Seriously….he’s always drawing penii everywhere, or talking about penii, or just whipping his dick out in public. I think he has a condition, and, yes, I have advised him to seek help. I’d hope reading it here would help him see how sick he is, but he’ll probably just stare at his dick instead of reading this.

Cookie Cake Development

First, you make the best chocolate chip cookie dough in the motherfuckin’ world! (I may post the recipe one day.) Then, you grab a big ass hunk of that dough, pat it down in a circle, and bake it until it is done. It should be light brown on the edge, and in my oven on a pizza pan it took about 10 minutes per layer.

Repeat, so you can get two cookies. Keep repeating if you want, I don’t give a flying fuck what you do. I guess, how many layers you make will depend on how  fast you want to get DIABEETUS.

Then, let that shit cool. Warm cookies are totally tits, but the icing will melt off of a warm cookie. Heed my words of wisdom!

After you let that shit cool, spread a shitload of icing on it. I prefer Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze, but do whatever you want. You could try some chocolate buttercream icing. I bet that would be amazing!

I spread icing on a giant cookie. Bitches love icing.

I spread icing on a giant cookie. Bitches love icing.

Then, you can put the other cookie on top to make a giant fuckin’ cookie cake.

If you can eat this in one sitting you get a prize. The prize is DIABEETUS. Congrats!

If you can eat this in one sitting you get a prize. The prize is DIABEETUS. Congrats!

Write a sentimental message on the cookie (see picture below for example). You could also try these festive messages for turning 30:

  1. You’re 30? Blame Obama.
  2. Our elderly population is growing everyday, and you are not helping it any. Please die now and help save the planet.
  3. I’m sorry, should I have written this louder for you, old fucker?
  4. Bet you never thought you’d live to see 30 after that failed suicide attempt last year.
  5. You’re 30? Great! Lemon parties are at your place from now on!
I just knew that something was missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I could put a whole hand on it and stroke it.

I just knew that something was missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I could put a whole hand on it and stroke it.

For an added treat, draw dicks on that cookie that are big enough to intimidate Ron Jeremy. If you don’t think Ron Jeremy would feel inferior next to your penii drawings, then you are doing it wrong.

If you did it wrong, eat that cookie cake and start over. Repeat until you get that shit right. If you never get it right, please don’t tell people you got the idea on my blog and drag my good name in the dirt. I have worked pretty fuckin’ hard to be taken seriously as a baker, and I won’t have you ruining it with your shitty cookie.

Look at those beautiful penii!

Look at those beautiful penii!

Delivery

I made the cake for Fatty, but he lived about 750 miles away. After reading a lot about how to ship dainty desserts far away, I adhered to the directions and tips I felt like adhering to. I’m a fuckin’ adult, so don’t tell me how to ship my DIABEETUS!

I froze it in a pizza box, wrapped it in a fuckton of newspaper, and wrote “Fuckin’ Fragile”, “Do NOT shake me like your baby”, and “Handle me like you would tits: With care” all over it.

As you can see in the below picture, all my warnings to the USPS did me no good. It was broken in half, some of the wording was smashed, and delivered to a fuckin’ pussy.

Seriously, that fuckin’ pussy texted me pictures of him eating the cookie cake everyday for a week. Then, he texted me the pictures of him vomiting it up later.

Seriously, that fuckin’ pussy texted me pictures of him eating the cookie cake everyday for a week. Then, he texted me the pictures of him vomiting it up later.

TitTip 

If friends don’t love and respect you enough to live in the same city as you, then they don’t deserve a fuckin’ cake. Don’t send cakes (or giant cookies) in the mail. The result is heartache and sexts of cat vomit.

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